Tag Archives: resolutions

new rezzies

posted by:  audra

oopsies!  i meant to post my newest resolutions way earlier.  like always, i’m taking the same ones from rezzies past & evaluating them first.  oooh, i can’t wait!  let’s get started…

*lose weight  i lost 10lbs over the year & gained it back.  go me.  that’s what i’m famous for, & i didn’t let myself down.  again.  but! i have been doing jillian michaels since last week & lost 3lbs.,  but then i followed it up with excessive drinking & eating copious amounts of un-named fast food…and STILL lost another half-pound! 

*drink less i have done this.  for realsies!  i can still drink any one of you fuckers under the table, but i’ve curbed my addiction slightly!  or perhaps i’ve just been drinking stronger things…so i can drink less…technically…but really i’m drinking more.  whatever.

*gossip less  yes.  did this, too!  i still gossip like the dickens, but i HAVE been doing it less! 

*buy more lusciously tall shoes  actually, sadly, i’ve been wearing flats & kitten heels more.  not because i don’t want to be teetering around precariously, but because i’ve been retardedly broke!  and walking places!  and the floors in some of my favorite bars are sloped and/or slippery & dangerous! 

*investigate hair bleaching  again, yes!  and i did it right before the year’s end!  it’s NOT impossible to strip years of black from your hair!  step-by-step instructions coming soon!

*buy a good meat cleaver  i’d actually forgotten about this one.  this year for sure.

*have dinner & drinks with the friends we always talk about going out with & never do  done!  at least most of you!  i love you–you know who you are!

*possibly try & get more sleep  since being unemployed has left me with lots of time on my hands, this one too is accomplished!  i slept till 11 today! 

*become bffs with m-k  duh!  just check out the picture above!  it’s proof!  what? 

*learn to play my guitar again  sort of!  AND i’ve accumulated a bass!  and apparently i’m going to be in a band!  with real musicians!  and i have bass lessons lined up! 

*fashion a coke-nail out of my left pinkie  i grew out all of my nails to a  perfect length long enough to snort whatever your heart desired out of, & sam was horrified when i used one of them as a screwdriver.  i cut them after i discovered typing & texting just weren’t the same.

*roast a pheasant  still no.  sigh.

*wear more hats  lame!  i’m getting rid of this one.  although, i’mma find a way to integrate my new, beautiful headdress into my wardrobe this year! 

new ones:

*investigate going eyebrow-less!  or at least grow them out & see what happens now that i don’t have black hair.  i tried it once in the privacy of my own bathroom, & it was very beth ditto…just not sure if i’d venture out like that.  what’s worse though: going out without brows, or going out with brows you draw on with a stencil?!  the mind quails.

*make bffs with a tranny  if you think this is rude & inappropriate, think again my little judgmental scabie!  who else could i put on ludicrous amounts of makeup with, go shoe shopping with, play dress-up with & then have a double-penetration threesome with without a strap-on?!  see…see??   what.  i want one.

*go totally, completely platinum  give me just a little grow-out time, a trim & another bleaching treatment & it will happen.  very soon.  get excited.

*convince my mom NOT to sign up to facebook  shudder. 

*learn all of lady gaga’s dance moves  i think this one speaks for itself.

*get a job  i think this one speaks for itself as well.  it’s SUCH a struggle though!  after a few months of looking, you just start to feel like a doomed loser.  and when no one else has a job either, it kind of makes you feel okay!  so it’s easy to slack-off!  it’s terrible.  i would only wish it upon a few people. 

that’s all, babies!  i think it’s best to keep it a little more on the modest side, don’t you?

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the dress

posted by:  audra

the other…week, i went to see a very dear friend at the vintage store at which she’s employed.  my first plan of action was to see her face; the second was to find something spectacular to wear for my annual day of worship–my birthday. 

right away i found the most perfect piece:  1940s (or whatever) baby-blue sheath dress, beaded all over, in really good condition.  capped sleeves, mid-calf length.  it had some ‘foo’ on it; some discoloration from years of wear, or a champagne toast gone awry.  the hem was a little frayed, but nothing a sharp pair of scissors wouldn’t fix.  the best part?  it was under twenty bucks.  believe it!  i was in love. 

i’m against trying garments on in stores.  i hate it.  i would rather deal with the hassle of returning or exchanging than to go into a tiny fitting room, smelling of moist armpits & vadge sweat, fucking up my hair, only to look into an unflattering mirror intensifying my cellulite under fluorescent lighting.  gross.  who wants to mess with that? 

so, i hold the dress up to my waist.  i’ve learned the fine art of holding things up to me, to see if they fit, without trying them on.  i’ve always been 100% accurate.  did you know that if you hold a dress (or whatever) up to your front, and can fit it halfway around you, then it will fit?   the waist of the blue baby fit perfectly.  i pulled it across my chest.  again, perfect. 

the dress makes it safely back to our home, where i try on my other treasures first.  everything’s good.  i step into the dress, and it hugs my hips in a non-hideous way, making me look thinner somehow.  the top fits as well.  the shoulder parts fall in just the right places. 

fuck.  the zipper won’t go up.

it won’t.  even.  move.

my back is FAT.  my back!  fat! 

i’m spilling over like a heavy-loaded fruit tree.

whatever.  stupid fucking vintage garments & their fucked up proportions! 

filthy tight, the dress is filthy.

but look at these fucking beads!

i went hunting in my closet for something else to wear.  remember that short, flared skirt i used to wear?  the black one?  kind of woolly?  yes, here it is.  i pull it on. 

i can’t get it fucking buttoned.  at ALL.   i don’t even want to think  of attempting to put on my favorite size 6  halter dress from several years ago.

but it’s feeling so damn tight tonight.

so, okay.  look.  i’ve been over this a gabillion times, but for god’s sake!  i truly believe that i will be forever self-sabotaging myself.  when we first moved in september, i took walks.  all the time.  sometimes two, three times a day.  i’d get up early.  i worked out.  jillian michels 30-day shred!  i was so sore the first week, i could barely move.  my weight was the lowest it’s been in 2 years.   my muffin-top was gone. 

then the weather got sort of crappy, & i started sleeping in.  i skipped working out, and sat looking for a job instead.  i drank a LOT of beer.  i may have had some cheese, too. 

is this common, the up-down weighty issues?  i’ve done it for as long as i can remember…and when i was at a weight close to 130lbs seven years ago with a shaved head, i didn’t think i’d ever gain weight again.  but i did, lost it, gained it back, about five times over.  so what if i fancy hot dogs, bacon & a pat of butter every now & then?  if i’ve said it once, i’ve said it seventy-seven times: i’m not an over-eater!  i’m an over-drinker.  maybe my food choices aren’t the best all the time.  and i’m lazy.  do you even know what kind of damage that combination can do to your chins?!

last year my goal was to lose a bunch of weight, get skinny & bleach my hair to look like debbie harry in the 70s.  do you know how many layers of black hair-dye i have on my head?!  too many to ever be that blonde.  perhaps i need something a little more realistic, like fitting into the dress?  or, at least my old, flared black skirt.  gross…is this me making the new years resolutions already?!

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ocd, a bad attitude & mid-year resolutions

posted by:  audra

in an attempt to start june off with a better attitude, i’ve made a little listy-loo for myself of things to accomplish this month.  as an added bonus, i’ll be including some of the stupider things i’ve done in recent memory…because we all love to hear about others’ failures.  sort of like a mid-year resolution list.  and anyway, we hate it when our friends become successful, right?  it’s true.  morrissey doesn’t lie!

what?  whatever.  okay, here we go:

*i will start working out.  even though it’s hot & i hate sweating, i am getting fat girl arms and it’s terrible.  i have also developed a built-in plate holder on my midsection.  gross.  i know i say it all the time, but things are getting out of control.

*i will not pull over on the side of a dusty gravel road out in the middle of nowhere & urinate on my kate spade flats.  again.

*i should stop smoking in the car.

*i will not order any more fruity, sugar-rimmed bitch drinks at the bar, just because they’re different from an extra-clean ketel martini.  i’ll stick with the big girl drinks.  thanks, but no thanks.

*next time i play pinochle with the parents, i’ll wear elbow pads to avoid any unsightly blistering.

*whilst cleaning out the car, i’ll remember that i wadded up two semi-sharp cheese knives in a zip-loc & stuck them in the glove box.  when i remember this, i’ll surely be able to not hastily grab the baggie, compact it down with my knee, & pierce a hole through my jeans & knee…then cutting the shit out of my fingertip.  also, note to self:  keep band-aids & bactine in the car.

*i’ll get drunk by myself more often & watch pretty in pink on repeat for several hours.  i haven’t done this in so long that i feel like i’m losing myself!

*i will not stop telling you all ‘i told you so’ when you fuck up.  because i’m right, you know i’m right, i’m always right, and knew i was right from the start.  i always look out for your best interests…and anyway, who loves you more than any of your other loser friends?!  me!  i do!  i love you!

*i’ll start being more honest about not liking slumdog millionaire.  i keep saying, ‘oh, it was good…not that great…i liked it alright.’  but i really didn’t like it!  it was annoying.  it seemed long.  it was a stupid love story.  it made me feel gross.  god, i need a rape-shower just thinking about it.

*i’ll keep making fun of our neighbor with the ocd tendencies:  flipping the patio light on & off a certain number of times, flicking the locks on her sliding glass door & window repeatedly before retiring to bed for the evening, talking to herself…it’s ridiculous.  shit drives me mad.  that bitch is crazy & desperately needs some meds.

*we will blog more often.  for realsies.  just like in the beginning…remember?

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audra: le xxx-mas dîner, resolutions & a coke-nail

had i been planning better, i would’ve pulled the camera out earlier last week, gotten off my ass & posted some sort of something for you to feast your eyes upon. but, of course, instead of using my snow days productively, sam & i laid about.  a lot.  aside from watching caligula & what we do is secret – twice, i have no idea what we actually did last week.  but i did discover that i wanna eat shane west even more so now after seeing secret.  even with his totally fucked-up-darby-teeth, he’s so delicious.  i no longer have to use a walk to remember as a masturbatory tool.  thank heavens.  that was getting embarrassing.

but anyway.   sam & i had a lovely christmas at home, relatively drama-free.  i even took some really gorgeous photographs of the super sexy standing rib roast with roasted fennel & crème brûlée…but it as it turns out, i was drunk, & the pictures didn’t turn out so hot.

i’m really lacking for material here, but i was thinking of doing up my annual resolution list.  it’s about that time, kids.  i think i’ll keep some of the same ones i’ve used in the past…you know, the easy ones, such as ‘fashion coke-nail out of left pinkie’ & ‘become best friends with an olsen twin’.  i should even keep the ‘lose 20 pounds’, but perhaps add ‘and gain back by next december’.  that’s sure to come to fruition…otherwise i’m just setting myself up for disappointment, right?

okay.  let’s get it over with…

*lose weight it’s terribly cliché, right?  but two years ago i resolved to lose 20 lbs & succeed, only to gain it back this year.  gross.

*drink less last year i said i would drink less only during the work week, & that it would not, under any circumstance, include nights of shows or anything social.  so then i resolved to drink more.  well, it’s gotten me all fat again, so maybe i just fucked myself there.

*gossip less this one is leftover from last year, too…but you didn’t hear that from me.

*buy more lusciously tall shoes because short girls can never be too tall.

*investigate hair bleaching although i have so much black hair dye in my locks that it would totally turn orange.  sigh. but i really wanna get skinny & morph myself into debbie harry in the 70’s.

*buy a good meat cleaver i don’t have one.  i need it.

*have dinner & drinks with the friends we always talk about going out with & never do i miss you.  you know who you are, you greasy little pepperonis!

*possibly try & get more sleep because after several drinks & some roofies, i’m no longer able to dream lucidly.

*become bffs with m-k or at least meet an olsen.  that would be okay, too.  i’ll settle for even seeing one from afar.

*learn to play my guitar again.  and better this time.

*fashion a coke-nail out of my left pinkie seems easy enough.  i could make it cool.  i could.

*roast a pheasant lame.  i can’t believe i didn’t accomplish that this year.

*wear more hats i have an enormous vintage hat collection inherited from sam’s glamorous great-grammy, & never wear them.   i’ll start wearing all my brooches, too, maybe.  & with my new coke-nail!  brilliant!

i think that about does it…wasn’t that fun?  i’m getting all sweaty just thinking about it.  for the moments leading up to the end of the year in mere hours, here’s some inspiration i’ve hunted down for myself…

june cleavers

pheasant!

new bff

future me

isabella blow. my hat idol. and in a mac store!

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