Tag Archives: fags

new rezzies

posted by:  audra

oopsies!  i meant to post my newest resolutions way earlier.  like always, i’m taking the same ones from rezzies past & evaluating them first.  oooh, i can’t wait!  let’s get started…

*lose weight  i lost 10lbs over the year & gained it back.  go me.  that’s what i’m famous for, & i didn’t let myself down.  again.  but! i have been doing jillian michaels since last week & lost 3lbs.,  but then i followed it up with excessive drinking & eating copious amounts of un-named fast food…and STILL lost another half-pound! 

*drink less i have done this.  for realsies!  i can still drink any one of you fuckers under the table, but i’ve curbed my addiction slightly!  or perhaps i’ve just been drinking stronger things…so i can drink less…technically…but really i’m drinking more.  whatever.

*gossip less  yes.  did this, too!  i still gossip like the dickens, but i HAVE been doing it less! 

*buy more lusciously tall shoes  actually, sadly, i’ve been wearing flats & kitten heels more.  not because i don’t want to be teetering around precariously, but because i’ve been retardedly broke!  and walking places!  and the floors in some of my favorite bars are sloped and/or slippery & dangerous! 

*investigate hair bleaching  again, yes!  and i did it right before the year’s end!  it’s NOT impossible to strip years of black from your hair!  step-by-step instructions coming soon!

*buy a good meat cleaver  i’d actually forgotten about this one.  this year for sure.

*have dinner & drinks with the friends we always talk about going out with & never do  done!  at least most of you!  i love you–you know who you are!

*possibly try & get more sleep  since being unemployed has left me with lots of time on my hands, this one too is accomplished!  i slept till 11 today! 

*become bffs with m-k  duh!  just check out the picture above!  it’s proof!  what? 

*learn to play my guitar again  sort of!  AND i’ve accumulated a bass!  and apparently i’m going to be in a band!  with real musicians!  and i have bass lessons lined up! 

*fashion a coke-nail out of my left pinkie  i grew out all of my nails to a  perfect length long enough to snort whatever your heart desired out of, & sam was horrified when i used one of them as a screwdriver.  i cut them after i discovered typing & texting just weren’t the same.

*roast a pheasant  still no.  sigh.

*wear more hats  lame!  i’m getting rid of this one.  although, i’mma find a way to integrate my new, beautiful headdress into my wardrobe this year! 

new ones:

*investigate going eyebrow-less!  or at least grow them out & see what happens now that i don’t have black hair.  i tried it once in the privacy of my own bathroom, & it was very beth ditto…just not sure if i’d venture out like that.  what’s worse though: going out without brows, or going out with brows you draw on with a stencil?!  the mind quails.

*make bffs with a tranny  if you think this is rude & inappropriate, think again my little judgmental scabie!  who else could i put on ludicrous amounts of makeup with, go shoe shopping with, play dress-up with & then have a double-penetration threesome with without a strap-on?!  see…see??   what.  i want one.

*go totally, completely platinum  give me just a little grow-out time, a trim & another bleaching treatment & it will happen.  very soon.  get excited.

*convince my mom NOT to sign up to facebook  shudder. 

*learn all of lady gaga’s dance moves  i think this one speaks for itself.

*get a job  i think this one speaks for itself as well.  it’s SUCH a struggle though!  after a few months of looking, you just start to feel like a doomed loser.  and when no one else has a job either, it kind of makes you feel okay!  so it’s easy to slack-off!  it’s terrible.  i would only wish it upon a few people. 

that’s all, babies!  i think it’s best to keep it a little more on the modest side, don’t you?

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bad faux-mance

posted by:  audra

uh oh, babies…i discovered today that i’ve committed a majorly terrible fashion faux-pas.  and before you go snickering about my white socks with hot pink sequined flats, cuffed jeans & furry coat…THAT was in the privacy of my own backyard and was NOT meant to be seen by my hot neighbors.  who are they to be looking through our transparent fence, anyway?  none of your fucking business, pervs!  ANYWAY, so today i finally heard the new lady gaga on le radio titled ‘bad romance’.  i nearly shat glitter & champagne corks.  isn’t it the bestest?!  she’s my new obsession.  i hated the gaga before, and have finally decided that she’s kind of amazing.  anyways…so of course i immediately checked youtube for the video–i’m quite taken with hers–and you know what i got?  wait for it…. 

…she DEBUTED bad romance  at the alexander mcqueen spring 2010 ready to wear show!!!  what the fuck?!  seriously?!  i  blogged this AGES ago, and who’s the retard that didn’t actually watch the show, but took the easy route & just looked at the pictures?!  god.  whatever.  here it is, and it’s quite amazing:

did you look at those fucking shoes?!  uh-mazing.  and speaking of arranging music for fashion shows….sam & i would be soooo good at it, you have no idea.  can you even imagine betsey johnson fall 2011 ready to wear with le tigre‘s the the empty  on the runway?!  please!  your head would explode!

 anyone steals my bj idea & you’re dead fucking meat. 

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talk of hot dogs, bladder infections & half-assed movie reviews

posted by:  audra

good evening, lovelies.  did everyone have a blow-your-head-off/i-just-ate-16-hot-dogs-awesome father’s day weekend?  i did.  except there were no wieners involved whatsoever.  this time.  at least in the frankfurter sense.  i managed to avoid all processed meats and processed cheeses(!) this weekend in favor of cooking things that are good for me at home.  aaaand, i worked out both saturday and sunday.  which never, ever happens on the weekend…  aaaand, lost 2 pounds.  finally.

my current weight:  158.0.

which is good.  considering the first week — my efforts consisted of 2 days of sweating & eating well, then following that up with 5 days of laze & massive amounts of beer consumption…along with gratuitous snacking.  i’m gross.

anyway, this last friday night we went a’trolloping to whole foods, which always inspires me to eat well.  it’s the one place i actually enjoy grocery shopping.   i picked out some lovely filet mignon & gathered some things for a potato salad…don’t worry!  the cute kind of potato salad!  not the yellow kind with cut up egg, mayo & relish!  this one is some sort of french recipe i had scrawled onto a note card in 2001(!).  i think it’s from saveur magazine…?  and why i didn’t just cut the thing out of the mag, i’ll never know.   anyway, the salad consists of fingerling potatoes (whole foods was out; i used baby reds), lots of tarragon, good kosher salt, cracked pepper & champagne vinegar.  that’s it!  oh, & apparently some mayonnaise…even though i would swear it was olive oil & vinegar based…it had likely been seven years since i’d last made it & i didn’t remember assembling it with mayonnaise like the recipe had suggested…but i followed along & did the mayo anyhow.  it only called for 3-4 teaspoons, but…

next time i’ll leave it out.  i think just some olive oil would be much, much better.

so that was that, & with some of this, and to start we had my favorite, favorite come-in-your-panties-amazing goat milk truffle tremor cheese, a triple creme delice de bourgogne, and a lovely oregon gorgonzola…cleverly or retardedly named oregonzola.  i can’t decide which.  i took some drunken photographs of the half-eaten cheese plate, only to realize later how gross it looked smeared across a pink depression glass plate.  maybe next time i’ll think first.

yeeeeah, sorry about that.  but the little dish of honey?  lover-ly with the delice de bourgogne.  amazing, in fact.

this was the filet mignon & such…i know it looks ghetto!  and sparse!  it does!  but it was awesome.  i swear it.  next time i’ll dress the plate up with flair & glitter…but i was super-tired & starving by this time.  this photo is purely for ‘proof that i made it’ purposes.  we had some sort of cheap $17 pinot from california with it, too.  block 45 or something?  i don’t remember…but it wasn’t terrible!

saturday was completely unproductive.  i had lofty plans of getting up early (9 or 10-ish), getting all of the laundry done, including the sheets, clearing off the patio, cleaning the floors & being showered & dressed-up by 3pm.  but i should know by now that once these sort of inspirational plans are sought, i will fail tremendously at them.

i got up at 1:00.  then realized that we needed haricot verts, basil & some fresh anchovies for the niçoise platter i was to put together later.  i did minimal cleaning, if any, read my book, melted some fat off of my thighs–courtesy of mustang sally–and was barely out of the shower at 5.  which in turn, landed us back at whole foods around 6:30.

i think dinner commenced at 9 or 9:30 that night after a floundered attempt at watching nighthawks (not the one that was made in the 80s with sylvester stallone, you guys!  jesus!), supposed to be “very controversial” & “daring”1970s film about gay men in london.  this one guy’s a middle school teacher, so he’s forced to be closeted, blah blah blah, then goes out to the clubs to fag it up at night…leading a double life.  sound exciting?  it’s not.  it’s totally boring & i would swear there is absolutely no dialog within the first 20 minutes of the film–in a non-dramatic way.

anyway, this niçoise platter…so easy, you guys… so easy!  if you make this for your friends, i promise they will think you are brilliant in the kitchen & love you forever!  you might even get laid.  it’s that pretty.  you just make a french potato salad (not the tarragon one i mentioned before, but one with basil, flat-leaf parsley, scallions & a vinaigrette–dijon mustard, champagne vinegar, olive oil, good kosher salt & cracked pepper.), & assemble the rest:  grilled ahi steaks, arugula, steamed haricot verts, good anchovies, kalamata olives, heirloom tomatoes & a hard-cooked chicken egg.  i took drunken photographs of this too…nothing great, but you get the picture…

sunday was a movie day that totally made up for that nighthawks debacle!  first we watched a french horror/ thriller, set in romania that we’ve been dying to watch called them (ils in french).  get this immediately.  i’m not even kidding.  i even gambled on a bladder infection because i didn’t want to pause it to make a break for the loo!

…and we also watched dear zachary.  a documentary made by a guy named kurt who loves his childhood friend andrew.  andrew gets murdered by his psychotic ex-girlfriend.   kurt goes all over searching for the people who were in andrew’s life, & interviewing them.  drama ensues.  and i’m telling you, i’ve never cried so much during a movie everrrrr. that shit ripped my heart out.  watch it this weekend, you guys!  it’s amazing.

sigh.  okay.  that’s it.  you’re caught up.  goodnight!  i love you!

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queers, five years & saturday’s mistake: the conclusion

posted by:  audra

i was so starving & pissed at this point, & had consumed enough wine that i snapped.  mid-shot, i interrupted his photo-taking & hissed, “excuse me, are you going to be doing that all night?” i did!  i totally hissed!  he then of course apologized profusely & noted that he was taking blurry shots for the website & that i would definitely not be in any other shots.  whatever!  you’re still annoying the fuck out of me!  but he did move, & i didn’t see him for the rest of the night.  good work, audra.  good work.

entrees finally arrive & my thighs start sweating:   i ordered the grilled leg of lamb with green herb yogurt, chick pea fritters & a salad of orange & fennel…sam got the grilled sirloin with shallot butter, roof greens & fries.  we weren’t very impressed about the fries part…couldn’t they come up with something a bit more swank?  at least serve them in a cute little cup like this place does?  whatever!  everything was fairly good; except that sam’s meat was a little overdone.  actually, a lot overdone.   and if sam thinks it’s overdone, it’s way overdone.  my lamb was a little on the cool side, too.  it seems to me that they were leaving entrees out to rest too long before serving them.  again with the under-staffing issue!  anyway, the wine we chose to have with dinner was perfect…and oopsies, i have no idea what it was!  i wasn’t all that impressed with the wine-list either.  this being a wine place, you’d think i would be…but 6 years working in the wine industry, i’m hard to please when it comes to wine lists.  maybe it was just the by-the-glass list i wasn’t impressed with.  hmm.  whatevs.  i’m probably just being a bitch.

we did dessert & paid our check quickly…as oddly enough a really weird guy that we sort of know was seated less than a foot away from me, with his date.  she was really pretty & i have no idea what the fuck she was doing with him.  clearly she’s an idiot!  he spent the whole time texting while she sat & stared at her drink.  we don’t know this guy well, only through a friend of ours, and have only been around him twice.  but he’s a real loser & thinks he’s some big fucking treat.   i’ve witnessed him giving pcp to a friend when said friend thought it was just a regular joint.  anyway!   i can’t stand him.  he’s bad news.  luckily, we hadn’t seen him in a few years so he didn’t recognize us before we split.  so! close!

walking back to the car, i stumbled a few times.  i did.  what the fuck!?  i had four glasses of wine total, over the course of maybe 3 hours.  that’s nothing to me!  that’s just warming up!  whatever… i shrugged it off & got into the passenger seat.

not 3 blocks down the street & i have to ask sam to pull over.  i know i’m not going to be sick or anything gross like that, but i just could not be in the car.  super dizzy, you guys!  seriously!  do i need to remind you i only had 4 glasses of wine?!  so he drops me off in this parking lot, & i literally stumble over to the curb.  i can’t believe i didn’t fall down or scuff my shoes or something!  i was totally fucked up!  whoopsies!

i sat for a couple minutes, looking at my shoes, hoping i wouldn’t be sick on them, wondering why in the world i was so drunk & finally teetered my way back to the car.  it was so horrible!  i don’t think i’ve staggered so much, even in my drunkest drunkenness ever!  once i did make it back into the car, i was totally fine.  my drunkenness seemed to disperse as quickly as it had come on.  weird, right?!  i blame it on the one glass i had at le bar de skeeze earlier!  what else could it have possibly been?!   i just don’t know…but something fucked me up beyond recognition, as i went to bed at 11:00 that night.  eleven o’clock!  not my usual 4am antics, no!  eleven o’clock.  believe it.

i can say that there is something good that came out of my going to bed totally yet accidentally wasted at 11 on a saturday night:  i got up before noon sunday morning.  this never, ever happens & i’m kinda proud of myself!  this allowed us to watch all three of our netflix films in one day!  before dark!  this week’s was a fag themed one:  three of hearts, divine trash & the boys in the band.

three of hearts was kinda…meh.  i was real excited for it; documentary – one gay couple married to a woman, so they have this hot threesome thing going on, even though none of the three are really all that hot.  anyway, the woman gets pregnant at the beginning of the doc & they pretty much ruin it with that.  it’s mostly baby stuff from there on out, so i lost interest.

divine trash.  john waters documentary.   enough said!  get it!  i’m hoping to do some geneology maybe sometime real soon &  find out that john is my uncle.  wouldn’t that be rad?!

the boys in the band is fucking uh-mazing!  i’m super-embarrassed that we hadn’t seen it yet!  it’s super-intense & done in what feels like real time…like you’re there hanging out with them without any missing blocks of time, you know?  it’s like queer as folk & who’s afraid of virginia woolf? had a baby & it’s brilliant.  love, love, love.   in fact, as soon as it was over, i had to pop in virginia woolf because boys had put me in such a tizzy for it.  get the boys in the band right this very second, it will totally change your life!

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queers, five years & saturday’s mistake: part one

posted by:  audra

good evening, my little tartlettes!  i do hope you all had a swell weekend.  and since you’ve been biting your nails down to the quick in anticipation of what we did over our weekend, i’ll tell you — but this will have to be done in segments because gossip girl is on tonight & we all want to see what happens!

friday night was lame.  it was supposed to be part two of this, just for the lush list, & that didn’t happen.  but she hasn’t been blogging lately (shame!) so i don’t think she’ll notice anyway, right?  sigh!  no, friday night was for drinking & i can honestly say i have no recollection of what we even did for dinner that night.  it’s completely gone.  i do however, remember scanning in a whole bunch of pictures from like 9 years ago, uploading them onto facebook & then promptly deleting them out of embarrassment.  i did put that polaroid up for you, though (you’re welcome).  that night was the night of one of the best parties ever, and happened to be my marc jacobs shoe debut.  2003.  yes.  sigh…so young, so young.  and just so you know, i do have totally normal hands…even though my left one in the photograph looks like a paw.  it was just bad posing on my part.  at least i kept my legs together!  holla!

saturday was our five year wedding anniversary.  believe it.  don’t worry though — we’re not gross like that!  we did not do the traditional anniversary gift exchange like most couples do (the five-year one = wood.  smirk!), nor did we exchange stupid cards or anything lame like that.  i did not get pissed when sam came home without flowers in his hand.  no.  we’d planned on purchasing tickets to pj & john parish, which is happening very, very soon-ish & i’m asking baby jesus not to sell out of them before we get around to actually making this purchase because we’re lazy & didn’t really get around to it this weekend.

sigh!  anyway!  sam & i slept in a bit, chain-smoked on the patio & after completing an extensive menu for the evening (anthony bordain’s haricot verts & asparagus, seared filet mignon, & lobster with endive & maybe a pavlova – maybe), we decided to go out.  it was sort of warm outside & i wasn’t thrilled about searing bloody meat over high heat indoors.  i get hot.  you understand.  i also wanted to avoid frolicking off to the store as much as possible…so, we agreed upon this place, since embarrassingly enough, neither of us had ever been.  i wasn’t in the mood for stuffiness & definitely not in the mood for assholes, so this seemed perfect.

if we left the house early enough, one would think there would be no need to make reservations, right?  i mean, who eats dinner at 5:30?  but 5:30 turned into 6:30, which turned to 7:00.  i had a major makeup-meltdown in the bathroom when i was about 10 minutes away from being completely ready & almost cried.  i threw makeup brushes at the closed bathroom door.  i had wicked cramps.   blood was gushing out of my vagina & i was thoroughly convinced i was having a quintuplet miscarriage.  and i was out of advil and super-plus tampons.  fuck!  normally, this would be a complete disaster…but after my little tantrum, i pulled it together & managed to leave the house without any real drama.

we arrive at our destination, & it’s.  totally.  packed.  with a wait-list at least 7 parties deep.  jesus christ…really!  it’s after 7pm on a saturday & mama needs a drank.  my general impression of the crowd-corralling wasn’t good.  the owner checked us in & acted like a college student hostess in her first week on the job.  no one really knew what was going on & it was tough to even get a time estimate out of her for which to rest upon.  a youngish boy then checked on us & said it will be 30-40 minutes, so we settled on going someplace else for a drink whilst we wait.

i thought i had been to the worst bar ever, until this place.  i won’t name names, but just know that it’s housed in the space that was formerly the chesterfield.  perhaps it was the three skeezed-out meth heads sitting at the bar, or the really inept barmaid, but the second i stepped in the door, i wanted to leave.  typically i don’t get really creeped out by places, but this one made me feel like something terrible had happened there.  i’m guessing a tall, hairy man with a prosthetic arm ripped off his plastic limb to rape a young, stringy, blonde thing with before he bludgeoned her to death with it.   in the bathroom, probably.  again, just guessing…but i’m usually pretty good at this stuff.  anyway!  moving on…

as soon as we order our drinks, i know it’s trouble.  first i asked for a wine list, as i see the other patrons have wine in front of them.   bartender looks confused.  “uhmm…..” she picks up a menu.  scans it.  turns it over.  more reading, squinting…  “oh!  it says to check the chalkboard.” hmm.  really?  wouldn’t you know that already if you’d been employed here for…i don’t know, an hour?!  i walked to the other end of the bar where the chalk board resides — nowhere near the entrance or where you would normally order  — and i asked for a glass of pinot noir, which turned out to be opened for too long.  i should have had her open another bottle, but i didn’t have the patience for that either.  i really just should have gotten a safe beer like sam did!  sigh!  so, we settle our tab & it takes foreverrrrr

oh my god!  what happens next?!  come back tomorrow for part two, my buttery little lamb chops!  until then, kisses on your sticky bits.

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