Tag Archives: weight loss

new rezzies

posted by:  audra

oopsies!  i meant to post my newest resolutions way earlier.  like always, i’m taking the same ones from rezzies past & evaluating them first.  oooh, i can’t wait!  let’s get started…

*lose weight  i lost 10lbs over the year & gained it back.  go me.  that’s what i’m famous for, & i didn’t let myself down.  again.  but! i have been doing jillian michaels since last week & lost 3lbs.,  but then i followed it up with excessive drinking & eating copious amounts of un-named fast food…and STILL lost another half-pound! 

*drink less i have done this.  for realsies!  i can still drink any one of you fuckers under the table, but i’ve curbed my addiction slightly!  or perhaps i’ve just been drinking stronger things…so i can drink less…technically…but really i’m drinking more.  whatever.

*gossip less  yes.  did this, too!  i still gossip like the dickens, but i HAVE been doing it less! 

*buy more lusciously tall shoes  actually, sadly, i’ve been wearing flats & kitten heels more.  not because i don’t want to be teetering around precariously, but because i’ve been retardedly broke!  and walking places!  and the floors in some of my favorite bars are sloped and/or slippery & dangerous! 

*investigate hair bleaching  again, yes!  and i did it right before the year’s end!  it’s NOT impossible to strip years of black from your hair!  step-by-step instructions coming soon!

*buy a good meat cleaver  i’d actually forgotten about this one.  this year for sure.

*have dinner & drinks with the friends we always talk about going out with & never do  done!  at least most of you!  i love you–you know who you are!

*possibly try & get more sleep  since being unemployed has left me with lots of time on my hands, this one too is accomplished!  i slept till 11 today! 

*become bffs with m-k  duh!  just check out the picture above!  it’s proof!  what? 

*learn to play my guitar again  sort of!  AND i’ve accumulated a bass!  and apparently i’m going to be in a band!  with real musicians!  and i have bass lessons lined up! 

*fashion a coke-nail out of my left pinkie  i grew out all of my nails to a  perfect length long enough to snort whatever your heart desired out of, & sam was horrified when i used one of them as a screwdriver.  i cut them after i discovered typing & texting just weren’t the same.

*roast a pheasant  still no.  sigh.

*wear more hats  lame!  i’m getting rid of this one.  although, i’mma find a way to integrate my new, beautiful headdress into my wardrobe this year! 

new ones:

*investigate going eyebrow-less!  or at least grow them out & see what happens now that i don’t have black hair.  i tried it once in the privacy of my own bathroom, & it was very beth ditto…just not sure if i’d venture out like that.  what’s worse though: going out without brows, or going out with brows you draw on with a stencil?!  the mind quails.

*make bffs with a tranny  if you think this is rude & inappropriate, think again my little judgmental scabie!  who else could i put on ludicrous amounts of makeup with, go shoe shopping with, play dress-up with & then have a double-penetration threesome with without a strap-on?!  see…see??   what.  i want one.

*go totally, completely platinum  give me just a little grow-out time, a trim & another bleaching treatment & it will happen.  very soon.  get excited.

*convince my mom NOT to sign up to facebook  shudder. 

*learn all of lady gaga’s dance moves  i think this one speaks for itself.

*get a job  i think this one speaks for itself as well.  it’s SUCH a struggle though!  after a few months of looking, you just start to feel like a doomed loser.  and when no one else has a job either, it kind of makes you feel okay!  so it’s easy to slack-off!  it’s terrible.  i would only wish it upon a few people. 

that’s all, babies!  i think it’s best to keep it a little more on the modest side, don’t you?

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the dress

posted by:  audra

the other…week, i went to see a very dear friend at the vintage store at which she’s employed.  my first plan of action was to see her face; the second was to find something spectacular to wear for my annual day of worship–my birthday. 

right away i found the most perfect piece:  1940s (or whatever) baby-blue sheath dress, beaded all over, in really good condition.  capped sleeves, mid-calf length.  it had some ‘foo’ on it; some discoloration from years of wear, or a champagne toast gone awry.  the hem was a little frayed, but nothing a sharp pair of scissors wouldn’t fix.  the best part?  it was under twenty bucks.  believe it!  i was in love. 

i’m against trying garments on in stores.  i hate it.  i would rather deal with the hassle of returning or exchanging than to go into a tiny fitting room, smelling of moist armpits & vadge sweat, fucking up my hair, only to look into an unflattering mirror intensifying my cellulite under fluorescent lighting.  gross.  who wants to mess with that? 

so, i hold the dress up to my waist.  i’ve learned the fine art of holding things up to me, to see if they fit, without trying them on.  i’ve always been 100% accurate.  did you know that if you hold a dress (or whatever) up to your front, and can fit it halfway around you, then it will fit?   the waist of the blue baby fit perfectly.  i pulled it across my chest.  again, perfect. 

the dress makes it safely back to our home, where i try on my other treasures first.  everything’s good.  i step into the dress, and it hugs my hips in a non-hideous way, making me look thinner somehow.  the top fits as well.  the shoulder parts fall in just the right places. 

fuck.  the zipper won’t go up.

it won’t.  even.  move.

my back is FAT.  my back!  fat! 

i’m spilling over like a heavy-loaded fruit tree.

whatever.  stupid fucking vintage garments & their fucked up proportions! 

filthy tight, the dress is filthy.

but look at these fucking beads!

i went hunting in my closet for something else to wear.  remember that short, flared skirt i used to wear?  the black one?  kind of woolly?  yes, here it is.  i pull it on. 

i can’t get it fucking buttoned.  at ALL.   i don’t even want to think  of attempting to put on my favorite size 6  halter dress from several years ago.

but it’s feeling so damn tight tonight.

so, okay.  look.  i’ve been over this a gabillion times, but for god’s sake!  i truly believe that i will be forever self-sabotaging myself.  when we first moved in september, i took walks.  all the time.  sometimes two, three times a day.  i’d get up early.  i worked out.  jillian michels 30-day shred!  i was so sore the first week, i could barely move.  my weight was the lowest it’s been in 2 years.   my muffin-top was gone. 

then the weather got sort of crappy, & i started sleeping in.  i skipped working out, and sat looking for a job instead.  i drank a LOT of beer.  i may have had some cheese, too. 

is this common, the up-down weighty issues?  i’ve done it for as long as i can remember…and when i was at a weight close to 130lbs seven years ago with a shaved head, i didn’t think i’d ever gain weight again.  but i did, lost it, gained it back, about five times over.  so what if i fancy hot dogs, bacon & a pat of butter every now & then?  if i’ve said it once, i’ve said it seventy-seven times: i’m not an over-eater!  i’m an over-drinker.  maybe my food choices aren’t the best all the time.  and i’m lazy.  do you even know what kind of damage that combination can do to your chins?!

last year my goal was to lose a bunch of weight, get skinny & bleach my hair to look like debbie harry in the 70s.  do you know how many layers of black hair-dye i have on my head?!  too many to ever be that blonde.  perhaps i need something a little more realistic, like fitting into the dress?  or, at least my old, flared black skirt.  gross…is this me making the new years resolutions already?!

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talk of hot dogs, bladder infections & half-assed movie reviews

posted by:  audra

good evening, lovelies.  did everyone have a blow-your-head-off/i-just-ate-16-hot-dogs-awesome father’s day weekend?  i did.  except there were no wieners involved whatsoever.  this time.  at least in the frankfurter sense.  i managed to avoid all processed meats and processed cheeses(!) this weekend in favor of cooking things that are good for me at home.  aaaand, i worked out both saturday and sunday.  which never, ever happens on the weekend…  aaaand, lost 2 pounds.  finally.

my current weight:  158.0.

which is good.  considering the first week — my efforts consisted of 2 days of sweating & eating well, then following that up with 5 days of laze & massive amounts of beer consumption…along with gratuitous snacking.  i’m gross.

anyway, this last friday night we went a’trolloping to whole foods, which always inspires me to eat well.  it’s the one place i actually enjoy grocery shopping.   i picked out some lovely filet mignon & gathered some things for a potato salad…don’t worry!  the cute kind of potato salad!  not the yellow kind with cut up egg, mayo & relish!  this one is some sort of french recipe i had scrawled onto a note card in 2001(!).  i think it’s from saveur magazine…?  and why i didn’t just cut the thing out of the mag, i’ll never know.   anyway, the salad consists of fingerling potatoes (whole foods was out; i used baby reds), lots of tarragon, good kosher salt, cracked pepper & champagne vinegar.  that’s it!  oh, & apparently some mayonnaise…even though i would swear it was olive oil & vinegar based…it had likely been seven years since i’d last made it & i didn’t remember assembling it with mayonnaise like the recipe had suggested…but i followed along & did the mayo anyhow.  it only called for 3-4 teaspoons, but…

next time i’ll leave it out.  i think just some olive oil would be much, much better.

so that was that, & with some of this, and to start we had my favorite, favorite come-in-your-panties-amazing goat milk truffle tremor cheese, a triple creme delice de bourgogne, and a lovely oregon gorgonzola…cleverly or retardedly named oregonzola.  i can’t decide which.  i took some drunken photographs of the half-eaten cheese plate, only to realize later how gross it looked smeared across a pink depression glass plate.  maybe next time i’ll think first.

yeeeeah, sorry about that.  but the little dish of honey?  lover-ly with the delice de bourgogne.  amazing, in fact.

this was the filet mignon & such…i know it looks ghetto!  and sparse!  it does!  but it was awesome.  i swear it.  next time i’ll dress the plate up with flair & glitter…but i was super-tired & starving by this time.  this photo is purely for ‘proof that i made it’ purposes.  we had some sort of cheap $17 pinot from california with it, too.  block 45 or something?  i don’t remember…but it wasn’t terrible!

saturday was completely unproductive.  i had lofty plans of getting up early (9 or 10-ish), getting all of the laundry done, including the sheets, clearing off the patio, cleaning the floors & being showered & dressed-up by 3pm.  but i should know by now that once these sort of inspirational plans are sought, i will fail tremendously at them.

i got up at 1:00.  then realized that we needed haricot verts, basil & some fresh anchovies for the niçoise platter i was to put together later.  i did minimal cleaning, if any, read my book, melted some fat off of my thighs–courtesy of mustang sally–and was barely out of the shower at 5.  which in turn, landed us back at whole foods around 6:30.

i think dinner commenced at 9 or 9:30 that night after a floundered attempt at watching nighthawks (not the one that was made in the 80s with sylvester stallone, you guys!  jesus!), supposed to be “very controversial” & “daring”1970s film about gay men in london.  this one guy’s a middle school teacher, so he’s forced to be closeted, blah blah blah, then goes out to the clubs to fag it up at night…leading a double life.  sound exciting?  it’s not.  it’s totally boring & i would swear there is absolutely no dialog within the first 20 minutes of the film–in a non-dramatic way.

anyway, this niçoise platter…so easy, you guys… so easy!  if you make this for your friends, i promise they will think you are brilliant in the kitchen & love you forever!  you might even get laid.  it’s that pretty.  you just make a french potato salad (not the tarragon one i mentioned before, but one with basil, flat-leaf parsley, scallions & a vinaigrette–dijon mustard, champagne vinegar, olive oil, good kosher salt & cracked pepper.), & assemble the rest:  grilled ahi steaks, arugula, steamed haricot verts, good anchovies, kalamata olives, heirloom tomatoes & a hard-cooked chicken egg.  i took drunken photographs of this too…nothing great, but you get the picture…

sunday was a movie day that totally made up for that nighthawks debacle!  first we watched a french horror/ thriller, set in romania that we’ve been dying to watch called them (ils in french).  get this immediately.  i’m not even kidding.  i even gambled on a bladder infection because i didn’t want to pause it to make a break for the loo!

…and we also watched dear zachary.  a documentary made by a guy named kurt who loves his childhood friend andrew.  andrew gets murdered by his psychotic ex-girlfriend.   kurt goes all over searching for the people who were in andrew’s life, & interviewing them.  drama ensues.  and i’m telling you, i’ve never cried so much during a movie everrrrr. that shit ripped my heart out.  watch it this weekend, you guys!  it’s amazing.

sigh.  okay.  that’s it.  you’re caught up.  goodnight!  i love you!

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some girls are bigger than others

posted by:  audra

okay.  check it:

last night, i did some exercise.

and tonight…?

i did some more.

i have also read an entire book in less than 4 days & started another.

i’m not sure what’s going on with me, but i think it may have something to do with a little mini-mental-meltdown i had on sunday evening.  i’ve realized that i have been lamenting about having a little extra cush on my tush for forever & we’re all way sick of it.  but mostly, i’m pushing thirty & i don’t want to exit my twenties being unhappy with my fat-girl arms.

and i also want to read more because it will make me smarter, wittier, more clever & irresistible to be around.

so there.  everyone wins!  nobody wants to sit next to a dumb, dull fatty.

but wait!  there’s more.  i’ve decided to disclose to you my actual, real, bloody, raw weight.  i’m not a typical girl in never wanting to reveal my weight, but it is a little humiliating to do in public.  i did this to myself!  mama’s lazy & the girl likes to drink.  and sit.  i can’t help it!  ready?  wait for it, suck in your beer gut, hold your breath…

160.0

exactly.

my weight is one thing, my height — quite another.  but anyway!  i feel this will force me to keep it up; if i periodically write updates about my progress.  so, get excited!  your friend audra is about to get more attractive.

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