airplanes

posted by:  audra

my new favorite band + gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous video = something you need.  tragic, yet sorrowfully amazing lyrics….love love love!  makes me wanna heart my family just a little bit more whilst they’re around.

um…

posted by:  audra

i know, right?  just be happy that yours truly has an important enough job that i don’t spend hours of the workday blogging any longer. or don’t be.  your choice.

the latest assorted treats, in list form…because i’m lazy:

*a single man.  um–turns out, tom ford, the love of my life, can direct!  so beautiful it’s nearly unspeakable.  just watch it.  so pretty….slow, but i promise it will hold your attention, hence the prettiness.

and speaking of beautiful films…

*antichrist.  i was all up in arms to see this months ago, and finally saw it the last weekend.  i have a problem with lars von trier even though i think he’s kind of amazing, but this film is brilliant.  SPOILER ALERT!  clit cutting & ejaculating blood.  combined with charlotte gainsbourg, willem dafoe & witchcraft = kinda perf.  but once you see ‘her’ whip out the scissors, look away if you’re faint of heart.

*this is old news now, but  trust me–if you make a group of your friends watch it, it will spark controversy & they’ll be talking about it long after you’ve slammed your ginger infused vodka & smoked 4 ciggies.   even if it puts you all in a tizzy & you think it has nothing to say… isn’t the mish accomplished?

*what the fuck is wrong with me that i haven’t blog-lamented lee mcqueen’s devastating suicide?!  what a tool.  seriously.

*whilst i love my favorite bar, i truly wish that i could dismember nearly every regular patron of that place.  and i’m so tired of the self-righteous, holier-than-thou fucks there that i can’t even stand myself any longer.  the gentleman i’ve affectionately nicknamed ‘headphones’?  he’s fine.  sam’s stalker?  even he’s fine.  but the retards who play quarters at the bar have got to go.  really?  you guys are like, 35.  and you have cat hair caked to the ass of your fucking skinny jeans & stupid hipster cardigans.  i’m not interested in you beating my awesome team at bar trivia, either.  fuck you, your douchebaggery, zig zags & loose american spirit tobacco.

*mos qui qui bites are sick, and you’ll totally look like a severe acne victim, post evening stroll up the street unless you protect yourself with pure vanilla extract on your pulse points!  it works–promise!  this learned after enduring 28 bites.  and actually, after discovering this super-important tip, i pretty much doused my entire body with vanilla extract.  you’ll smell like junior high (vanilla fields!), but i’m certain that it will keep you mos qui qui free.  but bees like it.  be careful, babies.

*landlords sometimes do awesome things!  they may actually clean up their shop/studio/rat’s nest with rad galvanized siding and leave a treat from their vacay to greece on your door!

*some quick product reviews from me that i know you’ve missed…

korres soft eyeliner pencil in black is rather… um, really good.  it glides on perfectly smooth, stays on & will set you back about 16 bucks or something.  take it from a girl who wears a whole lot of eyeliner.

sephora shadow also is really good!  even though i shied away from sephora brand stuff before, for whatever reason, it’s really good!  not spectacular, nothing special….just….good.  $12.

korres wild rose face shit is totally, perfectly amazing!  32 bucks will get you a humble little jar of awesome that smells good & makes your medicine cabinet look stylish.  and!  what’s even better, is that it only takes a tiny dab to make your skin nice.  you’re welcome!  my only complaint is that possesses a mere 6(!) spf.  fucking greeks.

more philosophy lip shine!  this time in bubble gum, yet i still want to eat it.  so awesome.  $10.

don’t buy this hairspray!  “brushable hold” and “lightweight” means that it doesn’t work.  at all.

*my jam right now, not to mention completely exquisite video:

*this too…..um, boys in stilettos & fishnets?!  sigh…

*…and this song which i’m totally obsessed with:

sadly, that’s all i have at the moment.  love you, miss you, mean it!

delicious power

posted by:  audra

sorry, samcakes…couldn’t resist!  my jam of the moment…clearly not the real video, but lovely nonetheless: 

the latest…

posted by:  audra

…disseminated & formatted in a way you can easily comprehend.  you’re welcome.

*some of your best friends may make friends with your landlords & happily offer to paint your sad, dilapidated looking house!  our house will be brick red by this time next week, weather permitting.  i can’t wait. 

*ryan gosling is a crazy-awesome, amazing musician!  look for sam’s review of dead man’s bones soon! 

*running into old friends at your neighborhood bar doesn’t have to be awkward!  even if you feel fat & greasy after a long day at work…

*that said, bingo nights hosted by the lyons club brings people together in a slurred, blurry, happy way. 

*…and speaking of greasy little piggies–laura mercier has a new product that will make even the shiniest, palest t-zone perfectly matte & not even cakey looking or orange!  it’s fucking uh-mazing, positively earth shattering.  it’s called smooth focus pressed setting powder, with a slight mint-green tint to coerce that pesky ruddiness into pasty tastiness!  here you go. 

*in other makeup news:  too faced now makes a mascara (called lashlight…how terribly clever) with an lcd light built right into the wand, & a tiny mirror plastered on the side of the tube.  pretty retarded if you ask me, but the beautiful drag queen at sephora talked me into it; it doesn’t flake, smudge or clump.  at $25/tube, i’d say go with dior diorshow for $24…but i can’t complain yet!  not a single black flake of dried mascara has fallen on my cheek since i started using it! 

*…and i’m currently trying out buxom‘s insider eyeliner.  not sure about it yet.  it’s supposed to be for applying to your waterline, all gentle & such…but i think the (self-sharpening!) pencil is too soft…?  i like it, but i’d rather pay $10 more for nars if they made a self-sharpening liner.  sigh…

*landlords bringing over a super-deluxe keyboard will change your life.  i’ve already taught myself joy division with the bass/drum kit split feature! 

*going out with your friends 5 nights a week will likely make for an uncomfortable, uneventful weekend.  beware of your surroundings when you discover that america’ s funniest home videos is the only thing on.  shudder. 

*lady antebellum’s ‘need you now’ is kind of amazing!  what. 

*it may take a month or so to grow out a bit, but once you’ve gone & bleached your black hair into blonde…another trim & bleach will make it perfectly platinum & delicious!  just stop dyeing your landing strip black, mmkay?  it looks weird when you’re blonde.

*finding out about my beloved alexander mcqueen‘s death via multiple text-messages on an already terrible early morning at work is so not cool!  (although, thank you for informing me, loves).  i am still incredibly upset, sad, distraught & on the verge of suicide myself!  discussion about that coming soon.  i love you, leealexqueeny!   

*this is now my favorite place in town.  to the two who yelped snarly reviews, fuck off.  the cute young kids who work there obviously don’t like you either, & i hope they spat in your tom yum goong.

*having your own roomy office with a space heater, door shut, not having to play receptionist, answering to a rad boss lady, getting business cards & streaming indie 103 all day long = pretty much the best thing ever.

*attending quiz nights at the bar might make you feel dumb!  be careful of the subject matter.  you know you’re a shoo-in with the boy band category, but if there’s a composer category, you’re totally fucked!  do your homework!   we’re called team speshull.  steal it & you’re dead fucking meat. 

*it’s cool if you love chevelle.  i heart them really hard, too. 

*slightly disgusting bouncers with fucked up teeth & long hair just might steal your heart!  why do you like him?!  who knows!  but he’s so cute & nice in a gross way…and doesn’t even card you anymore!  and he’ll totally smoke your menthol ciggies without wincing!  le heavy sigh…..

*when your husband’s coworker’s exhusband’s family doesn’t want a beautiful, perfectly kept vintage mink coat, and offers it to you…you fucking take it and wear it every day like edie beale would!  i love the live minkies just as much as the next animal rights activist, but this thing’s been dead for a loooong  time–i wouldn’t fret over it. 

*note the ‘crazy’ written on people’s faces from the beginning & take that as a big red flag.  do not engage in facebook drama with these people.

*love your friends.  they’re probably the absolute best anyone could ever ask for…ever!

updates coming soon! believe it!

we love you, our loyal readers!  we’ve been so terribly, completely, ridiculously busy that we just haven’t made time to post.  sorry.  but, audra got a job!  a real one with a crazy-awesome boss, an office with an actual door, and unlimited bathroom breaks!  and sam is onto bigger & amazing-er things with a new business venture!  we have lots to tell….lots.  brace yourselves.  xxo

new rezzies

posted by:  audra

oopsies!  i meant to post my newest resolutions way earlier.  like always, i’m taking the same ones from rezzies past & evaluating them first.  oooh, i can’t wait!  let’s get started…

*lose weight  i lost 10lbs over the year & gained it back.  go me.  that’s what i’m famous for, & i didn’t let myself down.  again.  but! i have been doing jillian michaels since last week & lost 3lbs.,  but then i followed it up with excessive drinking & eating copious amounts of un-named fast food…and STILL lost another half-pound! 

*drink less i have done this.  for realsies!  i can still drink any one of you fuckers under the table, but i’ve curbed my addiction slightly!  or perhaps i’ve just been drinking stronger things…so i can drink less…technically…but really i’m drinking more.  whatever.

*gossip less  yes.  did this, too!  i still gossip like the dickens, but i HAVE been doing it less! 

*buy more lusciously tall shoes  actually, sadly, i’ve been wearing flats & kitten heels more.  not because i don’t want to be teetering around precariously, but because i’ve been retardedly broke!  and walking places!  and the floors in some of my favorite bars are sloped and/or slippery & dangerous! 

*investigate hair bleaching  again, yes!  and i did it right before the year’s end!  it’s NOT impossible to strip years of black from your hair!  step-by-step instructions coming soon!

*buy a good meat cleaver  i’d actually forgotten about this one.  this year for sure.

*have dinner & drinks with the friends we always talk about going out with & never do  done!  at least most of you!  i love you–you know who you are!

*possibly try & get more sleep  since being unemployed has left me with lots of time on my hands, this one too is accomplished!  i slept till 11 today! 

*become bffs with m-k  duh!  just check out the picture above!  it’s proof!  what? 

*learn to play my guitar again  sort of!  AND i’ve accumulated a bass!  and apparently i’m going to be in a band!  with real musicians!  and i have bass lessons lined up! 

*fashion a coke-nail out of my left pinkie  i grew out all of my nails to a  perfect length long enough to snort whatever your heart desired out of, & sam was horrified when i used one of them as a screwdriver.  i cut them after i discovered typing & texting just weren’t the same.

*roast a pheasant  still no.  sigh.

*wear more hats  lame!  i’m getting rid of this one.  although, i’mma find a way to integrate my new, beautiful headdress into my wardrobe this year! 

new ones:

*investigate going eyebrow-less!  or at least grow them out & see what happens now that i don’t have black hair.  i tried it once in the privacy of my own bathroom, & it was very beth ditto…just not sure if i’d venture out like that.  what’s worse though: going out without brows, or going out with brows you draw on with a stencil?!  the mind quails.

*make bffs with a tranny  if you think this is rude & inappropriate, think again my little judgmental scabie!  who else could i put on ludicrous amounts of makeup with, go shoe shopping with, play dress-up with & then have a double-penetration threesome with without a strap-on?!  see…see??   what.  i want one.

*go totally, completely platinum  give me just a little grow-out time, a trim & another bleaching treatment & it will happen.  very soon.  get excited.

*convince my mom NOT to sign up to facebook  shudder. 

*learn all of lady gaga’s dance moves  i think this one speaks for itself.

*get a job  i think this one speaks for itself as well.  it’s SUCH a struggle though!  after a few months of looking, you just start to feel like a doomed loser.  and when no one else has a job either, it kind of makes you feel okay!  so it’s easy to slack-off!  it’s terrible.  i would only wish it upon a few people. 

that’s all, babies!  i think it’s best to keep it a little more on the modest side, don’t you?

miss steaks & other valuable nuggets of knowledge

posted by:  audra

*batteries left in expensive, rarely used vibrators will start oozing toxic acids or whatever into your tool.  be sure to remove the batteries if you plan on stowing your naughty things away for awhile, otherwise you’ll have to toss the entire thing!   you done fucked yourself!

*if you find two used copies of the same hardcover patricia wells cookbook in perfect condition, buy them both!  give one to your mum!

*missing an epi of it’s always sunny in philadephia  is for retards.  what else are you going to talk about at happy hour with your friends?!  don’t you want to impress people with your knowledge of ‘flipadelphia’?!

*parmesan pastry pups at trader joe’s are a delicious, “upscale” alternative to just plain old le pigs in a blanket.  but buyer beware:  they will smell up your house somethin’ awful, & probably give you terrible heartburn, as well as make you burp lit’l smokies burps all night, which is NOT savory.  DO NOT ENTERTAIN WITH THEM!  plan on going home alone on nights like this. 

 

*read her last death  by susanna sonnenberg!  just fucking do it already!  trust me!  it’s amazing!  vogue told me to do it, and i did & i’m better for it!  go!  my review is coming soon…i hope.  we’ll see.  that seems a little too ambitious to me.

  

*when you find out you’re within the top-applicants of some crazy-awesome rad job you want, don’t get too fucking excited!  calm yourself!  don’t spend your future paychecks already!  don’t picture how you’ll tell your loved ones how amazing you are that you now have a really important job!  you’re not that great!  and then  when you find out that you were in the top fucking TWO out of 325 applicants & don’t get that crazy-awesome rad job, you’ll thank me! 

 

*so, when you’re a granola-y little waif wearing flannel & skinny jeans attempting to cross the street, look in front of you, not behind you before crossing!  you may see a blinking red hand, signalling you NOT to cross the street just yet!  and a car turning the corner!  jesus christ.  and you know what?  don’t fucking flip me off.  had you been paying attention to something other than your nasty, nappy hippie hair hitting you in the ass, maybe you wouldn’t have almost died.  i already hate bicyclists, don’t make me hate pedestrians too. 

 

*watch fashion docs!  lagerfeld confidential just may change your life.  so may valentino: the last emperor.  i actually teared up in both films at one point or another!  maybe it was the booze, maybe it wasn’t, but they were really  touching! 

 

*admit that the family stone made your list of top 5 favorite holiday films.  diane keaton, rachel mcadams, luke wilson, claire danes, sjp?!  and the dad from poltergeist?!   a deaf gay?!  sign language?!   a sad but heart-warming ending?!  please.

 

*defriend the assholes on facebook who chastise you for having an opinion!  they’re obviously not your friends anyways!   since when is it news that i don’t want to be around children!?  just because you have them doesn’t make you smarter, holier than thou or special in ANY way!  stop making me feel like a heathen with no purpose for not bearing 8 children!  motherhood does not define a woman!   just because i don’t like them or want them doesn’t make me a bad person!  we could have still been friends, but you ruined it!  don’t judge me because i don’t want stretchmarks & because i don’t want to spend life in prison for killing the children i didn’t want in the first place!   somewhere someone is living with agonizing guilt for convincing their friend diane downs that she would not be socially acceptable unless she had children.  i’m saving us both a step.  really.

*there…i feel better now.  i mean, have kids if you really want to–that’s fine!  just teach them well, clean them & for god’s sake, make them use their “inside voices” in public spaces…there is no excuse for a child running willy-nilly screaming bloody murder in a fucking book store or whole foods.   oh, and can you teach them to not be little shits?  is that too much to ask?  some of my best friends are mothers of amazing, well-mannered children, so i know it’s possible!  go!  be a good parent! 

*rubbing alcohol makes an excellent cleaning solution!  just straight–no diluting.  pour it in a spray-bottle & it will make your counter-tops, cooktops, stainless steel what-have-yous & even mirrors gleam!  and sanitized!  you probably already smell like a lush anyway, so why not go with it? 

*getting years of black hair dye off your head is really hard fucking work!  it may take 5 or 6 seshes of the one ‘n only colorfix, but there is light at the end of the color spectrum.  be prepared to smell like a bubbling vat of sulfur for days, if not weeks  afterwards–even after shampooing & conditioning like mad.  AND be prepared for the most hideously orange hair of your life!  is it worth it?!  we don’t know yet….

*…speaking of which–after hours of painstaking color-lifting, for god’s sake, if you’re desperate for some deep conditioning after, don’t reach for your tube of color amplifying conditioning balm!  it will darken your locks considerably & you’ll probably be on the verge of tears for doing something so retarded! 

*the real housewives of orange county is kind of amazing. 

i’ll leave you with that.  happy xxx-mas, you dirty little birdies! 

 

 

jam of the year!

posted by:  audra

i think it’s close enough to december 31st now to reveal my jam of the year!  believe it!  it is the most perfect song of 2009.  it just is.  i’ve listened to it like, a gabillion times & never gotten sick of it.  i listen to it drunk while washing dishes–on repeat.  i listen to it sober while putting on makeup–on repeat.  i go to bed with it in my head & dream about it.  it’s beautiful, sexy, kind of sad, has perfect composition & i really fucking love it.  the video’s quite lovely, too.  and the lead vocalist?  he has that delicious kind of british lispy-thing happening, which is the ONLY time lisps are okay.  just watch his mouth.  i would totally sit on his face, never mind the spit-strings!  where am i right this very second?!  rocking back & forth in the fetal position inside my closet listening to this, shedding just one single tear.  god…  okay, ready?!  here you go.  you’re welcome.

the big pink  velvet

another 4-letter word…

posted by:  audra

rain.  when i first moved to pdxoxo, i hated the rain.  i mean, hated.  i remember a particular instance–circa spring 2000–heading into safeway with sam, walking across the parking lot.  it was raining.  hard.  i said, “god, i can’t wait for this fucking rain to stop!  will it ever?!”  sam replied, “well, you moved to portland…get used to it.”  at the time, it made me so fucking mad.

then i started working in the service industry, where when it’s sunny outside, it brings people!

i hate people.  i do. 

so, in turn, i began associating sunny, warm days with annoying patrons–their little crumb-snatching crotch maggots in tow.  i would look forward to forecasts urging portlanders to “pack your umbrellas!  batten down the hatches!  it’s gonna get nasty!”   but when i started working a normal office job, i found the rain to irritate me.  it makes traffic worse.  it makes the product in my hair liquefy.  it could run a brow, given the direction of the wind. 

and now it just makes our fucking mudroom wet. 

several weeks ago, our roof started leaking.  i walked into the kitchen one hungover afternoon, to get some water.  i stood at the sink, looking into the mudroom through the window a la roseanne conner, & the ceiling was all water-stained, drips coming from above.  after poking sam a few times to coax him out of bed to go knock on our landlord’s studio door to fetch some help, some plastic was placed on the roof.  temporarily, of course, until a more permanent fix could be brought forth.  on a dry day, the roof was indeed fixed. 

it rained quite a bit over the following weeks & not a drop was dripped.  it was fixed!  amazing!  then last night after a massive downpour, it started leaking again, this time in new places & more enthusiastically.  the landlord came this morning to investigate, & was not happy–with his repair job or the leak in general.  just to be sure, he looked underneath the house (we have a dungeon!  it’s creepy!  like, where one would stash a body, should the need arise!), and checked the bathroom for any suspicious leaks. 

first he wanted to check the shower caulking.  i told him that it “might be gross”, as i hate cleaning the shower.  he pulled open the curtain, and there i saw a wad of my hair balled up on the shower floor.  gross.  i was horrified.  but i let it pass…he didn’t seem disturbed. 

this is when i took the opportunity to tell him about the phantom smell in the bathroom cabinet. 

remember the one?  the one i told you about?  the one that’s like mildewy towels left to rot in the washing machine on a 90 degree day, for like, a week?!  that one! 

he poked around in the cabinet area a bit, pushing aside moisturizers & kitten powders…then said that it was an old house, & that maybe it was something the previous (dirty fucking hippies!) tenants had put in there & that maybe it’d absorbed the smell.  typical.  then he said that it smelled good to him (i now stow incense in there), & not to worry about it.  he got kind of weird at this point, nervous, & said that maybe “baking soder” would get rid of some of the odor, if it was still a problem.

“did i just say baking soder?!”

“yes, you did!” i giggle. 

“well, ha…you know, baking soda.”

“oh, duh!  of course.  yes, i’ll try that.”

“well, it looks like everything’s okay in here!” 

meeting concluded.

later that evening, after said landlord gets on the roof to put up some more plastic, apologizing for it looking trashy, sam comes home.  we decide to leave the house for awhile.  first, i must use the loo–otherwise i’ll have to pee as soon as we shut the car doors. 

i’m going about business as usual, & glance down at the offending cabinet that was previously inspected by the landlord.  there i see, on the bottom shelf, gleaming like an oracle from baby jesus, my hot pink vibrator with spinning pearls in the shaft.  the ultra 2000 with the golden handle & varying speeds, out on display for all to see.   

oops.

rain will get you nowhere.

the dress

posted by:  audra

the other…week, i went to see a very dear friend at the vintage store at which she’s employed.  my first plan of action was to see her face; the second was to find something spectacular to wear for my annual day of worship–my birthday. 

right away i found the most perfect piece:  1940s (or whatever) baby-blue sheath dress, beaded all over, in really good condition.  capped sleeves, mid-calf length.  it had some ‘foo’ on it; some discoloration from years of wear, or a champagne toast gone awry.  the hem was a little frayed, but nothing a sharp pair of scissors wouldn’t fix.  the best part?  it was under twenty bucks.  believe it!  i was in love. 

i’m against trying garments on in stores.  i hate it.  i would rather deal with the hassle of returning or exchanging than to go into a tiny fitting room, smelling of moist armpits & vadge sweat, fucking up my hair, only to look into an unflattering mirror intensifying my cellulite under fluorescent lighting.  gross.  who wants to mess with that? 

so, i hold the dress up to my waist.  i’ve learned the fine art of holding things up to me, to see if they fit, without trying them on.  i’ve always been 100% accurate.  did you know that if you hold a dress (or whatever) up to your front, and can fit it halfway around you, then it will fit?   the waist of the blue baby fit perfectly.  i pulled it across my chest.  again, perfect. 

the dress makes it safely back to our home, where i try on my other treasures first.  everything’s good.  i step into the dress, and it hugs my hips in a non-hideous way, making me look thinner somehow.  the top fits as well.  the shoulder parts fall in just the right places. 

fuck.  the zipper won’t go up.

it won’t.  even.  move.

my back is FAT.  my back!  fat! 

i’m spilling over like a heavy-loaded fruit tree.

whatever.  stupid fucking vintage garments & their fucked up proportions! 

filthy tight, the dress is filthy.

but look at these fucking beads!

i went hunting in my closet for something else to wear.  remember that short, flared skirt i used to wear?  the black one?  kind of woolly?  yes, here it is.  i pull it on. 

i can’t get it fucking buttoned.  at ALL.   i don’t even want to think  of attempting to put on my favorite size 6  halter dress from several years ago.

but it’s feeling so damn tight tonight.

so, okay.  look.  i’ve been over this a gabillion times, but for god’s sake!  i truly believe that i will be forever self-sabotaging myself.  when we first moved in september, i took walks.  all the time.  sometimes two, three times a day.  i’d get up early.  i worked out.  jillian michels 30-day shred!  i was so sore the first week, i could barely move.  my weight was the lowest it’s been in 2 years.   my muffin-top was gone. 

then the weather got sort of crappy, & i started sleeping in.  i skipped working out, and sat looking for a job instead.  i drank a LOT of beer.  i may have had some cheese, too. 

is this common, the up-down weighty issues?  i’ve done it for as long as i can remember…and when i was at a weight close to 130lbs seven years ago with a shaved head, i didn’t think i’d ever gain weight again.  but i did, lost it, gained it back, about five times over.  so what if i fancy hot dogs, bacon & a pat of butter every now & then?  if i’ve said it once, i’ve said it seventy-seven times: i’m not an over-eater!  i’m an over-drinker.  maybe my food choices aren’t the best all the time.  and i’m lazy.  do you even know what kind of damage that combination can do to your chins?!

last year my goal was to lose a bunch of weight, get skinny & bleach my hair to look like debbie harry in the 70s.  do you know how many layers of black hair-dye i have on my head?!  too many to ever be that blonde.  perhaps i need something a little more realistic, like fitting into the dress?  or, at least my old, flared black skirt.  gross…is this me making the new years resolutions already?!