Category Archives: film


posted by:  audra

…by the by, in case you’re wondering what i’m thinking about right this very second–i am totally tinkling my knickers in anticipation of seeing the new lars von trier:  charlotte gainsbourg, willem dafoe & a seemingly interesting plot peppered with super-fucked up imagery: 

you’ll be the first to know when i’ve viewed it!  apparently, “the film has come under attack for what some critics view as misogyny, as well as for featuring explicit sexual violence.”  yes.  sounds delicious, don’t you think?

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the horrors

posted by:  audra

what, in god’s name, does it take to make a good horror film these days?!  i don’t get it.  every single one of them is bad.  sometimes they start out okay, and then inevitably, something really fucking retarded happens at the end to ruin the whole thing for you.   this year cuntington octhorror fest was a bit of a disappointment.  some good, some bad….we mostly just ran out of time for more of the good ones.  which is fine; lots of entertaining & such…but still, i miss my saturday evenings in frump-wear, watching hours & hours of bone-sawing, eye-gouging deliciousness.  here are a few highlights of le cuntington octhorrorfest 2009:

first let’s take the much-hyped paranormal activity.  after seeing the trailer online, and then going through all the effort to ‘demand it’ in our beloved pdx, i thought it was going to be thee best movie about a haunting ever made.  sam & i went with a couple of friends last week, and i was nearly clawing the spanx right off my thighs–i was that  excited for it.   in case you missed trailer, here it is:

right?!   it looks good!  blair witch mockumentary style with a cast of nobodies & a disembodied presence lifting the sheets!  yes!  no.  “scary as hell.” &  “the scariest movie of the year.” ?!  really…?  there’s too much talking at the beginning; lots of annoying banter, which some reviewers found “funny”.  the girl–katie–gets old real  quick.  she claims she’s been followed by a ghost or something her whole life, and the activity in their house has picked up.  so, katie & her boyfriend micah begin to document all of this, hoping to catch something on camera.  my favorite parts were the night-time playbacks of their bedroom during sleep…but mostly you’re just left waiting for something to happen.  i won’t ruin it for you, but the ending is terrible.  everyone amongst us in the theater was literally laughing out loud(!).  there were no ending credits, & the lights never came on…so we all just sat there waiting.  one person asked, “is that it?”  another replied, “god, i hope so.”  let that be a warning to you.

the haunting in connecticut. 

did you see the docudrama this is based on?  it’s done by the discovery channel, those little reenacted tales of hauntings, appropriately called a haunting.  (which by the by, have moved to tuesdays at 11am now!)  anyway, so we saw the documentary-thing this film was based on–a haunting in connecticut–and liked it.  really liked it.  it’s about a boy whose name escapes me a the moment–paul i think?–who has cancer.  the mother spends hours & hours every day bringing him back & forth from their home to the hospital, and opts to rent a house that’s closer to the hospital, to make it easier on her son.  eventually the whole family moves in, and they all experience paranormal goings-on in the house; a former funeral home.  the movie, however, makes it appear that it’s only paul who is experiencing these things & chalks it up to his cancer treatment & medication…like he’s hallucinating.  they stray so far away from the original story, that i found it ridiculous.  lots of special effects in poor-taste, too, which is never okay.  it started out good, it could’ve ended well, and they ruined it.  based on true events!

the changeling.

this one’s a real gem.  it’s scary, has a sordid plot and george c. scott.  a 1980 film about a man who moves into a gigantic abandoned mansion after seeing his entire family bite the dust.  he soon discovers that he is not alone in the house & that he’s being contacted by the spirit of a young girl.  drama ensues! 

the strangers.

okay…this isn’t new to us, but sam & i rewatch it every time it’s on–and it’s always scary.  there is nothing more frightening to me than the thought of home invasion.  this is one of my all-time favorite films about just that:  liv tyler (i know, i know…) and her boyfriend are staying at his family’s cabin in the woods.  they come back to the cabin after a little soiree at like, 4am, have a huge fight, and then hear a knock at the door.  “is tamara there?”  sweet jesus, if anyone comes to your door and asks for tamara, shoot them in the head & get the fuck out of there!  anyways…so, from then on, liv & her boyfriend are tormented from the outside by a group of people wreaking havoc on their nerves.  sounds dumb, but it’s awesome all the way through, and truly nail-bitingly intense.  but! as we learned before, writers & directors are the experts of fucking up endings:  this one ends retardedly as well…but it’s still worth seeing.  inspired by true events!

the mist.

i refuse to even post the trailer; sweet god almighty…how i made it through this entire film, i will never know.  it was cold out?  we made grilled cheeses?  it was a sunday afternoon & nothing else was on?  whatever–there’s still no excuse.  possibly the WORST MOVIE EVER.   a bunch of mismatched hillbillies get locked in a supermarket while the earth is being taken over by gigantic, genetically fucked insects developed by the military.  the guy from hung stars, as well as marcia gay hardenup for film roles.  hung takes a risky move near the end & it almost  made the movie worth my time…but that’s 2 hours of my life i will never, ever get back. 

the cottage.

it’s british!  british-horror, which means it’s kinda funny!  in a good way!  the short version:  2 brothers kidnap a blonde slut, who who’s daddy’s a stripclub kingpen, or something.  the two don’t really know what they’re doing, and cute little british hijinks unfold.  a kind of leatherface shows up at some little cottage up the way–the very same cottage a couple of characters try to find refuge in–and MORE hijinks unfold & shovels fly!  blood, decapitation & cleverly delivered humor.   sounds dumb, but it’s totally kinda really good. 

the moral is this:  don’t let bad horror films ruin your halloween next year!  stick to the good ones:  the shining, wolf creek, poltergeist, the amityville horror, texas chainsaw massacre, friday the 13th & halloween.  the ORIGINALS, you guys!  don’t fall for the remade crap.   and if you want b-movies– cheerleader camp, sleepaway camp & sorority house massacre!  you will love them.  i love you & you’re very welcome.  you can buy me a drink or something later…our little secret.

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queers, five years & saturday’s mistake: the conclusion

posted by:  audra

i was so starving & pissed at this point, & had consumed enough wine that i snapped.  mid-shot, i interrupted his photo-taking & hissed, “excuse me, are you going to be doing that all night?” i did!  i totally hissed!  he then of course apologized profusely & noted that he was taking blurry shots for the website & that i would definitely not be in any other shots.  whatever!  you’re still annoying the fuck out of me!  but he did move, & i didn’t see him for the rest of the night.  good work, audra.  good work.

entrees finally arrive & my thighs start sweating:   i ordered the grilled leg of lamb with green herb yogurt, chick pea fritters & a salad of orange & fennel…sam got the grilled sirloin with shallot butter, roof greens & fries.  we weren’t very impressed about the fries part…couldn’t they come up with something a bit more swank?  at least serve them in a cute little cup like this place does?  whatever!  everything was fairly good; except that sam’s meat was a little overdone.  actually, a lot overdone.   and if sam thinks it’s overdone, it’s way overdone.  my lamb was a little on the cool side, too.  it seems to me that they were leaving entrees out to rest too long before serving them.  again with the under-staffing issue!  anyway, the wine we chose to have with dinner was perfect…and oopsies, i have no idea what it was!  i wasn’t all that impressed with the wine-list either.  this being a wine place, you’d think i would be…but 6 years working in the wine industry, i’m hard to please when it comes to wine lists.  maybe it was just the by-the-glass list i wasn’t impressed with.  hmm.  whatevs.  i’m probably just being a bitch.

we did dessert & paid our check quickly…as oddly enough a really weird guy that we sort of know was seated less than a foot away from me, with his date.  she was really pretty & i have no idea what the fuck she was doing with him.  clearly she’s an idiot!  he spent the whole time texting while she sat & stared at her drink.  we don’t know this guy well, only through a friend of ours, and have only been around him twice.  but he’s a real loser & thinks he’s some big fucking treat.   i’ve witnessed him giving pcp to a friend when said friend thought it was just a regular joint.  anyway!   i can’t stand him.  he’s bad news.  luckily, we hadn’t seen him in a few years so he didn’t recognize us before we split.  so! close!

walking back to the car, i stumbled a few times.  i did.  what the fuck!?  i had four glasses of wine total, over the course of maybe 3 hours.  that’s nothing to me!  that’s just warming up!  whatever… i shrugged it off & got into the passenger seat.

not 3 blocks down the street & i have to ask sam to pull over.  i know i’m not going to be sick or anything gross like that, but i just could not be in the car.  super dizzy, you guys!  seriously!  do i need to remind you i only had 4 glasses of wine?!  so he drops me off in this parking lot, & i literally stumble over to the curb.  i can’t believe i didn’t fall down or scuff my shoes or something!  i was totally fucked up!  whoopsies!

i sat for a couple minutes, looking at my shoes, hoping i wouldn’t be sick on them, wondering why in the world i was so drunk & finally teetered my way back to the car.  it was so horrible!  i don’t think i’ve staggered so much, even in my drunkest drunkenness ever!  once i did make it back into the car, i was totally fine.  my drunkenness seemed to disperse as quickly as it had come on.  weird, right?!  i blame it on the one glass i had at le bar de skeeze earlier!  what else could it have possibly been?!   i just don’t know…but something fucked me up beyond recognition, as i went to bed at 11:00 that night.  eleven o’clock!  not my usual 4am antics, no!  eleven o’clock.  believe it.

i can say that there is something good that came out of my going to bed totally yet accidentally wasted at 11 on a saturday night:  i got up before noon sunday morning.  this never, ever happens & i’m kinda proud of myself!  this allowed us to watch all three of our netflix films in one day!  before dark!  this week’s was a fag themed one:  three of hearts, divine trash & the boys in the band.

three of hearts was kinda…meh.  i was real excited for it; documentary – one gay couple married to a woman, so they have this hot threesome thing going on, even though none of the three are really all that hot.  anyway, the woman gets pregnant at the beginning of the doc & they pretty much ruin it with that.  it’s mostly baby stuff from there on out, so i lost interest.

divine trash.  john waters documentary.   enough said!  get it!  i’m hoping to do some geneology maybe sometime real soon &  find out that john is my uncle.  wouldn’t that be rad?!

the boys in the band is fucking uh-mazing!  i’m super-embarrassed that we hadn’t seen it yet!  it’s super-intense & done in what feels like real time…like you’re there hanging out with them without any missing blocks of time, you know?  it’s like queer as folk & who’s afraid of virginia woolf? had a baby & it’s brilliant.  love, love, love.   in fact, as soon as it was over, i had to pop in virginia woolf because boys had put me in such a tizzy for it.  get the boys in the band right this very second, it will totally change your life!

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worst day ever…?!

posted by:  audra

i’m pretty sure it is.  not that anything really bad has happened.  yet.  except that i raked the shit out of my patent leather heel on a curb today.  i’m still feeling out of sorts, nothing is pleasing me at the moment, & i have a headache.  i was also blessed with my period this week, to compliment my sickness.  awesome.  i have a sick little period story to share as well, but i’ll spare you that for now.  hint:  sticky thighs (in a bad way!).

sigh…it’s actually not that bad.  i look awful though, really awful!  apparently not wearing makeup for 2 days will make me breakout.  that was news to me, too, kids!  or maybe it was just from wearing my eye-shade for 48 hours straight.  don’t fret — i washed that night-cream caked shit last night.

something else weird has happened to me this week…aside from the no-drinking/smoking thing:  i still haven’t been eating.  believe it.  last night the only thing that sounded halfway decent for dinner was some mac & cheese.  not only did i not finish it, i barely had half of it.  and that was a struggle.  and then for my morning breaks, i always have 2 low-fat babybel  cheeses.  today was like pulling teeth just trying to get one down!  maybe it’s because i can’t taste anything?  what would happen if i tried a hot dog?  would that turn on me too?  oh god…

but that’s not such a bad thing!  if i can keep this up, & perhaps do a little pilates here & there, too…i’m well on my way to getting the debbie-harry-circa-1976 body i’ve been dreaming of.  we’ll see…

in other news, over the weekend — i believe sunday evening — we finally watched the go-getter.  with my delicious boy-treat lou pucci.  it was….alright.  it was mostly boring, actually.  the soundtrack was cool though; lots of m. ward, elliott smith, black keys, animal collective…  m. ward did the soundtrack, so naturally he would shove himself in there as often as he could .  in a good way, though.  the cinematography was amazing…but it seemed to me they spent more time on that than the actual content.  not a film i would recommend.  unless you like that sort of thing.

speaking of which!  have you all seen nick & norah’s infinite playlist yet?  oh god.  i was so excited for it…not so excited i went to the theater, but excited nonetheless.  well, we watched it this weekend as well.  retarded!  i really found it profoundly dumb & irritating.  where was the infinite playlist?  i thought maybe they would make each other mixtapes & drive around all night listening to them?  no.  the boy makes a few compilations for his ex-girlfriend at the beginning of the film & she throws them away in the trash bin.  grubby little norah thinks he’s the best mix-maker ever, so she digs them out & listens to them.  there’s a really horrific part in the film that i just couldn’t handle:  norah’s dumb drunk friend is a gum-chewer.  she’s super drunk — in the train station i think — throws up in a bathroom stall & out goes her gum.  and her phone.  she drops her gum & phone in the vomited-in-toilet.  of course she goes in after both!  indeed her phone still works (?!) and declares the gum still chewable.  fucking sick!  that’s not funny.  nor necessary to the plot.  and this movie just reinforced my belief that michael cera is repulsive & kat dennings is gross & stupid.

and there you have it.  i’m just feeling sorry for myself today.  now i feel better!  thank you for listening!  i love you.

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Dakota Fanning: the new Cherie Currie?

posted by:  Sam

Rumor has it little Dakota Fanning is in talks to play Cherie Currie in an up-coming biopic about The Runaways.  My first thought was, really?  Then I saw some recent pictures of Fanning and thought, hmm… maybe.  She’s fifteen-ish now, right?  That’s the same age as Currie was when she made her debut in the band around 1975.

But can she pull it off?

We shall see.  But, to be completely honest, I am way more concerned with who they plan to cast as my beloved Lita Ford.  Choose wisely, my friends.  Choose wisely.

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it’s only a movie…

posted by:  audra

something terrible has just happened!  i was just milling about, minding my own business with the telly on in the background…when i heard the tail end of a movie trailer:  the last house on the left has been remade!  oh, the horror, the horror

what the fuck!?  really?  how come i’m just now hearing about this?!  i’m a horror film aficionado, & this is news to me.  it hurts a little.  i’m bruised, even!  the new version of the last house on the left comes out march 13th, which is really soon.  really soon.  anyway…a lot of people probably haven’t seen this film…the original, i mean.  well, what are you waiting for…?  go get it, like, now, before you see the remake & it’s lost its sparkle!  you know why?  because it’s fucking rad!  one of the most perfect horror films i’ve ever seen & really bloody…well, daring…for lack of a better term.  there’s lots of rape & graphic violence, & i highly doubt this new one is going to be able to hold a candle to the original.

…and!  wes craven’s first film ever!  done on a shoestring budget, wes & his small crew managed to put together one of the better psychological slasher films of all time. ..with actors who had little to no real acting experience.  and that is the stuff of dreams, kids!  i live for it.  you should, too!

oh, so many things wrong with this.  i’m so upset right now!  let’s look at a few things together.  maybe i’ll feel better…

  • directed by dennis iliadas.  okay, who?  i realize all directors have to start somewhere, but i’m a direction snob & this is the last house on the left, for christ’s sake.
  • the cast is a bunch of nobodies (tony goldwyn aka carl bruner from ghost is the biggest star!).  this kinda makes me giddy with anticipation, because i could totally see like, jessica alba, or someone stupid really fucking this up.  bad.
  • march 13th release.  really?  i’m all about stretching horror films throughout the year, really, but personally i think it needs a summer or fall release.  but wait!  it’s friday march 13th.  okay.  that’s okay then.
  • wes craven produced it.  this makes me happy.
  • trailer looks weak…lots of forced over-acting with stupid girls.  all the actors come off as dead-behind-the-eyes to me.  in a bad way.  nothing looks genuinely scary, like sadie & krug in the original do.

here is the 1972 trailer.  don’t let the slightly dull & clean 70’s trailer trick you into thinking this is something horribly lame!  like i said — rape, lots of well acted violence, & tits…it was initially rated x by the mpaa.  it’s disturbing, & it will fuck you up…i promise!

and here we have the 2009 trailer.  i watched it a second time just now & decided that if i didn’t know it was a remake of one of my favorite horror films ever, i’d probably want to see it…but not in the theater.

so troublesome.  i just don’t know what to think!   i’ll probably end up loving it.  sigh…

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but the movie kept moving as planned…

posted by: audra

maybe not quite a nightmare, but the new-ish steven sebring film dream of life documenting ten years of patti smith’s life isn’t such a dream.  i had such, such excruciatingly high hopes for this little gem.  i love me some patti, & even after reading some not-so-great reviews i still wanted to believe this would become my new favorite film.  it was showing at cinema 21 for like, a day, & i totally dropped the ball & missed it.  sigh.  the days leading up to the film’s release, i replayed the trailer over & over; goosebumps every time:

doesn’t that look so amazing?!  even after watching the film, the trailer still makes me all giddy & squealy.

…but, the film itself is just sort of a mishmash of really beautiful cinematography set to patti yammering in her native poetic tongue.  i read someplace — i think in entertainment weekly? — that instead of an intimate biopic about patti & getting to know her, you leave the film knowing less about her than you did before.  that’s so true; she comes off completely nuts, which is okay, but i wanted something a little bit more personal, & less babelogue.  maybe that’s how she really is, all the time though…?  is that what she’s going for; the mysterious ‘i’m-way-more-evolved-than-you’ vibe?  whatever.   i had the uh-mazing experience of meeting patti in the summer of 2007, her wonky eye & all.  bless her.  wandering around looking like a homeless woman.  i must’ve startled her with all my lip gloss when i spat out that she was my idol; she looked me up & down, but of course greeted me politely.  i’ve never been so self-concious of wearing black lace with heels in all my life.

anyway.  sebring’s work in dream of life is gorgeous.  every scene is like a photograph…it somewhat reminded me of anton corbijn.  it’s just the material that’s lacking, like a boring reality show that they neglected to edit the bad parts out of.   however, the one thing i did learn, is that patti lives in detroit.  really.  either i know too much about her already, or it’s really this uninformative.  spending ten years on a film, you’d think it would give away something really painfully revealing.  oh well.  perhaps her inner most secrets that make her so fucking cool are best kept so.   i still want to devour each & every bit of her.  it doesn’t get any cooler than patti.  ever.  it just doesn’t.

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