Category Archives: potpourri

um…

posted by:  audra

i know, right?  just be happy that yours truly has an important enough job that i don’t spend hours of the workday blogging any longer. or don’t be.  your choice.

the latest assorted treats, in list form…because i’m lazy:

*a single man.  um–turns out, tom ford, the love of my life, can direct!  so beautiful it’s nearly unspeakable.  just watch it.  so pretty….slow, but i promise it will hold your attention, hence the prettiness.

and speaking of beautiful films…

*antichrist.  i was all up in arms to see this months ago, and finally saw it the last weekend.  i have a problem with lars von trier even though i think he’s kind of amazing, but this film is brilliant.  SPOILER ALERT!  clit cutting & ejaculating blood.  combined with charlotte gainsbourg, willem dafoe & witchcraft = kinda perf.  but once you see ‘her’ whip out the scissors, look away if you’re faint of heart.

*this is old news now, but  trust me–if you make a group of your friends watch it, it will spark controversy & they’ll be talking about it long after you’ve slammed your ginger infused vodka & smoked 4 ciggies.   even if it puts you all in a tizzy & you think it has nothing to say… isn’t the mish accomplished?

*what the fuck is wrong with me that i haven’t blog-lamented lee mcqueen’s devastating suicide?!  what a tool.  seriously.

*whilst i love my favorite bar, i truly wish that i could dismember nearly every regular patron of that place.  and i’m so tired of the self-righteous, holier-than-thou fucks there that i can’t even stand myself any longer.  the gentleman i’ve affectionately nicknamed ‘headphones’?  he’s fine.  sam’s stalker?  even he’s fine.  but the retards who play quarters at the bar have got to go.  really?  you guys are like, 35.  and you have cat hair caked to the ass of your fucking skinny jeans & stupid hipster cardigans.  i’m not interested in you beating my awesome team at bar trivia, either.  fuck you, your douchebaggery, zig zags & loose american spirit tobacco.

*mos qui qui bites are sick, and you’ll totally look like a severe acne victim, post evening stroll up the street unless you protect yourself with pure vanilla extract on your pulse points!  it works–promise!  this learned after enduring 28 bites.  and actually, after discovering this super-important tip, i pretty much doused my entire body with vanilla extract.  you’ll smell like junior high (vanilla fields!), but i’m certain that it will keep you mos qui qui free.  but bees like it.  be careful, babies.

*landlords sometimes do awesome things!  they may actually clean up their shop/studio/rat’s nest with rad galvanized siding and leave a treat from their vacay to greece on your door!

*some quick product reviews from me that i know you’ve missed…

korres soft eyeliner pencil in black is rather… um, really good.  it glides on perfectly smooth, stays on & will set you back about 16 bucks or something.  take it from a girl who wears a whole lot of eyeliner.

sephora shadow also is really good!  even though i shied away from sephora brand stuff before, for whatever reason, it’s really good!  not spectacular, nothing special….just….good.  $12.

korres wild rose face shit is totally, perfectly amazing!  32 bucks will get you a humble little jar of awesome that smells good & makes your medicine cabinet look stylish.  and!  what’s even better, is that it only takes a tiny dab to make your skin nice.  you’re welcome!  my only complaint is that possesses a mere 6(!) spf.  fucking greeks.

more philosophy lip shine!  this time in bubble gum, yet i still want to eat it.  so awesome.  $10.

don’t buy this hairspray!  “brushable hold” and “lightweight” means that it doesn’t work.  at all.

*my jam right now, not to mention completely exquisite video:

*this too…..um, boys in stilettos & fishnets?!  sigh…

*…and this song which i’m totally obsessed with:

sadly, that’s all i have at the moment.  love you, miss you, mean it!

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the latest…

posted by:  audra

…disseminated & formatted in a way you can easily comprehend.  you’re welcome.

*some of your best friends may make friends with your landlords & happily offer to paint your sad, dilapidated looking house!  our house will be brick red by this time next week, weather permitting.  i can’t wait. 

*ryan gosling is a crazy-awesome, amazing musician!  look for sam’s review of dead man’s bones soon! 

*running into old friends at your neighborhood bar doesn’t have to be awkward!  even if you feel fat & greasy after a long day at work…

*that said, bingo nights hosted by the lyons club brings people together in a slurred, blurry, happy way. 

*…and speaking of greasy little piggies–laura mercier has a new product that will make even the shiniest, palest t-zone perfectly matte & not even cakey looking or orange!  it’s fucking uh-mazing, positively earth shattering.  it’s called smooth focus pressed setting powder, with a slight mint-green tint to coerce that pesky ruddiness into pasty tastiness!  here you go

*in other makeup news:  too faced now makes a mascara (called lashlight…how terribly clever) with an lcd light built right into the wand, & a tiny mirror plastered on the side of the tube.  pretty retarded if you ask me, but the beautiful drag queen at sephora talked me into it; it doesn’t flake, smudge or clump.  at $25/tube, i’d say go with dior diorshow for $24…but i can’t complain yet!  not a single black flake of dried mascara has fallen on my cheek since i started using it! 

*…and i’m currently trying out buxom‘s insider eyeliner.  not sure about it yet.  it’s supposed to be for applying to your waterline, all gentle & such…but i think the (self-sharpening!) pencil is too soft…?  i like it, but i’d rather pay $10 more for nars if they made a self-sharpening liner.  sigh…

*landlords bringing over a super-deluxe keyboard will change your life.  i’ve already taught myself joy division with the bass/drum kit split feature! 

*going out with your friends 5 nights a week will likely make for an uncomfortable, uneventful weekend.  beware of your surroundings when you discover that america’ s funniest home videos is the only thing on.  shudder. 

*lady antebellum’s ‘need you now’ is kind of amazing!  what. 

*it may take a month or so to grow out a bit, but once you’ve gone & bleached your black hair into blonde…another trim & bleach will make it perfectly platinum & delicious!  just stop dyeing your landing strip black, mmkay?  it looks weird when you’re blonde.

*finding out about my beloved alexander mcqueen‘s death via multiple text-messages on an already terrible early morning at work is so not cool!  (although, thank you for informing me, loves).  i am still incredibly upset, sad, distraught & on the verge of suicide myself!  discussion about that coming soon.  i love you, leealexqueeny!   

*this is now my favorite place in town.  to the two who yelped snarly reviews, fuck off.  the cute young kids who work there obviously don’t like you either, & i hope they spat in your tom yum goong.

*having your own roomy office with a space heater, door shut, not having to play receptionist, answering to a rad boss lady, getting business cards & streaming indie 103 all day long = pretty much the best thing ever.

*attending quiz nights at the bar might make you feel dumb!  be careful of the subject matter.  you know you’re a shoo-in with the boy band category, but if there’s a composer category, you’re totally fucked!  do your homework!   we’re called team speshull.  steal it & you’re dead fucking meat. 

*it’s cool if you love chevelle.  i heart them really hard, too. 

*slightly disgusting bouncers with fucked up teeth & long hair just might steal your heart!  why do you like him?!  who knows!  but he’s so cute & nice in a gross way…and doesn’t even card you anymore!  and he’ll totally smoke your menthol ciggies without wincing!  le heavy sigh…..

*when your husband’s coworker’s exhusband’s family doesn’t want a beautiful, perfectly kept vintage mink coat, and offers it to you…you fucking take it and wear it every day like edie beale would!  i love the live minkies just as much as the next animal rights activist, but this thing’s been dead for a loooong  time–i wouldn’t fret over it. 

*note the ‘crazy’ written on people’s faces from the beginning & take that as a big red flag.  do not engage in facebook drama with these people.

*love your friends.  they’re probably the absolute best anyone could ever ask for…ever!

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new rezzies

posted by:  audra

oopsies!  i meant to post my newest resolutions way earlier.  like always, i’m taking the same ones from rezzies past & evaluating them first.  oooh, i can’t wait!  let’s get started…

*lose weight  i lost 10lbs over the year & gained it back.  go me.  that’s what i’m famous for, & i didn’t let myself down.  again.  but! i have been doing jillian michaels since last week & lost 3lbs.,  but then i followed it up with excessive drinking & eating copious amounts of un-named fast food…and STILL lost another half-pound! 

*drink less i have done this.  for realsies!  i can still drink any one of you fuckers under the table, but i’ve curbed my addiction slightly!  or perhaps i’ve just been drinking stronger things…so i can drink less…technically…but really i’m drinking more.  whatever.

*gossip less  yes.  did this, too!  i still gossip like the dickens, but i HAVE been doing it less! 

*buy more lusciously tall shoes  actually, sadly, i’ve been wearing flats & kitten heels more.  not because i don’t want to be teetering around precariously, but because i’ve been retardedly broke!  and walking places!  and the floors in some of my favorite bars are sloped and/or slippery & dangerous! 

*investigate hair bleaching  again, yes!  and i did it right before the year’s end!  it’s NOT impossible to strip years of black from your hair!  step-by-step instructions coming soon!

*buy a good meat cleaver  i’d actually forgotten about this one.  this year for sure.

*have dinner & drinks with the friends we always talk about going out with & never do  done!  at least most of you!  i love you–you know who you are!

*possibly try & get more sleep  since being unemployed has left me with lots of time on my hands, this one too is accomplished!  i slept till 11 today! 

*become bffs with m-k  duh!  just check out the picture above!  it’s proof!  what? 

*learn to play my guitar again  sort of!  AND i’ve accumulated a bass!  and apparently i’m going to be in a band!  with real musicians!  and i have bass lessons lined up! 

*fashion a coke-nail out of my left pinkie  i grew out all of my nails to a  perfect length long enough to snort whatever your heart desired out of, & sam was horrified when i used one of them as a screwdriver.  i cut them after i discovered typing & texting just weren’t the same.

*roast a pheasant  still no.  sigh.

*wear more hats  lame!  i’m getting rid of this one.  although, i’mma find a way to integrate my new, beautiful headdress into my wardrobe this year! 

new ones:

*investigate going eyebrow-less!  or at least grow them out & see what happens now that i don’t have black hair.  i tried it once in the privacy of my own bathroom, & it was very beth ditto…just not sure if i’d venture out like that.  what’s worse though: going out without brows, or going out with brows you draw on with a stencil?!  the mind quails.

*make bffs with a tranny  if you think this is rude & inappropriate, think again my little judgmental scabie!  who else could i put on ludicrous amounts of makeup with, go shoe shopping with, play dress-up with & then have a double-penetration threesome with without a strap-on?!  see…see??   what.  i want one.

*go totally, completely platinum  give me just a little grow-out time, a trim & another bleaching treatment & it will happen.  very soon.  get excited.

*convince my mom NOT to sign up to facebook  shudder. 

*learn all of lady gaga’s dance moves  i think this one speaks for itself.

*get a job  i think this one speaks for itself as well.  it’s SUCH a struggle though!  after a few months of looking, you just start to feel like a doomed loser.  and when no one else has a job either, it kind of makes you feel okay!  so it’s easy to slack-off!  it’s terrible.  i would only wish it upon a few people. 

that’s all, babies!  i think it’s best to keep it a little more on the modest side, don’t you?

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miss steaks & other valuable nuggets of knowledge

posted by:  audra

*batteries left in expensive, rarely used vibrators will start oozing toxic acids or whatever into your tool.  be sure to remove the batteries if you plan on stowing your naughty things away for awhile, otherwise you’ll have to toss the entire thing!   you done fucked yourself!

*if you find two used copies of the same hardcover patricia wells cookbook in perfect condition, buy them both!  give one to your mum!

*missing an epi of it’s always sunny in philadephia  is for retards.  what else are you going to talk about at happy hour with your friends?!  don’t you want to impress people with your knowledge of ‘flipadelphia’?!

*parmesan pastry pups at trader joe’s are a delicious, “upscale” alternative to just plain old le pigs in a blanket.  but buyer beware:  they will smell up your house somethin’ awful, & probably give you terrible heartburn, as well as make you burp lit’l smokies burps all night, which is NOT savory.  DO NOT ENTERTAIN WITH THEM!  plan on going home alone on nights like this. 
 
*read her last death  by susanna sonnenberg!  just fucking do it already!  trust me!  it’s amazing!  vogue told me to do it, and i did & i’m better for it!  go!  my review is coming soon…i hope.  we’ll see.  that seems a little too ambitious to me.
  
*when you find out you’re within the top-applicants of some crazy-awesome rad job you want, don’t get too fucking excited!  calm yourself!  don’t spend your future paychecks already!  don’t picture how you’ll tell your loved ones how amazing you are that you now have a really important job!  you’re not that great!  and then  when you find out that you were in the top fucking TWO out of 325 applicants & don’t get that crazy-awesome rad job, you’ll thank me! 
 
*so, when you’re a granola-y little waif wearing flannel & skinny jeans attempting to cross the street, look in front of you, not behind you before crossing!  you may see a blinking red hand, signalling you NOT to cross the street just yet!  and a car turning the corner!  jesus christ.  and you know what?  don’t fucking flip me off.  had you been paying attention to something other than your nasty, nappy hippie hair hitting you in the ass, maybe you wouldn’t have almost died.  i already hate bicyclists, don’t make me hate pedestrians too. 
 
*watch fashion docs!  lagerfeld confidential just may change your life.  so may valentino: the last emperor.  i actually teared up in both films at one point or another!  maybe it was the booze, maybe it wasn’t, but they were really  touching! 
 
*admit that the family stone made your list of top 5 favorite holiday films.  diane keaton, rachel mcadams, luke wilson, claire danes, sjp?!  and the dad from poltergeist?!   a deaf gay?!  sign language?!   a sad but heart-warming ending?!  please.
 

*defriend the assholes on facebook who chastise you for having an opinion!  they’re obviously not your friends anyways!   since when is it news that i don’t want to be around children!?  just because you have them doesn’t make you smarter, holier than thou or special in ANY way!  stop making me feel like a heathen with no purpose for not bearing 8 children!  motherhood does not define a woman!   just because i don’t like them or want them doesn’t make me a bad person!  we could have still been friends, but you ruined it!  don’t judge me because i don’t want stretchmarks & because i don’t want to spend life in prison for killing the children i didn’t want in the first place!   somewhere someone is living with agonizing guilt for convincing their friend diane downs that she would not be socially acceptable unless she had children.  i’m saving us both a step.  really.

*there…i feel better now.  i mean, have kids if you really want to–that’s fine!  just teach them well, clean them & for god’s sake, make them use their “inside voices” in public spaces…there is no excuse for a child running willy-nilly screaming bloody murder in a fucking book store or whole foods.   oh, and can you teach them to not be little shits?  is that too much to ask?  some of my best friends are mothers of amazing, well-mannered children, so i know it’s possible!  go!  be a good parent! 

*rubbing alcohol makes an excellent cleaning solution!  just straight–no diluting.  pour it in a spray-bottle & it will make your counter-tops, cooktops, stainless steel what-have-yous & even mirrors gleam!  and sanitized!  you probably already smell like a lush anyway, so why not go with it? 

*getting years of black hair dye off your head is really hard fucking work!  it may take 5 or 6 seshes of the one ‘n only colorfix, but there is light at the end of the color spectrum.  be prepared to smell like a bubbling vat of sulfur for days, if not weeks  afterwards–even after shampooing & conditioning like mad.  AND be prepared for the most hideously orange hair of your life!  is it worth it?!  we don’t know yet….

*…speaking of which–after hours of painstaking color-lifting, for god’s sake, if you’re desperate for some deep conditioning after, don’t reach for your tube of color amplifying conditioning balm!  it will darken your locks considerably & you’ll probably be on the verge of tears for doing something so retarded! 

*the real housewives of orange county is kind of amazing. 

i’ll leave you with that.  happy xxx-mas, you dirty little birdies! 
 
 

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current obsessions

posted by:  audra

apparently i’m real good at list-making.  it’s easier, maybe?  this one is not bulleted, but i have faith in you.

whatever, martha!  awesomest show EVER.  maybe not ever, but it’s close.  want to know a secret?  i kind of want to be martha stewart.  i do.  doesn’t every girl want to be attractive, make her own laundry detergent from garden soil, cultivate her own hybrid lilies, make halloween-themed pasta (riga-boni!!), AND launder the sheets every day?!  this show starring martha’s jaded daughter alexis and her adorable, sarcastic friend jennifer takes everything martha does & debunks it like the guys on ghost hunters…and it’s hilarious.  i heart it. 

right?!  fine living network, my domestically challenged beauties.  you will love it.  i promise.

black eyed peas meet me halfway.  god, i hate myself.   is this old-ish or new?  i don’t even know…but i do  know that every time i switch the radio to z100, it’s on.  which is embarrassingly often.  i can only take so much fever ray & animal collective, you know?  it’s SO good…but the video is terrible…brace yourselves:

i wonder if the yyy’s know that they totally stole that maps guitar thing?  hmm.  anyways, my absolute favorite, favorite, FAVORITE song of the moment is this:  the raveonettes breaking into cars: 

i think i put it on my myspace awhile ago…and calm yourself–there’s not a video just yet.  it’s fucking so delicious that i would totally die for them.  fucking BRILLIANT.  love, love, looove.  lyrics are simple, but the sound is dark & sexy like 60s film noir.  the whole record…even the more ludicrously titled songs like boys who rape (should all be destroyed).  a good portion of the tracks are about heartbreak & things you can’t have…always delicious.  i’m a total lyric snob, and upon first listen i thought it was rubbish.  but i kept listening, because they’re like my favorite band EVER, and i wanted to like it.  now i love it for real.  i do!  the raveonettes – in & out of control.  buy it now.  it will make you look cool…because they’re so amazing.  believe it!  what?  i need something to balance out the black eyed peas…

my shower.  when sam & i moved into the house in september, the shower water pressure was AWFUL.  it took ten minutes just to rinse all the shower gel out of my naughty bits.  it was really upsetting, considering our old shower would pelt your clit right off if you turned the water on all the way.  then, one random sunday, i turned on the shower and there was suddenly crazy awesome water pressure.  where did this come from?!  did someone switch a pressure switch?  my theory is that my household ghost was concerned for my well-being–i no longer could have precious “intimate” showers with myself.  now i can, once again.  it IS just deep crevice-cleaning with perks, afterall.  anywaysies!  not only does it come with that  now, but i can shower in half the time! 

pouring salt on slugs.  these fuckers are everywhere.  and i thought the spiders were bad!   now that the icky spiders have gone along their way, i’m now finding slugs on our back patio.  in droves.  i’ve killed at lease a dozen of them in the past month.   last weekend, one of our friends actually petted (petted!!)  one, stating that it was a ‘leopard slug’, or something.  unless it’s wearing a leopard fur coat, i don’t want it on my fucking patio. 

neighbor betsey.  i’m pretty sure we’re meant to be besties.  oh my god, betsey my bestie!!  gross.  it’s too perfect.  she lives across the street.  long black hair, long bangs, super-skinny, retardedly hip…god forbid i ever actually meet her and she reads this blog.  i would die.  like, die-die, not like ‘i die’-die.  jesus christ, how horrifying!  i mean, it could happen, right?!  k-fed stood on my FRONT LAWN last weekend for god’s sake!  you just never know what may happen….

 

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dear audra…

posted by:  audra

i was fretting that you were thinking of doing something stupid; so, just in case…

  • shampoos that claim to extend the life of your color-treated hair don’t stop the growth of your hair.  or your ‘ultra-platinum’ roots.
  • worms are disgusting & will ruin your brick patio.  i don’t know of an organic method to kill them, other than slicing them in half…but when i do, i’ll let you know.
  • marley dies at the end of marley & me, regardless of what your friends may tell you.  they are lying, and you’ll sob till your eyes puff up into unrecognizable globs of flesh.
  • beth ditto is the new jesus.
  • if you’re a dirty hippie & work at new seasons, don’t tell the “goth” girl that she’s wearing too much makeup.  it’s bad form & makes you look like even more of an asshole than your retarded hemp necklace-thing.  who asked you anyway?!  the day a drag queen tells me i’m wearing too much makeup will be the only day i start to cut back.  fuck you!  i’m still pissed. 
  • stop wasting your time on friends who don’t treat you with the love & respect you give them!  i can’t stress this enough, & i’m disgusted with myself that i’ve put up with shitty friends yet again.  will they check on you when you’re sick?  no.  will they respond to your embarrassing drunk-texts?  no.  will they call you to apologize because they’re being retarded?  no.  be done with them!  i am. 
  • boy joy is awesome live, but NOT OKAY to listen to recreationally! 
  • tell your friends to fuck off if they tell you that the notebook is a bad movie.  okay, it IS kind of bad…but it’s so good at the same time.
  • echo has an amazing happy hour, decent menu, delicious pumpkin gnocchi…and the music there is like our ipod on shuffle.  heart, heart!
  • vacuum the dark & scary places in your house.  sometimes icky, poisonous spiders reside there & may shock you with their presence at 2:30am.  don’t become a victim!
  • setting your cocktail down on the side of the tub while bathing is gambling with fate!  make sure you keep a stern eye on that shit, and don’t let it slide into the bath & shatter into a zillion pieces.  do you really want bloody footprints on the floor in the morning after your shower?!  think about it! 
  • speaking of broken glass….  for god’s sake, if you have a tommy-tippy vase full of flowers or whatever–and you’re drunk–don’t go anywhere near it! 
  • it’s october & the purr-fect time to be listening to clinic.  any album–but walking with thee  is the bestest for the season.  don’t worry; it’s not a jesus record.  i hope. 
  • shannon wright dyed in the wool   is also delicious this time of year.  turn it up super-loud on a cold, rainy day.  you’re welcome!
  • the hot girl with bangs & black hair across the street…?  her name is betsy.  BETSY!!!  how cute is that?!   but don’t be fooled; she WILL  see you do embarrassing things…like swatting at an insect on your patio chair with a shoe at 2am without makeup & wearing a fleece.  watch yourself at ALL TIMES.  there’s always someone there seeing you being an idiot!  YOU!  you’re the idiot!  be careful!  just sayin…
  • …and kevin federline across the street?  he’s ALWAYS there, watching your back.  respect him.
  • never, EVER “settle down”.  it is LAME & not necessary!  do you think vivienne westwood & betsey johnson are going to “settle down”?!  no!  don’t be lame.  just because you’re of a “certain age” doesn’t mean you have to stop being cool!  if i turn into a mommy who wears juicy couture, drives a suburban & dines at the olive garden…please make me a paraquat cocktail, isabella blow style.

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dear audra…

posted by:  audra

who doesn’t need advice every now & then?!  i haven’t any askings for advice yet, but the psychic sally in me knows you need to know this stuff…and i am wise from experience!  so, here you go; everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask:

  • for god’s sake, if you have a vadge-doctor appointment, but don’t really know if he’s going to have to take a look-see at your naughty bits…DON’T waste your time veeting the morning-of, and then spend two days sweating in skinny jeans moving into a house;  it makes for unsightly results.
  • …and if you do find yourself in this unsavory position, rub some hydrocortisone on your accident twice daily & it should be cleared up in a snap! 
  • do not eat an entire bag of pork rinds in two days by yourself.  it’s gross & will wreak serious havoc on your body.
  • don’t assume that your future, awesome landlords have thoroughly cleaned your new dwelling.  there may be ants, crumbs & long strands of foreign hair in places you’d never suspect.
  • funemployment does have its perks.  but spending all day–maybe 3 in a row without leaving the house–in a place that’s a total disaster, but you can’t do anything will make you go really fucking crazy.
  • when all else fails, drinking is usually a good idea.
  • people generally don’t think you’re a freak if you go out without makeup…even if you’re one of those people that do, indeed, need makeup!
  • and, if you’re reeeeally feeling frisky, try going out in jeans & a tee…maybe even flats!  you will amaze your friends with your courage.
  • if you’re a girl, and work at a reputable & popular local pizza joint, please don’t wear jeans to your workplace so low that it shows where you shaved your short & curlies.  it’s gross.
  • …but at least she shaved!  groom that shit!
  • jillian michaels WILL change your life!  or, at least your body.  it sucks actually doing the work, but you could be hot!  yes, YOU!  or, me…just put down the bottle of vodka, pick up your inhaler & get to work!
  • sleeping until 11am & watching a marathon of ‘a haunting’ on the discovery channel on mondays will not make you feel smarter or more productive. 
  • …but it just may stir up a little something in that could-be-haunted-house of yours. 
  • watch foreign horror films!  they are ALWAYS better than the american ones, you’ll feel cool AND they are really fucking scary! 
  • if you are out of philosophy bubble bath, just dump some baking soda or epsom salts into the tub.  you’ll still be without bubbles, but your skin will be super-soft!  and, i’ve heard that epsom salts help rid your body of excess water retention! 
  • treat your friends as well or better than you treat your family.
  • never accept ugly people as your friends.  afterall, your friends are a direct reflection of yourself!
  • leave a treat for your neighborhood bottle-goblins.  they are the ones who know you’re the alcoholic on the street, and you wouldn’t want that getting around now, would you?!  be nice to them, and they’ll be nice to you.  put your bottles out early, and leave the ones with deposits on top!  wine & gin bottles go on the bottom…it’s that easy!
  • it’s wise not to invite stray, attractive dogs into your yard.  you will only want to keep them after they sit on your feet & lick your hand!  best to just let them tinkle on your grass & off they go.
  • lean cuisine paninis take EXACTLY 2 minutes & 45 seconds in the micro!  do not stray from that recommendation!
  • if there is a painting in your house that suddenly smells odd, move it.  it’s probably pissed that you put it there & just needs a change of scenery.
  • it is NEVER okay to go out looking dumpy!  nevermind what i said about it being okay to be going out without makeup & sporting frump-wear!  it was bullshit & an oversight on my part.  you never know who you will run into, and you should ALWAYS LOOK LIKE YOU’RE GOING SOMEPLACE BETTER LATER!!  i live by this, and it has yet to let me down.
  • whiskey is usually a bad idea!  it will make you act retarded & you’ll have to apologize the next day for being an asshole. 
  • speaking of drinking…  drunk-facebooking, myspacing & ESPECIALLY drunk-texting is ALWAYS BAD!  you know it is, i know it is, and we’ve all done it.  so knock it off!
  • drunk-blogging is okay.
  • you’re more attractive than you think you are!  stop spending hours picking at invisible things on your face, and spend that time shaving your arms instead.  but girls only–boys without arm-hair is creepy!
  • close your closet doors at night, and always, ALWAYS put the fucking lid down on the loo.   and when you leave your home for an extended period of time, place stoppers in all your drains…otherwise all the good chi will go flying out of there while you’re gone!
  • ALWAYS TIP WELL!  i can’t say this enough.  i always tip at LEAST 20 or 25%, even if i get the worst service–which is NEVER–and i believe it’s just good-tipping karma.  do it!  i guarantee you’ll get excellent service in less than a month if you just start tipping better! 
  •  never, ever, EVER wear baby-backpacks.  i fucking hate, hate, hate them….and they just look stupid.

you’ll thank me later, and you’re welcome!

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