i can’t believe i dyed my hair & shaved my legs for THIS…

posted by:  audra

the most preciously icky thing just happened to me:  a job interview gone totally horrible.  it went something like this…

10:27 am:  i leave the house, perfectly pressed & polished. 

10:45 am:  arrive at destination really early.  my appointment was at 11:15.  the outside of the building is nice, professional, cute…kind of stands out in the skeezy neighb.  

10:46 am:  go inside of said destination.  interior is dismal; one crappy watercolor on the wall, about 5 dingy gray chairs that have seen better days, NO magazines.   TINY room…maybe 6×8 in dimension? 

10:48 am:  greet front desk person mySELF.  she’s trashy & kind of rude.  i sit in one of said gross chairs.

10:48 am:  shortly after sitting, a woman clamors in with her two crumb-snatching crotch-maggots.  one of the chitlins isn’t doing so well.  i thought maybe he was just throwing a little hissy fit, by how the mom was petting his head asking if he was okay.  evidently he wasn’t throwing a hissy–he was going to throw up. 

10:49 am:  the mother keeps badgering the ugly, sick child and finally asks if he’s “going to puke”.   his answer:  ”uh huh.” 

10:49 am:  i panic.  i have a fucking interview, you sick fucks!  you know your child has some sort of vomitty ebola virus or whatever, and you STILL take him out in public, you fucking imbecile?!  what is wrong with people?!!  if there’s ONE thing i can’t handle, it’s vomit.  it’s my absolute number one fear–being vomited ON or NEAR.  i don’t want to hear it, see it, smell it or worst of all–feel it.  i’m so freaked out at this point that i’m literally shaking, because this kid’s about to blow.  it was carpeted though, so that would reduce the chances of splatter.  i had a plan to jump up & run to the opposite corner of the room, should this actually take place in this tiny, gross lobby.  no restroom sign in sight, the mother rushes over to the front desk area to ask where the bathroom is.  pointing to a weird, unmarked, white door, the mother grabs the timebomb & takes him into the loo. 

10:50 am:  not 2 seconds later, i hear it.  everything.  every detailed, splashy, liquidy awfulness.  great.  not only is this reeeeally fucking sick, i had to pee.

10:50 am:  i move to the farthest chair away from the door to hell. 

10:53 am:  a dumpy, trashy mouse with a scrunchie comes out of another door.  she thanks two people of mystery & leaves.  immediately following her exit, i’m called into the room.

10:54 am:  i’m greeted by a short, old-ish man with a weird face.  kind of like he’s melting…somewhat like toby on the office, only browner.  not latin brown, just brown.  brown skin, brown hair, brown suit.  cheap.  there’s a woman, too…she seems nice.  conservative, but nice.  mr. brown is totally skeezed out, like total sexual-predator vibe.  gross, gross, gross. 

10:55 am:  “wow….you’re eyebrows are amazing!  that must take you a long time to do everyday!”   strike one, asshole. 

so, we do a bit of small-talk.  it’s awkward.  mr. brown seems drunk.  is he?  is it just pills?  maybe he’s really hungover.  nope, i’m pretty sure he’s intoxicated.  he’s awfully loose.  and he rubs his face an awful lot.  they ask why i’m not with my former-employers any longer, and i explain.  it appears that this is the first time he’s reviewing my resume.  he says, “oh i see you worked at some vineyards!”  well, just the one VINEYARD…but yes.  “wow, you commuted all the way out there?”  yes, of course i did.  the woman is silent.  “what did you do at your last job?”  well, since you’re looking RIGHT AT MY RESUME, i suppose i’ll save you a step & tell you.  “do you have questions for us?”

10:58ish am:  i reply with, “oh, yes i do!  um….so [the woman] told me yesterday on the phone that you’d be hiring for several different positions.  i was under the impression that there was just the one.  i want to be certain–which position am i actually interviewing for?”

yes, i really had to ask that.  this was ridiculous.  “oh, well, you’d definitely be interviewing for the front-office position.”  okay….and? 

i ask what the pay is going to be.  get this…

“that’s a good question.  i see here that you made [undisclosed amount] at your last job.  i can tell you right now that we won’t be able to pay you that much, but it won’t be any less that what we’d pay our administrative assistant.” 

and i didn’t make “that much” at my last job.  seriously.  you’d have thought i was asking them to start me at $65/hr or something.  i have to backup a bit….yesterday when i spoke with this woman to setup the interview, i asked what the wage was.  she was real  sketch about it then, too.  what is with these people?!  i should also add that they’re looking to hire IMMEDIATELY, as in now.  so, wouldn’t you think they’d have the payroll shit figured out??  they wouldn’t even give me a ballpark figure!  isn’t that weird?!  i said that i would possibly take a little bit of a pay-cut, just to have a job.  he says, “well, you’re on unemployment, right?”

“no, i’m not.”

“why not?!  man, i’ve had people just walk right out of the door on me, and straight to the unemployment office!  it’s free money!” 

really??  oh my god.  so i’m sitting in an interview with your company, and you just told me that “people” have repeatedly “walked out the door”?!  sounds like an awesome company to work for. 

i’m of course, horrified, but he asks if i have any other questions.  i had prepared a long list of really articulate questions, so i continued with my next one, “what would you say the typical career path is for someone in this position?”  thinking he’d answer with paralegal, legal assistant, something clerical, whatever…maybe going to law school…right? 

no.  he LAUGHS.  laughs!  shakes his head, rubs his brown face some more.  “wull, i dunno…i mean, you either got the skills & move on, or you don’t!” 

i mean, is this is a totally retarded question to ask an interviewer?!  i think it’s pretty valid, don’t you? 

NEXT!

“what are a few things you feel makes this position interesting & challenging?”

MORE FUCKING GIGGLES!  and face rubbing!  and an, “ohhhh….hmmm…..that’s a good question.  the clients? (laughs again) the people i work with?  yeah…the people who work here definitely keep it interesting.” 

ewwww i totally feel like i need a rape-shower!

this is when i decide not to ask any more questions, especially “how do you keep your employees happy & motivated?”  i don’t even want to know. 

11:07 am:  interview concluded.  i was barely in there for 10 minutes, and all of this ickiness happened. 

rules for potential employers:  when you interview me, be professional!  don’t you fucking dare laugh in my face, and don’t even THINK of commenting on how much time it must take me  to do my eyebrows!  inappropriate!  and don’t tell me that people have walked out on the job!  NOT COOL!  and especially, BE PREPARED & don’t look like a TOTAL FUCKING MORON!! 

i’m over today.  i need a drink.  who’s in?

antichrist

posted by:  audra

…by the by, in case you’re wondering what i’m thinking about right this very second–i am totally tinkling my knickers in anticipation of seeing the new lars von trier:  charlotte gainsbourg, willem dafoe & a seemingly interesting plot peppered with super-fucked up imagery: 

you’ll be the first to know when i’ve viewed it!  apparently, “the film has come under attack for what some critics view as misogyny, as well as for featuring explicit sexual violence.”  yes.  sounds delicious, don’t you think?

bad faux-mance

posted by:  audra

uh oh, babies…i discovered today that i’ve committed a majorly terrible fashion faux-pas.  and before you go snickering about my white socks with hot pink sequined flats, cuffed jeans & furry coat…THAT was in the privacy of my own backyard and was NOT meant to be seen by my hot neighbors.  who are they to be looking through our transparent fence, anyway?  none of your fucking business, pervs!  ANYWAY, so today i finally heard the new lady gaga on le radio titled ‘bad romance’.  i nearly shat glitter & champagne corks.  isn’t it the bestest?!  she’s my new obsession.  i hated the gaga before, and have finally decided that she’s kind of amazing.  anyways…so of course i immediately checked youtube for the video–i’m quite taken with hers–and you know what i got?  wait for it…. 

…she DEBUTED bad romance  at the alexander mcqueen spring 2010 ready to wear show!!!  what the fuck?!  seriously?!  i  blogged this AGES ago, and who’s the retard that didn’t actually watch the show, but took the easy route & just looked at the pictures?!  god.  whatever.  here it is, and it’s quite amazing:

did you look at those fucking shoes?!  uh-mazing.  and speaking of arranging music for fashion shows….sam & i would be soooo good at it, you have no idea.  can you even imagine betsey johnson fall 2011 ready to wear with le tigre’s the the empty  on the runway?!  please!  your head would explode!

 anyone steals my bj idea & you’re dead fucking meat. 

current obsessions

posted by:  audra

apparently i’m real good at list-making.  it’s easier, maybe?  this one is not bulleted, but i have faith in you.

whatever, martha!  awesomest show EVER.  maybe not ever, but it’s close.  want to know a secret?  i kind of want to be martha stewart.  i do.  doesn’t every girl want to be attractive, make her own laundry detergent from garden soil, cultivate her own hybrid lilies, make halloween-themed pasta (riga-boni!!), AND launder the sheets every day?!  this show starring martha’s jaded daughter alexis and her adorable, sarcastic friend jennifer takes everything martha does & debunks it like the guys on ghost hunters…and it’s hilarious.  i heart it. 

right?!  fine living network, my domestically challenged beauties.  you will love it.  i promise.

black eyed peas meet me halfway.  god, i hate myself.   is this old-ish or new?  i don’t even know…but i do  know that every time i switch the radio to z100, it’s on.  which is embarrassingly often.  i can only take so much fever ray & animal collective, you know?  it’s SO good…but the video is terrible…brace yourselves:

i wonder if the yyy’s know that they totally stole that maps guitar thing?  hmm.  anyways, my absolute favorite, favorite, FAVORITE song of the moment is this:  the raveonettes breaking into cars: 

i think i put it on my myspace awhile ago…and calm yourself–there’s not a video just yet.  it’s fucking so delicious that i would totally die for them.  fucking BRILLIANT.  love, love, looove.  lyrics are simple, but the sound is dark & sexy like 60s film noir.  the whole record…even the more ludicrously titled songs like boys who rape (should all be destroyed).  a good portion of the tracks are about heartbreak & things you can’t have…always delicious.  i’m a total lyric snob, and upon first listen i thought it was rubbish.  but i kept listening, because they’re like my favorite band EVER, and i wanted to like it.  now i love it for real.  i do!  the raveonettes – in & out of control.  buy it now.  it will make you look cool…because they’re so amazing.  believe it!  what?  i need something to balance out the black eyed peas…

my shower.  when sam & i moved into the house in september, the shower water pressure was AWFUL.  it took ten minutes just to rinse all the shower gel out of my naughty bits.  it was really upsetting, considering our old shower would pelt your clit right off if you turned the water on all the way.  then, one random sunday, i turned on the shower and there was suddenly crazy awesome water pressure.  where did this come from?!  did someone switch a pressure switch?  my theory is that my household ghost was concerned for my well-being–i no longer could have precious “intimate” showers with myself.  now i can, once again.  it IS just deep crevice-cleaning with perks, afterall.  anywaysies!  not only does it come with that  now, but i can shower in half the time! 

pouring salt on slugs.  these fuckers are everywhere.  and i thought the spiders were bad!   now that the icky spiders have gone along their way, i’m now finding slugs on our back patio.  in droves.  i’ve killed at lease a dozen of them in the past month.   last weekend, one of our friends actually petted (petted!!)  one, stating that it was a ‘leopard slug’, or something.  unless it’s wearing a leopard fur coat, i don’t want it on my fucking patio. 

neighbor betsey.  i’m pretty sure we’re meant to be besties.  oh my god, betsey my bestie!!  gross.  it’s too perfect.  she lives across the street.  long black hair, long bangs, super-skinny, retardedly hip…god forbid i ever actually meet her and she reads this blog.  i would die.  like, die-die, not like ‘i die’-die.  jesus christ, how horrifying!  i mean, it could happen, right?!  k-fed stood on my FRONT LAWN last weekend for god’s sake!  you just never know what may happen….

 

the horrors

posted by:  audra

what, in god’s name, does it take to make a good horror film these days?!  i don’t get it.  every single one of them is bad.  sometimes they start out okay, and then inevitably, something really fucking retarded happens at the end to ruin the whole thing for you.   this year cuntington octhorror fest was a bit of a disappointment.  some good, some bad….we mostly just ran out of time for more of the good ones.  which is fine; lots of entertaining & such…but still, i miss my saturday evenings in frump-wear, watching hours & hours of bone-sawing, eye-gouging deliciousness.  here are a few highlights of le cuntington octhorrorfest 2009:

first let’s take the much-hyped paranormal activity.  after seeing the trailer online, and then going through all the effort to ‘demand it’ in our beloved pdx, i thought it was going to be thee best movie about a haunting ever made.  sam & i went with a couple of friends last week, and i was nearly clawing the spanx right off my thighs–i was that  excited for it.   in case you missed trailer, here it is:

right?!   it looks good!  blair witch mockumentary style with a cast of nobodies & a disembodied presence lifting the sheets!  yes!  no.  “scary as hell.” &  ”the scariest movie of the year.” ?!  really…?  there’s too much talking at the beginning; lots of annoying banter, which some reviewers found “funny”.  the girl–katie–gets old real  quick.  she claims she’s been followed by a ghost or something her whole life, and the activity in their house has picked up.  so, katie & her boyfriend micah begin to document all of this, hoping to catch something on camera.  my favorite parts were the night-time playbacks of their bedroom during sleep…but mostly you’re just left waiting for something to happen.  i won’t ruin it for you, but the ending is terrible.  everyone amongst us in the theater was literally laughing out loud(!).  there were no ending credits, & the lights never came on…so we all just sat there waiting.  one person asked, “is that it?”  another replied, “god, i hope so.”  let that be a warning to you.

the haunting in connecticut. 

did you see the docudrama this is based on?  it’s done by the discovery channel, those little reenacted tales of hauntings, appropriately called a haunting.  (which by the by, have moved to tuesdays at 11am now!)  anyway, so we saw the documentary-thing this film was based on–a haunting in connecticut–and liked it.  really liked it.  it’s about a boy whose name escapes me a the moment–paul i think?–who has cancer.  the mother spends hours & hours every day bringing him back & forth from their home to the hospital, and opts to rent a house that’s closer to the hospital, to make it easier on her son.  eventually the whole family moves in, and they all experience paranormal goings-on in the house; a former funeral home.  the movie, however, makes it appear that it’s only paul who is experiencing these things & chalks it up to his cancer treatment & medication…like he’s hallucinating.  they stray so far away from the original story, that i found it ridiculous.  lots of special effects in poor-taste, too, which is never okay.  it started out good, it could’ve ended well, and they ruined it.  based on true events!

the changeling.

this one’s a real gem.  it’s scary, has a sordid plot and george c. scott.  a 1980 film about a man who moves into a gigantic abandoned mansion after seeing his entire family bite the dust.  he soon discovers that he is not alone in the house & that he’s being contacted by the spirit of a young girl.  drama ensues! 

the strangers.

okay…this isn’t new to us, but sam & i rewatch it every time it’s on–and it’s always scary.  there is nothing more frightening to me than the thought of home invasion.  this is one of my all-time favorite films about just that:  liv tyler (i know, i know…) and her boyfriend are staying at his family’s cabin in the woods.  they come back to the cabin after a little soiree at like, 4am, have a huge fight, and then hear a knock at the door.  “is tamara there?”  sweet jesus, if anyone comes to your door and asks for tamara, shoot them in the head & get the fuck out of there!  anyways…so, from then on, liv & her boyfriend are tormented from the outside by a group of people wreaking havoc on their nerves.  sounds dumb, but it’s awesome all the way through, and truly nail-bitingly intense.  but! as we learned before, writers & directors are the experts of fucking up endings:  this one ends retardedly as well…but it’s still worth seeing.  inspired by true events!

the mist.

i refuse to even post the trailer; sweet god almighty…how i made it through this entire film, i will never know.  it was cold out?  we made grilled cheeses?  it was a sunday afternoon & nothing else was on?  whatever–there’s still no excuse.  possibly the WORST MOVIE EVER.   a bunch of mismatched hillbillies get locked in a supermarket while the earth is being taken over by gigantic, genetically fucked insects developed by the military.  the guy from hung stars, as well as marcia gay hardenup for film roles.  hung takes a risky move near the end & it almost  made the movie worth my time…but that’s 2 hours of my life i will never, ever get back. 

the cottage.

it’s british!  british-horror, which means it’s kinda funny!  in a good way!  the short version:  2 brothers kidnap a blonde slut, who who’s daddy’s a stripclub kingpen, or something.  the two don’t really know what they’re doing, and cute little british hijinks unfold.  a kind of leatherface shows up at some little cottage up the way–the very same cottage a couple of characters try to find refuge in–and MORE hijinks unfold & shovels fly!  blood, decapitation & cleverly delivered humor.   sounds dumb, but it’s totally kinda really good. 

the moral is this:  don’t let bad horror films ruin your halloween next year!  stick to the good ones:  the shining, wolf creek, poltergeist, the amityville horror, texas chainsaw massacre, friday the 13th & halloween.  the ORIGINALS, you guys!  don’t fall for the remade crap.   and if you want b-movies– cheerleader camp, sleepaway camp & sorority house massacre!  you will love them.  i love you & you’re very welcome.  you can buy me a drink or something later…our little secret.

dear audra…

posted by:  audra

i was fretting that you were thinking of doing something stupid; so, just in case…

• shampoos that claim to extend the life of your color-treated hair don’t stop the growth of your hair.  or your ‘ultra-platinum’ roots.
• worms are disgusting & will ruin your brick patio.  i don’t know of an organic method to kill them, other than slicing them in half…but when i do, i’ll let you know.
• marley dies at the end of marley & me, regardless of what your friends may tell you.  they are lying, and you’ll sob till your eyes puff up into unrecognizable globs of flesh.
• beth ditto is the new jesus.
• if you’re a dirty hippie & work at new seasons, don’t tell the “goth” girl that she’s wearing too much makeup.  it’s bad form & makes you look like even more of an asshole than your retarded hemp necklace-thing.  who asked you anyway?!  the day a drag queen tells me i’m wearing too much makeup will be the only day i start to cut back.  fuck you!  i’m still pissed. 
• stop wasting your time on friends who don’t treat you with the love & respect you give them!  i can’t stress this enough, & i’m disgusted with myself that i’ve put up with shitty friends yet again.  will they check on you when you’re sick?  no.  will they respond to your embarrassing drunk-texts?  no.  will they call you to apologize because they’re being retarded?  no.  be done with them!  i am. 
• boy joy is awesome live, but NOT OKAY to listen to recreationally! 
• tell your friends to fuck off if they tell you that the notebook is a bad movie.  okay, it IS kind of bad…but it’s so good at the same time.
• echo has an amazing happy hour, decent menu, delicious pumpkin gnocchi…and the music there is like our ipod on shuffle.  heart, heart!
• vacuum the dark & scary places in your house.  sometimes icky, poisonous spiders reside there & may shock you with their presence at 2:30am.  don’t become a victim!
• setting your cocktail down on the side of the tub while bathing is gambling with fate!  make sure you keep a stern eye on that shit, and don’t let it slide into the bath & shatter into a zillion pieces.  do you really want bloody footprints on the floor in the morning after your shower?!  think about it! 
• speaking of broken glass….  for god’s sake, if you have a tommy-tippy vase full of flowers or whatever–and you’re drunk–don’t go anywhere near it! 
• it’s october & the purr-fect time to be listening to clinic.  any album–but walking with thee  is the bestest for the season.  don’t worry; it’s not a jesus record.  i hope. 
• …shannon wright dyed in the wool   is also delicious this time of year.  turn it up super-loud on a cold, rainy day.  you’re welcome!
• the hot girl with bangs & black hair across the street…?  her name is betsy.  BETSY!!!  how cute is that?!   but don’t be fooled; she WILL  see you do embarrassing things…like swatting at an insect on your patio chair with a shoe at 2am without makeup & wearing a fleece.  watch yourself at ALL TIMES.  there’s always someone there seeing you being an idiot!  YOU!  you’re the idiot!  be careful!  just sayin…
• …and kevin federline across the street?  he’s ALWAYS there, watching your back.  respect him.
• never, EVER “settle down”.  it is LAME & not necessary!  do you think vivienne westwood & betsey johnson are going to “settle down”?!  no!  don’t be lame.  just because you’re of a “certain age” doesn’t mean you have to stop being cool!  if i turn into a mommy who wears juicy couture, drives a suburban & dines at the olive garden…please make me a paraquat cocktail, isabella blow style.

dix

posted by:  audra

so, babies…it’s nice to be back, yes?!  i’m happy, you’re happy…and i can’t tell you how many “thank-yous” i’ve gotten for posting again.  actually, that’s a lie; i can…and it’s 3.  but that’s better than nothing, right?! 

so kids–my 3 readers–you’re very welcome & it’s my pleasure. 

i bet you’re all wondering, what is it she’s up to, now that since there’s still no job in the picture?  well, i’ll tell you.  i’ve been learning things!  and brace yourselves…i’ve learned a lot.

1. the chicken fried steak at the spare room is fucking awesome.  the whole plate is covered–literally the whole plate–with sausage gravy.  it comes with a side salad (with shredded cheese, of course), garlic toast, and assorted steamed vegetables.  i love me some dive bars…but this place is like shari’s had a baby with the sandy hut.  and i adore it. 
2. you can almost always find a marathon of roseanne or the golden girls on at any given time of any given day. 
3. a haunting marathon on the discovery channel is on mondays from 11am-5pm.
4. the bottom portion of our bathroom cabinet fucking reeeeeeks.  if i go more than 2 days without cleaning it, it smells like rotting wet towels that have been left in the washing machine for several days (not that i would have any experience at ALL with that).  i think there may be some sort of water leak or something in there….i have bleached, vinegared, clorox everyday’d, baking soda’d, citrus cleaned…you fucking name it, i’ve scoured with it….and the smell returns every fucking time!  suggestions?  my touch me then try to leave cream  can NOT live in a cabinet like that!
5. there are no good jobs.  anywhere.  oh, there was one…and it was purr-fect, in my neighborhood, paid a lot, i was more  than qualified…and they never called me.  fine!  you just lost yourself the jolt of sunshine your pathetic office was in need of!  i hope you’re happy, assholes!
6. i can go without smoking for hours.  sometimes i don’t even smoke until like, 4 in the afternoon!  i knew i wasn’t addicted. 
7. i am good at losing weight.   but even better at gaining that weight back after getting a head/chest cold and doing nothing but eating grilled cheeses & watching the telly for 5 days on the pretty pink sofa.
8. i miss my friends!  terribly!  all of you; some more than others…  call me!  i know that i project the busy, glamorous, glitterati lifestyle you could only dream of having…but i’m probably just doing a load of laundry &  scrubbing the bathroom floors whilst golden girls are on in the background.
9. happy hour at le room florida is my favorite.  6 old g’s, endless chain-smoking, 2 orders of sliders with tots & a bar tab of $9.50.  amazing.
10. the remake of the last house on the left was good.  pretty good, at least.  i was pleasantly surprised…until the very end.  why do they always have to fuck it up?!  spoiler alert:  krug’s exploding head in the microwave.  retarded!

spring 2010 ready-to-wet-your-knickers

posted by:  audra

oh my god, how i’ve missed style.com!  seriously, i haven’t even been looking at stuff…that’s how pathetic i’ve been.  and today?  i went through all  the spring 2010 ready-to-wear collections.  some were way disappointing, like marchesa.  ugh.  and then i read that irving penn, one of my favorite-favorite photographers, and certainly one of the most well-respected fashion photogs EVER has bitten the dust at age 92. 

let’s take a moment of silence for mr. penn.

okay!  that’s enough…now onto the fashion.  there are a lot of limbs gone out on for spring, and i’m not sure which ones are good, and which ones are not so good…yet. 

alexander mcqueen spring 2010 ready-to-wear

i ALWAYS love, love alexander mcqueen.  this collection surprised me a bit; very reptilian-ethereal-alien-wrapped-in-ectoplasm.  i didn’t watch the show, but i can only pray to baby jesus that the church’s ‘reptile’ was the runway music!  and i looove the black pieces towards the end…i die for the very last black dress. 

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john galliano spring 2010 ready-to-wear

man, i looooove  me some john galliano.  i do.  i could eat him.  i’m not sure how i feel about this collection though….it’s sort of rummage-sale-secretary-costumey-chic had a baby with edie beale.  but i like it…?  kinda?  these were some of my favorites…

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wunderkind spring 2010 ready-to-wear

i’ve never been crazy about wunderkind…i think it’s only the name that i don’t like.  i’ve never given it a chance, but it caught my eye this time.  style.com wasn’t wild about this collection, but i think designer wolfgang joop did a bang-up job in black & blue…

you know i have a weakness for anything black, but i think these are truly beautiful.  would maybe be better with some plain, old, opaque black tights or some wide-fenced fishnets…?  but, whatever…i totally feel better now!  sweet fashion dreams, my loves! 

dear audra…

posted by:  audra

who doesn’t need advice every now & then?!  i haven’t any askings for advice yet, but the psychic sally in me knows you need to know this stuff…and i am wise from experience!  so, here you go; everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask:

• for god’s sake, if you have a vadge-doctor appointment, but don’t really know if he’s going to have to take a look-see at your naughty bits…DON’T waste your time veeting the morning-of, and then spend two days sweating in skinny jeans moving into a house;  it makes for unsightly results.
• …and if you do find yourself in this unsavory position, rub some hydrocortisone on your accident twice daily & it should be cleared up in a snap! 
• do not eat an entire bag of pork rinds in two days by yourself.  it’s gross & will wreak serious havoc on your body.
• don’t assume that your future, awesome landlords have thoroughly cleaned your new dwelling.  there may be ants, crumbs & long strands of foreign hair in places you’d never suspect.
• funemployment does have its perks.  but spending all day–maybe 3 in a row without leaving the house–in a place that’s a total disaster, but you can’t do anything will make you go really fucking crazy.
• when all else fails, drinking is usually a good idea.
• people generally don’t think you’re a freak if you go out without makeup…even if you’re one of those people that do, indeed, need makeup!
• and, if you’re reeeeally feeling frisky, try going out in jeans & a tee…maybe even flats!  you will amaze your friends with your courage.
• if you’re a girl, and work at a reputable & popular local pizza joint, please don’t wear jeans to your workplace so low that it shows where you shaved your short & curlies.  it’s gross.
• …but at least she shaved!  groom that shit!
• jillian michaels WILL change your life!  or, at least your body.  it sucks actually doing the work, but you could be hot!  yes, YOU!  or, me…just put down the bottle of vodka, pick up your inhaler & get to work!
• sleeping until 11am & watching a marathon of ‘a haunting’ on the discovery channel on mondays will not make you feel smarter or more productive. 
• …but it just may stir up a little something in that could-be-haunted-house of yours. 
• watch foreign horror films!  they are ALWAYS better than the american ones, you’ll feel cool AND they are really fucking scary! 
• if you are out of philosophy bubble bath, just dump some baking soda or epsom salts into the tub.  you’ll still be without bubbles, but your skin will be super-soft!  and, i’ve heard that epsom salts help rid your body of excess water retention! 
• treat your friends as well or better than you treat your family.
• never accept ugly people as your friends.  afterall, your friends are a direct reflection of yourself!
• leave a treat for your neighborhood bottle-goblins.  they are the ones who know you’re the alcoholic on the street, and you wouldn’t want that getting around now, would you?!  be nice to them, and they’ll be nice to you.  put your bottles out early, and leave the ones with deposits on top!  wine & gin bottles go on the bottom…it’s that easy!
• it’s wise not to invite stray, attractive dogs into your yard.  you will only want to keep them after they sit on your feet & lick your hand!  best to just let them tinkle on your grass & off they go.
• lean cuisine paninis take EXACTLY 2 minutes & 45 seconds in the micro!  do not stray from that recommendation!
• if there is a painting in your house that suddenly smells odd, move it.  it’s probably pissed that you put it there & just needs a change of scenery.
• it is NEVER okay to go out looking dumpy!  nevermind what i said about it being okay to be going out without makeup & sporting frump-wear!  it was bullshit & an oversight on my part.  you never know who you will run into, and you should ALWAYS LOOK LIKE YOU’RE GOING SOMEPLACE BETTER LATER!!  i live by this, and it has yet to let me down.
• whiskey is usually a bad idea!  it will make you act retarded & you’ll have to apologize the next day for being an asshole. 
• speaking of drinking…  drunk-facebooking, myspacing & ESPECIALLY drunk-texting is ALWAYS BAD!  you know it is, i know it is, and we’ve all done it.  so knock it off!
• drunk-blogging is okay.
• you’re more attractive than you think you are!  stop spending hours picking at invisible things on your face, and spend that time shaving your arms instead.  but girls only–boys without arm-hair is creepy!
• close your closet doors at night, and always, ALWAYS put the fucking lid down on the loo.   and when you leave your home for an extended period of time, place stoppers in all your drains…otherwise all the good chi will go flying out of there while you’re gone!
• ALWAYS TIP WELL!  i can’t say this enough.  i always tip at LEAST 20 or 25%, even if i get the worst service–which is NEVER–and i believe it’s just good-tipping karma.  do it!  i guarantee you’ll get excellent service in less than a month if you just start tipping better! 
•  never, ever, EVER wear baby-backpacks.  i fucking hate, hate, hate them….and they just look stupid.

you’ll thank me later, and you’re welcome!

sensory deprivation = over!

posted by:  audra

okay.  look, kids–i know this hasn’t been easy…for any of us.  i miss the weekly recounts of my life just as much as you do!  believe it!  and i have gotten scolded…many a time…for having this much fucking time on my hands & not blogging.  but! it’s all i can do to not sit in front of a screen all day, talking about myself.  it’s been a struggle not to do so, but here you go.  it’s all going to be purged…even old posts from weeks & weeks ago that were never posted!  exciting, right?!  and so, we begin….

august 20-something, 2009:

an elitist’s guide to sea-rattle:  dive bars, lamb & a bus stop

okay.  so.  i know, right?  you’ve been sitting around, waiting for the night to come, or whatever.  at least i have.  you want to know ALL about what the biscuits & i have been up to?  of course you do!  i should have probably made a little note saying ‘sigh…we will be on temporary blog sabbatical for a bit…’ so that y’all didn’t throw a hissy.  but i didn’t.  and now that hissy has come & you’re sick of checking for new posts.  i know my friends well, so i know it’s happened…

disclaimer:  this is neither charming nor witty….like you’re used to.  continue if you wish…

so kids…sam & i had THE most lovely vacay in seattle EVER.  seriously.  like, better than new orleans, london, paris & the coast of italy combined.  for realsies.  believe it.  in seattle, of all places!  we met THE most incredible people EVER.  ever.  and then we came home & then i come into work the next day to find out that i have been fired.  i’ve realized since that day that i’m much too pretty to work there, so it’s for the better.  and anyway, who wants to hear about that?!  not you.  so….

the first night we were in seattle, we stumbled upon this bar i’d found on yelp called the nitelite.  please, please go here iffn’ you’re in the mood for a cranky bar-maid, divey slabtown-esque setting& craving something called taco fries.  de-fucking-licious.  it’s this ridiculously gross looking pile of fries with taco meat, jalapeños, sour cream, tomatoes & cheese.  jesus christ.  i literally was so sick & feeling awful that i was running a fever when we arrived last-last-last thursday night, & these babies totally cured me.  that, and some beer.  these fucking d & d idiots sat next to US (of course), so we had the honor of listening to the different methods & such of dungeons & dragons.  they’re quite lucky i wasn’t feeling well, was getting drunk & had the taco fries on my side.  in fact, the bartender repeatedly asked them if they were ‘actually going to order’ and if not, then to ‘get out of her establishment’.  awesome.  even she knew they were idiots.

the next day was the pinnacle of our trip.  we have the most uh-mazing friends ever, and are SO lucky to have them… friday was the 2-year anniversary of our dear, dear friend seth’s death.  our lovely friends k & a hosted an amazing soiree with all of seth’s close friends, and i tell you what, it was such an honor to be at a gatheringsurrounded  by his nearest & dearest, and to be included in something like that.   there were some incredible experiences surrounding all of that, including getting a town car escort sorta by accident.  anyway, we love you guys to death & miss you terribly already! 

saturday after le party, we slept until 2 or 3-ish.  sam & i–in typical cuntington fashion—got coffee & ended up hoofing it to the funhouse, a rad little venue/bar where some of our very close pdxoxo bands play often.  perhaps you should know that at this point, i am NOT showered, NOT made-up, NOT wearing clean clothes, nor are my teeth or hair brushed.  believe it.  i’m wearing 2 dirty black tank tops, dirty jeans, a leopard headscarf, huge sunglasses & converse.  i know, right?!  see, if you think i never go out in public undone, you’re right.  but maybe in a foreign city i might.  this, or course, is when we run into mutual friends of friends.  and also drink breakfast bloodies…

…because this lovely little venue, and lovely it is…does not serve food.  real food, anyway.  the waitress stated that they ‘have a microwave’ and ‘unless you want a hungryman frozen dinner, you’re better off next door.’   so we drank our breaky drinks & walked to the best bar ever, the 5 point café.  just hearing someone else say ‘hungryman’ is embarrassing enough. 

kids, you don’t know what you’re missing until you’vebeen to the 5 point.  incredible people, super-laid-back, delicious diner food, and a fucking rad juke box.  we had gone to this place on friday afternoon prior to the seth-party & lurrrrved  it.  it felt like home; i never wanted to leave.   it’s not touristy in the least, so you’ll meet the bestest locals EVER.  the sexy bartenders are nice if you’re nice to them.  the bathrooms are clean, but one drunky away from being gross, which is what i like.  the clubhouse is perfectly mayonaissed & baconed.  the omelets are fluffy & cheesy.  you’ll likely hear the cult, mother love bone & mudhoney.  if the regulars like you, they may give you half of their peanut butter cup—straight from the freezer.  and then hug you on your way out the door.  and if you’re lucky, their number & email address.   this place has been around since 1929, or whatever, for obvious reasons.   heart, heart!  i fucking love the 5 point.  thank you, babies!

le saturday afternoon after our booze breakfast, sam & i went back to the hotel max where we were residing, to you know, shower & such.  maybe sober up a spot, too.  we then made our way to a cab to explore capitol hill.  love, love, love, you guys!  it’s sooo quiet & rad up there, i nearly passed out.  after spending waaay too much time & money in sonic boom records, i asked this super-hip & attractive gentleman passing by which bar he would recommend.  he rattled off several places, so we sort of walked around peering in doors to investigate.  nothing really spoke to us until we came upon smith, the last place he’d mentioned.  i could live in smith.  really.  it’s dark, minimalistic, but cozy.  taxidermied heads of various animals & birds mounted tastefully(!) on the walls next to abstract portraits of important americana figures past.  the bathrooms are super dark, with the stalls made out of very old doors.  the sink is mounted in an old sideboard.  delicious.  the servers are really fucking hot, really fucking nice, and the jukebox contains sleater-kinney, heliosequence & the jam.  we ordered some marrow bones with bruschetta ($9) to start.  sam had a burger for around $12 (& mentioned it was possibly better than the slow burger?!), and i had a steak & potatoes with duck fat for 14 bucks.  ridiculously underpriced, fantastic atmosphere, rad servers……sigh!   i’m kicking myself that we didn’t take hardly ANY pictures the entire trip…especially of the food—and the hot people we met.  anyway, at smith we drank several really amazing local beers…which embarrassingly enough, i have no idea what they were…but then went on a quest to find another bar we’d been dying to visit:  the redwood. 

it took asking 3 different people on the street (after walking around drunk & aimlessly by ourselves) to find it.  but when we did, it was like a glowing oracle.  i’d been DYING to come here, you guys.  i read about this thing, this ‘seattle dog’, which is a hot dog smothered with cream cheese.  i nearly had a coronary.  the redwood is supposed to haveit….but upon sitting at the bar, it was nowhere in sight.  we sat awhile & noticed a cute little couple sit next to us.  but i was ready to leave.  the bartender wasn’t very good, my creamy hot dog wasn’t present & i was tired.  my breakfast bloodies were really starting to kick in.  the music was terrible too.  i think we were there long enough to hear the allman brothers greatest hits record twice.  gross.  i’m pretty sure we put some money in the juke at this point…the only song i remember playing was ‘transmission’…

and thanks to ian curtis, it lead us to make instant bffs with the cute couple sitting at the bar next to us.  we began bantering back & forth about music, & ended up doing a bit of bar-hopping with them for the rest of the evening.  i felt a bit out of sorts, what with my frump-wear:  black top, cuffed skinny jeans & converse…but somehow my sparkling personality was still able to shine through.  thanks baby jesus!  the four of us went to the buck  for a few drinks; cute place, crowded, small, nice servers…and three words:  wasabi grilled cheese.  whilst i didn’t have the time to make gastronomic love to my grilled cheese, it was still enough to make me wanna go back.   and so, after we passed the buck, we managed to find this fabulous little bar called the bus stop. 

the bus stop = hot staff, amazing dj (book of love + old new order!), small, intimate classy bar posing as a dive.  it’s the bartender’s bar.  the owner is beautiful, super-nice & he’ll be disgustingly attentive–even if he’s busy.  believe it.  you’ll love it, babies!  promise!  and be sure to stop in the cute little vintage store next door…there just might be a glamorous tranny begging you to come in & take a look at a few oddities.  just sayin…

sunday i believe we slept in…again…and perhaps went for a little walk around.  i think it was hot?   i don’t really remember.  but i do remember meeting our lovely, lovely friend bianca for sushi at the red fin at the hotel max.  yours truly ordered something called the yummy roll; skrimp tempura with cream cheese (!) wrapped up with some sort of fluorescent orange roe on top…salmon roe maybe?  yummy indeed.  b had the las vegas roll, and sam something neither of us remember… but i believe it too had cream cheese & definitely eel.   lovely…but not the greatest place ever.  the alcoholic in me ordered a tasteful lychee martini, but of course followed that up with a vodka tonic after the sushi.  delicious.  we then talked bianca into going back to the bus stop with us; it happened to be karaoke night.   god bless that bar.  i swear on chanel i would have done something, but those fucks were gooood  in there.  intimidatingly good.  had it been a bar with dirty old men & ladies lubed up with jean nate, i totally would have pulled off my best sophie b. hawkins, but for god’s sake….

monday = DEPECHE MODE DAY.  yes, kids– the whole day.  except for the break we took for dinner at ten mercer with our friends g-mae, adrian & new friend tucker.  i highly recommend the rack of lammy.  the place was cool, but our server was kinda cunty…like rushing us a bit too much.  it’s busy.  so?   anyway, sam had the crab ravioli, which was lovely….there’s also a succulent duck breast on the menu.  i love breasts AND ducks.  damn. 

while the lamb was lovely, it caused us to miss the ENTIRE peter, bjorn & john set.  believe it!  wellsies….not the lamb alone, but maybe primping & preening…and sleeping in too late.  and what’s with key arena not allowing booze INTO the shows?!  you have to chug your drinks real quick-like & haul ass back to your seat?   whatevs.  not a fan.   but our seats on the floor were uh-maze-ing & dépêche totally would have ripped my knickers to shreds, had i been wearing them.   one of the best.  shows.  ever.  ever!  including bowie!  and peej!  and i know we say that all the time, but totally really mean it this time!  here’s a little treat from what you missed:

thank god i was there for you, right?!  yes, yes…the audio & such is bad, but i didn’t post it.  i just relay the festivities. 

fuck, this is getting long…sorry loves.  see?   this is what i get for being afraid of falling into the internets-coma & avoiding the computer at all times while i’m newly unemployed.  i just do my nails & chain-smoke instead.  seems healthier somehow.  but anyway….

so, before heading back to the room directly after the show, we dragged our friends back to the five point café once again.  man, i can’t say enough how much i love that place.  this was the third trip to the five point & first time i saw it with standing room-only….  which normally i would throw a hissy fit & leave…but with this place, was happy.  people SHOULD be coming here.  it SHOULD be packed on a monday night at 11.  …or not.  if i lived in seattle, i’d probably be real cunty towards the assholes that were taking up space in OUR bar.  but, whatever.  i got my omelet & some beer; sam got some fried mac & cheese wedges.  we closed the night with the amazing crystal, and then a night-capping serenade with this homeless, but surprisingly well dressed man named pops.  he said to look him up on youtube…and fucking hell, he was  good…but sadly, i didn’t find him.  sigh!

the end was sad.  real sad, for realsies!  but fortunately, we were lucky enough to have one night with our lovely, cute couple we had met at the redwood, in pdxoxo the next week.  we love & miss you kittens!  the photobooth at east end will never be the same…

….and we are fucking LAME we have like, zero photos of our own.  we seriously packed our camera everywhere, too.  i suppose i should just believe that we were having too much fun to take pictures.  and i think that we were. 

loves.