Tag Archives: dear audra

miss steaks & other valuable nuggets of knowledge

posted by:  audra

*batteries left in expensive, rarely used vibrators will start oozing toxic acids or whatever into your tool.  be sure to remove the batteries if you plan on stowing your naughty things away for awhile, otherwise you’ll have to toss the entire thing!   you done fucked yourself!

*if you find two used copies of the same hardcover patricia wells cookbook in perfect condition, buy them both!  give one to your mum!

*missing an epi of it’s always sunny in philadephia  is for retards.  what else are you going to talk about at happy hour with your friends?!  don’t you want to impress people with your knowledge of ‘flipadelphia’?!

*parmesan pastry pups at trader joe’s are a delicious, “upscale” alternative to just plain old le pigs in a blanket.  but buyer beware:  they will smell up your house somethin’ awful, & probably give you terrible heartburn, as well as make you burp lit’l smokies burps all night, which is NOT savory.  DO NOT ENTERTAIN WITH THEM!  plan on going home alone on nights like this. 
 
*read her last death  by susanna sonnenberg!  just fucking do it already!  trust me!  it’s amazing!  vogue told me to do it, and i did & i’m better for it!  go!  my review is coming soon…i hope.  we’ll see.  that seems a little too ambitious to me.
  
*when you find out you’re within the top-applicants of some crazy-awesome rad job you want, don’t get too fucking excited!  calm yourself!  don’t spend your future paychecks already!  don’t picture how you’ll tell your loved ones how amazing you are that you now have a really important job!  you’re not that great!  and then  when you find out that you were in the top fucking TWO out of 325 applicants & don’t get that crazy-awesome rad job, you’ll thank me! 
 
*so, when you’re a granola-y little waif wearing flannel & skinny jeans attempting to cross the street, look in front of you, not behind you before crossing!  you may see a blinking red hand, signalling you NOT to cross the street just yet!  and a car turning the corner!  jesus christ.  and you know what?  don’t fucking flip me off.  had you been paying attention to something other than your nasty, nappy hippie hair hitting you in the ass, maybe you wouldn’t have almost died.  i already hate bicyclists, don’t make me hate pedestrians too. 
 
*watch fashion docs!  lagerfeld confidential just may change your life.  so may valentino: the last emperor.  i actually teared up in both films at one point or another!  maybe it was the booze, maybe it wasn’t, but they were really  touching! 
 
*admit that the family stone made your list of top 5 favorite holiday films.  diane keaton, rachel mcadams, luke wilson, claire danes, sjp?!  and the dad from poltergeist?!   a deaf gay?!  sign language?!   a sad but heart-warming ending?!  please.
 

*defriend the assholes on facebook who chastise you for having an opinion!  they’re obviously not your friends anyways!   since when is it news that i don’t want to be around children!?  just because you have them doesn’t make you smarter, holier than thou or special in ANY way!  stop making me feel like a heathen with no purpose for not bearing 8 children!  motherhood does not define a woman!   just because i don’t like them or want them doesn’t make me a bad person!  we could have still been friends, but you ruined it!  don’t judge me because i don’t want stretchmarks & because i don’t want to spend life in prison for killing the children i didn’t want in the first place!   somewhere someone is living with agonizing guilt for convincing their friend diane downs that she would not be socially acceptable unless she had children.  i’m saving us both a step.  really.

*there…i feel better now.  i mean, have kids if you really want to–that’s fine!  just teach them well, clean them & for god’s sake, make them use their “inside voices” in public spaces…there is no excuse for a child running willy-nilly screaming bloody murder in a fucking book store or whole foods.   oh, and can you teach them to not be little shits?  is that too much to ask?  some of my best friends are mothers of amazing, well-mannered children, so i know it’s possible!  go!  be a good parent! 

*rubbing alcohol makes an excellent cleaning solution!  just straight–no diluting.  pour it in a spray-bottle & it will make your counter-tops, cooktops, stainless steel what-have-yous & even mirrors gleam!  and sanitized!  you probably already smell like a lush anyway, so why not go with it? 

*getting years of black hair dye off your head is really hard fucking work!  it may take 5 or 6 seshes of the one ‘n only colorfix, but there is light at the end of the color spectrum.  be prepared to smell like a bubbling vat of sulfur for days, if not weeks  afterwards–even after shampooing & conditioning like mad.  AND be prepared for the most hideously orange hair of your life!  is it worth it?!  we don’t know yet….

*…speaking of which–after hours of painstaking color-lifting, for god’s sake, if you’re desperate for some deep conditioning after, don’t reach for your tube of color amplifying conditioning balm!  it will darken your locks considerably & you’ll probably be on the verge of tears for doing something so retarded! 

*the real housewives of orange county is kind of amazing. 

i’ll leave you with that.  happy xxx-mas, you dirty little birdies! 
 
 
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dear audra…

posted by:  audra

i was fretting that you were thinking of doing something stupid; so, just in case…

  • shampoos that claim to extend the life of your color-treated hair don’t stop the growth of your hair.  or your ‘ultra-platinum’ roots.
  • worms are disgusting & will ruin your brick patio.  i don’t know of an organic method to kill them, other than slicing them in half…but when i do, i’ll let you know.
  • marley dies at the end of marley & me, regardless of what your friends may tell you.  they are lying, and you’ll sob till your eyes puff up into unrecognizable globs of flesh.
  • beth ditto is the new jesus.
  • if you’re a dirty hippie & work at new seasons, don’t tell the “goth” girl that she’s wearing too much makeup.  it’s bad form & makes you look like even more of an asshole than your retarded hemp necklace-thing.  who asked you anyway?!  the day a drag queen tells me i’m wearing too much makeup will be the only day i start to cut back.  fuck you!  i’m still pissed. 
  • stop wasting your time on friends who don’t treat you with the love & respect you give them!  i can’t stress this enough, & i’m disgusted with myself that i’ve put up with shitty friends yet again.  will they check on you when you’re sick?  no.  will they respond to your embarrassing drunk-texts?  no.  will they call you to apologize because they’re being retarded?  no.  be done with them!  i am. 
  • boy joy is awesome live, but NOT OKAY to listen to recreationally! 
  • tell your friends to fuck off if they tell you that the notebook is a bad movie.  okay, it IS kind of bad…but it’s so good at the same time.
  • echo has an amazing happy hour, decent menu, delicious pumpkin gnocchi…and the music there is like our ipod on shuffle.  heart, heart!
  • vacuum the dark & scary places in your house.  sometimes icky, poisonous spiders reside there & may shock you with their presence at 2:30am.  don’t become a victim!
  • setting your cocktail down on the side of the tub while bathing is gambling with fate!  make sure you keep a stern eye on that shit, and don’t let it slide into the bath & shatter into a zillion pieces.  do you really want bloody footprints on the floor in the morning after your shower?!  think about it! 
  • speaking of broken glass….  for god’s sake, if you have a tommy-tippy vase full of flowers or whatever–and you’re drunk–don’t go anywhere near it! 
  • it’s october & the purr-fect time to be listening to clinic.  any album–but walking with thee  is the bestest for the season.  don’t worry; it’s not a jesus record.  i hope. 
  • shannon wright dyed in the wool   is also delicious this time of year.  turn it up super-loud on a cold, rainy day.  you’re welcome!
  • the hot girl with bangs & black hair across the street…?  her name is betsy.  BETSY!!!  how cute is that?!   but don’t be fooled; she WILL  see you do embarrassing things…like swatting at an insect on your patio chair with a shoe at 2am without makeup & wearing a fleece.  watch yourself at ALL TIMES.  there’s always someone there seeing you being an idiot!  YOU!  you’re the idiot!  be careful!  just sayin…
  • …and kevin federline across the street?  he’s ALWAYS there, watching your back.  respect him.
  • never, EVER “settle down”.  it is LAME & not necessary!  do you think vivienne westwood & betsey johnson are going to “settle down”?!  no!  don’t be lame.  just because you’re of a “certain age” doesn’t mean you have to stop being cool!  if i turn into a mommy who wears juicy couture, drives a suburban & dines at the olive garden…please make me a paraquat cocktail, isabella blow style.

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dear audra…

posted by:  audra

who doesn’t need advice every now & then?!  i haven’t any askings for advice yet, but the psychic sally in me knows you need to know this stuff…and i am wise from experience!  so, here you go; everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask:

  • for god’s sake, if you have a vadge-doctor appointment, but don’t really know if he’s going to have to take a look-see at your naughty bits…DON’T waste your time veeting the morning-of, and then spend two days sweating in skinny jeans moving into a house;  it makes for unsightly results.
  • …and if you do find yourself in this unsavory position, rub some hydrocortisone on your accident twice daily & it should be cleared up in a snap! 
  • do not eat an entire bag of pork rinds in two days by yourself.  it’s gross & will wreak serious havoc on your body.
  • don’t assume that your future, awesome landlords have thoroughly cleaned your new dwelling.  there may be ants, crumbs & long strands of foreign hair in places you’d never suspect.
  • funemployment does have its perks.  but spending all day–maybe 3 in a row without leaving the house–in a place that’s a total disaster, but you can’t do anything will make you go really fucking crazy.
  • when all else fails, drinking is usually a good idea.
  • people generally don’t think you’re a freak if you go out without makeup…even if you’re one of those people that do, indeed, need makeup!
  • and, if you’re reeeeally feeling frisky, try going out in jeans & a tee…maybe even flats!  you will amaze your friends with your courage.
  • if you’re a girl, and work at a reputable & popular local pizza joint, please don’t wear jeans to your workplace so low that it shows where you shaved your short & curlies.  it’s gross.
  • …but at least she shaved!  groom that shit!
  • jillian michaels WILL change your life!  or, at least your body.  it sucks actually doing the work, but you could be hot!  yes, YOU!  or, me…just put down the bottle of vodka, pick up your inhaler & get to work!
  • sleeping until 11am & watching a marathon of ‘a haunting’ on the discovery channel on mondays will not make you feel smarter or more productive. 
  • …but it just may stir up a little something in that could-be-haunted-house of yours. 
  • watch foreign horror films!  they are ALWAYS better than the american ones, you’ll feel cool AND they are really fucking scary! 
  • if you are out of philosophy bubble bath, just dump some baking soda or epsom salts into the tub.  you’ll still be without bubbles, but your skin will be super-soft!  and, i’ve heard that epsom salts help rid your body of excess water retention! 
  • treat your friends as well or better than you treat your family.
  • never accept ugly people as your friends.  afterall, your friends are a direct reflection of yourself!
  • leave a treat for your neighborhood bottle-goblins.  they are the ones who know you’re the alcoholic on the street, and you wouldn’t want that getting around now, would you?!  be nice to them, and they’ll be nice to you.  put your bottles out early, and leave the ones with deposits on top!  wine & gin bottles go on the bottom…it’s that easy!
  • it’s wise not to invite stray, attractive dogs into your yard.  you will only want to keep them after they sit on your feet & lick your hand!  best to just let them tinkle on your grass & off they go.
  • lean cuisine paninis take EXACTLY 2 minutes & 45 seconds in the micro!  do not stray from that recommendation!
  • if there is a painting in your house that suddenly smells odd, move it.  it’s probably pissed that you put it there & just needs a change of scenery.
  • it is NEVER okay to go out looking dumpy!  nevermind what i said about it being okay to be going out without makeup & sporting frump-wear!  it was bullshit & an oversight on my part.  you never know who you will run into, and you should ALWAYS LOOK LIKE YOU’RE GOING SOMEPLACE BETTER LATER!!  i live by this, and it has yet to let me down.
  • whiskey is usually a bad idea!  it will make you act retarded & you’ll have to apologize the next day for being an asshole. 
  • speaking of drinking…  drunk-facebooking, myspacing & ESPECIALLY drunk-texting is ALWAYS BAD!  you know it is, i know it is, and we’ve all done it.  so knock it off!
  • drunk-blogging is okay.
  • you’re more attractive than you think you are!  stop spending hours picking at invisible things on your face, and spend that time shaving your arms instead.  but girls only–boys without arm-hair is creepy!
  • close your closet doors at night, and always, ALWAYS put the fucking lid down on the loo.   and when you leave your home for an extended period of time, place stoppers in all your drains…otherwise all the good chi will go flying out of there while you’re gone!
  • ALWAYS TIP WELL!  i can’t say this enough.  i always tip at LEAST 20 or 25%, even if i get the worst service–which is NEVER–and i believe it’s just good-tipping karma.  do it!  i guarantee you’ll get excellent service in less than a month if you just start tipping better! 
  •  never, ever, EVER wear baby-backpacks.  i fucking hate, hate, hate them….and they just look stupid.

you’ll thank me later, and you’re welcome!

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