Tag Archives: beards are gross

airplanes

posted by:  audra

my new favorite band + gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous video = something you need.  tragic, yet sorrowfully amazing lyrics….love love love!  makes me wanna heart my family just a little bit more whilst they’re around.

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updates coming soon! believe it!

we love you, our loyal readers!  we’ve been so terribly, completely, ridiculously busy that we just haven’t made time to post.  sorry.  but, audra got a job!  a real one with a crazy-awesome boss, an office with an actual door, and unlimited bathroom breaks!  and sam is onto bigger & amazing-er things with a new business venture!  we have lots to tell….lots.  brace yourselves.  xxo

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new rezzies

posted by:  audra

oopsies!  i meant to post my newest resolutions way earlier.  like always, i’m taking the same ones from rezzies past & evaluating them first.  oooh, i can’t wait!  let’s get started…

*lose weight  i lost 10lbs over the year & gained it back.  go me.  that’s what i’m famous for, & i didn’t let myself down.  again.  but! i have been doing jillian michaels since last week & lost 3lbs.,  but then i followed it up with excessive drinking & eating copious amounts of un-named fast food…and STILL lost another half-pound! 

*drink less i have done this.  for realsies!  i can still drink any one of you fuckers under the table, but i’ve curbed my addiction slightly!  or perhaps i’ve just been drinking stronger things…so i can drink less…technically…but really i’m drinking more.  whatever.

*gossip less  yes.  did this, too!  i still gossip like the dickens, but i HAVE been doing it less! 

*buy more lusciously tall shoes  actually, sadly, i’ve been wearing flats & kitten heels more.  not because i don’t want to be teetering around precariously, but because i’ve been retardedly broke!  and walking places!  and the floors in some of my favorite bars are sloped and/or slippery & dangerous! 

*investigate hair bleaching  again, yes!  and i did it right before the year’s end!  it’s NOT impossible to strip years of black from your hair!  step-by-step instructions coming soon!

*buy a good meat cleaver  i’d actually forgotten about this one.  this year for sure.

*have dinner & drinks with the friends we always talk about going out with & never do  done!  at least most of you!  i love you–you know who you are!

*possibly try & get more sleep  since being unemployed has left me with lots of time on my hands, this one too is accomplished!  i slept till 11 today! 

*become bffs with m-k  duh!  just check out the picture above!  it’s proof!  what? 

*learn to play my guitar again  sort of!  AND i’ve accumulated a bass!  and apparently i’m going to be in a band!  with real musicians!  and i have bass lessons lined up! 

*fashion a coke-nail out of my left pinkie  i grew out all of my nails to a  perfect length long enough to snort whatever your heart desired out of, & sam was horrified when i used one of them as a screwdriver.  i cut them after i discovered typing & texting just weren’t the same.

*roast a pheasant  still no.  sigh.

*wear more hats  lame!  i’m getting rid of this one.  although, i’mma find a way to integrate my new, beautiful headdress into my wardrobe this year! 

new ones:

*investigate going eyebrow-less!  or at least grow them out & see what happens now that i don’t have black hair.  i tried it once in the privacy of my own bathroom, & it was very beth ditto…just not sure if i’d venture out like that.  what’s worse though: going out without brows, or going out with brows you draw on with a stencil?!  the mind quails.

*make bffs with a tranny  if you think this is rude & inappropriate, think again my little judgmental scabie!  who else could i put on ludicrous amounts of makeup with, go shoe shopping with, play dress-up with & then have a double-penetration threesome with without a strap-on?!  see…see??   what.  i want one.

*go totally, completely platinum  give me just a little grow-out time, a trim & another bleaching treatment & it will happen.  very soon.  get excited.

*convince my mom NOT to sign up to facebook  shudder. 

*learn all of lady gaga’s dance moves  i think this one speaks for itself.

*get a job  i think this one speaks for itself as well.  it’s SUCH a struggle though!  after a few months of looking, you just start to feel like a doomed loser.  and when no one else has a job either, it kind of makes you feel okay!  so it’s easy to slack-off!  it’s terrible.  i would only wish it upon a few people. 

that’s all, babies!  i think it’s best to keep it a little more on the modest side, don’t you?

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another 4-letter word…

posted by:  audra

rain.  when i first moved to pdxoxo, i hated the rain.  i mean, hated.  i remember a particular instance–circa spring 2000–heading into safeway with sam, walking across the parking lot.  it was raining.  hard.  i said, “god, i can’t wait for this fucking rain to stop!  will it ever?!”  sam replied, “well, you moved to portland…get used to it.”  at the time, it made me so fucking mad.

then i started working in the service industry, where when it’s sunny outside, it brings people!

i hate people.  i do. 

so, in turn, i began associating sunny, warm days with annoying patrons–their little crumb-snatching crotch maggots in tow.  i would look forward to forecasts urging portlanders to “pack your umbrellas!  batten down the hatches!  it’s gonna get nasty!”   but when i started working a normal office job, i found the rain to irritate me.  it makes traffic worse.  it makes the product in my hair liquefy.  it could run a brow, given the direction of the wind. 

and now it just makes our fucking mudroom wet. 

several weeks ago, our roof started leaking.  i walked into the kitchen one hungover afternoon, to get some water.  i stood at the sink, looking into the mudroom through the window a la roseanne conner, & the ceiling was all water-stained, drips coming from above.  after poking sam a few times to coax him out of bed to go knock on our landlord’s studio door to fetch some help, some plastic was placed on the roof.  temporarily, of course, until a more permanent fix could be brought forth.  on a dry day, the roof was indeed fixed. 

it rained quite a bit over the following weeks & not a drop was dripped.  it was fixed!  amazing!  then last night after a massive downpour, it started leaking again, this time in new places & more enthusiastically.  the landlord came this morning to investigate, & was not happy–with his repair job or the leak in general.  just to be sure, he looked underneath the house (we have a dungeon!  it’s creepy!  like, where one would stash a body, should the need arise!), and checked the bathroom for any suspicious leaks. 

first he wanted to check the shower caulking.  i told him that it “might be gross”, as i hate cleaning the shower.  he pulled open the curtain, and there i saw a wad of my hair balled up on the shower floor.  gross.  i was horrified.  but i let it pass…he didn’t seem disturbed. 

this is when i took the opportunity to tell him about the phantom smell in the bathroom cabinet. 

remember the one?  the one i told you about?  the one that’s like mildewy towels left to rot in the washing machine on a 90 degree day, for like, a week?!  that one! 

he poked around in the cabinet area a bit, pushing aside moisturizers & kitten powders…then said that it was an old house, & that maybe it was something the previous (dirty fucking hippies!) tenants had put in there & that maybe it’d absorbed the smell.  typical.  then he said that it smelled good to him (i now stow incense in there), & not to worry about it.  he got kind of weird at this point, nervous, & said that maybe “baking soder” would get rid of some of the odor, if it was still a problem.

“did i just say baking soder?!

“yes, you did!” i giggle. 

“well, ha…you know, baking soda.

“oh, duh!  of course.  yes, i’ll try that.”

“well, it looks like everything’s okay in here!” 

meeting concluded.

later that evening, after said landlord gets on the roof to put up some more plastic, apologizing for it looking trashy, sam comes home.  we decide to leave the house for awhile.  first, i must use the loo–otherwise i’ll have to pee as soon as we shut the car doors. 

i’m going about business as usual, & glance down at the offending cabinet that was previously inspected by the landlord.  there i see, on the bottom shelf, gleaming like an oracle from baby jesus, my hot pink vibrator with spinning pearls in the shaft.  the ultra 2000 with the golden handle & varying speeds, out on display for all to see.   

oops.

rain will get you nowhere.

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bad faux-mance

posted by:  audra

uh oh, babies…i discovered today that i’ve committed a majorly terrible fashion faux-pas.  and before you go snickering about my white socks with hot pink sequined flats, cuffed jeans & furry coat…THAT was in the privacy of my own backyard and was NOT meant to be seen by my hot neighbors.  who are they to be looking through our transparent fence, anyway?  none of your fucking business, pervs!  ANYWAY, so today i finally heard the new lady gaga on le radio titled ‘bad romance’.  i nearly shat glitter & champagne corks.  isn’t it the bestest?!  she’s my new obsession.  i hated the gaga before, and have finally decided that she’s kind of amazing.  anyways…so of course i immediately checked youtube for the video–i’m quite taken with hers–and you know what i got?  wait for it…. 

…she DEBUTED bad romance  at the alexander mcqueen spring 2010 ready to wear show!!!  what the fuck?!  seriously?!  i  blogged this AGES ago, and who’s the retard that didn’t actually watch the show, but took the easy route & just looked at the pictures?!  god.  whatever.  here it is, and it’s quite amazing:

did you look at those fucking shoes?!  uh-mazing.  and speaking of arranging music for fashion shows….sam & i would be soooo good at it, you have no idea.  can you even imagine betsey johnson fall 2011 ready to wear with le tigre‘s the the empty  on the runway?!  please!  your head would explode!

 anyone steals my bj idea & you’re dead fucking meat. 

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Filed under fashion, Music

current obsessions

posted by:  audra

apparently i’m real good at list-making.  it’s easier, maybe?  this one is not bulleted, but i have faith in you.

whatever, martha!  awesomest show EVER.  maybe not ever, but it’s close.  want to know a secret?  i kind of want to be martha stewart.  i do.  doesn’t every girl want to be attractive, make her own laundry detergent from garden soil, cultivate her own hybrid lilies, make halloween-themed pasta (riga-boni!!), AND launder the sheets every day?!  this show starring martha’s jaded daughter alexis and her adorable, sarcastic friend jennifer takes everything martha does & debunks it like the guys on ghost hunters…and it’s hilarious.  i heart it. 

right?!  fine living network, my domestically challenged beauties.  you will love it.  i promise.

black eyed peas meet me halfway.  god, i hate myself.   is this old-ish or new?  i don’t even know…but i do  know that every time i switch the radio to z100, it’s on.  which is embarrassingly often.  i can only take so much fever ray & animal collective, you know?  it’s SO good…but the video is terrible…brace yourselves:

i wonder if the yyy’s know that they totally stole that maps guitar thing?  hmm.  anyways, my absolute favorite, favorite, FAVORITE song of the moment is this:  the raveonettes breaking into cars: 

i think i put it on my myspace awhile ago…and calm yourself–there’s not a video just yet.  it’s fucking so delicious that i would totally die for them.  fucking BRILLIANT.  love, love, looove.  lyrics are simple, but the sound is dark & sexy like 60s film noir.  the whole record…even the more ludicrously titled songs like boys who rape (should all be destroyed).  a good portion of the tracks are about heartbreak & things you can’t have…always delicious.  i’m a total lyric snob, and upon first listen i thought it was rubbish.  but i kept listening, because they’re like my favorite band EVER, and i wanted to like it.  now i love it for real.  i do!  the raveonettes – in & out of control.  buy it now.  it will make you look cool…because they’re so amazing.  believe it!  what?  i need something to balance out the black eyed peas…

my shower.  when sam & i moved into the house in september, the shower water pressure was AWFUL.  it took ten minutes just to rinse all the shower gel out of my naughty bits.  it was really upsetting, considering our old shower would pelt your clit right off if you turned the water on all the way.  then, one random sunday, i turned on the shower and there was suddenly crazy awesome water pressure.  where did this come from?!  did someone switch a pressure switch?  my theory is that my household ghost was concerned for my well-being–i no longer could have precious “intimate” showers with myself.  now i can, once again.  it IS just deep crevice-cleaning with perks, afterall.  anywaysies!  not only does it come with that  now, but i can shower in half the time! 

pouring salt on slugs.  these fuckers are everywhere.  and i thought the spiders were bad!   now that the icky spiders have gone along their way, i’m now finding slugs on our back patio.  in droves.  i’ve killed at lease a dozen of them in the past month.   last weekend, one of our friends actually petted (petted!!)  one, stating that it was a ‘leopard slug’, or something.  unless it’s wearing a leopard fur coat, i don’t want it on my fucking patio. 

neighbor betsey.  i’m pretty sure we’re meant to be besties.  oh my god, betsey my bestie!!  gross.  it’s too perfect.  she lives across the street.  long black hair, long bangs, super-skinny, retardedly hip…god forbid i ever actually meet her and she reads this blog.  i would die.  like, die-die, not like ‘i die’-die.  jesus christ, how horrifying!  i mean, it could happen, right?!  k-fed stood on my FRONT LAWN last weekend for god’s sake!  you just never know what may happen….

 

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dear audra…

posted by:  audra

who doesn’t need advice every now & then?!  i haven’t any askings for advice yet, but the psychic sally in me knows you need to know this stuff…and i am wise from experience!  so, here you go; everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask:

  • for god’s sake, if you have a vadge-doctor appointment, but don’t really know if he’s going to have to take a look-see at your naughty bits…DON’T waste your time veeting the morning-of, and then spend two days sweating in skinny jeans moving into a house;  it makes for unsightly results.
  • …and if you do find yourself in this unsavory position, rub some hydrocortisone on your accident twice daily & it should be cleared up in a snap! 
  • do not eat an entire bag of pork rinds in two days by yourself.  it’s gross & will wreak serious havoc on your body.
  • don’t assume that your future, awesome landlords have thoroughly cleaned your new dwelling.  there may be ants, crumbs & long strands of foreign hair in places you’d never suspect.
  • funemployment does have its perks.  but spending all day–maybe 3 in a row without leaving the house–in a place that’s a total disaster, but you can’t do anything will make you go really fucking crazy.
  • when all else fails, drinking is usually a good idea.
  • people generally don’t think you’re a freak if you go out without makeup…even if you’re one of those people that do, indeed, need makeup!
  • and, if you’re reeeeally feeling frisky, try going out in jeans & a tee…maybe even flats!  you will amaze your friends with your courage.
  • if you’re a girl, and work at a reputable & popular local pizza joint, please don’t wear jeans to your workplace so low that it shows where you shaved your short & curlies.  it’s gross.
  • …but at least she shaved!  groom that shit!
  • jillian michaels WILL change your life!  or, at least your body.  it sucks actually doing the work, but you could be hot!  yes, YOU!  or, me…just put down the bottle of vodka, pick up your inhaler & get to work!
  • sleeping until 11am & watching a marathon of ‘a haunting’ on the discovery channel on mondays will not make you feel smarter or more productive. 
  • …but it just may stir up a little something in that could-be-haunted-house of yours. 
  • watch foreign horror films!  they are ALWAYS better than the american ones, you’ll feel cool AND they are really fucking scary! 
  • if you are out of philosophy bubble bath, just dump some baking soda or epsom salts into the tub.  you’ll still be without bubbles, but your skin will be super-soft!  and, i’ve heard that epsom salts help rid your body of excess water retention! 
  • treat your friends as well or better than you treat your family.
  • never accept ugly people as your friends.  afterall, your friends are a direct reflection of yourself!
  • leave a treat for your neighborhood bottle-goblins.  they are the ones who know you’re the alcoholic on the street, and you wouldn’t want that getting around now, would you?!  be nice to them, and they’ll be nice to you.  put your bottles out early, and leave the ones with deposits on top!  wine & gin bottles go on the bottom…it’s that easy!
  • it’s wise not to invite stray, attractive dogs into your yard.  you will only want to keep them after they sit on your feet & lick your hand!  best to just let them tinkle on your grass & off they go.
  • lean cuisine paninis take EXACTLY 2 minutes & 45 seconds in the micro!  do not stray from that recommendation!
  • if there is a painting in your house that suddenly smells odd, move it.  it’s probably pissed that you put it there & just needs a change of scenery.
  • it is NEVER okay to go out looking dumpy!  nevermind what i said about it being okay to be going out without makeup & sporting frump-wear!  it was bullshit & an oversight on my part.  you never know who you will run into, and you should ALWAYS LOOK LIKE YOU’RE GOING SOMEPLACE BETTER LATER!!  i live by this, and it has yet to let me down.
  • whiskey is usually a bad idea!  it will make you act retarded & you’ll have to apologize the next day for being an asshole. 
  • speaking of drinking…  drunk-facebooking, myspacing & ESPECIALLY drunk-texting is ALWAYS BAD!  you know it is, i know it is, and we’ve all done it.  so knock it off!
  • drunk-blogging is okay.
  • you’re more attractive than you think you are!  stop spending hours picking at invisible things on your face, and spend that time shaving your arms instead.  but girls only–boys without arm-hair is creepy!
  • close your closet doors at night, and always, ALWAYS put the fucking lid down on the loo.   and when you leave your home for an extended period of time, place stoppers in all your drains…otherwise all the good chi will go flying out of there while you’re gone!
  • ALWAYS TIP WELL!  i can’t say this enough.  i always tip at LEAST 20 or 25%, even if i get the worst service–which is NEVER–and i believe it’s just good-tipping karma.  do it!  i guarantee you’ll get excellent service in less than a month if you just start tipping better! 
  •  never, ever, EVER wear baby-backpacks.  i fucking hate, hate, hate them….and they just look stupid.

you’ll thank me later, and you’re welcome!

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vadge of honor

posted by:  audra

sigh…oh my god, you guys!  we’ve been so lame.  i think about blogging every day & nothing comes.  nothing!  i knew that bitching about broken shoes & such would get old.  and whilst i can’t think of anything remotely interesting & exciting that’s happened over the last week worth a blog post, i do have some  news, but nothing terribly  interesting & exciting.  …but i do promise you that sam is working on a most epic return, & it may even be a two or three-parter!  get excited!

actually, i take that back.  whilst i don’t have anything pretty, witty or gay to report, there has been some somewhat-exciting things happening.   here’s the first story:

i went to the gynecologist last-last tuesday.  a trip i’ve been dreading for years.   as much as i wanted to postpone it yet another five years, i think one more 14-day, bleeding-like-a-quintuplet-miscarriage-complete-with-excruciating-cramps-period would kill me.

so, i went doctor-shopping.  this was in april.  i picked one out: dr. stella.  she was young, but not too young, probably indian…red dot indian, not feather indian…and i liked her name; it made me think of perfume, beer & the band stellastarr*.   how bad can she be?!

when i went to make the appointment, dr. stella was not available…unless i wanted to wait six months…but i could certainly make an appointment with a mid-wife (dr. susan), if that was alright, but it would still be several weeks before i could get in.  sigh.  okay.  fine.

i looked at this one’s profile & she seemed nice.  husky, older, short hair…like she’d come home to her girlfriend named bo, fixing the roof while dr. susan was busy rooting around in vadges all day long.  dr. susan.  yes.  she would be mine.

when i arrived at the vagina doctor’s place on tuesday, i wasn’t impressed.  children everywhere, fat, unattractive pregnant women in sweatpants with hair like top ramen…god, it was terrible.  there was one “gentleman” wearing carhartt pants and these huge, black work-boots, which were unlaced of course.  his little boy ran, screaming towards me when i checked in at the front desk.  this horrified me, and i glared at the child.  the receptionist thought this was cute, & giggled.  as if every child who lets out a bloodcurdling screech at complete strangers is adorable.

this event is followed by, “oh, i’m sorry…dr. susan called in sick today!  we’ll have you with dr. oldpants, if that’s okay!  we’re transferring all of dr. susan’s patients over to dr. oldpants today!”

i sighed heavily, to let her know this is not okay, but said, “alright.  that’s fine.”  then she turned to her side, mumbling, “oh, there was supposed to be a new patient questionaire to fill out.  hmm.  not sure where it went.  oh well, just have a seat!”

sam & i had a “seat” on the gross chairs in the waiting area, probably teeming with child-bacteria.  and waited.  and waited.  i was told to arrive 20 minutes early in order to fill out the little questionnaire thingy, & so now i’m just wasting my time.  i could have slept an extra 20 minutes or even a half an hour.  don’t they have extra forms someplace?  one would think!

finally, after nearly 25 minutes of waiting, i hear something that resembles my name being called.  a short, thin, asian woman with shoulder length hair scans the room behind one of the partitions.  me, being short as well, is unseen behind said partition, even in heels.  so she keeps looking for me, “audwa?  audwa…?”

her name is trang.

totally really fucking annoyed at this point, i make it into the height/weight portion with trang.  she seems nice.  i notice that one of her eyes is lazy, and the lid is bulging, like a bee-sting.  i thought for a second that she indeed might have been stung by a bee, but later determined that she’s like that all the time.

she takes my blood pressure & pulse.  “oh, you berry nerbous to-day!”

of course i’m nervous.  but i’m mildly excited to meet this new, exotic, substitute doctor.  will she be pretty?  will she have a red dot on her forehead like dr. stella?

as soon as trang is through with asking me how much i drink & smoke, and how often i bleed buckets of blood, everything will be okay & my new doctor will arrive.  i’ll be in & out in minutes.

trang hands me a scratchy cape thing with a terrible pattern on it & says, “ebryting off!  doctor will be in berry soon.”  i thank her, and she exits.  curiously, the first place i start sweating when i nervous is the inner thighs.  it’s gross & it’s a curse.  so now i’m really freaking out.  pretty dr. mystery will completely recoil in disgust at my sweaty thighs & vadge, declaring she can’t possibly go any further unless i take a cold shower.  as soon as i got the little smock-cape thing on, i mopped up any suspicious sweat emanating from my body with the flowing skirt part.

a little rap at the door & someone steps in behind the curtain.  it was a really close call on the sweat-mopping situation.  THAT would have been really embarrassing.  i say a hello, and an odd looking old man in a white jacket appears.  fuck.  a man.

this is the moment i name him dr. oldpants.  a skanky female, probably 22 or 23, followed him in to watch, in case he’s super-friendly with the patients.

while i may have an inappropriate pipe dream about a super-sexy gynecologist giving me a thorough breast exam before burying his head between my thighs, i don’t really want it to happen.  i mean, come on!  especially when this guy comes in & is a total troll.  i may have to switch up my little chimera to be a dentist.  i’m ruined on gynos now.  but wouldn’t it be just as bad if he were super-hot?  i’d rather have an unattractive gynecologist than an attractive one…wouldn’t you?  god, what if lou pucci walked in with his white jacket & skinny jeans & stuck his speculum in my business & saw that i was wet?!  how fucking embarrassing!

anyway, what the fuck do men know about vadges anyway?  they could have all the schooling in the world, but still never really know what it’s like to have one.  you know?

i’m absolutely horrified & pissed.  clearly, had i wanted a male doctor, i would have requested one.  this isn’t really something you can just change, whenever, without proper notification, don’t you think?  right off the bat, i concluded that this guy is a real loser, with no sense of humor.  for example, when he asked me if i bruise easily, i said, “hmm…i don’t know…kind of?  i mean, not really…but i’m always kinda bruised up.  i mean, i am clumsy!”  and then i laughed nervously while he stared at me blankly, almost frowning, & scribbled something onto my chart.  my comment wasn’t funny, nor was it meant to be any sort of punchline, but a normal person would have given a polite smirk, or at least a knowing smile.  jesus!

skanky assistant leaves & trang is once again in the room with me & dr. oldpants, which was a little comforting.

i had juuust  gotten cozied into the stirrups when i blurted out that i was sorry if he’s offended, but i was totally expecting a woman.  of course, both trang & dr. oldpants freeze & stop what they’re doing, apologizing profusely.  trang is really upset by this, i can tell.  “oh my gosh, i so soddy!  i thought they toldoo?!”  i told her that indeed they had mentioned i would be seeing a different doctor…but wasn’t informed that this was a male doctor.  “oh, yoo want to reschedge-ull?”

she felt terrible.  i told them to just continue so i could get it over with.  of course, this whole conversation taking place with spread knees in the air, my special lady bits on public display.  she kept rubbing my shoulder, apologizing under her breath while dr. oldpants was discovering that i have a tipped cervix.  after he told me, “you may have a little spotting after the exam…”, she tucked a pink pantyliner into my hand & winked.  where does she expect me to put that?!, i thought.  didn’t she notice the absence of knickers in my pile of clothes on the chair?

after the examination, i got dressed & met with dr. oldpants in a borrowed office.  dr. stella’s office.   of course.  she wasn’t even there! probably off visiting her cool & pretty sisters in india.

he expressed heavy concern in regards to my obnoxious cunt-problems & asked that i come in for blood work in a week, and then a follow-up with him in a month.  gross.  i wonder if trang will be there?  will she slip me another pink pantyliner? 

the moral of the story, kids, is this:  if you have a super-bloody cunt & things that look like abortions are falling out of your junk, get it checked out!  especially if you’re soaking through a super-plus tampax AND your jeans in less than 20 minutes!  even if the doctor is a total bore, that doesn’t mean he’s a bad doctor!  he might even be good!  do you really want a doctor who monkeys around with you all the time, like sending emails saying, “i’m sorry, but you’re terminally ill with cancer of the uterus.  JK JK JK!!!!  it’s just a yeast infection!  LOL!!”

and there you have it.  take care of your special lady bits.

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everything you ever wanted to know

posted by:  audra

this was totally not my idea.  i was poking around on one of my favorite girl’s blog & happened upon this gentleman’s blog.  on the latest post, he was talking about the facebook quiz where you write up questions about yourself & then your friends look like assholes because they don’t know a single thing about you.  now, i love talking about myself & creating audra trivia, so of course i jumped on this…

…and my friends did horribly. 

granted, the questions were a little tricky…but i’m certainly not going to ask, what’s my favorite color? for fuck’s sake!  jesus christ!  get it together, you guys!  anyway, this guy’s blog, he posted his fb questions with the answers as well as the story behind them…because his friends did so horribly as well.  brilliant!

who wants to know more about me!?  you!  you do!  okay.  get comfortable, take your pants off, get some lube handy…whatever makes you content.  maybe if you’re really hurting for something to do, you can do the quiz as you read?!  but of course, don’t skip ahead to the answers if you plan on doing that.  anyway.  let’s go!

1.  if i had to pick just one record to listen to for the rest of my life…

a)  funeral – arcade fire

b)  to bring you my love – pj harvey

c)  horses – patti smith

d)  xo – elliott smith

e)  deep cuts – the knife

answer:  b.  to bring you my love. don’t fret; this was even difficult for me to decide on.  everyone who took my quiz assumed it would be horses. every single person.  and while i adore the patster to pieces, to bring you my love, as a whole, is a much more perfect record.  it has everything; stripped down folksy guitar, juicy bass, distortion, shrill screaming, whistle blowing, quiet lusty bits…sigh!

2.  underpinning of choice…

a)  thong panties

b)  crotchless panties

c)  garter belt

d)  full-back cotton briefs

e) none.

answer:  e.  obvs!  thank god no one had me pegged for a cotton-brief gal.  gross!  i have always enjoyed fancy panties…even when i was a little girl, i would not tolerate the gross cottony ones, with the fiercely uncomfortable waistband.   they had to be satiny, lacy, what have you.  and whilst i have a stockpile of the snatchless variety, those are novelties.  same with the garter belts.  several years ago, i started leaving them at home when we’d go out to shows & such.  sort of like a dirty little secret.  so exciting.  then i realized that going without is just so much better!  and easier!  all the time!  you wouldn’t believe how fast i am in the loo when we’re out at bars.  people are amazed.  really!  it saves a step!

3.  when i get home, i put on…

a)  cropped yoga pants & a fleece

b)  fitted black tee & jeans

c)  juicy couture tracksuit

d)  vintage chemise

e)  a ratty ‘can’t be seen in public’ dress

answer:  a.  surprised?  maybe a little?  the vintage chemise was a popular choice amongst my friends…which does happen occasionally.  mostly that’s only for sleepwear though.  a little black top & jeans only happens occasionally too, as with the ratty dress…but almost daily, i will come home & pull on one of two pairs of stretchy black yoga pants & my half-zip fleece.  unlikely, i know.  it’s comfortable…and typically i’m not an advocate for comfort, but i know that in the evenings i can sit in my chaise with my knees up  & not rip the seams out of something like a delicate chemise.

4.  once, whilst entertaining dinner guests at home, i…

a)  burnt a raspberry tart

b)  accidentally served raw chicken

c)  singed my lashes while caramelizing creme brulee

d)  cut the tip of my finger off

e)  slipped, then dropped & shattered a bottle of wine

answer:  d.  oh, the horror…the horror!  here i was, preparing citrus cream pasta with some sauteed mushrooms on the side.  the mushrooms are amazing.  you first caramelize them in olive oil, then add some thyme & garlic, and deglaze the pan with white wine.  so easy, & somewhat impressive.   anyway, sam & i had two friends over for dinner, and i like to do the prep work in the kitchen while they converse at the adjacent dining table  (i should also mention i like very low-lighting so everyone looks nice.  even in the kitchen–at least when guests are over). sooo, i’m furiously fine-chopping the thyme at the counter when i felt a little nick on my left index finger.  it wasn’t painful…i had just gotten a brand new super-sharp santoku knife, & apparently it’s so sharp you can’t even feel it slicing through your fingertip.  i didn’t think much of it & resumed chopping.  then i realized i was bleeding everywhere & quickly excused myself to the loo for investigation before anyone could notice i’d made a drunken oopsie.  i was missing a good portion of fingertip, including part of the nail.  totally panicked, i whispered for sam to come help me stop the bleeding…and we’re out of bandaids.  all we have is bactine & paper towels.  awesome.  sam decides to call in our female friend from the dining room, who was a plastic surgeon’s assistant at that time.  we’ll call her dr. s.  she asked where our first aid kit was.  first aid kit…?  really?  we did the best we could, what with the all the blood drunky was letting flow…then sam & dr. s went to the store for gauze, medical tape & such.  dr. s said that she would’ve taken me to urgent care for stitches…if there was anything to stitch back together.  so, here i am alone, making awkward conversation & nervous laughter with dr. s’s husband.  they finally return — with medical supplies, flowers & the new vanity fair.  with tom ford on the cover.  bless them.  once cleaned up & properly bandaged, i returned to the kitchen to clean up a bit & noticed a hunk of my flesh still clinging to the blade.  of course, i quickly (and discretely) snatched up this new prized possession, & wrapped it in saran wrap for later viewing.  we ended up dining on the dessert that i’d prepared earlier in the day & the night ended not-surprisingly early.  that shit bled for a fucking week.   the moral:  even if it makes everyone look like hideous beasts, use the overhead lighting in your kitchen whist in possession of sharp, pointy things.  and try not to get drunk before doing so, too.

5.  typically, my favorite films are in this genre…

a)  indie

b)  b-movie

c)  spaghetti western

d)  foreign

e)  horror

answer:  e.  horror.  obviously.  i’ll spare you the explanation since that last one ran on a bit long.  whoopsies.

6.  of these pet peeves, i hate this the most…

a)  gross eaters

b)  singing along at concerts

c)  throat clearing

d)  sneezing

e)  girls who end every sentence with a question mark?

answer:  a.  gross eaters are my worst pet peeve ever.  so. fucking. sick.  i really can’t handle it…a stray crumb on the lip, pepper in the teeth, the chewing sounds, swallowing sounds…crunching?!  that’s the worst!  and plate scraping….shudder.  and i’ve also decided that more than i hate singing along at concerts, i hatehatehate the whoos, ows & yips emitted from the fucking retards at shows.  god, i hate it so much.  the other night at pj harvey, there were so many of those.  especially in the quiet parts of songs.  one more “yeeeeah polly!  thanks for coming!!  owwww!” and i would have fucking lost it!  you go to see an artist, you go & keep your god damn mouth shut!  even if you have to eat something to keep you quiet.  just don’t eat it around me.

7.  when i’m old, i want to be like…

a)  lauren bacall

b)  betsey johnson

c)  ellen burstyn

d)  vivienne westwood

e)  anjelica huston

answer:  e.  this was a tough one apparently.  i thought it’d be easy for you?  come on you guys, the black hair?  bangs?  forever wearing black articles of clothing?  red lippy?  please.  i’ve been obsessed with anjelica huston for as long as i can remember.  she’s just so…delicious.

8.  my fetish fantasy is…

a)  bondage

b)  trip to a hot gynecologist

c)  gas station attendant

d)  sex with my brother…if i had one

e)  all of the above

answer:  e.  indeed.  and don’t hate, for god’s sake…sam gives me enough shit about the gas station thing.  i’m not sure what it is exactly…the little uniform shirt smudged with motor oil?  the act of putting the phallic pump that oozes into my empty gas tank?  maybe the gas fumes cloud my judgment & these guys are all total losery trolls?   that can’t be it.  and the incest thing is probably because i’m an only child & i had a fairly normal childhood.  it’s exotic.  like the dreamers. and house of yes.  delicious.

9.  my favorite guilty-pleasure movie is…

a)  13 going on 30

b)  just like heaven

c)  the sisterhood of the traveling pants

d)  what a girl wants

e)  freaky friday

answer:  a.   most of you should know this by now…come on, you guys.  13 going on the 30 sounds retarded, but it really is quite good.  and for the record, i have never seen what a girl wants.  at least in its entirety.  and just like heaven was like, the worst.  movie.  ever.  not to mention complete with a dreadful cover the cure’s song of the same name.  just awful.

10.  i always, ALWAYS shower this many times a day…

a)  once

b)  twice

c)  three times

d)  four time

e)  i don’t shower

answer:  b.  twice.  always.  every day.  even if i don’t take my first shower until 4 in the afternoon, i must shower again before even breathing on the sheets.  obviously i shower before getting ready each day; i’ve never understood people that can just pull on some clothes & go.  it sickens me.  and then when i go to bed at night, i can’t even fathom putting on my satin unmenionables without being freshly shaven & moisturized.  i just can’t.  it’s too icky.

11.  film i have seen over 20 times & never get sick of…

a)  reality bites

b)  pretty in pink

c)  poltergeist

d)  the shining

e)  beautiful girls

answer:  b.  oh, pretty in pink!  it’s very likely that i’ve seen all of these over twenty times, but i’ve probably shut them off halfway through after the 9th or 10th time.  i can always watch pink all the way through & it always sounds good.  but so does the shining…it’s just so long.

and there you have it!  don’t you feel way less stupid now?!

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surprise! part trois

posted by:  Sam & audra

audra: well, well, well…someone is back from his blog sabbatical.

Sam: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  You’re excited.  Where the fuck have I been?  Your guess is as good as mine.  I’m lame, and I know it… but I’m here now.  With Gramps Bowie in tow.  We’ve got Low on right now.  I just watched a documentary on the Bio channel about David Bowie.  It made me hungry for something from the Berlin trilogy.  Low it is.  God, I love this album.  “Sound and Vision“??  Come on…

audra: duh-licious.  man, what was with him storing all his bodily fluids in jars?  anywayz…yeah, i think low is really under-appreciated.  i like it more every time i listen to it.  a 1977 bowie; a bit mature, but still young & tight.  and even better now that we recently(!) learned that he was living with uncle iggy during his berlin period.

Sam: Young and tight… I remember those days.  It really is a great record.  How can you go wrong with something that David Bowie, Iggy Pop & Brian Eno all had their hands on?  And all the synth goodness?!  Come on.  You had me at helLOW.  Oh snap!

audra: oh SNAP!  jesus.  but really, i think low could be released tomorrow & sound totally new.  that doesn’t happen very often!  talk about sound & vision…

Sam: Ok, ok… Thin Lizzy.  You’re welcome.

audra: yesssssss!!!  sigh.  jesus christ, i love them.  i really, really do.  jailbreak.  more sighs!  phil lynott has this like, juicy voice or something about him.  delicious.  like he’s a wet-kisser — but not in a gross way.  like he has a healthy appetite for sex.  i don’t know.  something about his voice just says, i give good head.

Sam: He sounds like a young Elvis Costello to me.  Only dirtier, and sexier, and black.  I bet his lizzy isn’t very thin.

audra: i bet you’re right.  he IS sort of elvis costello-y!  like el ripped off his glasses, fro’d his hair out & drank some cheap beer.  mmm, cowboy song. i have a real soft spot for this one!  it starts out embarrassing, but it’s just so fucking good!  comforting.  same with romeo and the lonely girl we heard earlier.  phil has a certain sadness to his voice…i think that’s why i like it; sort of like i just want to scoop him up, wrap a blanket around him & tell him that he won’t always be a tortured artist.  oh em gee!  i think i hear little kristen hersh & her throwing moooses…

Sam: Funny, when I was little I totally thought ‘Muses” was pronounced ‘Mooses’.  Fucking hell.  Throwing Muses were a major part of my youth.  Especially this record, University.  It came out when I was 14 or 15 and has been one of my favorite albums ever since.  It makes me feel hot & sweaty and a little anxious.  Just like being 15.  Hearing lines like, “I’ll start at his knees, and end in his dreams” kind of fucked me up back then… but clearly, it fucked me up in a good way… right?!

audra: wild!  this fits perfectly in with my fantasy of nursing phil lynott:  right after the tortured artist statement i made to him, he turned to me & cooed, “…and i think i need a little poi-son”.  what a drama queen.

Sam: Drama queen, indeed.

audra: this is a good record.  it took me awhile to warm up to kristen’s voice, but once i did, i loved it.  she’s what stevie nicks would be if she were young & making alternative music in the 90s.  right?!

Sam: Ooh, good call.  I’ve loved her forever.  I think she is incredible.  Doesn’t she live in Portland now?  What ever happened to 50 Ft. Wave??  OMG!  “Teller” is on.  This shiz if my favorite song on the whole album.  It is fucking incredible.  For real.  “after all this is over, this is over after all“…

audra: i forgot about 50 foot wave!  whatevs.  i’m actually surprised we haven’t run into her around town yet.   ooookey, so, i just picked garbage verson 2.0. i was 17 or 18 when it was released…and i swear to you, if it weren’t for garbage & tori amos, i totally would have slit my wrists in high school.  so dramatic!  listening to it now, it’s hardly deep or anything, but it spoke to me in a way only a mizundastood 17 year old head could understand.

Sam: It certainly wasn’t that important to me back then, but I like it.  A lot.  I saw them for the first time (out of three total) in 1998.  It was amazing.  It was at a mini festival at the Memorial Coliseum with The Flys (shudder!), Cake (shudder!), Soul Coughing, Violent Femmes and Sugar Ray (shudder!)… it was an accoustic set and it totally melted my face.

audra: word.  man, sugar ray.  i saw them when they were nobodies at the fairgrounds in the tri-cities!  the bassist totally liked me.  we were leaning on the stage.  sigh.  anyway!  back to the topic at hand:  garbage.  verson 2.0 fondly remind me of heartbreak, not washing my hair [ever], fishnets, knee-high platform boots & dresses from hot topic.  and i remember writing all the lyrics out to you look so fine out in my journal.  those were the days.

Sam: Gross.  Dirty hair & Hot Topic??  Sick!  This record reminds me of moving to Portland and being on my own for the first time… Living in a gross, damp, moldy basement apartment… yuck!  I think it’s time to put the ipod on shuffle, yes?

audra: yes!!  first song betsey ipod picked:  way out yeah yeah yeahs from show your bones. lovely.  this is actually one of my very favorite songs the yyys have ever done!  i really love how karen delivers the fits around me so tight! part.  goosey bumps every time!

Sam: Me too.  It makes me hard.  God I love them.  Ooh, Thom YorkeAnd It Rained All Night… this song reminds me of the beach.  We went right after this record was released.  We listened to it the whole way there, druing the stay, and the whole way back… have we listened to it since??

audra: actually…i listen to it pretty often.  just bits of it here & there.  jealous?  ookey, see you, depeche mode. it’s fun.  what year is this?  early.  it’s good.  so fun, so faggy.

Sam: Early 80’s… I have no idea the exact year.  The beer has ruined my brain tonight.  “don’t you know that it’s true.  All I want to do is, see you“.  Ooh, “hips like Cinderella…” I hear Pixies!!  …and it was over as fast as it came.  It’s little Stevie!

audra: but back to tame quickly…i love that shit so much.  that song in particular.  i once had a [redacted] who hated the pixies, and really hated that song.  she thought frank was saying “pain” & thought it was really subversive.  in a bad way.  what an idiot!  we don’t speak anymore.  anyway, i was made to love you!  only our ipod could follow pixies up with stevie wonder.  let’s quail in the wonder.  next!

Sam: Cooooooonquest“… Patti Page!  Delicious.  This a fucking brilliant song.  Even though the White Stripes tried to ruin it, it held its own.  It’s a ferocious song.  It sounds kind of pretty, but unless you want your dick bitten off, I wouldn’t mess with it!

audra: word!  k.  mr. mystery by fabienne delsol.  i adore her work!  for real.  she brings a real retro feel to her music like you’re stuck in paris, 1963, eating from street vendors & wishing pierre would hurry the fuck up & take you to get your absinthe fix.

Sam: Now we’re on to Thieves Like UsProgram of the First Part“… I have to admit, I will like your band almost instantly if you’re named after a New Order song… and they deliver.  This shiz is good.  Real good.

audra: agreed.  i like them very much…dancey, but cool dancey.  a drunken, drug-induced trip to babylon — after-hours.

Sam: The ceiling is moving“… yes!  PJ HarveyWhen under Ether.  Fuck.  I love this song.  This is a sexy song.  It’s a little somber, but fucking hot.  I wannt to strip down and touch myself.    This is going kind of fast… while Audra messes with her garter belt, we’re on to SnowdenLike Bullets“.  Sexy.

audra: that shit is pissing me off.  the one time i really want to wear a garter belt & the back right thigh won’t stay fastened.  fuck it.  my hand are cramping & i’m tired of messing with it.  hat is off, too.  jesus christ!  anyway, snowden is awesome.  i fucking love them.  terribly underrated, they are!  this isn’t one of my favorite tracks from them, but still good nonetheless!  perfect first song.  just perfect.  next!

Sam:  Donovan.  “Season of the Witch”.  Just take that damn belt off.  All you do is witch, witch, witch.

audra: witching is my game, baby.

Sam: Witchy woman.  I hate that song.  Glad it’s not on the ipod.

audra: i hate that song too.  gross.  what’s next?  shall we skip ahead?  greek song by rufus wainwright.  i think it’s hilarious that my mom loves this record.  you turn me on, the girl is gone, so come on…

Sam: If she only knew… I love this record.  And this song.  The only thing that really bothers me though, is the line “I will dream in Barnes & Nobles“.  Nobles?  I hate it when people tack an ‘s’ onto things.  It’s Barnes & Noble, stupid.  Oh God, The Jesus and Mary ChainHead On“… more like hard on.

audra: yep.  so good.  except, we need to re-add this to the ipod…it starts skipping right towards the end…riiiight about….yeah.  there it goes.

Sam: Yessss!!  “Pass the Hatchet” by The Godzillas.  I fucking love this song.  60’s girl pop makes my pants tight and weak in the knees.  This song makes me want to host a naked dance party…  wow, short song.  We’re now on to “Sleepwalking” by 120 Days.  Nom nom nom nom, to quote a great friend (whose b*irthday happens to be today… HAPPY BIRTHDAY, b*!!!)… “I want to eat each and everyone of their asses”… word!

audra: thanks.  thanks for taking not one, but TWO songs!  damn!  why you always saltin’ my game?!  but yes, happy b*day, b!  we heart you real hard.  on to brigitte bardot & serge gainsbourg comic strip. it’s good, but embarrassing… SHEBAM! POW! BLOP! WIZZ!  jesus christ.

…mmkay, whilst sam laces my corset (for real! my new plan is to train my waist tiny with a corset like dita), we’ll do pale blue eyes by the velvet underground.  this is slow…but…..okay i’m panicking!  you tied it in a KNOT?!  bow.  bow!  it’s supposed to be in a bow!  i can’t breathe!

Sam: How the fuck was I supposed to know?  All I know is you have to get that shit tight and make it stay… and I did.  Jesus!  I got the knot out. Cool out.  Everything is fine.  What is funny is the almost-meltdown you just had was set to such a mellow song.  Gawd… more Snowden for you…

audra: well, it WAS scary!  i thought you’d have to cut it off of me like a car accident victim.  anyway, yes yes yes yes!  between the rent & me.  if we investigated how many times it’s been played…it would no doubt embarrass me to the point of tinkling myself.  i LOVE this song.  what do you think i am, the smoke in your clothes?  now when i walk in the room you know its all i can do to stare at the floor and not to look at you.  sigh.  crush 101 right there!

Sam: Oh. bloody. hell.  We’re onto The HorrorsWho Can Say“.  I fucking love this band.  Even with the new “fucked by Depeche Mode” sound… it’s brilliant.  The Shangri-La’s meets Jesus and Mary Chain mid-section of the song makes me want to fucking die.  It’s too good for words.  It may be the best break up song ever.  Get away….  OMG, b*… it’s your b-day and you are ALL OVER our ipod tonight.  Death From Above 1979 just came on…

audra: it IS the best break up song ever!  yes!  ohhh….death from aboveromantic rights. i don’t need you, i want you.  yum.  wait!  violet! and the sky was made of amethyst…

Sam:   Hole.  “Violet“.  You’re turning violet, violet!  Arguably, Live through This is my favorite-fucking-record-of-all-time.  I can recite every goddamn word, and love every second of it.  Audra mentioned earlier how Tori & Garbage got her through the “misunderstood” years… this was my record.  This reeks of my youth.  Jesus, I am totally having a Goonies moment right now.

audra: uh oh.   ANOTHER b song…for real!  this is getting gross!  it reminds me of the first or second time we hung out with her.  placebo post blue. it’s in the water, baby.  this is your birthday present, love!  i break the back of love for you.

Sam: Eau d’ Bedroom DancingLe Tigre… This song reminds me of when I first met Audra.  Young & dumb.  The hours spent drinking cheap gin & coffee at Java Bay… oh, boy…

audra: yeah.  but not together.  gross.  separately.  okay, LAST CALL!  the handshake mgmt. a good last song for the eve.  or at least for the blog.  god knows we’ll be up past 3 with drunken antics!  i have mixed feelings for mgmt.  the good parts are really good, and the bad parts are really bad.  they have a song that sounds like the flaming lips. and i fucking HATE the flaming lips!  hate!  ugh!  they are SO GROSS!  anyway.  i digress.  mgmt.  this is a decent song; one part arcade fire, one part little kids choir, mix with hallucinogenic drugs & shake.  handshake.   ha.

Sam: In grand tradition of last call with me, I will sneak one more in… Gene PitneyTown Without Pity“… oi vey!  Talk about sexy.  “Talk about problems…” fucking hell.  I promise you this, I will rave about this song just as much sober.  Take that.  That means I love it and I know what I am talking about…

…and that means I love you too.   We could go on forever, lovers.  We need to call it a night… even though Murder City DevilsDancin’ Shoes” just came on.  That means business.  G’night, babies.  Lurves you all!!

audra: word.  i’m done.  out of wit & cleverness…not that i had the much at the beginning of the eve to start with!  whatevs!  until next time, my sweets.  we love you long time.  sweet dreamers, my little creamers!

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