Tag Archives: beards are gross

airplanes

posted by:  audra

my new favorite band + gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous video = something you need.  tragic, yet sorrowfully amazing lyrics….love love love!  makes me wanna heart my family just a little bit more whilst they’re around.

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updates coming soon! believe it!

we love you, our loyal readers!  we’ve been so terribly, completely, ridiculously busy that we just haven’t made time to post.  sorry.  but, audra got a job!  a real one with a crazy-awesome boss, an office with an actual door, and unlimited bathroom breaks!  and sam is onto bigger & amazing-er things with a new business venture!  we have lots to tell….lots.  brace yourselves.  xxo

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new rezzies

posted by:  audra

oopsies!  i meant to post my newest resolutions way earlier.  like always, i’m taking the same ones from rezzies past & evaluating them first.  oooh, i can’t wait!  let’s get started…

*lose weight  i lost 10lbs over the year & gained it back.  go me.  that’s what i’m famous for, & i didn’t let myself down.  again.  but! i have been doing jillian michaels since last week & lost 3lbs.,  but then i followed it up with excessive drinking & eating copious amounts of un-named fast food…and STILL lost another half-pound! 

*drink less i have done this.  for realsies!  i can still drink any one of you fuckers under the table, but i’ve curbed my addiction slightly!  or perhaps i’ve just been drinking stronger things…so i can drink less…technically…but really i’m drinking more.  whatever.

*gossip less  yes.  did this, too!  i still gossip like the dickens, but i HAVE been doing it less! 

*buy more lusciously tall shoes  actually, sadly, i’ve been wearing flats & kitten heels more.  not because i don’t want to be teetering around precariously, but because i’ve been retardedly broke!  and walking places!  and the floors in some of my favorite bars are sloped and/or slippery & dangerous! 

*investigate hair bleaching  again, yes!  and i did it right before the year’s end!  it’s NOT impossible to strip years of black from your hair!  step-by-step instructions coming soon!

*buy a good meat cleaver  i’d actually forgotten about this one.  this year for sure.

*have dinner & drinks with the friends we always talk about going out with & never do  done!  at least most of you!  i love you–you know who you are!

*possibly try & get more sleep  since being unemployed has left me with lots of time on my hands, this one too is accomplished!  i slept till 11 today! 

*become bffs with m-k  duh!  just check out the picture above!  it’s proof!  what? 

*learn to play my guitar again  sort of!  AND i’ve accumulated a bass!  and apparently i’m going to be in a band!  with real musicians!  and i have bass lessons lined up! 

*fashion a coke-nail out of my left pinkie  i grew out all of my nails to a  perfect length long enough to snort whatever your heart desired out of, & sam was horrified when i used one of them as a screwdriver.  i cut them after i discovered typing & texting just weren’t the same.

*roast a pheasant  still no.  sigh.

*wear more hats  lame!  i’m getting rid of this one.  although, i’mma find a way to integrate my new, beautiful headdress into my wardrobe this year! 

new ones:

*investigate going eyebrow-less!  or at least grow them out & see what happens now that i don’t have black hair.  i tried it once in the privacy of my own bathroom, & it was very beth ditto…just not sure if i’d venture out like that.  what’s worse though: going out without brows, or going out with brows you draw on with a stencil?!  the mind quails.

*make bffs with a tranny  if you think this is rude & inappropriate, think again my little judgmental scabie!  who else could i put on ludicrous amounts of makeup with, go shoe shopping with, play dress-up with & then have a double-penetration threesome with without a strap-on?!  see…see??   what.  i want one.

*go totally, completely platinum  give me just a little grow-out time, a trim & another bleaching treatment & it will happen.  very soon.  get excited.

*convince my mom NOT to sign up to facebook  shudder. 

*learn all of lady gaga’s dance moves  i think this one speaks for itself.

*get a job  i think this one speaks for itself as well.  it’s SUCH a struggle though!  after a few months of looking, you just start to feel like a doomed loser.  and when no one else has a job either, it kind of makes you feel okay!  so it’s easy to slack-off!  it’s terrible.  i would only wish it upon a few people. 

that’s all, babies!  i think it’s best to keep it a little more on the modest side, don’t you?

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another 4-letter word…

posted by:  audra

rain.  when i first moved to pdxoxo, i hated the rain.  i mean, hated.  i remember a particular instance–circa spring 2000–heading into safeway with sam, walking across the parking lot.  it was raining.  hard.  i said, “god, i can’t wait for this fucking rain to stop!  will it ever?!”  sam replied, “well, you moved to portland…get used to it.”  at the time, it made me so fucking mad.

then i started working in the service industry, where when it’s sunny outside, it brings people!

i hate people.  i do. 

so, in turn, i began associating sunny, warm days with annoying patrons–their little crumb-snatching crotch maggots in tow.  i would look forward to forecasts urging portlanders to “pack your umbrellas!  batten down the hatches!  it’s gonna get nasty!”   but when i started working a normal office job, i found the rain to irritate me.  it makes traffic worse.  it makes the product in my hair liquefy.  it could run a brow, given the direction of the wind. 

and now it just makes our fucking mudroom wet. 

several weeks ago, our roof started leaking.  i walked into the kitchen one hungover afternoon, to get some water.  i stood at the sink, looking into the mudroom through the window a la roseanne conner, & the ceiling was all water-stained, drips coming from above.  after poking sam a few times to coax him out of bed to go knock on our landlord’s studio door to fetch some help, some plastic was placed on the roof.  temporarily, of course, until a more permanent fix could be brought forth.  on a dry day, the roof was indeed fixed. 

it rained quite a bit over the following weeks & not a drop was dripped.  it was fixed!  amazing!  then last night after a massive downpour, it started leaking again, this time in new places & more enthusiastically.  the landlord came this morning to investigate, & was not happy–with his repair job or the leak in general.  just to be sure, he looked underneath the house (we have a dungeon!  it’s creepy!  like, where one would stash a body, should the need arise!), and checked the bathroom for any suspicious leaks. 

first he wanted to check the shower caulking.  i told him that it “might be gross”, as i hate cleaning the shower.  he pulled open the curtain, and there i saw a wad of my hair balled up on the shower floor.  gross.  i was horrified.  but i let it pass…he didn’t seem disturbed. 

this is when i took the opportunity to tell him about the phantom smell in the bathroom cabinet. 

remember the one?  the one i told you about?  the one that’s like mildewy towels left to rot in the washing machine on a 90 degree day, for like, a week?!  that one! 

he poked around in the cabinet area a bit, pushing aside moisturizers & kitten powders…then said that it was an old house, & that maybe it was something the previous (dirty fucking hippies!) tenants had put in there & that maybe it’d absorbed the smell.  typical.  then he said that it smelled good to him (i now stow incense in there), & not to worry about it.  he got kind of weird at this point, nervous, & said that maybe “baking soder” would get rid of some of the odor, if it was still a problem.

“did i just say baking soder?!

“yes, you did!” i giggle. 

“well, ha…you know, baking soda.

“oh, duh!  of course.  yes, i’ll try that.”

“well, it looks like everything’s okay in here!” 

meeting concluded.

later that evening, after said landlord gets on the roof to put up some more plastic, apologizing for it looking trashy, sam comes home.  we decide to leave the house for awhile.  first, i must use the loo–otherwise i’ll have to pee as soon as we shut the car doors. 

i’m going about business as usual, & glance down at the offending cabinet that was previously inspected by the landlord.  there i see, on the bottom shelf, gleaming like an oracle from baby jesus, my hot pink vibrator with spinning pearls in the shaft.  the ultra 2000 with the golden handle & varying speeds, out on display for all to see.   

oops.

rain will get you nowhere.

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bad faux-mance

posted by:  audra

uh oh, babies…i discovered today that i’ve committed a majorly terrible fashion faux-pas.  and before you go snickering about my white socks with hot pink sequined flats, cuffed jeans & furry coat…THAT was in the privacy of my own backyard and was NOT meant to be seen by my hot neighbors.  who are they to be looking through our transparent fence, anyway?  none of your fucking business, pervs!  ANYWAY, so today i finally heard the new lady gaga on le radio titled ‘bad romance’.  i nearly shat glitter & champagne corks.  isn’t it the bestest?!  she’s my new obsession.  i hated the gaga before, and have finally decided that she’s kind of amazing.  anyways…so of course i immediately checked youtube for the video–i’m quite taken with hers–and you know what i got?  wait for it…. 

…she DEBUTED bad romance  at the alexander mcqueen spring 2010 ready to wear show!!!  what the fuck?!  seriously?!  i  blogged this AGES ago, and who’s the retard that didn’t actually watch the show, but took the easy route & just looked at the pictures?!  god.  whatever.  here it is, and it’s quite amazing:

did you look at those fucking shoes?!  uh-mazing.  and speaking of arranging music for fashion shows….sam & i would be soooo good at it, you have no idea.  can you even imagine betsey johnson fall 2011 ready to wear with le tigre‘s the the empty  on the runway?!  please!  your head would explode!

 anyone steals my bj idea & you’re dead fucking meat. 

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current obsessions

posted by:  audra

apparently i’m real good at list-making.  it’s easier, maybe?  this one is not bulleted, but i have faith in you.

whatever, martha!  awesomest show EVER.  maybe not ever, but it’s close.  want to know a secret?  i kind of want to be martha stewart.  i do.  doesn’t every girl want to be attractive, make her own laundry detergent from garden soil, cultivate her own hybrid lilies, make halloween-themed pasta (riga-boni!!), AND launder the sheets every day?!  this show starring martha’s jaded daughter alexis and her adorable, sarcastic friend jennifer takes everything martha does & debunks it like the guys on ghost hunters…and it’s hilarious.  i heart it. 

right?!  fine living network, my domestically challenged beauties.  you will love it.  i promise.

black eyed peas meet me halfway.  god, i hate myself.   is this old-ish or new?  i don’t even know…but i do  know that every time i switch the radio to z100, it’s on.  which is embarrassingly often.  i can only take so much fever ray & animal collective, you know?  it’s SO good…but the video is terrible…brace yourselves:

i wonder if the yyy’s know that they totally stole that maps guitar thing?  hmm.  anyways, my absolute favorite, favorite, FAVORITE song of the moment is this:  the raveonettes breaking into cars: 

i think i put it on my myspace awhile ago…and calm yourself–there’s not a video just yet.  it’s fucking so delicious that i would totally die for them.  fucking BRILLIANT.  love, love, looove.  lyrics are simple, but the sound is dark & sexy like 60s film noir.  the whole record…even the more ludicrously titled songs like boys who rape (should all be destroyed).  a good portion of the tracks are about heartbreak & things you can’t have…always delicious.  i’m a total lyric snob, and upon first listen i thought it was rubbish.  but i kept listening, because they’re like my favorite band EVER, and i wanted to like it.  now i love it for real.  i do!  the raveonettes – in & out of control.  buy it now.  it will make you look cool…because they’re so amazing.  believe it!  what?  i need something to balance out the black eyed peas…

my shower.  when sam & i moved into the house in september, the shower water pressure was AWFUL.  it took ten minutes just to rinse all the shower gel out of my naughty bits.  it was really upsetting, considering our old shower would pelt your clit right off if you turned the water on all the way.  then, one random sunday, i turned on the shower and there was suddenly crazy awesome water pressure.  where did this come from?!  did someone switch a pressure switch?  my theory is that my household ghost was concerned for my well-being–i no longer could have precious “intimate” showers with myself.  now i can, once again.  it IS just deep crevice-cleaning with perks, afterall.  anywaysies!  not only does it come with that  now, but i can shower in half the time! 

pouring salt on slugs.  these fuckers are everywhere.  and i thought the spiders were bad!   now that the icky spiders have gone along their way, i’m now finding slugs on our back patio.  in droves.  i’ve killed at lease a dozen of them in the past month.   last weekend, one of our friends actually petted (petted!!)  one, stating that it was a ‘leopard slug’, or something.  unless it’s wearing a leopard fur coat, i don’t want it on my fucking patio. 

neighbor betsey.  i’m pretty sure we’re meant to be besties.  oh my god, betsey my bestie!!  gross.  it’s too perfect.  she lives across the street.  long black hair, long bangs, super-skinny, retardedly hip…god forbid i ever actually meet her and she reads this blog.  i would die.  like, die-die, not like ‘i die’-die.  jesus christ, how horrifying!  i mean, it could happen, right?!  k-fed stood on my FRONT LAWN last weekend for god’s sake!  you just never know what may happen….

 

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dear audra…

posted by:  audra

who doesn’t need advice every now & then?!  i haven’t any askings for advice yet, but the psychic sally in me knows you need to know this stuff…and i am wise from experience!  so, here you go; everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask:

  • for god’s sake, if you have a vadge-doctor appointment, but don’t really know if he’s going to have to take a look-see at your naughty bits…DON’T waste your time veeting the morning-of, and then spend two days sweating in skinny jeans moving into a house;  it makes for unsightly results.
  • …and if you do find yourself in this unsavory position, rub some hydrocortisone on your accident twice daily & it should be cleared up in a snap! 
  • do not eat an entire bag of pork rinds in two days by yourself.  it’s gross & will wreak serious havoc on your body.
  • don’t assume that your future, awesome landlords have thoroughly cleaned your new dwelling.  there may be ants, crumbs & long strands of foreign hair in places you’d never suspect.
  • funemployment does have its perks.  but spending all day–maybe 3 in a row without leaving the house–in a place that’s a total disaster, but you can’t do anything will make you go really fucking crazy.
  • when all else fails, drinking is usually a good idea.
  • people generally don’t think you’re a freak if you go out without makeup…even if you’re one of those people that do, indeed, need makeup!
  • and, if you’re reeeeally feeling frisky, try going out in jeans & a tee…maybe even flats!  you will amaze your friends with your courage.
  • if you’re a girl, and work at a reputable & popular local pizza joint, please don’t wear jeans to your workplace so low that it shows where you shaved your short & curlies.  it’s gross.
  • …but at least she shaved!  groom that shit!
  • jillian michaels WILL change your life!  or, at least your body.  it sucks actually doing the work, but you could be hot!  yes, YOU!  or, me…just put down the bottle of vodka, pick up your inhaler & get to work!
  • sleeping until 11am & watching a marathon of ‘a haunting’ on the discovery channel on mondays will not make you feel smarter or more productive. 
  • …but it just may stir up a little something in that could-be-haunted-house of yours. 
  • watch foreign horror films!  they are ALWAYS better than the american ones, you’ll feel cool AND they are really fucking scary! 
  • if you are out of philosophy bubble bath, just dump some baking soda or epsom salts into the tub.  you’ll still be without bubbles, but your skin will be super-soft!  and, i’ve heard that epsom salts help rid your body of excess water retention! 
  • treat your friends as well or better than you treat your family.
  • never accept ugly people as your friends.  afterall, your friends are a direct reflection of yourself!
  • leave a treat for your neighborhood bottle-goblins.  they are the ones who know you’re the alcoholic on the street, and you wouldn’t want that getting around now, would you?!  be nice to them, and they’ll be nice to you.  put your bottles out early, and leave the ones with deposits on top!  wine & gin bottles go on the bottom…it’s that easy!
  • it’s wise not to invite stray, attractive dogs into your yard.  you will only want to keep them after they sit on your feet & lick your hand!  best to just let them tinkle on your grass & off they go.
  • lean cuisine paninis take EXACTLY 2 minutes & 45 seconds in the micro!  do not stray from that recommendation!
  • if there is a painting in your house that suddenly smells odd, move it.  it’s probably pissed that you put it there & just needs a change of scenery.
  • it is NEVER okay to go out looking dumpy!  nevermind what i said about it being okay to be going out without makeup & sporting frump-wear!  it was bullshit & an oversight on my part.  you never know who you will run into, and you should ALWAYS LOOK LIKE YOU’RE GOING SOMEPLACE BETTER LATER!!  i live by this, and it has yet to let me down.
  • whiskey is usually a bad idea!  it will make you act retarded & you’ll have to apologize the next day for being an asshole. 
  • speaking of drinking…  drunk-facebooking, myspacing & ESPECIALLY drunk-texting is ALWAYS BAD!  you know it is, i know it is, and we’ve all done it.  so knock it off!
  • drunk-blogging is okay.
  • you’re more attractive than you think you are!  stop spending hours picking at invisible things on your face, and spend that time shaving your arms instead.  but girls only–boys without arm-hair is creepy!
  • close your closet doors at night, and always, ALWAYS put the fucking lid down on the loo.   and when you leave your home for an extended period of time, place stoppers in all your drains…otherwise all the good chi will go flying out of there while you’re gone!
  • ALWAYS TIP WELL!  i can’t say this enough.  i always tip at LEAST 20 or 25%, even if i get the worst service–which is NEVER–and i believe it’s just good-tipping karma.  do it!  i guarantee you’ll get excellent service in less than a month if you just start tipping better! 
  •  never, ever, EVER wear baby-backpacks.  i fucking hate, hate, hate them….and they just look stupid.

you’ll thank me later, and you’re welcome!

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