jam of the year!

posted by:  audra

i think it’s close enough to december 31st now to reveal my jam of the year!  believe it!  it is the most perfect song of 2009.  it just is.  i’ve listened to it like, a gabillion times & never gotten sick of it.  i listen to it drunk while washing dishes–on repeat.  i listen to it sober while putting on makeup–on repeat.  i go to bed with it in my head & dream about it.  it’s beautiful, sexy, kind of sad, has perfect composition & i really fucking love it.  the video’s quite lovely, too.  and the lead vocalist?  he has that delicious kind of british lispy-thing happening, which is the ONLY time lisps are okay.  just watch his mouth.  i would totally sit on his face, never mind the spit-strings!  where am i right this very second?!  rocking back & forth in the fetal position inside my closet listening to this, shedding just one single tear.  god…  okay, ready?!  here you go.  you’re welcome.

the big pink  velvet

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another 4-letter word…

posted by:  audra

rain.  when i first moved to pdxoxo, i hated the rain.  i mean, hated.  i remember a particular instance–circa spring 2000–heading into safeway with sam, walking across the parking lot.  it was raining.  hard.  i said, “god, i can’t wait for this fucking rain to stop!  will it ever?!”  sam replied, “well, you moved to portland…get used to it.”  at the time, it made me so fucking mad.

then i started working in the service industry, where when it’s sunny outside, it brings people!

i hate people.  i do. 

so, in turn, i began associating sunny, warm days with annoying patrons–their little crumb-snatching crotch maggots in tow.  i would look forward to forecasts urging portlanders to “pack your umbrellas!  batten down the hatches!  it’s gonna get nasty!”   but when i started working a normal office job, i found the rain to irritate me.  it makes traffic worse.  it makes the product in my hair liquefy.  it could run a brow, given the direction of the wind. 

and now it just makes our fucking mudroom wet. 

several weeks ago, our roof started leaking.  i walked into the kitchen one hungover afternoon, to get some water.  i stood at the sink, looking into the mudroom through the window a la roseanne conner, & the ceiling was all water-stained, drips coming from above.  after poking sam a few times to coax him out of bed to go knock on our landlord’s studio door to fetch some help, some plastic was placed on the roof.  temporarily, of course, until a more permanent fix could be brought forth.  on a dry day, the roof was indeed fixed. 

it rained quite a bit over the following weeks & not a drop was dripped.  it was fixed!  amazing!  then last night after a massive downpour, it started leaking again, this time in new places & more enthusiastically.  the landlord came this morning to investigate, & was not happy–with his repair job or the leak in general.  just to be sure, he looked underneath the house (we have a dungeon!  it’s creepy!  like, where one would stash a body, should the need arise!), and checked the bathroom for any suspicious leaks. 

first he wanted to check the shower caulking.  i told him that it “might be gross”, as i hate cleaning the shower.  he pulled open the curtain, and there i saw a wad of my hair balled up on the shower floor.  gross.  i was horrified.  but i let it pass…he didn’t seem disturbed. 

this is when i took the opportunity to tell him about the phantom smell in the bathroom cabinet. 

remember the one?  the one i told you about?  the one that’s like mildewy towels left to rot in the washing machine on a 90 degree day, for like, a week?!  that one! 

he poked around in the cabinet area a bit, pushing aside moisturizers & kitten powders…then said that it was an old house, & that maybe it was something the previous (dirty fucking hippies!) tenants had put in there & that maybe it’d absorbed the smell.  typical.  then he said that it smelled good to him (i now stow incense in there), & not to worry about it.  he got kind of weird at this point, nervous, & said that maybe “baking soder” would get rid of some of the odor, if it was still a problem.

“did i just say baking soder?!

“yes, you did!” i giggle. 

“well, ha…you know, baking soda.

“oh, duh!  of course.  yes, i’ll try that.”

“well, it looks like everything’s okay in here!” 

meeting concluded.

later that evening, after said landlord gets on the roof to put up some more plastic, apologizing for it looking trashy, sam comes home.  we decide to leave the house for awhile.  first, i must use the loo–otherwise i’ll have to pee as soon as we shut the car doors. 

i’m going about business as usual, & glance down at the offending cabinet that was previously inspected by the landlord.  there i see, on the bottom shelf, gleaming like an oracle from baby jesus, my hot pink vibrator with spinning pearls in the shaft.  the ultra 2000 with the golden handle & varying speeds, out on display for all to see.   

oops.

rain will get you nowhere.

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the dress

posted by:  audra

the other…week, i went to see a very dear friend at the vintage store at which she’s employed.  my first plan of action was to see her face; the second was to find something spectacular to wear for my annual day of worship–my birthday. 

right away i found the most perfect piece:  1940s (or whatever) baby-blue sheath dress, beaded all over, in really good condition.  capped sleeves, mid-calf length.  it had some ‘foo’ on it; some discoloration from years of wear, or a champagne toast gone awry.  the hem was a little frayed, but nothing a sharp pair of scissors wouldn’t fix.  the best part?  it was under twenty bucks.  believe it!  i was in love. 

i’m against trying garments on in stores.  i hate it.  i would rather deal with the hassle of returning or exchanging than to go into a tiny fitting room, smelling of moist armpits & vadge sweat, fucking up my hair, only to look into an unflattering mirror intensifying my cellulite under fluorescent lighting.  gross.  who wants to mess with that? 

so, i hold the dress up to my waist.  i’ve learned the fine art of holding things up to me, to see if they fit, without trying them on.  i’ve always been 100% accurate.  did you know that if you hold a dress (or whatever) up to your front, and can fit it halfway around you, then it will fit?   the waist of the blue baby fit perfectly.  i pulled it across my chest.  again, perfect. 

the dress makes it safely back to our home, where i try on my other treasures first.  everything’s good.  i step into the dress, and it hugs my hips in a non-hideous way, making me look thinner somehow.  the top fits as well.  the shoulder parts fall in just the right places. 

fuck.  the zipper won’t go up.

it won’t.  even.  move.

my back is FAT.  my back!  fat! 

i’m spilling over like a heavy-loaded fruit tree.

whatever.  stupid fucking vintage garments & their fucked up proportions! 

filthy tight, the dress is filthy.

but look at these fucking beads!

i went hunting in my closet for something else to wear.  remember that short, flared skirt i used to wear?  the black one?  kind of woolly?  yes, here it is.  i pull it on. 

i can’t get it fucking buttoned.  at ALL.   i don’t even want to think  of attempting to put on my favorite size 6  halter dress from several years ago.

but it’s feeling so damn tight tonight.

so, okay.  look.  i’ve been over this a gabillion times, but for god’s sake!  i truly believe that i will be forever self-sabotaging myself.  when we first moved in september, i took walks.  all the time.  sometimes two, three times a day.  i’d get up early.  i worked out.  jillian michels 30-day shred!  i was so sore the first week, i could barely move.  my weight was the lowest it’s been in 2 years.   my muffin-top was gone. 

then the weather got sort of crappy, & i started sleeping in.  i skipped working out, and sat looking for a job instead.  i drank a LOT of beer.  i may have had some cheese, too. 

is this common, the up-down weighty issues?  i’ve done it for as long as i can remember…and when i was at a weight close to 130lbs seven years ago with a shaved head, i didn’t think i’d ever gain weight again.  but i did, lost it, gained it back, about five times over.  so what if i fancy hot dogs, bacon & a pat of butter every now & then?  if i’ve said it once, i’ve said it seventy-seven times: i’m not an over-eater!  i’m an over-drinker.  maybe my food choices aren’t the best all the time.  and i’m lazy.  do you even know what kind of damage that combination can do to your chins?!

last year my goal was to lose a bunch of weight, get skinny & bleach my hair to look like debbie harry in the 70s.  do you know how many layers of black hair-dye i have on my head?!  too many to ever be that blonde.  perhaps i need something a little more realistic, like fitting into the dress?  or, at least my old, flared black skirt.  gross…is this me making the new years resolutions already?!

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i can’t believe i dyed my hair & shaved my legs for THIS…

posted by:  audra

the most preciously icky thing just happened to me:  a job interview gone totally horrible.  it went something like this…

10:27 am:  i leave the house, perfectly pressed & polished. 

10:45 am:  arrive at destination really early.  my appointment was at 11:15.  the outside of the building is nice, professional, cute…kind of stands out in the skeezy neighb.  

10:46 am:  go inside of said destination.  interior is dismal; one crappy watercolor on the wall, about 5 dingy gray chairs that have seen better days, NO magazines.   TINY room…maybe 6×8 in dimension? 

10:48 am:  greet front desk person mySELF.  she’s trashy & kind of rude.  i sit in one of said gross chairs.

10:48 am:  shortly after sitting, a woman clamors in with her two crumb-snatching crotch-maggots.  one of the chitlins isn’t doing so well.  i thought maybe he was just throwing a little hissy fit, by how the mom was petting his head asking if he was okay.  evidently he wasn’t throwing a hissy–he was going to throw up. 

10:49 am:  the mother keeps badgering the ugly, sick child and finally asks if he’s “going to puke”.   his answer:  “uh huh.” 

10:49 am:  i panic.  i have a fucking interview, you sick fucks!  you know your child has some sort of vomitty ebola virus or whatever, and you STILL take him out in public, you fucking imbecile?!  what is wrong with people?!!  if there’s ONE thing i can’t handle, it’s vomit.  it’s my absolute number one fear–being vomited ON or NEAR.  i don’t want to hear it, see it, smell it or worst of all–feel it.  i’m so freaked out at this point that i’m literally shaking, because this kid’s about to blow.  it was carpeted though, so that would reduce the chances of splatter.  i had a plan to jump up & run to the opposite corner of the room, should this actually take place in this tiny, gross lobby.  no restroom sign in sight, the mother rushes over to the front desk area to ask where the bathroom is.  pointing to a weird, unmarked, white door, the mother grabs the timebomb & takes him into the loo. 

10:50 am:  not 2 seconds later, i hear it.  everything.  every detailed, splashy, liquidy awfulness.  great.  not only is this reeeeally fucking sick, i had to pee.

10:50 am:  i move to the farthest chair away from the door to hell. 

10:53 am:  a dumpy, trashy mouse with a scrunchie comes out of another door.  she thanks two people of mystery & leaves.  immediately following her exit, i’m called into the room.

10:54 am:  i’m greeted by a short, old-ish man with a weird face.  kind of like he’s melting…somewhat like toby on the office, only browner.  not latin brown, just brown.  brown skin, brown hair, brown suit.  cheap.  there’s a woman, too…she seems nice.  conservative, but nice.  mr. brown is totally skeezed out, like total sexual-predator vibe.  gross, gross, gross. 

10:55 am:  “wow….you’re eyebrows are amazing!  that must take you a long time to do everyday!”   strike one, asshole. 

so, we do a bit of small-talk.  it’s awkward.  mr. brown seems drunk.  is he?  is it just pills?  maybe he’s really hungover.  nope, i’m pretty sure he’s intoxicated.  he’s awfully loose.  and he rubs his face an awful lot.  they ask why i’m not with my former-employers any longer, and i explain.  it appears that this is the first time he’s reviewing my resume.  he says, “oh i see you worked at some vineyards!”  well, just the one VINEYARD…but yes.  “wow, you commuted all the way out there?”  yes, of course i did.  the woman is silent.  “what did you do at your last job?”  well, since you’re looking RIGHT AT MY RESUME, i suppose i’ll save you a step & tell you.  “do you have questions for us?”

10:58ish am:  i reply with, “oh, yes i do!  um….so [the woman] told me yesterday on the phone that you’d be hiring for several different positions.  i was under the impression that there was just the one.  i want to be certain–which position am i actually interviewing for?”

yes, i really had to ask that.  this was ridiculous.  “oh, well, you’d definitely be interviewing for the front-office position.”  okay….and? 

i ask what the pay is going to be.  get this…

“that’s a good question.  i see here that you made [undisclosed amount] at your last job.  i can tell you right now that we won’t be able to pay you that much, but it won’t be any less that what we’d pay our administrative assistant.” 

and i didn’t make “that much” at my last job.  seriously.  you’d have thought i was asking them to start me at $65/hr or something.  i have to backup a bit….yesterday when i spoke with this woman to setup the interview, i asked what the wage was.  she was real  sketch about it then, too.  what is with these people?!  i should also add that they’re looking to hire IMMEDIATELY, as in now.  so, wouldn’t you think they’d have the payroll shit figured out??  they wouldn’t even give me a ballpark figure!  isn’t that weird?!  i said that i would possibly take a little bit of a pay-cut, just to have a job.  he says, “well, you’re on unemployment, right?”

“no, i’m not.”

“why not?!  man, i’ve had people just walk right out of the door on me, and straight to the unemployment office!  it’s free money!” 

really??  oh my god.  so i’m sitting in an interview with your company, and you just told me that “people” have repeatedly “walked out the door”?!  sounds like an awesome company to work for. 

i’m of course, horrified, but he asks if i have any other questions.  i had prepared a long list of really articulate questions, so i continued with my next one, “what would you say the typical career path is for someone in this position?”  thinking he’d answer with paralegal, legal assistant, something clerical, whatever…maybe going to law school…right? 

no.  he LAUGHS.  laughs!  shakes his head, rubs his brown face some more.  “wull, i dunno…i mean, you either got the skills & move on, or you don’t!” 

i mean, is this is a totally retarded question to ask an interviewer?!  i think it’s pretty valid, don’t you? 

NEXT!

“what are a few things you feel makes this position interesting & challenging?”

MORE FUCKING GIGGLES!  and face rubbing!  and an, “ohhhh….hmmm…..that’s a good question.  the clients? (laughs again) the people i work with?  yeah…the people who work here definitely keep it interesting.” 

ewwww i totally feel like i need a rape-shower!

this is when i decide not to ask any more questions, especially “how do you keep your employees happy & motivated?”  i don’t even want to know. 

11:07 am:  interview concluded.  i was barely in there for 10 minutes, and all of this ickiness happened. 

rules for potential employers:  when you interview me, be professional!  don’t you fucking dare laugh in my face, and don’t even THINK of commenting on how much time it must take me  to do my eyebrows!  inappropriate!  and don’t tell me that people have walked out on the job!  NOT COOL!  and especially, BE PREPARED & don’t look like a TOTAL FUCKING MORON!! 

i’m over today.  i need a drink.  who’s in?

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antichrist

posted by:  audra

…by the by, in case you’re wondering what i’m thinking about right this very second–i am totally tinkling my knickers in anticipation of seeing the new lars von trier:  charlotte gainsbourg, willem dafoe & a seemingly interesting plot peppered with super-fucked up imagery: 

you’ll be the first to know when i’ve viewed it!  apparently, “the film has come under attack for what some critics view as misogyny, as well as for featuring explicit sexual violence.”  yes.  sounds delicious, don’t you think?

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bad faux-mance

posted by:  audra

uh oh, babies…i discovered today that i’ve committed a majorly terrible fashion faux-pas.  and before you go snickering about my white socks with hot pink sequined flats, cuffed jeans & furry coat…THAT was in the privacy of my own backyard and was NOT meant to be seen by my hot neighbors.  who are they to be looking through our transparent fence, anyway?  none of your fucking business, pervs!  ANYWAY, so today i finally heard the new lady gaga on le radio titled ‘bad romance’.  i nearly shat glitter & champagne corks.  isn’t it the bestest?!  she’s my new obsession.  i hated the gaga before, and have finally decided that she’s kind of amazing.  anyways…so of course i immediately checked youtube for the video–i’m quite taken with hers–and you know what i got?  wait for it…. 

…she DEBUTED bad romance  at the alexander mcqueen spring 2010 ready to wear show!!!  what the fuck?!  seriously?!  i  blogged this AGES ago, and who’s the retard that didn’t actually watch the show, but took the easy route & just looked at the pictures?!  god.  whatever.  here it is, and it’s quite amazing:

did you look at those fucking shoes?!  uh-mazing.  and speaking of arranging music for fashion shows….sam & i would be soooo good at it, you have no idea.  can you even imagine betsey johnson fall 2011 ready to wear with le tigre‘s the the empty  on the runway?!  please!  your head would explode!

 anyone steals my bj idea & you’re dead fucking meat. 

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current obsessions

posted by:  audra

apparently i’m real good at list-making.  it’s easier, maybe?  this one is not bulleted, but i have faith in you.

whatever, martha!  awesomest show EVER.  maybe not ever, but it’s close.  want to know a secret?  i kind of want to be martha stewart.  i do.  doesn’t every girl want to be attractive, make her own laundry detergent from garden soil, cultivate her own hybrid lilies, make halloween-themed pasta (riga-boni!!), AND launder the sheets every day?!  this show starring martha’s jaded daughter alexis and her adorable, sarcastic friend jennifer takes everything martha does & debunks it like the guys on ghost hunters…and it’s hilarious.  i heart it. 

right?!  fine living network, my domestically challenged beauties.  you will love it.  i promise.

black eyed peas meet me halfway.  god, i hate myself.   is this old-ish or new?  i don’t even know…but i do  know that every time i switch the radio to z100, it’s on.  which is embarrassingly often.  i can only take so much fever ray & animal collective, you know?  it’s SO good…but the video is terrible…brace yourselves:

i wonder if the yyy’s know that they totally stole that maps guitar thing?  hmm.  anyways, my absolute favorite, favorite, FAVORITE song of the moment is this:  the raveonettes breaking into cars: 

i think i put it on my myspace awhile ago…and calm yourself–there’s not a video just yet.  it’s fucking so delicious that i would totally die for them.  fucking BRILLIANT.  love, love, looove.  lyrics are simple, but the sound is dark & sexy like 60s film noir.  the whole record…even the more ludicrously titled songs like boys who rape (should all be destroyed).  a good portion of the tracks are about heartbreak & things you can’t have…always delicious.  i’m a total lyric snob, and upon first listen i thought it was rubbish.  but i kept listening, because they’re like my favorite band EVER, and i wanted to like it.  now i love it for real.  i do!  the raveonettes – in & out of control.  buy it now.  it will make you look cool…because they’re so amazing.  believe it!  what?  i need something to balance out the black eyed peas…

my shower.  when sam & i moved into the house in september, the shower water pressure was AWFUL.  it took ten minutes just to rinse all the shower gel out of my naughty bits.  it was really upsetting, considering our old shower would pelt your clit right off if you turned the water on all the way.  then, one random sunday, i turned on the shower and there was suddenly crazy awesome water pressure.  where did this come from?!  did someone switch a pressure switch?  my theory is that my household ghost was concerned for my well-being–i no longer could have precious “intimate” showers with myself.  now i can, once again.  it IS just deep crevice-cleaning with perks, afterall.  anywaysies!  not only does it come with that  now, but i can shower in half the time! 

pouring salt on slugs.  these fuckers are everywhere.  and i thought the spiders were bad!   now that the icky spiders have gone along their way, i’m now finding slugs on our back patio.  in droves.  i’ve killed at lease a dozen of them in the past month.   last weekend, one of our friends actually petted (petted!!)  one, stating that it was a ‘leopard slug’, or something.  unless it’s wearing a leopard fur coat, i don’t want it on my fucking patio. 

neighbor betsey.  i’m pretty sure we’re meant to be besties.  oh my god, betsey my bestie!!  gross.  it’s too perfect.  she lives across the street.  long black hair, long bangs, super-skinny, retardedly hip…god forbid i ever actually meet her and she reads this blog.  i would die.  like, die-die, not like ‘i die’-die.  jesus christ, how horrifying!  i mean, it could happen, right?!  k-fed stood on my FRONT LAWN last weekend for god’s sake!  you just never know what may happen….

 

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