new rezzies

posted by:  audra

oopsies!  i meant to post my newest resolutions way earlier.  like always, i’m taking the same ones from rezzies past & evaluating them first.  oooh, i can’t wait!  let’s get started…

*lose weight  i lost 10lbs over the year & gained it back.  go me.  that’s what i’m famous for, & i didn’t let myself down.  again.  but! i have been doing jillian michaels since last week & lost 3lbs.,  but then i followed it up with excessive drinking & eating copious amounts of un-named fast food…and STILL lost another half-pound! 

*drink less i have done this.  for realsies!  i can still drink any one of you fuckers under the table, but i’ve curbed my addiction slightly!  or perhaps i’ve just been drinking stronger things…so i can drink less…technically…but really i’m drinking more.  whatever.

*gossip less  yes.  did this, too!  i still gossip like the dickens, but i HAVE been doing it less! 

*buy more lusciously tall shoes  actually, sadly, i’ve been wearing flats & kitten heels more.  not because i don’t want to be teetering around precariously, but because i’ve been retardedly broke!  and walking places!  and the floors in some of my favorite bars are sloped and/or slippery & dangerous! 

*investigate hair bleaching  again, yes!  and i did it right before the year’s end!  it’s NOT impossible to strip years of black from your hair!  step-by-step instructions coming soon!

*buy a good meat cleaver  i’d actually forgotten about this one.  this year for sure.

*have dinner & drinks with the friends we always talk about going out with & never do  done!  at least most of you!  i love you–you know who you are!

*possibly try & get more sleep  since being unemployed has left me with lots of time on my hands, this one too is accomplished!  i slept till 11 today! 

*become bffs with m-k  duh!  just check out the picture above!  it’s proof!  what? 

*learn to play my guitar again  sort of!  AND i’ve accumulated a bass!  and apparently i’m going to be in a band!  with real musicians!  and i have bass lessons lined up! 

*fashion a coke-nail out of my left pinkie  i grew out all of my nails to a  perfect length long enough to snort whatever your heart desired out of, & sam was horrified when i used one of them as a screwdriver.  i cut them after i discovered typing & texting just weren’t the same.

*roast a pheasant  still no.  sigh.

*wear more hats  lame!  i’m getting rid of this one.  although, i’mma find a way to integrate my new, beautiful headdress into my wardrobe this year! 

new ones:

*investigate going eyebrow-less!  or at least grow them out & see what happens now that i don’t have black hair.  i tried it once in the privacy of my own bathroom, & it was very beth ditto…just not sure if i’d venture out like that.  what’s worse though: going out without brows, or going out with brows you draw on with a stencil?!  the mind quails.

*make bffs with a tranny  if you think this is rude & inappropriate, think again my little judgmental scabie!  who else could i put on ludicrous amounts of makeup with, go shoe shopping with, play dress-up with & then have a double-penetration threesome with without a strap-on?!  see…see??   what.  i want one.

*go totally, completely platinum  give me just a little grow-out time, a trim & another bleaching treatment & it will happen.  very soon.  get excited.

*convince my mom NOT to sign up to facebook  shudder. 

*learn all of lady gaga’s dance moves  i think this one speaks for itself.

*get a job  i think this one speaks for itself as well.  it’s SUCH a struggle though!  after a few months of looking, you just start to feel like a doomed loser.  and when no one else has a job either, it kind of makes you feel okay!  so it’s easy to slack-off!  it’s terrible.  i would only wish it upon a few people. 

that’s all, babies!  i think it’s best to keep it a little more on the modest side, don’t you?

dix

posted by:  audra

so, babies…it’s nice to be back, yes?!  i’m happy, you’re happy…and i can’t tell you how many “thank-yous” i’ve gotten for posting again.  actually, that’s a lie; i can…and it’s 3.  but that’s better than nothing, right?! 

so kids–my 3 readers–you’re very welcome & it’s my pleasure. 

i bet you’re all wondering, what is it she’s up to, now that since there’s still no job in the picture?  well, i’ll tell you.  i’ve been learning things!  and brace yourselves…i’ve learned a lot.

1. the chicken fried steak at the spare room is fucking awesome.  the whole plate is covered–literally the whole plate–with sausage gravy.  it comes with a side salad (with shredded cheese, of course), garlic toast, and assorted steamed vegetables.  i love me some dive bars…but this place is like shari’s had a baby with the sandy hut.  and i adore it. 
2. you can almost always find a marathon of roseanne or the golden girls on at any given time of any given day. 
3. a haunting marathon on the discovery channel is on mondays from 11am-5pm.
4. the bottom portion of our bathroom cabinet fucking reeeeeeks.  if i go more than 2 days without cleaning it, it smells like rotting wet towels that have been left in the washing machine for several days (not that i would have any experience at ALL with that).  i think there may be some sort of water leak or something in there….i have bleached, vinegared, clorox everyday’d, baking soda’d, citrus cleaned…you fucking name it, i’ve scoured with it….and the smell returns every fucking time!  suggestions?  my touch me then try to leave cream  can NOT live in a cabinet like that!
5. there are no good jobs.  anywhere.  oh, there was one…and it was purr-fect, in my neighborhood, paid a lot, i was more  than qualified…and they never called me.  fine!  you just lost yourself the jolt of sunshine your pathetic office was in need of!  i hope you’re happy, assholes!
6. i can go without smoking for hours.  sometimes i don’t even smoke until like, 4 in the afternoon!  i knew i wasn’t addicted. 
7. i am good at losing weight.   but even better at gaining that weight back after getting a head/chest cold and doing nothing but eating grilled cheeses & watching the telly for 5 days on the pretty pink sofa.
8. i miss my friends!  terribly!  all of you; some more than others…  call me!  i know that i project the busy, glamorous, glitterati lifestyle you could only dream of having…but i’m probably just doing a load of laundry &  scrubbing the bathroom floors whilst golden girls are on in the background.
9. happy hour at le room florida is my favorite.  6 old g’s, endless chain-smoking, 2 orders of sliders with tots & a bar tab of $9.50.  amazing.
10. the remake of the last house on the left was good.  pretty good, at least.  i was pleasantly surprised…until the very end.  why do they always have to fuck it up?!  spoiler alert:  krug’s exploding head in the microwave.  retarded!