Tag Archives: you're welcome

the latest…

posted by:  audra

…disseminated & formatted in a way you can easily comprehend.  you’re welcome.

*some of your best friends may make friends with your landlords & happily offer to paint your sad, dilapidated looking house!  our house will be brick red by this time next week, weather permitting.  i can’t wait. 

*ryan gosling is a crazy-awesome, amazing musician!  look for sam’s review of dead man’s bones soon! 

*running into old friends at your neighborhood bar doesn’t have to be awkward!  even if you feel fat & greasy after a long day at work…

*that said, bingo nights hosted by the lyons club brings people together in a slurred, blurry, happy way. 

*…and speaking of greasy little piggies–laura mercier has a new product that will make even the shiniest, palest t-zone perfectly matte & not even cakey looking or orange!  it’s fucking uh-mazing, positively earth shattering.  it’s called smooth focus pressed setting powder, with a slight mint-green tint to coerce that pesky ruddiness into pasty tastiness!  here you go

*in other makeup news:  too faced now makes a mascara (called lashlight…how terribly clever) with an lcd light built right into the wand, & a tiny mirror plastered on the side of the tube.  pretty retarded if you ask me, but the beautiful drag queen at sephora talked me into it; it doesn’t flake, smudge or clump.  at $25/tube, i’d say go with dior diorshow for $24…but i can’t complain yet!  not a single black flake of dried mascara has fallen on my cheek since i started using it! 

*…and i’m currently trying out buxom‘s insider eyeliner.  not sure about it yet.  it’s supposed to be for applying to your waterline, all gentle & such…but i think the (self-sharpening!) pencil is too soft…?  i like it, but i’d rather pay $10 more for nars if they made a self-sharpening liner.  sigh…

*landlords bringing over a super-deluxe keyboard will change your life.  i’ve already taught myself joy division with the bass/drum kit split feature! 

*going out with your friends 5 nights a week will likely make for an uncomfortable, uneventful weekend.  beware of your surroundings when you discover that america’ s funniest home videos is the only thing on.  shudder. 

*lady antebellum’s ‘need you now’ is kind of amazing!  what. 

*it may take a month or so to grow out a bit, but once you’ve gone & bleached your black hair into blonde…another trim & bleach will make it perfectly platinum & delicious!  just stop dyeing your landing strip black, mmkay?  it looks weird when you’re blonde.

*finding out about my beloved alexander mcqueen‘s death via multiple text-messages on an already terrible early morning at work is so not cool!  (although, thank you for informing me, loves).  i am still incredibly upset, sad, distraught & on the verge of suicide myself!  discussion about that coming soon.  i love you, leealexqueeny!   

*this is now my favorite place in town.  to the two who yelped snarly reviews, fuck off.  the cute young kids who work there obviously don’t like you either, & i hope they spat in your tom yum goong.

*having your own roomy office with a space heater, door shut, not having to play receptionist, answering to a rad boss lady, getting business cards & streaming indie 103 all day long = pretty much the best thing ever.

*attending quiz nights at the bar might make you feel dumb!  be careful of the subject matter.  you know you’re a shoo-in with the boy band category, but if there’s a composer category, you’re totally fucked!  do your homework!   we’re called team speshull.  steal it & you’re dead fucking meat. 

*it’s cool if you love chevelle.  i heart them really hard, too. 

*slightly disgusting bouncers with fucked up teeth & long hair just might steal your heart!  why do you like him?!  who knows!  but he’s so cute & nice in a gross way…and doesn’t even card you anymore!  and he’ll totally smoke your menthol ciggies without wincing!  le heavy sigh…..

*when your husband’s coworker’s exhusband’s family doesn’t want a beautiful, perfectly kept vintage mink coat, and offers it to you…you fucking take it and wear it every day like edie beale would!  i love the live minkies just as much as the next animal rights activist, but this thing’s been dead for a loooong  time–i wouldn’t fret over it. 

*note the ‘crazy’ written on people’s faces from the beginning & take that as a big red flag.  do not engage in facebook drama with these people.

*love your friends.  they’re probably the absolute best anyone could ever ask for…ever!

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another 4-letter word…

posted by:  audra

rain.  when i first moved to pdxoxo, i hated the rain.  i mean, hated.  i remember a particular instance–circa spring 2000–heading into safeway with sam, walking across the parking lot.  it was raining.  hard.  i said, “god, i can’t wait for this fucking rain to stop!  will it ever?!”  sam replied, “well, you moved to portland…get used to it.”  at the time, it made me so fucking mad.

then i started working in the service industry, where when it’s sunny outside, it brings people!

i hate people.  i do. 

so, in turn, i began associating sunny, warm days with annoying patrons–their little crumb-snatching crotch maggots in tow.  i would look forward to forecasts urging portlanders to “pack your umbrellas!  batten down the hatches!  it’s gonna get nasty!”   but when i started working a normal office job, i found the rain to irritate me.  it makes traffic worse.  it makes the product in my hair liquefy.  it could run a brow, given the direction of the wind. 

and now it just makes our fucking mudroom wet. 

several weeks ago, our roof started leaking.  i walked into the kitchen one hungover afternoon, to get some water.  i stood at the sink, looking into the mudroom through the window a la roseanne conner, & the ceiling was all water-stained, drips coming from above.  after poking sam a few times to coax him out of bed to go knock on our landlord’s studio door to fetch some help, some plastic was placed on the roof.  temporarily, of course, until a more permanent fix could be brought forth.  on a dry day, the roof was indeed fixed. 

it rained quite a bit over the following weeks & not a drop was dripped.  it was fixed!  amazing!  then last night after a massive downpour, it started leaking again, this time in new places & more enthusiastically.  the landlord came this morning to investigate, & was not happy–with his repair job or the leak in general.  just to be sure, he looked underneath the house (we have a dungeon!  it’s creepy!  like, where one would stash a body, should the need arise!), and checked the bathroom for any suspicious leaks. 

first he wanted to check the shower caulking.  i told him that it “might be gross”, as i hate cleaning the shower.  he pulled open the curtain, and there i saw a wad of my hair balled up on the shower floor.  gross.  i was horrified.  but i let it pass…he didn’t seem disturbed. 

this is when i took the opportunity to tell him about the phantom smell in the bathroom cabinet. 

remember the one?  the one i told you about?  the one that’s like mildewy towels left to rot in the washing machine on a 90 degree day, for like, a week?!  that one! 

he poked around in the cabinet area a bit, pushing aside moisturizers & kitten powders…then said that it was an old house, & that maybe it was something the previous (dirty fucking hippies!) tenants had put in there & that maybe it’d absorbed the smell.  typical.  then he said that it smelled good to him (i now stow incense in there), & not to worry about it.  he got kind of weird at this point, nervous, & said that maybe “baking soder” would get rid of some of the odor, if it was still a problem.

“did i just say baking soder?!

“yes, you did!” i giggle. 

“well, ha…you know, baking soda.

“oh, duh!  of course.  yes, i’ll try that.”

“well, it looks like everything’s okay in here!” 

meeting concluded.

later that evening, after said landlord gets on the roof to put up some more plastic, apologizing for it looking trashy, sam comes home.  we decide to leave the house for awhile.  first, i must use the loo–otherwise i’ll have to pee as soon as we shut the car doors. 

i’m going about business as usual, & glance down at the offending cabinet that was previously inspected by the landlord.  there i see, on the bottom shelf, gleaming like an oracle from baby jesus, my hot pink vibrator with spinning pearls in the shaft.  the ultra 2000 with the golden handle & varying speeds, out on display for all to see.   

oops.

rain will get you nowhere.

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halloween in july & public urination

posted by:  audra

inhale deeply, babycakes!  do you smell that?  yes, that!  it’s sweat!  probably inner-thigh sweat!  and gunpowder!  or whatever the fuck they put into firecrackers!  resonating off of the stupid fucks who still think it’s awesome to be igniting fireworks well after independence day has taken place.  jesus.  i was fucking dying in the heat last week & i hate the fourth of july & i can’t wait for summer to be over already. and i can’t wait for the crumb-snatchers to get back to school.   i mean, jesus christ!  and i really am looking forward to those fall days where the sun is juuust going down at like 6:00 & you need your sweater to carve pumpkin trannies on your patio before watching sorority house massacre (1 or 2…both are excellent) for the fifth time whilst drinking pumpkin beer on the couch.  you know what i mean?  sigh…

you may be surprised to learn that the fourth of july used to be my favorite holiday.  it was.  believe it!  i was young…a tender 17 at best, and lived for it.  you know why?  because it was right in the midst of summer when it starts getting really hot.  the hotter the better, i thought.  god, what a moron i was.  now, if it gets over 70 degrees, i spazz out & develop hives (really!).  but when i was younger, even 98 wasn’t hot enough.

i would lay out in the sun forever…sometimes all day, on the roof.  and sometimes i would purposely burn myself…which wasn’t hard to do anyway, what with my fair, easy-to-burn complexion.  i thought that if i got just a slight burn, that it would make my skin more likely to tan the next time around(?!).  and then i would hit the tanning bed in the evening, just to be sure.  so gross.  it ended up just giving me tons of freckles & prematurely aging skin.  tanning is bad shit, kids!

whoa…what was that all about?!  anyway, your most beloved blog has been neglected as of late.  i’m sorry.  how is it you’ve been able to carry on?!  to satiate you, i’ll give you a few highlights from the recent past…stuff that happened & valuable nuggets of knowledge that i learned:

  • i peed in a cemetery.  i did.  in broad daylight & not even behind a tree.
  • i got drunk in said cemetery.  with my parents.  on courvoisier.  during a memorial service.  in 100 degree heat.  it was awesome.
  • sam & i drunkenly devoured cold fried chicken in my mom & dad’s driveway at midnight on saturday after frenzied, secretive chain-smoking.
  • we discovered we are indeed capable of 3-day benders.
  • surprisingly, the bender & being at my parents house are unrelated.
  • …in one instance, sam & i drank continuously for 25 hours straight.  vodka, beer, tequila and wine.  not one person out of the four of us was sick or fell down.  i’m impressed.
  • i ruined the heel on one of my betsey johnson booties during said bender.
  • i peed outside on a gravel road in the middle of nowhere.  again.  and managed to splatter my shoes.  again.
  • i bought a leopard print handbag with a gold chain at a yard sale for $3. i will probably never use it.
  • i learned that my great-great grandfather was an immigrant from sweden.
  • …and that my great-grandfather only had a 3rd grade education, but was very successful as the head of immigration & naturalization for oregon, washington & idaho.
  • it’s official:  i am allergic to sun.  i sat in the sun two weekends in a row & both times broke out in terrible, itchy welts & hives.  it was gross.  they’re gone now, but the freckles will take years to fade.  damn it.
  • i am on my fourth augusten burroughs book in about a month.  i’m in love with his writing…and i may even say that i like him more than sedaris(!).  i know…blasphemy.  but he’s so fucking amazing & hilarious & tragic.  i can’t believe we’ve owned several of his books for years & are just now cracking open the covers.
  • foreign horror films are a gabillion times better than american horror films, as you learned from watching them, of course.  we just watched a german thriller called antibodies (antikörper) that was over two hours long…and didn’t turn it off.  a lot of blood, a little sex, some pedophilia & plenty of nail-biting scenes.  lovely…just lovely.
  • i have purchased a new journal.  it’s black & looks like a bible, only without words & a cross & a mostly-naked hipster on the cover.  i read through one of my old journals the other night & realized that i’m not bad at writing…at least when i want to be.  i had written some “poetry” that actually kind of blew my mind a little bit!  either way, this new journal will no doubt soon possess some wicked awesome tales to help fill in my memoirs later.  get excited.
  • i’m pretty sure i’ve gained back at least the two pounds i had lost.  i’m afraid to weigh myself.  i’ve consumed nothing but booze, burgers, hot dogs, fried chicken & pizza the past week.  oh, and pigs in a blanket courtesy of the florida room.  how very american of me.

and there you have it!  i think that’s all.  i don’t know about you all, but i plan on milking this 68-degrees-in-july business for as long as i can.  perhaps i’ll pick up some pumpkin beer tonight, pull on a sweater, pretend it’s october & dig out sorority house massacre , just for fun…

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style icon: jamie hince

posted by:  audra

jesus christ, so, evidently, i’ve gotten a bit lazy with my little style icon thursday kick!  oopsies…i totally meant to post this yesterday.  but!  as an added friday bonus, you get the very first male extravaganza.  today’s hot meat treat is jamie hince of the kills.  grab a towel for your seat.

i have never seen jamie or a photograph of jamie where he doesn’t look completely pulled-together in a rumpled–but good–way.  and this is easy to achieve, you guys!  the rock-chic, still-wasted-from-last-night, my-clothes-are-dirty-but-my-belt-costs more-than-your-car look.  get it right!  you can do it!  you can look like jamie!  even if you’re fat or think you’re fat!  all you need are some super-skinny jeans, black boots, a couple of good scarves, a nice tee, maybe a fitted pea coat or leather jacket.  a vest would be a good move too.  some nice sunglasses–not cheap ones.  take up smoking.  and the best accessory that goes with practically everything:  kate moss.

see?!  i fucking told you to get a handbag!

okay, well, maybe he was using that as an overnight bag, but it still looks good.  and look at jamie here; see how he’s fumbling with all that stuff in his hands?  notice him struggling?   i bet he wishes he would have brought his big, red hermes with him to corral his shit:

note the classic pea coat a la ian curtis:

again with the scarves!

i know it’s summer, but hang onto them for couple of months.  or, do what i do:  disregard the weather all together & wear whatever the fuck you want…even if you’re sweating in a black cardigan & tights.  fashion over function!  when you’re dead, do you want anyone to say, gee, he was so…so…functional!  utilitarian even! no.  you want people to say, that fucker knew how to dress!  so snappy!  fashion forward, but effortless at the same time!  incredible style.  always looked dressed to a tea, that one.

you can do it, you guys.  straight boys can be stylish, too!  don’t let all the pretty gays steal your thunder!  jamie is a perfect living example of how easy it is to be hot without having to put forth heaping scoops of effort.  how do you think he got kate moss for christ’s sake!

 

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if this isn’t foreshadowing, i just don’t know what is…

posted by:  audra

jesus, you guys!  so, during last night’s “wild” thunderstorm, sam & i drank beer and watched the late-breaking news describing the whole weather event as it unfolded.  so much drama.  including, but not limited to, a boy from la pine who was struck by lightning.  i’ll spare you the details, but if you’re real curious you can read the whole bit here.

then it happened:  they showed a school photograph of the boy.  i choked on my lager & my eyes welled up with tears from laughing so hard:

he has fucking lightning bolts on his shirt!

did anyone else notice this and/or think it was as hilarious as i?

i know, right!?  hysterical.  i should be careful what i say though — two of my family members have been struck by lightning; one of them twice.  curious.  when lightning strikes, i guess…

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style icon: dita von teese

posted by:  audra

well, you all should know by now that i absolutely adore dita.  the queen of burlesque.  i love her so, so much that i would happily skin her alive & fucking wear her.  i daydream about it quite frequently, in fact.  always clad in vintage-y garb, pretty lingerie & flawless makeup, she’s quite possibly my number one style icon.

come love her with me, my dirty little piglets!  today we’ll be delving deep inside dita.  oooh, good title for a porn, don’t you think?!

ms. dita von teese was actually born on september 28, 1972 as heather renee sweet in rochester, michigan.  her mum, a manicurist, was super-into old hollywood glamour & screen actresses of the 1940s…which, in turn, rubbed off on dita when she was a little girl.  of course, when dita was older, she became obsessed with vintage glam:  red lippy, finger-waves, corsets & stockings.

at a young age, dita trained as a ballerina until she was 15; when she became a stripper at 18, dita would incorporate her ballet skillz into her performances.  she thought that the typical dancer’s routines were dull & such, so she created her own — complete with seamed stockings, a basque, hair done up in a beehive & long gloves.  delicious.

soon after the stripping gig, she began fetish modeling…and amid my investigation work on wikipedia, i learned this:

Through the wearing of a corset for many years, she had reduced her natural waistline to 22 inches and can be laced down as far as 16.5 inches.

um…why haven’t i tried this yet?!  amazing.  anyway, then came the playboy layouts & the famous burlesque shows to follow.  more recently, she’s done modeling for my bffs jean paul gaultier, heatherette & vivs westwood & is a spokesmodel for mac cosmetics.  of course!  hearts.

as if that weren’t enough to make me want to eat her [out], i read this little nugget:

“The one time I hired a stylist, they picked up a pair of my 1940s shoes and said, ‘These would look really cute with jeans.’ I immediately said, ‘You’re out of here.'”

and theeeen…ready?  you’d better pour a drink & sit down for this one: she dyes her blonde hair black, always does her own makeup.  and!  her beauty mark?!  fake! god, it’s like we were separated at birth!  i’ve always felt like i had a sister.  combine that with her love of bondage and her pasty & tasty complexion…?  jesus.  she’s better than huffing sharpie pens.

sweet dita dreams, my sweets.  you’re welcome.

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time sensitive material

posted by:  audra

every fucking night when i’m about to pop some roofies & slip on my satin leopard print, i ask myself, ‘audra, why is it you waste so much time, you wasteful time-waster?  and how come you never, ever get anything accomplished, ever?!’ this has really been bothering me lately.  i never seem to have the “time” to clean the house, get more than one load of laundry done — let alone put said laundry away after it’s clean — and definitely never have time to do any sort of fat-burning activity.

…even though i used to come home & do so every night, as well as tidy up a spot, and manage to get to bed before midnight.

…and let it be noted that no, indeed, i have not resorted to drinking more.

i think it’s my new morning routine that has set me up for failure…?  when i had more of this luxury called time, i would get up promptly at 5 o’clock-ish on a weekday, shower, go about my business & actually make it to work on time without a trace of panic.  now, my alarm goes off at 5:20.  i turn it off & wait for sam to shower first & wait for him to wake me.  he does so sometimes at 5:20, if i’ve already turned the alarm off…then again at 5:30.  lately, it’s been the third (sometimes fourth) attempt at 5:40 (or 5:50) that gets me up…and it’s been a lethargic, dirty-housed downward spiral since.  makes sense, right?

i’m now on a personal mish to make more time for myself, so i can actually keep my household up, perhaps cook something during the week(!), and still have plenty of gooey makeout time with the television, a wine bottle & my chaise.

alright.  so.  get your fancy panties on!  better yet – take them off!  get comfortable.  it’s time for a day in the life of yours truly!  and just so we’re clear, of course, this is weekday stuff only.  but i shouldn’t have to tell you that.  in fact, we’ll just use today as an example for funsies.  indeed, what did i do today?  where does all my time go?  i’m dying to know…you are too…

  • 5:40 am:  currently my typical wake-time, but 20 minutes behind what’s ideal for my morning routine.
  • 5:41 am:  get in shower immediately.  since i’ve saved time by shaving the night before, i can be out in less than 10 minutes.  i’ve also decided to only shampoo my hair once a day, so i’ve shaved a couple of minutes off there, too.  score.  i do however, at least condition my hair in the morning.
  • 5:50 am:  smelling like peppermint, i’m out in 9 minutes.  that’s good, right?  normally i could probably do 5 minutes, but today was a struggle.
  • 5:51 am:  detangle hair, wrap in towel.  moisturize everything…face first, then extremities & special girl bits.
  • 5:55 am:  apply anti-persperant/deodorant.
  • 6:00 am:  jesus!  i’m starting to see where my time is going in the morning…it takes 10 minutes to put on moisturizer?!
  • 6:01 am:  start makeup ritual.  eyebrows always first.  then eye makeup.  base, shadow, liner, more shadow, then glue on lashes.
  • 6:15 am:  while lash glue sets, i blowdry my hair after applying product.
  • 6:20 am:  get coffee & prepare a lovely english muffin for breaky.
  • 6:30 am:  sit outside with coffee & ciggie.
  • 6:37 am:  check email & such.
  • 6:45 am:  heat up flat irons & continue the getting ready process — apply mascara, some foundation.
  • 6:50 am:  turn the dryer on from the night before if clothes need the wrinkles taken out of them.
  • 6:55 am:  straighten my hair.  it really only takes about 10 minutes from start to finish, but for some reason it always takes me longer when i’m in a hurry.  of course.
  • 7:15 am:  complete makeup — finishing powder, lippy, what-have-you.
  • 7:25 am:  attempt to get dressed.  even if i have laid out everything the night before, it never fails; i stuggle finding fishnets or my bra.  every.  time.
  • 7:31 am:  leave the house.
  • 8:10 am:  arrive at workplace.  there was traffic, so i was late.  beautiful.  one would think that 29 minutes is more than adequate time to drive 12 miles.
  • 5:46 pm:  arrive at le cuntington manor.  traffic was a fucking mess & i’ll keep quiet my bitching about bad driver stereotypes.
  • 5:47 pm:  take off my shiny manolos & notice that the heels need repairing already.  of course.
  • 5:47 pm:  bitch about traffic.  bitch about how hot it is.  bitch about the humidity.
  • 5:47 pm:  note how i’m sweating like a fat girl writing her first love letter.
  • 5:48 pm:  open beer.
  • 5:49 pm:  smoke outside with the mr.
  • 6:00 pm:  do a quick inventory & determine that we, in fact, do not need to go to the store like i’d originally planned.  yes!
  • 6:01 pm:  notice that i’m star-ving & perhaps should have a snack?  maybe early dinner?  maybe not, because then i’ll just be starving at 10:00 & drunk & then drunk-snack?
  • 6:05 pm:  elect a snack of salami & a sharp white cheddar.
  • 6:06 pm:  change into a long black chemise i wore several years ago when i was bettie page for halloween.  it’s too hot for yoga pants.
  • 6:16 pm:  check email & update blog.
  • 6:25 pm:  look at the tele (family guy), consider changing channels & then notice my hands are dry.  perhaps i could use a fresh coat of polish, too…?
  • 6:26 pm:  see what sam’s doing.  ‘is that freddie mercury?’ i ask.  ‘it’s about queen.’ he replies.  ‘even better’ (sarcastically).  i exit the room.
  • 6:31 pm:  reenter kitchen.  put away cheese & salami.  consider doing a load of laundry, but determine it’s too stuffy to do so.
  • 6:32 pm:  consider picking out an outfit for tomorrow, but determine i’m too sick of what’s in my closet to do so.
  • 6:33 pm:  pick at imaginary things on my back & think about what interesting things i could possibly do tonight to make this blog more exciting.
  • 6:35 pm:  save draft, fix a v & t with exxxtra lime, and retreat to the veranda to have a fag.  and a cigarette, too.
  • 6:59 pm:  decide to wear my standard uniform tomorrow; a black skirt, black top & whatever heels aren’t tore up from the floor up.
  • 7:01 pm:  start washing machine…with, my specialty:  5 items or less…which is ridiculous & obviously the reason as to why i’m forever doing laundry.
  • 7:03 pm:  settle into my chaise with the queen documentary on the bio channel & my july issue of nylon.
  • 7:05 pm:  i didn’t last long…in fact, i never “settled in” at all.  the documentary was boring & sam was reading a book.
  • 7:06 pm:  working on this retarded time-wasting blog…
  • 8:07 pm:  i’m done.  clearly, my dawdling/blogging/procrastinating are the culprits.  and possibly getting up late & spending too much time getting ready.

time elapsed: approximately 15 hours, give or take.  you’re welcome.

you see what i do for you guys?!  sigh…  and now i’m missing the david bowie bio.  thanks a lot, assholes.

good night, babies.  i do love you.

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