Tag Archives: Tranny

new rezzies

posted by:  audra

oopsies!  i meant to post my newest resolutions way earlier.  like always, i’m taking the same ones from rezzies past & evaluating them first.  oooh, i can’t wait!  let’s get started…

*lose weight  i lost 10lbs over the year & gained it back.  go me.  that’s what i’m famous for, & i didn’t let myself down.  again.  but! i have been doing jillian michaels since last week & lost 3lbs.,  but then i followed it up with excessive drinking & eating copious amounts of un-named fast food…and STILL lost another half-pound! 

*drink less i have done this.  for realsies!  i can still drink any one of you fuckers under the table, but i’ve curbed my addiction slightly!  or perhaps i’ve just been drinking stronger things…so i can drink less…technically…but really i’m drinking more.  whatever.

*gossip less  yes.  did this, too!  i still gossip like the dickens, but i HAVE been doing it less! 

*buy more lusciously tall shoes  actually, sadly, i’ve been wearing flats & kitten heels more.  not because i don’t want to be teetering around precariously, but because i’ve been retardedly broke!  and walking places!  and the floors in some of my favorite bars are sloped and/or slippery & dangerous! 

*investigate hair bleaching  again, yes!  and i did it right before the year’s end!  it’s NOT impossible to strip years of black from your hair!  step-by-step instructions coming soon!

*buy a good meat cleaver  i’d actually forgotten about this one.  this year for sure.

*have dinner & drinks with the friends we always talk about going out with & never do  done!  at least most of you!  i love you–you know who you are!

*possibly try & get more sleep  since being unemployed has left me with lots of time on my hands, this one too is accomplished!  i slept till 11 today! 

*become bffs with m-k  duh!  just check out the picture above!  it’s proof!  what? 

*learn to play my guitar again  sort of!  AND i’ve accumulated a bass!  and apparently i’m going to be in a band!  with real musicians!  and i have bass lessons lined up! 

*fashion a coke-nail out of my left pinkie  i grew out all of my nails to a  perfect length long enough to snort whatever your heart desired out of, & sam was horrified when i used one of them as a screwdriver.  i cut them after i discovered typing & texting just weren’t the same.

*roast a pheasant  still no.  sigh.

*wear more hats  lame!  i’m getting rid of this one.  although, i’mma find a way to integrate my new, beautiful headdress into my wardrobe this year! 

new ones:

*investigate going eyebrow-less!  or at least grow them out & see what happens now that i don’t have black hair.  i tried it once in the privacy of my own bathroom, & it was very beth ditto…just not sure if i’d venture out like that.  what’s worse though: going out without brows, or going out with brows you draw on with a stencil?!  the mind quails.

*make bffs with a tranny  if you think this is rude & inappropriate, think again my little judgmental scabie!  who else could i put on ludicrous amounts of makeup with, go shoe shopping with, play dress-up with & then have a double-penetration threesome with without a strap-on?!  see…see??   what.  i want one.

*go totally, completely platinum  give me just a little grow-out time, a trim & another bleaching treatment & it will happen.  very soon.  get excited.

*convince my mom NOT to sign up to facebook  shudder. 

*learn all of lady gaga’s dance moves  i think this one speaks for itself.

*get a job  i think this one speaks for itself as well.  it’s SUCH a struggle though!  after a few months of looking, you just start to feel like a doomed loser.  and when no one else has a job either, it kind of makes you feel okay!  so it’s easy to slack-off!  it’s terrible.  i would only wish it upon a few people. 

that’s all, babies!  i think it’s best to keep it a little more on the modest side, don’t you?

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queers, five years & saturday’s mistake: part two

posted by:  audra

…because apparently, the “cash thing” is “an asshole”…at least according to the girl behind the bar.  finally, the “cash thing” spits out a receipt disguised as an error code, which prompts bar girl to call her manager, who is not on site…but maybe we can “wait around until he shows…?”  she then asks sam to write down his debit card number on a piece of paper so that they can “charge it later”.  you can imagine my frustration at this point.  instead of complying with her sketchy request, sam finds an atm & opts to get $20 out.  for 2 drinks, our tab came to $11, which is not unreasonable.  we pay with the 20, & she hands him back $12.  so, not only can she not use a modern p.o.s program properly, she can’t do basic math!  we conclude that this is alright with us considering our experience thus far & take the extra couple of bucks.  shut up!  you would totally do the same thing!  this place was sick!  not dive-bar-sick in the least…just icky.

in desperate need to take a rape-shower but nowhere to take it, we head back upstairs for our table.  lip gloss will have to suffice.  still, more waiting.  at least 20 minutes worth.  all the while listening to a frizzy-haired ‘actress’ from l.a., wearing a stretchy american apparel frump dress with cowboy boots & a denim jacket go on & on about her next role, opposite brittany murphy: do you know who she is you guys, and ohmygod, & how on both sides of my family there is a long history of suicide, isn’tthatweirdyouguys i was like whoa! really?  jesus!

okay.  things are getting better.  we’re now seated.  deep breath.  wait, where’s our server?  are they like, seriously under-staffed?  please tell me that 4 servers called in sick or something?  i realize saturday nights are busy…but they have a good reputation & should be prepared for this type of thing, wouldn’t you think?  it took at least 10 minutes just to order a glass of wine!  but thanks, baby jeebus, for having the elk cove rosé.  that was lovely to start with & was perfect with our cheese plate.  even though i can’t remember the names of any of the cheeses besides gorgonzola, triple crème & white, that was still really very nice of you.  it almost canceled out the time i asked you for a tranny for christmas & you didn’t deliver.  almost.

then something went awry, just when they were looking up.  some dick photographer decides to set up shop right.  next.  to us.   literally like 6 inches away from our table.  god, i was so pissed!  total disregard.  had he whispered a “pardon me you guys but you two are so incredibly delicious & i just want a photograph of you to masturbate to later, and this will just take a second…sorry for the disruption.” i would have been cool with it.  it was fine at first, but he just stayed there snapping pictures in my face for like 10 minutes, breathing on our four cheeses.  finally he moved & went to bother someone else, only to return moments later…

…to be continued tomorrow, my pets.

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Sam: Candy Says…

Many things make me happy, and one of them just happens to be a photograph of a sick tranny on a death bed. Candy Darling on her Death Bed shot by­­­ ­Peter Hujar in 1974 is stunning.  At first I thought this photograph was just a brilliant shot.  Little did I know she really was on her death bed, filled with cancer that was consuming her body faster than a fat kid tearing through a bag of Doritos.  I love the idea of finding beauty in the macabre.  Who knew being sick could be so glamorous?

candy_darling_on_her_deathbed

In a desperate attempt to ditch the body she was born into, Candy Darling began injecting unsanctioned hormones and as a result she developed leukemia. After a bout with pneumonia, she took off for the big disco ball in the sky on March 21st, 1974 at the age of 29.  She is still very much alive in my household.  We see her often.  Sometimes on TV.  Sometimes in the record collection.  The photo above serves as the cover art for Antony & the Johnsons haunting record I Am a Bird Now.  We even almost named one of the tree frogs that invaded our patio over the summer after her.  The honors ended up going to fellow Factory girl, Edie Sedgwick.  She is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.  Iggy Pop and Kate Pierson said it best, “Candy, Candy, Candy I can’t let you go”.

In a letter intended for Andy Warhol written from her death bed, Candy said, “Unfortunately before my death I had no desire left for life . . . I am just so bored by everything. You might say bored to death. Did you know I couldn’t last. I always knew it. I wish I could meet you all again.”

Bored to death.  So, she taught us all that getting sick can be glamorous… and apparently funny too.  Bravo, Ms. Darling!

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