Monthly Archives: March 2009

no need to slit your wrists just yet…

posted by:  audra

how is it that you’ve been able to carry on?!  seriously, we’ve been super-lazy & really uninspired lately…combine that with being busy, & then a whole stream of unfortunate events…well, it just leads to lameness.

but fret no more.

i have news.  sort of. well, at least i have something moderately entertaining to talk about…?

following what could have possibly been one of the more poor quality weeks i’ve had in awhile, i get a speeding ticket on my way into work friday.   my driving record is clean, & was only following the flow of traffic at 70 mph in a 55 zone.  big fucking deal, yeah?  oh, this cop was quite the  ass!  he was short, really, really unattractive, pudgy, & had a real attitude on him.  i believe it was his personal mish to ruin some swell girl’s friday…even though he told me to ‘have a nice day’.

wait–i should’ve prefaced the story a little better:  i was feeling like such a bad person last friday, that i gave money to a homeless lady i see on the freeway ramp all the time.  if she were to clean up a spot, i think she’d make a damn fine dame judy dench stunt double!  anyway, i just needed something to make me feel better…even if it was supporting her meth habit.  so i did something nice, & was expecting karma to reciprocate the generosity, & went about my way.

but that didn’t happen.

fuck you, officer douche bag!  you’re a dick & you successfully ruined my friday.  i hope you’re happy & i hope you went home to find that someone has sewn rotting sardines into all your draperies.  have a nice day.  next!

but wait again–it gets better!  saturday sam & i went out to see some friends we haven’t seen in like, 4 years.  we get drinks, giggle uncontrollably & fun ensues.  i had maybe 4 or 5 ketel martinis.  extra dry, please, & keep it clean…a martini is the only thing i don’t like dirty.  i haven’t had any hard liquor in some time, & had actually stopped drinking it in favor of beer or wine, because i tend to get a wee bit too tipsy.  you see, good vodka tastes like water & i really, really like water.

the 7 of us pile into a cab & we head to a show down the way.  i’m sitting in the very back, so i’m last to get out.  apparently, i’m way excited to get into another bar & get myself a drink, so i step a little hastily out onto the little running board (or whatever).  whoopsies!  i start to fall (but not all the way down this time, thanks baby jesus).  someone catches me (i’m still unclear who, but thank you…justin?!).  i blurt out something like, “oh my god!  i’m totally not that drunk, i swear!  my heel got caug….”

someone (again, not sure who…it’s all a blur from the trauma) says to me that my heel has broken off.  what?

not just any heel.

my favorite-favorite red marc jacobs heels, peep toe, nearly mint condition, never had a scratch or had to get them resoled, deliciously tall towers of shoe perfection.

broken.

even the pad on the heel came off!  of course, instead of just taking off my shoes like any normal person would do, i walked tall & acted like nothing had happened.  i think i pulled it off pretty well…but i did have to hobble just a little bit…and fill every single bar patron in on my ordeal.  strangers even — the bartender, a plastic surgeon, a cute boy named garrett…

it was rough, but i made it through the evening.  i have to say, once we got back to the car, it made it easier to drive not having a heel on my right foot.  i was still upset though.  what’s a girl to do?

vintage shopping!  sunday afternoon sam & i dragged ourselves out of  hangover hideaway & went to my favorite vintage store.  i had a good feeling about this trip, because just friday night i dreamt that i went a’vintaging & found loads & loads of amazing stuff.   well kids, i didn’t find loads of amazing stuff…but what i did find were these things:

  • handbag i wanted in december.  it’s super cute, a bit too small for me, but 1950s flat flip top handbag with a mirror inside.  the reasons i didn’t buy it were that it’s a little beat up, & the mirror is unglued.  they still had it.  i almost bought it.  almost.  i couldn’t deal with the disintegrating leather.
  • blue & black striped jumpsuit, satin, circa 1985.  so rad!  i decided against it though.  really, how many times can you be seen in something like that?
  • black 1960s audrey hepburn-esque sleeveless cocktail dress.  super cute & doesn’t exacerbate my extra cushioning too much.  i actually bought this one.
  • tab hunter on vinyl.  i think this one speaks for itself.
  • super rad vintage ruched clutch, black leather, 1980s.  it’s tiny & awesome & looks like something lorna doom would carry.  i love it & am wringing my hands bloody in anticipation for wearing it out.
  • ready?  okay.  i found the raddest 1960s fetish stilettos.  i tried just one on in the store, & had to have them!  black patent deliciousness.  obscenely tall…they put all my other heels to shame.  i measured.  6″(!).  sixxx inchesss.    that means that when i put them on, it makes me nearly 6’0” tall…except i can’t stand in them.  they are literally so fucking tall that i can’t straighten my knees.  if they had some sort of platform on them, they would totally be more wearable, but they don’t.  so, they either become sitting-shoes or sex-shoes.  i’m cool with either.

here are the shoes…i know you’re dying to see them!  i swear on chanel, they don’t look half as tall in the photograph as they are in person.  trust me.  i know tall shoes & can walk in them better than flats.

jealous yet?  you should be.  sam & i then went out for yet more ketel martinis & beer & wreaked havoc at the porn store.  i needed something to go with my shoes, of course.

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Black Hearted Love

posted by:  Sam

I’m totally loving the lead track, “Black Hearted Love“, off the new PJ Harvey & John Parish record, A Woman A Man Walked By.  A lot.

I’m just not so sure about the video…

Thoughts?

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my new crush!

posted by:  audra

ladies & gentlemen:  pam hogg.

why is it that i’m just now discovering her?!  i was milling about, reading the news, looking at parties & such.  at first i was sucked in due to all the kate moss appearances, but this little pam treat was in at least half of the photographs from london’s fashion week party.  and then something magical happened:  here she is hanging out with kate moss & jamie hince!  my dream threesome couple.  yum.  i just want to get them all roofied up, turn out the lights & roll around in a cloud of cool with them.  take a look:

so glamorous…edgy…dirty…all the good bits.   man…i bet i could play some mean dress-up with pam!  i mean, we look practically identical.  she is a fashion designer from the u.k., as well as a musician…and she’s bffs with siouxsie sioux & alison mosshart.  she’s just that fucking rad.   sigh!  pamcakes is totally going to be my next stalking victim, right after i’m able to kidnap m-k & make her love me.  want to know more?  of course you do!   but i’m too lazy to type it out right now.  just go here & here…and maybe here, too.  enjoy.  you’re welcome.

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couture bag lady meets headgear extravaganza

posted by:  audra

okay, audra, becoolbecoolbecool…

you guys ready to lose your shit?!  never mind the crappy perez hilton-esque art i’ve created, but alex was just screaming for a heart to be drawn around him!  i just saw the new alexander mcqueen fall 2009 runway collection… & there just are no words to describe how amazing this stuff is.  okay, maybe a few.  houndstooth.  houndstooth!!  and lots of it!  blacks!  reds!  big hats!  gothic!  big, fat, wax-like lips!  birds!  feathers!  flocking together!  ridiculous hats!  models without eyebrows!

…and i can’t help but think that the hats he designed are a sweet little nod to my idol, isabella blow.  she discovered alex, you know!

ready, kids?!  brace yourselves…you may need to run & grab a towel right quick…your knickers will experience dampness…in fact, you might just come in your panties:

while you’re all in a fashion-tizzy, get your lube ready & watch this.  it’s like fashion porn!  awesome!  and there’s even mention of edie beale.  shit, i think my head may explode.  isn’t this stuff just so fucking rad you can barely stand it?!  oh…it makes my chest feel like hot cherry pie…& then i think of the smell of brand new plastic beach balls & realize that not every single person on earth is a complete moron.  thank you, alex!  i heart you real hard.

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Crackhead or Leprechaun? You decide.

posted by:  Sam

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day

Cheers!

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i was eye-raped today

posted by:  audra

so, i’m sitting at my desk this morning.   this guy comes in & haves himself a seat.  obese, little round wire glasses, leather jacket, pervy looking…you know the type.  anyway, so i’m trying to do some work & look busy & he keeps talking to me.  it started as small talk — how long have you worked here — that sort of yammering.  then it goes to a gross place.

“it’s really interesting, your look.  do you do that everyday?  is there a name for that?  the cleopatra look?  i really like it.  is that all your real hair?”

at least he didn’t call me goth.  and yes, he asked if i was wearing a wig.

i have bitched & bitched about this sort of thing to no end.  it’s always the same types of guys:  skeezy, sports-watching assholes who fantasize about auto-erotic asphyxiation but are too scared to do it themselves.  guys who go to hooters & slap the waitresses on the ass with their fat little sausage fingers.  they always lead with “i love your look…”  & then it typically is followed by a “so, you’re goth, right?”

it wasn’t in a patronizing manner, but i’m pretty sure he was visualizing me wielding a leather whip & thigh-high boots.  i’m not being conceited, i swear…i could just see it in him.  shudder.  so gross.

“finalized the divorce last year!  had to pay for both attorneys.”

wow.  great.

“yep, i’m single now!  so are you married with 10 kids?  oh really, no kids?  ah, a husband.  what does your husband do?  that’s interesting you’ve never wanted to have kids, a lot of young people these days are making that decision.  golly, you should charge by the hour!  look at me, just talking to you…you could make a lot of money, you have to pay for that makeup somehow!  what’s your favorite food?  you like thai?  i had the best thai tea the other day.  you know what you need in here?  strawberry smoothies!”

seriously you guys, it doesn’t sound that bad, but it was brutal.  i was totally ignoring him, half-answering his stupid questions semi-cordially, yet abruptly, with my side turned to him…nothing stopped him.  i even coughed really grossly & then offered him some water.  and he said yes!

i’m really offended that this bulbous, old, unattractive tool was hitting on me.  what made him think that i would even consider him?!  i would prefer him to take one look at me & think, now that is totally out of my league, & move on…not, let’s turn up the charm & give it a go!

fuck.

i need a rape-shower.

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The Dead Weather

posted by:  Sam

The Dead Weather

Just when I thought today was the shittiest day ever, this new little band rolled in to my life and made all the bullshit from earlier in the day completely disappear.  And gave me something new to obsess over.

Jack White has enlisted the help of Dean Fertita from Queens of the Stone Age, Jack Lawrence from The Raconteurs (I liked him better in The Greenhornes!) and… wait for it… Alison Mosshart from The Kills to form The Dead Weather.

Oh. Dear. God.  I’m all over this.  They plan on releasing their first album, Horehound, in June… and rumor has it they are planning a tour to support it.  I’ll throw a fit if there is no Portland date on the tour, but I will live.  Only because I already have a date planned with my girl, Alison, in May.  Otherwise, it would get ugly.

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worst day ever…?!

posted by:  audra

i’m pretty sure it is.  not that anything really bad has happened.  yet.  except that i raked the shit out of my patent leather heel on a curb today.  i’m still feeling out of sorts, nothing is pleasing me at the moment, & i have a headache.  i was also blessed with my period this week, to compliment my sickness.  awesome.  i have a sick little period story to share as well, but i’ll spare you that for now.  hint:  sticky thighs (in a bad way!).

sigh…it’s actually not that bad.  i look awful though, really awful!  apparently not wearing makeup for 2 days will make me breakout.  that was news to me, too, kids!  or maybe it was just from wearing my eye-shade for 48 hours straight.  don’t fret — i washed that night-cream caked shit last night.

something else weird has happened to me this week…aside from the no-drinking/smoking thing:  i still haven’t been eating.  believe it.  last night the only thing that sounded halfway decent for dinner was some mac & cheese.  not only did i not finish it, i barely had half of it.  and that was a struggle.  and then for my morning breaks, i always have 2 low-fat babybel  cheeses.  today was like pulling teeth just trying to get one down!  maybe it’s because i can’t taste anything?  what would happen if i tried a hot dog?  would that turn on me too?  oh god…

but that’s not such a bad thing!  if i can keep this up, & perhaps do a little pilates here & there, too…i’m well on my way to getting the debbie-harry-circa-1976 body i’ve been dreaming of.  we’ll see…

in other news, over the weekend — i believe sunday evening — we finally watched the go-getter.  with my delicious boy-treat lou pucci.  it was….alright.  it was mostly boring, actually.  the soundtrack was cool though; lots of m. ward, elliott smith, black keys, animal collective…  m. ward did the soundtrack, so naturally he would shove himself in there as often as he could .  in a good way, though.  the cinematography was amazing…but it seemed to me they spent more time on that than the actual content.  not a film i would recommend.  unless you like that sort of thing.

speaking of which!  have you all seen nick & norah’s infinite playlist yet?  oh god.  i was so excited for it…not so excited i went to the theater, but excited nonetheless.  well, we watched it this weekend as well.  retarded!  i really found it profoundly dumb & irritating.  where was the infinite playlist?  i thought maybe they would make each other mixtapes & drive around all night listening to them?  no.  the boy makes a few compilations for his ex-girlfriend at the beginning of the film & she throws them away in the trash bin.  grubby little norah thinks he’s the best mix-maker ever, so she digs them out & listens to them.  there’s a really horrific part in the film that i just couldn’t handle:  norah’s dumb drunk friend is a gum-chewer.  she’s super drunk — in the train station i think — throws up in a bathroom stall & out goes her gum.  and her phone.  she drops her gum & phone in the vomited-in-toilet.  of course she goes in after both!  indeed her phone still works (?!) and declares the gum still chewable.  fucking sick!  that’s not funny.  nor necessary to the plot.  and this movie just reinforced my belief that michael cera is repulsive & kat dennings is gross & stupid.

and there you have it.  i’m just feeling sorry for myself today.  now i feel better!  thank you for listening!  i love you.

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so this is what i’ve been doing…

posted by:  audra

i’ve been so sick, you guys!  as in no drinking, no smoking, no putting on makeup, not even eating sick!  i think it’s just the flu.  i had caught a lite sneeze sunday afternoon…actually it was more of some pressure in my chest, with a little itchiness…like i’d run around the block on a super-cold day.

then monday at work, i started feeling a lot less than sparkling.  after lunch i had a full-blown fever, complete with nonstop goosebumps in an otherwise i’m-always-fucking-sweating environment.  coughing, runny nose…oh god.  when i got home that night, i promptly passed out in my chaise for a few minutes & i knew it was trouble.

i kissed a few people over the weekend, i did.  friday night.  which one of you fuckers gave me this nasty little treat?!  i have barely been able to get off the couch, let alone put a little lippy on.  i haven’t been this sick in 10 years, & i’m not happy about it.

although i have lost 6 lbs. thanks to the no-food/lying around bit.

i’ll be back soon, i promise!  i mean, i have to tell you all about my new crush…

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Dakota Fanning: the new Cherie Currie?

posted by:  Sam

Rumor has it little Dakota Fanning is in talks to play Cherie Currie in an up-coming biopic about The Runaways.  My first thought was, really?  Then I saw some recent pictures of Fanning and thought, hmm… maybe.  She’s fifteen-ish now, right?  That’s the same age as Currie was when she made her debut in the band around 1975.

But can she pull it off?

We shall see.  But, to be completely honest, I am way more concerned with who they plan to cast as my beloved Lita Ford.  Choose wisely, my friends.  Choose wisely.

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