Monthly Archives: May 2009

style icon: dovima

posted by:  audra

get excited, kids!  i’ve been dying to do a bit on another model from the 1950s i’m currently obsessed with:  dovima.  she was born dorothy virginia margaret juba on december 11, 1927 & met her demise at the age of 62 on may 3, 1990 of liver cancer. a sagittarius!  of course!  and liver cancer?  that tells me she was likely a heavy drinker & smoker.  more sighs…  anyway, already nicknamed ‘doe’, she would later be known as ‘dovima’; a name she had for an imaginary friend as a child.  i read someplace that she created the name from ‘do’ for dorothy, ‘vi’ for victory, and ‘ma’ for her ma…but clearly she chose ‘dovima’ from taking the first two letters of her first & middle names (dorothy virginia margaret…obvs!).  well, either way, what a clever little cunt!

anyway, dovima came down with a pesky little thing called rheumatic fever at a tender young age.  typical treatment for rheumatic fever — and i should know; my mother had it when she was young, too — is lots & lots of bedrest…like, months at a time.  her doctor suggested a year, but her crazily over-protective mum made it something like seven years at home.  seven!  of course she would have an imaginary friend!  i had imaginary friends too…but looking back on it now, i’m pretty sure our house was just haunted.  anyway…again, moving on…

the short version…  she was trolliping down the sidewalk in nyc one day & was discovered by a vogue editor.  the very next day she had a photoshoot with jean patchett’s bff, irving penn(!).  soon she was wearing dior & balenciaga gowns on the covers of vogue & bazaar.

she retired in 1959 because she “…didn’t want to wait until the camera turned cruel.”  smart woman.  she spent all of her modeling money  (okay, does anyone else notice how uncannily alike we are?!  except for the catholic part, we’re practically twins!  i’m now convinced that i’m the shorter, stockier reincarnation of doe.  yes!), so she worked for awhile doing spokeswoman stuff & television spots.  in the seventies, she ended up hosting at restaurants & selling makeup.  fuck, i am really in for it!

during this time, dovima met the love of her life, casper west hollingsworth — a bartender — & was very happily married to him for only three years before west kicked the bucket.

i read that in 1984, she started hosting at the two guys pizzeria for some time…although two guys’ website says they’ve been around since 1988…hmm…curious…but on her ‘has been’ status, in 1987 she said:

“The only ‘has been’ is one who has been. You have to Have Been in order to be a has been.”

again with the clever cuntiness!  brilliant.  other dovima trivia to impress your friends with:  she was a comic book aficianado, a battered-wife of two abusive husbands, a dovout catholic (eek!), had a cameo in funny face with audrey hepburn & was the highest paid model of her time…at 75 bucks an hour.

okay.  enough of my yammering…

so, i totally don’t remember her part in funny face.  at all.  buuut, in my defense, i think i was like 8 when i last watched it!  i’m on it though…i’ll view it again very, very soon…if only for dovima; i rather hate musicals.  doesn’t she just make you wanna line your eyes, put on some red lippy & play dress-up?!  guess what i’m doing tonight…?!

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bonnie et clyde

posted by:  audra

okay.  so…something terrible has happened.  something of epically catastrophic proportions:  sam brought it to my attention the other day that kylie minogue has sampled one of my favorite-favorite songs ever —  bonnie & clyde, done by brigitte bardot & serge gainsbourg.  shame on you if you don’t know it…do your homework!

i nearly lost it.  tears & hair-pulling & everything else that comes with a nasty hissy fit.  my super-sexy, dirty little secret was now going to be ruined by australia’s pop darling?!  one of the most well-written songs of all time, perhaps?  i didn’t know what any of the words meant until i was able to translate them into english, but it doesn’t matter!  it’s still upsetting!

but…at least it’s not a cover, right?!

last night, i had to see for myself.  so, i did some investigation work & brought up youtube.  i searched for kylie’s new song, sensitized, which contains my sample.  i didn’t see the official video posted yet, but i watched some crappy one where the music had been set to a different video of hers.  i hate it when people do that.  but anyway, i listened to the whole mess…

…and it’s totally not bad!  for real!  and then i saw this amazing marilyn montage & fell in love with it.  watch it right now! theeen, i saw this other one in the related section, and happened upon the promo for sensitized…and it’s.  totally.  fucking.  hot!

what’s wrong with me?!  first jesse mccartney & now this.  whatevs.  here you go!  you’re welcome.

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a town called malice

posted by:  audra

well, kittens…  what is everyone doing this weekend?  gallivanting gayly through the woods?  going on a three-day drinking/show bender?  attending a  housewarming thrown by one of the best party-throwers you know?  using the pedegg for the first time?  buying a bumpit & making your hair luxuriously big?

i think it’s safe to say i won’t be doing any of these things over the weekend.   buuut, don’t fret:  lots of drinking will ensue.  for suresies.

sam & i will be crossing many a county line tomorrow morning, somewhat early-ish, to stay with my parents for a few days.  seeing them will be nice, but i’m never real enthused to go back to my hometown.  i don’t belong there, & every time i go back i feel more detached from it.   in a good way.  thanks, baby jesus!  but…my parents are fun.  they like the sauce.  and not in a ‘hey-that’s-my-beer-cozy!’ way, either.   there’s pinochle…lots of it.   i hate card games, really i do — well, all games in general actually — but i’m rather good at this one & it makes me feel smarter & cunning, much like a fox in drag.

but anyway!  honestly, i’d much rather stay in pdxoxo this weekend, maybe see a show, perhaps watch the boys in the band again, & definitely cook something.  it seems like it’s been months since i made something in the kitchen that didn’t have to be slit open to allow steam to escape whilst in the microwave.  pathetic!

fuck, where was i going with this…?  random, right?!  oh well.  it’s gone too far now that it’s impossible for me to slow my roll.  i’ll try to keep it on track for you, loves.  i suspect that i will get lots of magazining done this weekend, as there’s not much to do when one is 200 miles away from the nearest sephora.  i may even take pictures of this event.  like i did at thanksgiving, reading up on demi-glace in my mom’s saveur, in the guest bed, at 3am.  the lump on the right in the photograph is sam’s leg:

i thought i would come home, become an expert, make demi-glace & blog about it.

i made it as far as the reading part.

i blame the article that was likely about booze, with a title stolen from david sedaris.  well, maybe he’s not the origin of the phrase, but i’d like to think he is:

this time i intend to get caught up on all sorts of fashion news…i think i’m at least two issues of harper’s bazaar and vogue behind!  i have a stack of food mags as well…there will be absolutely no excuse for me not to cook now.  none at all.  i’ll take drunken photographs too, just as proof!  you’re excited!

i take that back — if it gets hotter than fuck next week upon our return, i will not be cooking.  i’ll be doing cocktail hours out, perhaps before getting a cock in my tail.  what?!  i know.  this is a bullshit post & i’m sorry!  the next one will be worth your time!  promise!

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style icon thursday: peggy bundy

posted by:  audra

yes!  peg bundy!  i was up real late one night watching the telly & happened upon married with children.  i did sort of miss the show…but most of all i rediscovered peggy bundy & how awesomely rad her style was.

kitschy, 1960’s-inspired housewife-sexy.  that’s what we’ll call it.  i love that she shamelessly always wore super-tight clothing & lots & lots of animal print.  always super-tall heels.  teased hair (yet another reason to get bumpits!).   over-accessorized.  belt cinched in at the waist.  sigh!  super rad, right?!

peg also lived a luxuriously leisure lifestyle; lying about on the couch all day whilst snacking on chocolates, smoking, watching television, sponging money off of her husband…really, those are the things we all lust for at one time or another.

finding decent photographs was challenging — mostly just production stills — but i’m sure these will suffice! take notes, my tacky little skin-tight leopard print wearing, money-grubbing tartlettes…take notes.

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surprise! part deux

posted by:  Sam & audra

audra: good evening, kittens!  welcome to part two of the game surprises.  another drunken romp!  lush list wanted more, she gets it.  ask & you shall receive, my sweet.

aren’t you so fucking excited that you’re near wetting your knickers?!  i am.

Sam: I would, If I were wearing any.  For real.  We just returned from a fantastic afternoon of booze on the East Burn patio & a drunken trip to the record store.  We managed to take the new Peaches, The Horrors, Camera Obscura and a used copy of Shakespear’s Sister Hormonally Yours off their hands.  Perfect.

audra: you have.  no.  idea.  how excited i am to have the shakespear’s sister record back!   that shit changed my life.  i wanted to be them.  and the new peaches…so far i’m real impressed.  it’s a real show stopper.  panty dropper.  speaking of dropping panties, how amazing were the horrors last night?!  right?!  we’ll talk about the record in a bit…in the meantime, join me for my first ever listen to the new camera obscura my maudlin career

mmm.  yum.  first song, “french navy”…it makes me feel like i’m in a 1960’s film with catherine deneuve, & we’re walking down a busy street in paris with tons of shopping bags…you know, totally cliché, but oh so delicious.  what you think, hambone?

Sam: Hambone?  Well, I agree completely.   So far, so good.  It feels old, but in a new way.  Just like Paris.  Good call.  It makes me want to dress all in black, chain smoke and stroll down Rue Cler or down Avenue des Champs-Élysées.  Wow, we’re only on track four and I think I likey.  A lot.  Hmm… track five just started and it feels a little like a nursery rhyme.  Uh-oh.

audra: well, sorta.  not really?  i don’t know.  i just love their sound…they have yet to disappoint me.  i love the organ!  those super-sexy scots really know how to bring it & create a mood.  i would kill to see them in a really tiny, smoky bar & be color blind for a night.  black & white would be best.

Sam: i love the organ!”  There is the understatement of the year!

audra: well, i do love organs.  all shapes & sizes…but the bigger, the better.  that’s widely known.

Sam: Too big and you’re known for being wide.  Wow.  Really?  Anyway, back to Camera Obscura… I’m loving this record so far.  It would be rad to see them in some small smoky bar, but those days here in Portland are long gone.  They are coming though!  We can go see them in a rad old converted gymnasium!  With… wait for it… Agent Ribbons!  Sounds like heaven to me.

audra: we’ll see, we’ll see!  okay, i think i just nailed down my favorite track so far, “my maudlin career”…title track.  ‘you say i’m too kind & sentimental, like you could catch affection’?!  sigh!  i really like all the lyrics so far, & am so happy to be able to hold the actual disc in my hands & read the liner notes!  my fave.  support your local record store, you guys.  the boys are always cute & it will make you look cool!  do it!

Sam: Amen!  This one sounds like Ricky Nelson.  Ahh, Ricky Nelson.  Heart, heart!  I love that man.  Wow, it’s really hard to write anything right now with Audra attempting to mimic the vocals on this disc.  I need another drink.

audra: yeah.  whatever.  i did prit-tee good, never hearing the song before, yes?!

Sam: Don’t quit your day job.  Please.

audra: k.  end of the disc…well done, camera obscura!  buy this!  download it illegally!  whatever it is you do!  it’s damn good.  a good record to entertain to…your friends will love you & think you’re way smarter than you really are!  and you’ll look prettier too!  i promise!  next!

okay, you guys.  i’m kind of embarrassed about this next one, but shakespear’s sister is fucking awesome.  really!  i first bought this album in 1992 when it came out…probably around my sophie b. hawkins days.  mmm…so good!  it made me feel cool.  i did really want to be them…black hair, black eyes, too much makeup, black clothes…done!  good work, audra.  anyway, i saw this tonight & couldn’t resist.  six bucks.  believe it.

Sam: This pleases me too.  I had the “Stay” cassette single… the b-side was an “album sampler”.  God, I listened to it constantly.  I really think we would have been best friends had we known each other at that age.  And, just think.  The outcome would would have probably ended up the same!  I would normally make fun of you for a choice like this, but who encouraged you to buy it tonight?! That’s right.  Me!  I love it.  How can you go wrong with former members of Bananarama naming a band after a Smith’s song??  You can’t.

audra: dude.  “stay”.  sigh!  no, sighz!  with a z!  i listened to it constantly…i would fall asleep to it, pretend to fall asleep to it, masturbate to it…everything.  it reminds me of every terrible crush i had at the time, & countless, heartbreaking school dances.  it wrecked me & put me back together every time.  still perhaps in my top 10 favorite songs of all time…?  or is that the vodka talking…

Sam: No.  It really is a good song.  I remember the video kind of fucking me up.  In a good way.  Lets see if it still does.

Yep.  Still does!   Ok.  Moving on.  The new Bat for Lashes, Two Suns. Go!

audra: well, i’ve been over bat for lashes for quite some time.  all her songs sound the same to me, & once i was able to hear “what’s a girl to do” on the radio at my desk about 10 times a day…i’m totally ruined on it.  buuuut, her cover of “i’m on fire” still makes me wet!   anyway, it is good…i’m just tired of her.  travel exhausts me!

Sam: That bitch knows a good song to cover, I’ll tell you that much.  Her cover of The Cure’s “A Forest” is amazing.  And, the fist track on this record?! I love it.  Tonight is the first time I made it past the first twenty seconds of it… color me impressed.  Her voice makes me want to touch myself.  It has an early nineties feel to it, actually a little of reminiscent of Shakespear’s Sister…

audra: it is kind of good.  okay, really good.  but i never listen to it, ever.  it bores me.   but!  i do rather like the cover art!  it reminds me of pierre & gilles…did they do it??  hmm.  whatevs.  i’m ready to get schooled in the teaches of peaches, yeah?!

okay, kids…peaches, i feel cream.   when i saw sam’s post about the new peaches single, i was super-nervous.  singy-songy, in a slightly bad way… but when i heard the lines “i don’t give a fuck if you’re following me, i don’t give a fuck if you’re maulin’ me…” on the first track, ‘serpentine’ in typical peaches fashion, i knew my “suckin’ on my titties” girl didn’t let me down.  yes!

Sam: Let you down, she didn’t.  I’m going out on a limb here, but this might be my favorite release from her yet.  Mixed by Simian Mobile Disco & Digitalism…??!!  Bitch, please.  It’s damn near perfect.  ‘Talk to Me‘ is my jam.

audra: that song is starting to come around to me.   it’s definitely more of a grower, not a shower.  the rest of the record is fucking rad!  you want to throw a house party, get your guests drunk, throw them in the basement & put this on at 2am.  they will love you!  it sounds like sweaty same-sex makeout seshes in the corner.   yum.

Sam: You nailed that one.  This record makes you actually hope you get roofied at the bar and taken home to get railed.  Hard.  It’s sexy, in a dark, sleazy way.  Again, it’s a good thing I don’t wear underwear… or they’d be around my knees at every listen of this disc.

audra: yuss!  totally!  alright.  depeche mode sounds of the universe.  upon first listen, i wasn’t floored or anything like i thought i might be.  playing the angel seemed a lot more ooohy-ooh to me…but the more i listen to this one, the more i like it.  which is typically good coming from me; as in if i hear something & don’t warm up to it right away, i usually end up loving it to bits!  the video for “wrong” totally fucked my shit up & i love them for that!  i can’t stop watching it.  good work, boys…good work.

Sam: True.  You usually hate shit I love instantly… this being no exception.  I was super impressed with this record.  Minus the paint-shop inspired cover.  Gross.  Who told them that was a good idea?  They were stretching it with the feather boy on the ‘Playing the Angel‘ disc…. this takes it to a totally different level.  It’s a damn good thing the record holds it’s own against the cover.  If not, they would have seen my fist coming for their face for sure.  We’ll be seeing them in Seattle this summer and I’m so excited I’ve peed a ring around myself.  Oh. My. God. Ok, on to The Horrors!

audra: oh, the horrors.  most awesomest set ever?!  maybe!  i should’ve worn knickers last night, because my thighs were totally sticky the whole time!  their new sound is  like joy division, the jesus & mary chain, and my bloody valentine had a really sexy, boozed up baby.   not the kind of baby with fetal-alcohol syndrome, but the cool kind!  the kind that comes out of the vadge wearing a little eye-makeup, tight pants & smoking a cig!  yes!  how bad can that be?!

Sam: It’s like our dream baby… if we wanted one.  We’ve always said, “if we were to have a child it would be a hot, skinny, British boy”.   Any one of The Horrors would do the trick.  Especially Coffin Joe.

Ahh, I love him.  A lot.  Last night was perfect.  They totally switched up their sound, but it works.  I think I may even like it better.  A friend last night nailed it with a quote of, “Who is this?!  It sounds like they got fucked by Depeche Mode!”  Brilliant.  That sounds like a hot wet dream come true to me!

audra: isn’t he so delicious?!  i would probably break him in half, but maybe that would be hot.  we should try it.  fix me another drink, will you, lover?  i’m dry.

Sam: You, dry?  Never.  That’s an oxymotrin if I’ve ever heard one.

audra: do we have any?  oxymotrins?  nurse, come quick!  oh wait…  anyway!  i think this record will be our summer soundtrack!  for suresies!  i cunt wait!  it already sounds like hot, sweaty things rubbing on eachother, so why not?!  sigh…

Sam: I’m almost confident enough to say I couldn’t care less about what is on the horizon… between this record and the Fever Ray album, we’re set for this summer.  Believe it.  It’s that good.  And, if you don’t believe me… have a looksies for yourself.  And, if that still doesn’t convince you… then you might be dead to me.

S & a: on that note, good night, kittens!  We love you.  Real hard!

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style icon thursday: jean patchett

posted by:  audra

what?  i know.  this is a new thing.  i probably won’t keep it up, but i totally should, right?!  you would love that, wouldn’t you!  okay.  here we go, kids…

i just now discovered 1950’s model jean patchett whilst skimming a layout in the may issue of vogue the other week.  natalia vodianova did a spread, portraying legendary fashion models; the photograph she did as jean patchett was so gorgeous that i had to investigate!  and duh, i totally recognized her immediately!  who knew an exotic beauty that stunning would be named something totally dorky sounding?!   in this photograph, she looks identical to a barbie doll my mom passed down to me from when she was young.  she was so gorge with her molded plastic head & three wigs (the barbie, i mean)!  complete with a strapless 1950s black & white striped bathing suit.  sigh!  anyway…

before jean died at the age of 75 of emphysema in 2002, she had graced the covers of over 40 magazines — more than any other fashion model in history — and all before retiring in the 1960s. the amazing irving penn adored her & captured this famous image of her, nibbling on her pearl necklace in a cafe:

isn’t she just so hot?!  god, i’m in love.  it’s really too bad she’s dead, no?  and her waist is ridiculously, impossibly tiny!  i have to stop eating immediately.

i’m totally going to start penciling on a beauty mark like jean’s.  what?  i pencil on my brows, so why not!

the next photograph is jean with ernest hemingway…the one following is with another legendary model i’m currently obsessed with, dovima:

totally.  fucking.  obsessed.   i wish we were bffs!  perhaps i will drag the old ouija board out tonight, just for fun…

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queers, five years & saturday’s mistake: the conclusion

posted by:  audra

i was so starving & pissed at this point, & had consumed enough wine that i snapped.  mid-shot, i interrupted his photo-taking & hissed, “excuse me, are you going to be doing that all night?” i did!  i totally hissed!  he then of course apologized profusely & noted that he was taking blurry shots for the website & that i would definitely not be in any other shots.  whatever!  you’re still annoying the fuck out of me!  but he did move, & i didn’t see him for the rest of the night.  good work, audra.  good work.

entrees finally arrive & my thighs start sweating:   i ordered the grilled leg of lamb with green herb yogurt, chick pea fritters & a salad of orange & fennel…sam got the grilled sirloin with shallot butter, roof greens & fries.  we weren’t very impressed about the fries part…couldn’t they come up with something a bit more swank?  at least serve them in a cute little cup like this place does?  whatever!  everything was fairly good; except that sam’s meat was a little overdone.  actually, a lot overdone.   and if sam thinks it’s overdone, it’s way overdone.  my lamb was a little on the cool side, too.  it seems to me that they were leaving entrees out to rest too long before serving them.  again with the under-staffing issue!  anyway, the wine we chose to have with dinner was perfect…and oopsies, i have no idea what it was!  i wasn’t all that impressed with the wine-list either.  this being a wine place, you’d think i would be…but 6 years working in the wine industry, i’m hard to please when it comes to wine lists.  maybe it was just the by-the-glass list i wasn’t impressed with.  hmm.  whatevs.  i’m probably just being a bitch.

we did dessert & paid our check quickly…as oddly enough a really weird guy that we sort of know was seated less than a foot away from me, with his date.  she was really pretty & i have no idea what the fuck she was doing with him.  clearly she’s an idiot!  he spent the whole time texting while she sat & stared at her drink.  we don’t know this guy well, only through a friend of ours, and have only been around him twice.  but he’s a real loser & thinks he’s some big fucking treat.   i’ve witnessed him giving pcp to a friend when said friend thought it was just a regular joint.  anyway!   i can’t stand him.  he’s bad news.  luckily, we hadn’t seen him in a few years so he didn’t recognize us before we split.  so! close!

walking back to the car, i stumbled a few times.  i did.  what the fuck!?  i had four glasses of wine total, over the course of maybe 3 hours.  that’s nothing to me!  that’s just warming up!  whatever… i shrugged it off & got into the passenger seat.

not 3 blocks down the street & i have to ask sam to pull over.  i know i’m not going to be sick or anything gross like that, but i just could not be in the car.  super dizzy, you guys!  seriously!  do i need to remind you i only had 4 glasses of wine?!  so he drops me off in this parking lot, & i literally stumble over to the curb.  i can’t believe i didn’t fall down or scuff my shoes or something!  i was totally fucked up!  whoopsies!

i sat for a couple minutes, looking at my shoes, hoping i wouldn’t be sick on them, wondering why in the world i was so drunk & finally teetered my way back to the car.  it was so horrible!  i don’t think i’ve staggered so much, even in my drunkest drunkenness ever!  once i did make it back into the car, i was totally fine.  my drunkenness seemed to disperse as quickly as it had come on.  weird, right?!  i blame it on the one glass i had at le bar de skeeze earlier!  what else could it have possibly been?!   i just don’t know…but something fucked me up beyond recognition, as i went to bed at 11:00 that night.  eleven o’clock!  not my usual 4am antics, no!  eleven o’clock.  believe it.

i can say that there is something good that came out of my going to bed totally yet accidentally wasted at 11 on a saturday night:  i got up before noon sunday morning.  this never, ever happens & i’m kinda proud of myself!  this allowed us to watch all three of our netflix films in one day!  before dark!  this week’s was a fag themed one:  three of hearts, divine trash & the boys in the band.

three of hearts was kinda…meh.  i was real excited for it; documentary – one gay couple married to a woman, so they have this hot threesome thing going on, even though none of the three are really all that hot.  anyway, the woman gets pregnant at the beginning of the doc & they pretty much ruin it with that.  it’s mostly baby stuff from there on out, so i lost interest.

divine trash.  john waters documentary.   enough said!  get it!  i’m hoping to do some geneology maybe sometime real soon &  find out that john is my uncle.  wouldn’t that be rad?!

the boys in the band is fucking uh-mazing!  i’m super-embarrassed that we hadn’t seen it yet!  it’s super-intense & done in what feels like real time…like you’re there hanging out with them without any missing blocks of time, you know?  it’s like queer as folk & who’s afraid of virginia woolf? had a baby & it’s brilliant.  love, love, love.   in fact, as soon as it was over, i had to pop in virginia woolf because boys had put me in such a tizzy for it.  get the boys in the band right this very second, it will totally change your life!

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