Tag Archives: grey gardens

the latest…

posted by:  audra

…disseminated & formatted in a way you can easily comprehend.  you’re welcome.

*some of your best friends may make friends with your landlords & happily offer to paint your sad, dilapidated looking house!  our house will be brick red by this time next week, weather permitting.  i can’t wait. 

*ryan gosling is a crazy-awesome, amazing musician!  look for sam’s review of dead man’s bones soon! 

*running into old friends at your neighborhood bar doesn’t have to be awkward!  even if you feel fat & greasy after a long day at work…

*that said, bingo nights hosted by the lyons club brings people together in a slurred, blurry, happy way. 

*…and speaking of greasy little piggies–laura mercier has a new product that will make even the shiniest, palest t-zone perfectly matte & not even cakey looking or orange!  it’s fucking uh-mazing, positively earth shattering.  it’s called smooth focus pressed setting powder, with a slight mint-green tint to coerce that pesky ruddiness into pasty tastiness!  here you go

*in other makeup news:  too faced now makes a mascara (called lashlight…how terribly clever) with an lcd light built right into the wand, & a tiny mirror plastered on the side of the tube.  pretty retarded if you ask me, but the beautiful drag queen at sephora talked me into it; it doesn’t flake, smudge or clump.  at $25/tube, i’d say go with dior diorshow for $24…but i can’t complain yet!  not a single black flake of dried mascara has fallen on my cheek since i started using it! 

*…and i’m currently trying out buxom‘s insider eyeliner.  not sure about it yet.  it’s supposed to be for applying to your waterline, all gentle & such…but i think the (self-sharpening!) pencil is too soft…?  i like it, but i’d rather pay $10 more for nars if they made a self-sharpening liner.  sigh…

*landlords bringing over a super-deluxe keyboard will change your life.  i’ve already taught myself joy division with the bass/drum kit split feature! 

*going out with your friends 5 nights a week will likely make for an uncomfortable, uneventful weekend.  beware of your surroundings when you discover that america’ s funniest home videos is the only thing on.  shudder. 

*lady antebellum’s ‘need you now’ is kind of amazing!  what. 

*it may take a month or so to grow out a bit, but once you’ve gone & bleached your black hair into blonde…another trim & bleach will make it perfectly platinum & delicious!  just stop dyeing your landing strip black, mmkay?  it looks weird when you’re blonde.

*finding out about my beloved alexander mcqueen‘s death via multiple text-messages on an already terrible early morning at work is so not cool!  (although, thank you for informing me, loves).  i am still incredibly upset, sad, distraught & on the verge of suicide myself!  discussion about that coming soon.  i love you, leealexqueeny!   

*this is now my favorite place in town.  to the two who yelped snarly reviews, fuck off.  the cute young kids who work there obviously don’t like you either, & i hope they spat in your tom yum goong.

*having your own roomy office with a space heater, door shut, not having to play receptionist, answering to a rad boss lady, getting business cards & streaming indie 103 all day long = pretty much the best thing ever.

*attending quiz nights at the bar might make you feel dumb!  be careful of the subject matter.  you know you’re a shoo-in with the boy band category, but if there’s a composer category, you’re totally fucked!  do your homework!   we’re called team speshull.  steal it & you’re dead fucking meat. 

*it’s cool if you love chevelle.  i heart them really hard, too. 

*slightly disgusting bouncers with fucked up teeth & long hair just might steal your heart!  why do you like him?!  who knows!  but he’s so cute & nice in a gross way…and doesn’t even card you anymore!  and he’ll totally smoke your menthol ciggies without wincing!  le heavy sigh…..

*when your husband’s coworker’s exhusband’s family doesn’t want a beautiful, perfectly kept vintage mink coat, and offers it to you…you fucking take it and wear it every day like edie beale would!  i love the live minkies just as much as the next animal rights activist, but this thing’s been dead for a loooong  time–i wouldn’t fret over it. 

*note the ‘crazy’ written on people’s faces from the beginning & take that as a big red flag.  do not engage in facebook drama with these people.

*love your friends.  they’re probably the absolute best anyone could ever ask for…ever!

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goodwill cuntington

posted by:  audra

did you enjoy the play-by-plays of the vadge doctor experience?  of course you did!  everyone loves hearing about speculums & globs of blood flying out of a vagina!  or at least i do.  just sayin’.

i think i mentioned the other day about how we do have some other things going on…so, more antecedents for which we only seem to be lame as of late:

we’ve been so busy, biscuits & me.  why?  wait for it…we’re  finally moving.

i know, right?!  like, across town!  across a river even!  into a house!  and away from our le douche deluxe ‘hood!  where there are actual black people…even hipsters & hippies!   and where we are closer to a cute little co-op than we are to the nearest safeway.  sigh!  a bubbling dutch oven of braised culture & better fashion awaits us.  yes it does.

this, of course, has caused us to totally panic in anticipation, due to the enormous size of our collection of shit.  this house is way cuter and slightly bigger, but has way less storage.  it was built in 1917, so, that was way before it was common for the average gal to have 75 handbags & 90 pairs of shoes.

speaking of which–i cleaned out my closet last weekend.

don’t get all into a tizzy yet–i didn’t get rid of anything that good–mostly just a bunch of flats i used to wear to the winery.  some chunky heels i’ve been hanging onto since i was 19, too.  i also have this super-nice, but weird-fitting cocktail/halter dress.  it’s really cute on the hanger but exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.  it’s been in my closet for 4 years.  the tags are still on it.  it was really fucking expensive.  i’ll probably never wear it.  i opted to keep it.

what i did get rid of:  15 leather handbags & 22 pairs of shoes…and then another 5 pairs i found later…as well as about half of my closet.  i mean, i only wear like, the same 4 rotating outfits anyway…my entire closet is literally jammed full, waaaay past its capacity, as is my dresser…and i never wear any of it.  ever.  i told sam on our 5th carload to the goodwill donation center, “so this is how cute things end up at the goodwill!”  it’s true.  attractive, stylish people who live in terrible, suburban neighbs inevitably have to get rid of large quantities of good shit when they move into an urban neighb.   if you’re ever in goodwill & see a really rad, vintage blue & white colander with a tiny bit of rust on it, it’s mine.  make the purchase & take care of her, please.

anywaysies…this darling little cottage-y structure has a yard, to make up for the extra closet space i’ll be missing.   i have lofty plans for the bare front walk & back patio, i do!   i’ve been the proverbial pent-up crazy plant lady in our building for nearly 8 years.  this year is the first year i haven’t really taken much care of the patio garden–empty urns & dried up chives–in wishful anticipation of moving, which now, of course, we are.  but the dead plants & empty pots are  super-embarrassing!  i’mma make up for it.  promise.  i’ve been dying for hydrangeas.  big ones.  and bee balm would be cute as a border.  and bleeding hearts in a shaded corner for spring?  my head may explode.   jesus.

going through all of our nearly-ten-years-of-built-up-shit has been quite the experience.  interesting stuff we’ve uncovered so far:

  • a dried-up wishbone from a chicken.  i’m pissed there was only one; i had several in a drawer & found just the one!  i’m not even kidding.   we were going to pin them on the wall.  it was going to be awesome.
  • the level that’s been m.i.a. for over a year
  • about a dozen books on hatha yoga, feng shui, astrology & dream analysis
  • an “empty” henckels knife box in the outside storage closet…meaning that it was likely once positioned by the front door for recycling after unboxing said knives, only to use it as a trash bin, fold it up & forget that i’d put trash in it, thus making it a “good box to use for whenever we move later”, putting it into storage & finding it filled with crumpled plastic wrap & butter wrappers 4 years later…oopsies.
  • an artificial christmas tree in 3 pieces
  • 2 sets of christmas ornaments even though we never put up a tree because i hate them
  • miles & miles of speaker wire
  • 1 mystery ac adapter
  • 10 or 11 crappy paintings i did between the ages of 17 & 22
  • the beastie boys licensed to ill on cassette
  • …as well as like, 200 other cassettes.  sam pared it down to around 50.
  • countless bar receipts from 2007, & then a batch of bank receipts from 2003
  • a picture of me at medieval times on my senior trip…shudder.
  • in an old handbag, i found a pre-sale slip from when i worked in the cookware department at meier & frank…in 2000(!) with some lady’s credit card information on it (oopsies!) & the item that she wanted:  a dansk pottery article of some sort.   service ware i think.   something ugly for sure.  the slip had a piece of chewed gum wadded up in it & a note that said, audra, please call me when this becomes available.   thank you, theresa.  i wonder if theresa ever came back for her item?
  • a mini bottle of pravda vodka
  • rough drafts of my 25th birthday party invitations & most of the rsvps…still scented with chanel!
  • 2 sets of pier 1 dishes stashed away that i’d thought we had gotten rid of like, 5 years ago
  • various broken bits of mystery items (plastic; multiple shapes & sizes) that were going to be fixed at one time
  • a bag of mixed european coins…mostly euros
  • a large mac cosmetics shipper containing a single mac compact that was shipped incorrectly to me…clearly the color was meant for a woman with much darker skin than mine.  i never returned it.  i’ve decided to keep it & use it as a bronzer.
  • some sort of bullet in my ‘special box’.  i suspect that a boy gave it to me as a token of affection to remember him by.  sadly, i don’t remember.
  • a concert ticket from 1998 at the tri-cities fairgrounds:  sugar ray, loudermilk…and much to my surprise spoon(?!).  i totally didn’t have any idea spoon had played that show!  my little buddy britt daniel & i go back way farther than i thought.
  • tons & tons of oil paint, acrylics, watercolors & brushes.   and tons & tons of bad art.

oh my god, you guys…i knew we had a lot of stuff…but this is ridiculous.  it’s bad.  i’m just impressed with ourselves that we could fit it all into 925 square feet!  it feels like grey gardens in there, only on a much smaller scale.  and much, much cleaner, of course.

…speaking of which!  did you see it?  we finally watched the new-ish grey gardens with jessica lange & drew barrymore for the first time.  it was sort of meh…  i think i was hoping for more reenactments of the documentary, rather than a movie-movie.  it was pretty good, but drew ruined it for me.  her portrayal of little edie is almost good, but she wrecks it with her voice & bad accent.  her face got in the way sometimes too.   jessica lange, on the other hand, totally fucking nailed big edie!  really frighteningly accurate performance.  amazing.   we ended up watching it twice, and i think as a whole, i liked it better the first time around.  the second time you tend to notice that it really is made for tv & it’s not so great.

oh my god, what if i planted all grey/silvery plants in a couple portions of the yard?  i could call it grey gardens.  ooh…  wait, is that dumb?  or brilliant?

anyway!  that’s that for now, my sweets.   i can’t promise there won’t be any big gaps from here on out…at least for awhile…your favorite little meat sticks are terribly busy as of late, and are going on a quick vacay next week.  pray to baby jeebus with me that the fucking weather will cool soon so that my thighs won’t stick together anymore, and that we’ll come home from seattle with tons & tons of debaucherous & entertaining stories for you!  you’re excited.

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indeed, what WERE they thinking…?!

posted by:  audra

i was milling through an online gossip rag, in the celebrity fashion section.  embarrassing, right?  where the fuck do they find these trolls?!  the critics, i mean.  seriously!  they just don’t know their shit.  at all.  and it got me so worked up & so fucking pissed that i couldn’t handle another second & had to put it to work.  i know it’s not vogue or harper’s…but it still just made me so mad!  let’s look…

exhibit a:  lady gaga.  i’m not wild about her in general, but really admire her fashion courageousness.  she’s always in some costume-y ensemb & almost always looks stunning.  i really liked this one, & the caption on it was this:

“love her or hate her, there’s no denying lady gaga’s unique sense of style. however, in this particular case, unique doesn’t mean fabulous; it means ugly.”

i swear to you, if i owned this dress & it didn’t exacerbate the genetic betrayal that is my legacy…it would be the going-out dress!  the sunglasses are retarded, but the hat & dress are just so. fucking. cute.  love.  i’m just livid they didn’t even mention the designer’s name.  of course!

next!

exhibit b:  madonna in louis vuitton.  i’ve mentioned this one before, and this was actually found in the “worst of the year” section.  it’s green!  feathers!  vuitton!  madonna!  sigh…

exhibit c:  mary-kate olsen.  it’s my girl!  and here they were ragging on her for her “pale skin” & looking like “courtney love”…and i love me some courtney, but this had malicious intent.  that’s two fucking blows to my heart in one photo!  m-k looks so amazing here…and her pale skin?  it’s healthy & not sun-damaged or spray-tanned!  gross!  stop doing that, you guys!  pasty is tasty!

exhibit d:  rachel bilson.  delicious.  i love her…so gorgeous.  in this one they couldn’t stop ragging on her “hiding her frame under a foul phillip lim creation” & “clunky christian louboutin booties”.  ten bucks says that if she would’ve been wearing something form-fitting or whatever, they would have said she should…you know, “eat something”…  sigh!

exhibit e:  drew barrymore.  here she’s at the premiere of the grey gardens remake.  i hate drew.  i really, really do…but she looks really film-appropriate here, don’t you think?   never mind the horrendously awful little edie portrayal she did…the dress & hairpiece are lovely.  edie would’ve loved it, too!

exhibit f:  bobby trendy.  say yes for pink!  he’s obnoxious, but i adore him.  and admire anyone who would wear this out.  fucking rad!

exhibit f:  kat von d.  love!  so fucking hot:  she wears tons of makeup, has tons of tattoos, wears mostly black & is terribly good-looking.  what is not to love?!  this website in question called her an “exhibitionist” & told her to “put her shirt back on”.  and then! one asshole made this comment on the photo:  “i love her too but she is getting a little chubby and needs to give up those pants!”  for real!  god, i hate people.

there.  i feel much better now.  it’s just all very frustrating…  whilst watching red carpet events on the telly, celebrities get ragged on for looking boring like this…but chastised when taking fashion risks like this.  so exhausting!  wear what you want, my little fashion tartlettes!  and for god’s sake, if you see a fashion blogger who rips apart my dita like this…turn your christian lacroix’d ass around & head the other direction.  good night.

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Filed under celebrity gossip, fashion

couture bag lady meets headgear extravaganza

posted by:  audra

okay, audra, becoolbecoolbecool…

you guys ready to lose your shit?!  never mind the crappy perez hilton-esque art i’ve created, but alex was just screaming for a heart to be drawn around him!  i just saw the new alexander mcqueen fall 2009 runway collection… & there just are no words to describe how amazing this stuff is.  okay, maybe a few.  houndstooth.  houndstooth!!  and lots of it!  blacks!  reds!  big hats!  gothic!  big, fat, wax-like lips!  birds!  feathers!  flocking together!  ridiculous hats!  models without eyebrows!

…and i can’t help but think that the hats he designed are a sweet little nod to my idol, isabella blow.  she discovered alex, you know!

ready, kids?!  brace yourselves…you may need to run & grab a towel right quick…your knickers will experience dampness…in fact, you might just come in your panties:

while you’re all in a fashion-tizzy, get your lube ready & watch this.  it’s like fashion porn!  awesome!  and there’s even mention of edie beale.  shit, i think my head may explode.  isn’t this stuff just so fucking rad you can barely stand it?!  oh…it makes my chest feel like hot cherry pie…& then i think of the smell of brand new plastic beach balls & realize that not every single person on earth is a complete moron.  thank you, alex!  i heart you real hard.

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cuffs, stuff & bouviers

posted by:  audra

i was just sitting around this evening, wishing i still owned a debbie gibson record…whilst listening to vintage kimmy gordon & thurston moore of course.  then i thought it wise to peruse the bible since i wasn’t about to purchase ‘lost in your eyes’ from itunes.

so much deliciousness, you guys.  i discovered jewelery designers, giles & brother. you have to visit the website. you just do. a brother & sister designing duo…& you know how i love incest a brother & sister working together with leather & metal(!).  fat leather cuffs, gold safety pin necklaces, screw cufflinks…yum.  of course their naughty internet police wouldn’t let me upload any nuggets to see…of course.  so you just have to go yourself — and ignore the rhinestone bangles.  and the seahorse charm.  and…

speaking of rad, sam & i watched the 1975 documentary, grey gardens tonight for the very first time.  i’ve been absolutely dying to see this film my entire life.  believe it.  i don’t know what the fuck took so long;  i’m obsessed with jackie kennedy…i painted a version of the portrait andy warhol did of her in a college painting class, & listened to ‘jackie’s strength’ by tori amos for weeks;  i ended up leaving my canvas there at the end of the term for a couple weeks, & lo & behold, it was gone when i went to fetch it.  i was heartbroken.   the house of yes is also one of my very, very favorite films ever.  again with the incest.  is that what i get for being an only child?  anyway.  the first time i saw that film, i wanted to splatter fake blood on myself,  glue macaroni to a pink suit & pull a jackie…

…so you can imagine my anticipation for this film.  the documentary follows jackie kennedy’s aunt & first cousin (edith “big edie” ewing bouvier beale & edith bouvier beale “little edie”) as they live in a complete hot mess of a gorgeous twenty-eight room mansion in east hampton.  but the mum & daughter haven’t any money, live in filth, sing constantly, don’t leave the house & have racoons residing in the attic…to which they feed wonder bread.  the health department nearly condemned the house because of its condition, but jackie stepped in & helped clean it up a spot.

this film made me feel crazy just watching it…it totally pulls you in as an eavesdropper, like the maysles brothers are geniuses of doing.  the living conditions of these women are absolutely disgusting, but little edie is still glamorous.  she’s always done up in hose, a skirt –pinned at the hip– heels & a headscarf…because she really hasn’t a hair on her head.  nor eyebrows.  oh god, is this my future?

i had totally forgotten halfway through the film that it was a documentary.  grey gardens is very john waters-esque, only without the divine divine & odor-rama.  it really crushed me that this beautiful estate was being wrecked by former debutantes…jackie must’ve been horrified by the release of this film.   little edie goes on & on about leaving grey gardens…how she hates the country & misses the city, but she never leaves.  it’s sad & hilarious at the same time.  the most gorgeous part of the film is near the beginning when little edie says, “it’s very difficult to keep the line between the past & the present, you know what i mean?”  i nearly passed.  out.  what with rufus wainwright being my bff & all…where have you been all my life?

looky-loo…feel the crazy:

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