Monthly Archives: April 2009

weekend update in the form of self-diagnosis

posted by:  audra

another painful monday, yet again.  i am functioning on 4 hours of sleep.  four hours! i really have no idea how i was able to get myself out of bed this morning…sam & i really tied one on yesterday/last night!  and we didn’t even go out; our sunday consisted of sleeping till 1:00, lazing about for a few hours, pounding enough water to cancel out the alcohol from the night before, & then drink commencement.  in the drunken cloud of sunday, we managed an embarrassing round of scrabble (embarrassing for me, anyway), the making of this awesome culinary invention, & watching a semi-naughty movie that kept the gusset of my non-existent knickers moist for the entire 90 minutes of the film.

more drinking ensued.  still drinking well after midnight, & in anticipation of getting up at 5:30, i started to panic.  because i know it sucks to be at work incredibly hungover, tired, nauseated…sigh.  this is not new to me.  but this going to bed at 1am, drunk, on a sunday night, is.

usually it’s more like midnight, which is entirely different.

so, sam & i like to drink.  a lot.  so what?  we have always stood firmly on the belief that we know we are not alcoholics because of these things:

*we don’t drink to escape.  we drink because drinking is fun & makes us more fun to be around.  everyone benefits!

*we have concluded that if we really wanted to, we could each stop drinking at any time & not go through withdrawals.  we wouldn’t be as fun or social, but it is possible.

*we do not wake up in the morning & start hitting the bottle of ketel one.

*we drink ketel.

*we don’t take shots or drink our vodka straight from a large plastic cup like the poor pathetic addicts on intervention do.

*only champagne causes us to fight, & only once has it resembled a scene out of who’s afraid of virginia woolf?.

*we don’t drink for the sole purpose of getting drunk.  although it happens frequently, we just enjoy drinking just for the drinking part.

but then i got to thinking…does all this make us functioning alcoholics?!  i wasn’t all that familiar with the term – other than tossing it around with a smirk every now & then – so i did some investigation work.

courtesy of google, a random “medical” website & the help of  my vodka-soaked brain, i learned that a high-functioning alcoholic is such:

An HFA (high-functioning alcoholic)  is an alcoholic who is able to maintain his or her outside life, such as a job, home, family, and friendships, all while drinking alcoholically. HFAs have the same disease as the stereotypical “skid-row” alcoholic, but it manifests or progresses differently. Many HFAs are not viewed by society as being alcoholic, because they have succeeded and over-achieved throughout their lifetimes. These achievements often lead to an increase in personal denial as well as denial from colleagues and loved ones. HFAs are less apt to feel that they need treatment for their alcoholism and often slide through the cracks of the health care system, both medically and psychologically, because they are not diagnosed.

well?  there you go!  not even a high-functioning alcoholic!  if we had this dreaded disease, clearly we would be in denial.  but here i am, putting it out there & evaluating the magnitude of our drinking.  just for funsies.  or maybe that is the denial part?!  shit.  ooh, the mind quails!  discuss.


martha (& george)


Filed under potpourri

Wait for it… wait for it…

posted by:  Sam

I’m not sure how much longer I can stand waiting for this album.  It’s killing me.

Leave a comment

Filed under Music, Video

indeed, what WERE they thinking…?!

posted by:  audra

i was milling through an online gossip rag, in the celebrity fashion section.  embarrassing, right?  where the fuck do they find these trolls?!  the critics, i mean.  seriously!  they just don’t know their shit.  at all.  and it got me so worked up & so fucking pissed that i couldn’t handle another second & had to put it to work.  i know it’s not vogue or harper’s…but it still just made me so mad!  let’s look…

exhibit a:  lady gaga.  i’m not wild about her in general, but really admire her fashion courageousness.  she’s always in some costume-y ensemb & almost always looks stunning.  i really liked this one, & the caption on it was this:

“love her or hate her, there’s no denying lady gaga’s unique sense of style. however, in this particular case, unique doesn’t mean fabulous; it means ugly.”

i swear to you, if i owned this dress & it didn’t exacerbate the genetic betrayal that is my legacy…it would be the going-out dress!  the sunglasses are retarded, but the hat & dress are just so. fucking. cute.  love.  i’m just livid they didn’t even mention the designer’s name.  of course!


exhibit b:  madonna in louis vuitton.  i’ve mentioned this one before, and this was actually found in the “worst of the year” section.  it’s green!  feathers!  vuitton!  madonna!  sigh…

exhibit c:  mary-kate olsen.  it’s my girl!  and here they were ragging on her for her “pale skin” & looking like “courtney love”…and i love me some courtney, but this had malicious intent.  that’s two fucking blows to my heart in one photo!  m-k looks so amazing here…and her pale skin?  it’s healthy & not sun-damaged or spray-tanned!  gross!  stop doing that, you guys!  pasty is tasty!

exhibit d:  rachel bilson.  delicious.  i love her…so gorgeous.  in this one they couldn’t stop ragging on her “hiding her frame under a foul phillip lim creation” & “clunky christian louboutin booties”.  ten bucks says that if she would’ve been wearing something form-fitting or whatever, they would have said she should…you know, “eat something”…  sigh!

exhibit e:  drew barrymore.  here she’s at the premiere of the grey gardens remake.  i hate drew.  i really, really do…but she looks really film-appropriate here, don’t you think?   never mind the horrendously awful little edie portrayal she did…the dress & hairpiece are lovely.  edie would’ve loved it, too!

exhibit f:  bobby trendy.  say yes for pink!  he’s obnoxious, but i adore him.  and admire anyone who would wear this out.  fucking rad!

exhibit f:  kat von d.  love!  so fucking hot:  she wears tons of makeup, has tons of tattoos, wears mostly black & is terribly good-looking.  what is not to love?!  this website in question called her an “exhibitionist” & told her to “put her shirt back on”.  and then! one asshole made this comment on the photo:  “i love her too but she is getting a little chubby and needs to give up those pants!”  for real!  god, i hate people.

there.  i feel much better now.  it’s just all very frustrating…  whilst watching red carpet events on the telly, celebrities get ragged on for looking boring like this…but chastised when taking fashion risks like this.  so exhausting!  wear what you want, my little fashion tartlettes!  and for god’s sake, if you see a fashion blogger who rips apart my dita like this…turn your christian lacroix’d ass around & head the other direction.  good night.


Filed under celebrity gossip, fashion

film school!

posted by: audra

i have to credit sam for discovering this one…new favorite band!  film school.  amazing.  sort of i love you but i’ve chosen darkness-y.  brilliant. and what the fuck, you guys?!  we totally just missed them in portland with british sea power…for whatever reason.  perhaps it was a school night?  whatever.  there is no excuse for that.  oh, the shame…

you know what else is shameful?  they’ve been around forever!  and the ‘latest’ record?  released in 2007!  i know, right?!  catch up!  we’re so far behind, we think we’re first.

whatever.  people make mistakes.  even the perfect ones, like us.  just watch the performance below, & allow us this one.

Leave a comment

Filed under Music

dear minion…

posted by:  audra

i’m so sorry, my little loyal art chokers.  we have really put the lazy into lame recently, yeah?  well.  sam & i have gotten all kinds of flack from a few of you…you know who you are!   and we live to make you happy.  really.  so, here you go…

okay, pour a drink & sit yourself down…it’s time for the latest installment of new stuff i want!  i just read about these things in the news:

mac fix + rose. described it like this:

“…designed to both refresh and finish makeup with a cooling burst of hydration that adds radiance to even the most caked-on foundation.”

totally sold!  doesn’t that sound like something you can’t possibly live without?!    also, they are going to be adding 100 percent natural rose water as part of mac’s new rose romance collection.  ooh la lohan!  delicious, right?!  i particularly really hate the summer months for its sweat-producing qualities, but this mist sounds like a real face-saver.  yes it does!

and theeen, i saw these little gems of lipstick love:  rouge g de guerlain. yes, the case is a little ridiculous & excessive, & i would probably fight with it all the time, just like the tarte pressed mineral powder compact debacle (did i tell you about that?!  don’t buy it!  it’s orangy & the packaging is retarded.  i returned it.)…but whatever.  it’s so cute & glamorous! supposedly, there are ground ruby crystals(!) in the formula to diffract light & such…tiger grass for a fuller lip effect…and wild mango butter to lube up your lips real good.  i’m more of a gloss girl, but i totally have to buy me one of these!  even if it’s only to say, “how do you like my new lip rouge?”  i just really like saying rouge.

anyway.  next!

mac prep + prime transparent finish powder.  okay, so this isn’t really new…but i haven’t used it yet, and it sounds fucking brilliant!  a finishing powder that invisibly sets makeup.  it’s supposed to keep you matte & make your pores look…well, way smaller.  whilst i’m at it, i have been using dr. brandt pores no more, & speaking of fucking brilliant, it is!  i am a greasy little piggie at times, but since i’ve been using this little miracle (a deluxe sample courtesy of sephora), my pores seem more refined & i don’t really have to powder my nose as often.  it feels really nice going on…like a dry cream or something, only without being dry.  i don’t know.  just buy it.

and just one more thing!  two actually.  these are sort of embarrassing.  well, really embarrassing, & kind of gross…but i really want this & this! whatever…say what you will about the pedegg, but i’ve heard really good things! i met this woman in a crappy little sports bar down the street from our place, & she said that it’s awesome…aside from dumping out the “parmesan cheese” leftover.  oh well! it’s better than sitting on the living room floor with a metal foot exfoliator in one hand & a towel in the other!

wow.  this post went downhill fast.  maybe next up is the smooth away review?

1 Comment

Filed under makeup

pregnant women are smug

posted by: audra

this is just too awesome to not share!  enjoy.  you’re welcome.

Leave a comment

Filed under Video

Music For Men

posted by:  Sam

It’s official!  The new Gossip album, Music For Men, is out in June!  This pleases me.  It was produced by Rick Rubin… which makes me slightly nervous.  I’m sure it will be fantastic, unless he has turned them in an over-produced hit factory that radio will overplay and ruin me on the band forever.  That might damn near kill me.  Fingers are crossed.

Tour dates are apparently being announced soon also, and rumor has it they are playing the Capitol Hill Block Party this summer in Seattle… with, Sonic Youth!  I think I might pass out.  I’m there.

Leave a comment

Filed under Music


posted by:  Sam & audra

audra:  you’re cordially invited into our home for a round of “surprises”.  the game of surprises involves one person picking random records you haven’t heard in awhile, or just can’t bear to not hear right this very second…without the other knowing until they can tell what it is.  then vice versa.  this is a live play-by-play by your two favorite drunkards & their favorite past-time.

…and, we’re drinking vodka on the rocks & drunk-blogging.  i think this is going to be good.  or really embarrassing.

Sam:  Probably really embarrassing.

audra:  okay, me first.  sleater-kinney!  all hands on the bad one.  god, this reminds me of when we had those separate apartments in the same complex, except that we would switch off staying at each other’s places…so we didn’t really live apart.  remember when we stayed in my futon all fucking day, unshowered, to watch a real world marathon?!  gross.  ‘the swimmer’ i said was my theme song.  so dramatic.

Sam: Yes… and “the bed”??!!  Gross, but equally awesome.  I had this disgusting twin bed, and the two of us tried desperately to squeeze into it.  It was terrible.  We would take all the blankets, pillows, and extra padding we could find and make “the bed” on my living room floor.  We’d spend days in that shit.  We are disgusting pigs.  I loved it though.  We’d fall asleep to Deep Forest or Delirium or Enigma (gross, right!?) and wake up and do nothing but watch marathons of The Real World or Bug Juice…. Sick!  This Sleater-Kinney record reminds me of that apartment so much.  Remember listening to it while eating turkey sandwiches on the patio and drinking tequila sunrises?  Oh god…

audra:  bug juice!!!  that shit was fucking awesome.  but maybe that’s the pedophile in me.  i know…and those cats.  taco?  orangy?  where are they now?  si?!  short for siamese.  of course.  crazy dana with her fucking kink-neck.  what a case.  anyway…  next!

Sam:  … Outkast!  This record reminds me so much of our real first place together.  Especially the time we spent there with Eddie & Sarah.  The dance parties to this record, ahh… The picture of Eddie & I dancing in the living room where his arm looks broken?!  Or, the Thanksgiving we spent there and had to throw away the turkey because it turned out raw even after it cooked for like 8 hours??!!

audra:  yeah.  that was terrible.  some poor turkey had to die just to sail down our trash chute!  shoot.

Sam:  God, that was terrible!  But really fucking funny now!  Nick Cave is on now!  Oh, how I heart Nick Cave.  “Murder Ballads” to be exact.  I love this album.  It’s so tragic.  I love tragedy.  Just not when it happens to me.  What is really tragic is, this record reminds me of an old friend.  One whom we don’t really speak to anymore.  Sad.

audra:  you’re welcome.  for the trashbin destined turkey & for the nick cave.  i love this record.  nicky is [one of] the only one[s] who can make murder sound so damn sexy.  ‘stagger lee’?!  sigh!  and i have reoccuring fantasies about dueting with him on ‘henry lee’.  i love the peej, but she can go fuck herself whilst nick ravages me & talks of tossing a boy down a deep well.  delicious.  oh, that friend.  yes.  fuck you, too.

….is that ani difranco i hear?!  to the teeth?  sweet jesus.  you bought this for me for my 19th birthday.  we barely knew each other, & yet you brought music & a bottle of good gin over.  bless you.  i’m not wild about a whole lot of ani, but this record is amazing…’soft shoulder’ is my favorite!  it has a slight bluesy bit to it & is so heartbreaking.  i would listen to it on repeat for hours…really.  late into the night long after you’d gone home.  i still love it.

Sam:  I remember giving you that CD and drinking that entire bottle of gin.  Oh god, we thought seeing her live was going to be so incredible.  I don’t remember much of that show, we were pretty hammered and totally high off of the excitement we had just found out we were going to Europe for free.  I don’t remember a lot of that show.  Damn.  Speaking of damn… you just put on Sophie B. Hawkins… definitely time for a cigarette.  Ugh!

audra:  shut.  the fuck.  up.  sophie b is rad.  early stuff, of course.  tongues & tails totally shaped me!  i should’ve added it to my facebook picks.  oh well.  anyway, you can’t deny that ‘damn, i wish i was your lover’ isn’t totally sexy!  it is!  really!  and her cover of dylan’s ‘i want you’?!  amazing.  i know it better than the original, & am not completely ashamed to say i would consider karaoke for that song.  believe it!  i will admit that it is totally embarrassing now, but, i was like 11 or 12 when i bought that record for the first time.  and, you can’t tell me you don’t think the hansel & gretel song isn’t hot!

Sam:  Hot or not, I can’t listen to it with out wanting to laugh.  I think your Sophie B. is my Sinead O’ Connor, and as much as I would like to listen to “I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got” or “Universal Mother” right now… I am being nice and picking another fave.  Kate  Bush: “Hounds Of Love”.  Oh. Muh God.  I fucking love this record.  ‘Cloudbusting’ is my jam.

audra:  that was really nice of you!  thank you.  i heart hounds of love.  real hard.  ‘cloudbusting’ is amazing.  i wish i had something really good to say right now, but i’m going on being up for 22 hours & am getting a wee bit tipsier than i’d maybe hoped…  but anyway, back to kate — there are very few things better than ‘running up that hill’…radio single or not.  loves!

well, my pretties, it’s been fun…but we’re drunk & off to bed.  thank you for joining us.  this is to be continued, of course!  you’re excited.  kisses on all your naughty bitses & sweet dreamers, our little creamers!

game over.


Filed under Music