Monthly Archives: June 2009

style icon: jamie hince

posted by:  audra

jesus christ, so, evidently, i’ve gotten a bit lazy with my little style icon thursday kick!  oopsies…i totally meant to post this yesterday.  but!  as an added friday bonus, you get the very first male extravaganza.  today’s hot meat treat is jamie hince of the kills.  grab a towel for your seat.

i have never seen jamie or a photograph of jamie where he doesn’t look completely pulled-together in a rumpled–but good–way.  and this is easy to achieve, you guys!  the rock-chic, still-wasted-from-last-night, my-clothes-are-dirty-but-my-belt-costs more-than-your-car look.  get it right!  you can do it!  you can look like jamie!  even if you’re fat or think you’re fat!  all you need are some super-skinny jeans, black boots, a couple of good scarves, a nice tee, maybe a fitted pea coat or leather jacket.  a vest would be a good move too.  some nice sunglasses–not cheap ones.  take up smoking.  and the best accessory that goes with practically everything:  kate moss.

see?!  i fucking told you to get a handbag!

okay, well, maybe he was using that as an overnight bag, but it still looks good.  and look at jamie here; see how he’s fumbling with all that stuff in his hands?  notice him struggling?   i bet he wishes he would have brought his big, red hermes with him to corral his shit:

note the classic pea coat a la ian curtis:

again with the scarves!

i know it’s summer, but hang onto them for couple of months.  or, do what i do:  disregard the weather all together & wear whatever the fuck you want…even if you’re sweating in a black cardigan & tights.  fashion over function!  when you’re dead, do you want anyone to say, gee, he was so…so…functional!  utilitarian even! no.  you want people to say, that fucker knew how to dress!  so snappy!  fashion forward, but effortless at the same time!  incredible style.  always looked dressed to a tea, that one.

you can do it, you guys.  straight boys can be stylish, too!  don’t let all the pretty gays steal your thunder!  jamie is a perfect living example of how easy it is to be hot without having to put forth heaping scoops of effort.  how do you think he got kate moss for christ’s sake!

 

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excess baggage

posted by:  audra

this fucker has let me down.  look at him, so smug with that retarded stephen sprouse graffiti!  but let’s make this snappy; i’m in a big hurry to get drunk before 11 & finish my augusten burroughs trilogy.

so, remember the marc jacobs handbag i purchased last november to reward myself for losing a certain amount of weight, when in actuality i never lost it & purchased the bag anyway?  it’s falling apart.  it is.  the internal stitching is fraying, the straps are peeling & the bottom looks like i’ve dragged it across the parking lot behind slow bar.  which i’ve done with some of my handbags, but never this one.

truthfully, i was never happy with the handbag to begin with.  this could be why she’s turning on me.  i wanted black; she was brown.  ‘bat brown’.  i settled for bat brown because the structure is nice, & there was no black option for that particular bag.  and it has tons of room.  seriously you guys, i could fit at least one premature baby in there…probably two.  twins.  and the latest issue of vogue, along with some lipgloss, a travel umbrella, spare panties just in case, perhaps a midsized perfume, too.  i grew to like her, even though she clashed badly with my reoccurring blackwear.

i noticed the scuffs & scrapes on the bottom & was slightly annoyed, but i let it slide.  then the straps started cracking.  then peeling.  then peeling some more.

i was pissed.  one doesn’t spend nearly five-hundred dollars on a tote to watch it die before her eyes six months later.

i investigated the zappos.com returns & exchange policy yesterday, the place from which bat brown betsey came.   actually, the couture side of zappos from which it was purchased.  it clearly states that for one to receive a refund or exchange, the merchandise must be in new condition, as well as in its original packaging…of which i tossed in a fit of feng shui the night i’d unwrapped it.  so, yesterday i emailed zappos.  and bitched.  nicely.

i told them that i was extremely happy with the bag at first… and that now the straps were falling apart… all that shit.  i may have exaggerated a little, but i shouldn’t have to put up with an mj taking its last breath so soon…especially when it took years of abuse for the heel of my red marc jacobs shoes to break on me.

this is what i got back, less than twenty-four hours later:

“i’m very sorry that the marc jacobs softy tote is not holding up as well as expected.  although the item has been used, we will allow you to return or exchange the bag as a one-time courtesy.”

but wait.  it gets better.

“i have taken the liberty of emailing you a pre-paid ups return label…we will ship the exchange order out right away, before we receive your return.  we only ask that your return order is received within 14 days of the exchange being shipped.”

how easy is that?  amazing customer service.  i’m not even sure if nordstrom would be that courteous.  so this is my very quick zappos plug:  they are awesome & will not let you down like a light tampon on an unexpected heavy day.  believe it!

the return part is set.  the replacement is another story.

i’ve spent hours looking at handbags.  do you know how many hideous bags there are out there?!  hearts, charms, zippers askew…and that’s only the high-end ones.  sigh.  i even considered taking the refund & spending my reimbursement elsewhere.  still, nothing.  well, not nothing–i did find a lovely alexander mcqueen that made my thighs sticky, but it would cost me at least two entire paychecks…which probably isn’t a wise decision.  tempting though.

i’ve decided to go with another jacobs.  i know, i know…it will probably fall apart on me too.  i just love him so much!  and they’re the only ones i like…really!  and, since i am able to return this one after almost seven months of wear in exchange for another, it’s sort of like having the new one for that long & so if it breaks apart like the one before, it’s like i’ve had that one for a year, which is better than six or seven months.  right?  i’ll keep you posted.

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Filed under Diary, fashion

talk of hot dogs, bladder infections & half-assed movie reviews

posted by:  audra

good evening, lovelies.  did everyone have a blow-your-head-off/i-just-ate-16-hot-dogs-awesome father’s day weekend?  i did.  except there were no wieners involved whatsoever.  this time.  at least in the frankfurter sense.  i managed to avoid all processed meats and processed cheeses(!) this weekend in favor of cooking things that are good for me at home.  aaaand, i worked out both saturday and sunday.  which never, ever happens on the weekend…  aaaand, lost 2 pounds.  finally.

my current weight:  158.0.

which is good.  considering the first week — my efforts consisted of 2 days of sweating & eating well, then following that up with 5 days of laze & massive amounts of beer consumption…along with gratuitous snacking.  i’m gross.

anyway, this last friday night we went a’trolloping to whole foods, which always inspires me to eat well.  it’s the one place i actually enjoy grocery shopping.   i picked out some lovely filet mignon & gathered some things for a potato salad…don’t worry!  the cute kind of potato salad!  not the yellow kind with cut up egg, mayo & relish!  this one is some sort of french recipe i had scrawled onto a note card in 2001(!).  i think it’s from saveur magazine…?  and why i didn’t just cut the thing out of the mag, i’ll never know.   anyway, the salad consists of fingerling potatoes (whole foods was out; i used baby reds), lots of tarragon, good kosher salt, cracked pepper & champagne vinegar.  that’s it!  oh, & apparently some mayonnaise…even though i would swear it was olive oil & vinegar based…it had likely been seven years since i’d last made it & i didn’t remember assembling it with mayonnaise like the recipe had suggested…but i followed along & did the mayo anyhow.  it only called for 3-4 teaspoons, but…

next time i’ll leave it out.  i think just some olive oil would be much, much better.

so that was that, & with some of this, and to start we had my favorite, favorite come-in-your-panties-amazing goat milk truffle tremor cheese, a triple creme delice de bourgogne, and a lovely oregon gorgonzola…cleverly or retardedly named oregonzola.  i can’t decide which.  i took some drunken photographs of the half-eaten cheese plate, only to realize later how gross it looked smeared across a pink depression glass plate.  maybe next time i’ll think first.

yeeeeah, sorry about that.  but the little dish of honey?  lover-ly with the delice de bourgogne.  amazing, in fact.

this was the filet mignon & such…i know it looks ghetto!  and sparse!  it does!  but it was awesome.  i swear it.  next time i’ll dress the plate up with flair & glitter…but i was super-tired & starving by this time.  this photo is purely for ‘proof that i made it’ purposes.  we had some sort of cheap $17 pinot from california with it, too.  block 45 or something?  i don’t remember…but it wasn’t terrible!

saturday was completely unproductive.  i had lofty plans of getting up early (9 or 10-ish), getting all of the laundry done, including the sheets, clearing off the patio, cleaning the floors & being showered & dressed-up by 3pm.  but i should know by now that once these sort of inspirational plans are sought, i will fail tremendously at them.

i got up at 1:00.  then realized that we needed haricot verts, basil & some fresh anchovies for the niçoise platter i was to put together later.  i did minimal cleaning, if any, read my book, melted some fat off of my thighs–courtesy of mustang sally–and was barely out of the shower at 5.  which in turn, landed us back at whole foods around 6:30.

i think dinner commenced at 9 or 9:30 that night after a floundered attempt at watching nighthawks (not the one that was made in the 80s with sylvester stallone, you guys!  jesus!), supposed to be “very controversial” & “daring”1970s film about gay men in london.  this one guy’s a middle school teacher, so he’s forced to be closeted, blah blah blah, then goes out to the clubs to fag it up at night…leading a double life.  sound exciting?  it’s not.  it’s totally boring & i would swear there is absolutely no dialog within the first 20 minutes of the film–in a non-dramatic way.

anyway, this niçoise platter…so easy, you guys… so easy!  if you make this for your friends, i promise they will think you are brilliant in the kitchen & love you forever!  you might even get laid.  it’s that pretty.  you just make a french potato salad (not the tarragon one i mentioned before, but one with basil, flat-leaf parsley, scallions & a vinaigrette–dijon mustard, champagne vinegar, olive oil, good kosher salt & cracked pepper.), & assemble the rest:  grilled ahi steaks, arugula, steamed haricot verts, good anchovies, kalamata olives, heirloom tomatoes & a hard-cooked chicken egg.  i took drunken photographs of this too…nothing great, but you get the picture…

sunday was a movie day that totally made up for that nighthawks debacle!  first we watched a french horror/ thriller, set in romania that we’ve been dying to watch called them (ils in french).  get this immediately.  i’m not even kidding.  i even gambled on a bladder infection because i didn’t want to pause it to make a break for the loo!

…and we also watched dear zachary.  a documentary made by a guy named kurt who loves his childhood friend andrew.  andrew gets murdered by his psychotic ex-girlfriend.   kurt goes all over searching for the people who were in andrew’s life, & interviewing them.  drama ensues.  and i’m telling you, i’ve never cried so much during a movie everrrrr. that shit ripped my heart out.  watch it this weekend, you guys!  it’s amazing.

sigh.  okay.  that’s it.  you’re caught up.  goodnight!  i love you!

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Filed under food

we love you: installment two

posted by:  audra

i’ve been looking at the search history used to find our blog once again, & think it’s time for another one of these…some are just too awesome not to share!  here are some of my favorites since last march:

  • 1950’s fuck my mom (awesome.)
  • “fever ray” “creepy song”
  • “sitting shoes”
  • im sorry wrist cut suicide
  • bloody wrist
  • deep cut wrist (jesus, you guys!)
  • anorexic bondage
  • tall fuck (really…?)
  • i’m on a boat
  • “flat chested” “training bra”
  • “fishnets over my head”
  • katey segal feet
  • katey sagal beauty
  • peggy bundy
  • bastards of young (the band or the song?  maybe both?  sigh.  the mind quails.)
  • menswear review (good work…as you should be reviewing menswear!)
  • sweet jane blackboots & blackhearts  (and sometimes when you blog about bands, they find your blog and then they blog about you blogging about them!!  fucking rad!)

and my personal favorite…

wait for it…

ready…?

  • lucky guy fucking audra

and of course it’s about me!

anyway, this all tells me that the strangers we’re attracting are suicidal masochists with a penchant for katey sagal.  and i’m perfectly okay with that.

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everything you ever wanted to know

posted by:  audra

this was totally not my idea.  i was poking around on one of my favorite girl’s blog & happened upon this gentleman’s blog.  on the latest post, he was talking about the facebook quiz where you write up questions about yourself & then your friends look like assholes because they don’t know a single thing about you.  now, i love talking about myself & creating audra trivia, so of course i jumped on this…

…and my friends did horribly. 

granted, the questions were a little tricky…but i’m certainly not going to ask, what’s my favorite color? for fuck’s sake!  jesus christ!  get it together, you guys!  anyway, this guy’s blog, he posted his fb questions with the answers as well as the story behind them…because his friends did so horribly as well.  brilliant!

who wants to know more about me!?  you!  you do!  okay.  get comfortable, take your pants off, get some lube handy…whatever makes you content.  maybe if you’re really hurting for something to do, you can do the quiz as you read?!  but of course, don’t skip ahead to the answers if you plan on doing that.  anyway.  let’s go!

1.  if i had to pick just one record to listen to for the rest of my life…

a)  funeral – arcade fire

b)  to bring you my love – pj harvey

c)  horses – patti smith

d)  xo – elliott smith

e)  deep cuts – the knife

answer:  b.  to bring you my love. don’t fret; this was even difficult for me to decide on.  everyone who took my quiz assumed it would be horses. every single person.  and while i adore the patster to pieces, to bring you my love, as a whole, is a much more perfect record.  it has everything; stripped down folksy guitar, juicy bass, distortion, shrill screaming, whistle blowing, quiet lusty bits…sigh!

2.  underpinning of choice…

a)  thong panties

b)  crotchless panties

c)  garter belt

d)  full-back cotton briefs

e) none.

answer:  e.  obvs!  thank god no one had me pegged for a cotton-brief gal.  gross!  i have always enjoyed fancy panties…even when i was a little girl, i would not tolerate the gross cottony ones, with the fiercely uncomfortable waistband.   they had to be satiny, lacy, what have you.  and whilst i have a stockpile of the snatchless variety, those are novelties.  same with the garter belts.  several years ago, i started leaving them at home when we’d go out to shows & such.  sort of like a dirty little secret.  so exciting.  then i realized that going without is just so much better!  and easier!  all the time!  you wouldn’t believe how fast i am in the loo when we’re out at bars.  people are amazed.  really!  it saves a step!

3.  when i get home, i put on…

a)  cropped yoga pants & a fleece

b)  fitted black tee & jeans

c)  juicy couture tracksuit

d)  vintage chemise

e)  a ratty ‘can’t be seen in public’ dress

answer:  a.  surprised?  maybe a little?  the vintage chemise was a popular choice amongst my friends…which does happen occasionally.  mostly that’s only for sleepwear though.  a little black top & jeans only happens occasionally too, as with the ratty dress…but almost daily, i will come home & pull on one of two pairs of stretchy black yoga pants & my half-zip fleece.  unlikely, i know.  it’s comfortable…and typically i’m not an advocate for comfort, but i know that in the evenings i can sit in my chaise with my knees up  & not rip the seams out of something like a delicate chemise.

4.  once, whilst entertaining dinner guests at home, i…

a)  burnt a raspberry tart

b)  accidentally served raw chicken

c)  singed my lashes while caramelizing creme brulee

d)  cut the tip of my finger off

e)  slipped, then dropped & shattered a bottle of wine

answer:  d.  oh, the horror…the horror!  here i was, preparing citrus cream pasta with some sauteed mushrooms on the side.  the mushrooms are amazing.  you first caramelize them in olive oil, then add some thyme & garlic, and deglaze the pan with white wine.  so easy, & somewhat impressive.   anyway, sam & i had two friends over for dinner, and i like to do the prep work in the kitchen while they converse at the adjacent dining table  (i should also mention i like very low-lighting so everyone looks nice.  even in the kitchen–at least when guests are over). sooo, i’m furiously fine-chopping the thyme at the counter when i felt a little nick on my left index finger.  it wasn’t painful…i had just gotten a brand new super-sharp santoku knife, & apparently it’s so sharp you can’t even feel it slicing through your fingertip.  i didn’t think much of it & resumed chopping.  then i realized i was bleeding everywhere & quickly excused myself to the loo for investigation before anyone could notice i’d made a drunken oopsie.  i was missing a good portion of fingertip, including part of the nail.  totally panicked, i whispered for sam to come help me stop the bleeding…and we’re out of bandaids.  all we have is bactine & paper towels.  awesome.  sam decides to call in our female friend from the dining room, who was a plastic surgeon’s assistant at that time.  we’ll call her dr. s.  she asked where our first aid kit was.  first aid kit…?  really?  we did the best we could, what with the all the blood drunky was letting flow…then sam & dr. s went to the store for gauze, medical tape & such.  dr. s said that she would’ve taken me to urgent care for stitches…if there was anything to stitch back together.  so, here i am alone, making awkward conversation & nervous laughter with dr. s’s husband.  they finally return — with medical supplies, flowers & the new vanity fair.  with tom ford on the cover.  bless them.  once cleaned up & properly bandaged, i returned to the kitchen to clean up a bit & noticed a hunk of my flesh still clinging to the blade.  of course, i quickly (and discretely) snatched up this new prized possession, & wrapped it in saran wrap for later viewing.  we ended up dining on the dessert that i’d prepared earlier in the day & the night ended not-surprisingly early.  that shit bled for a fucking week.   the moral:  even if it makes everyone look like hideous beasts, use the overhead lighting in your kitchen whist in possession of sharp, pointy things.  and try not to get drunk before doing so, too.

5.  typically, my favorite films are in this genre…

a)  indie

b)  b-movie

c)  spaghetti western

d)  foreign

e)  horror

answer:  e.  horror.  obviously.  i’ll spare you the explanation since that last one ran on a bit long.  whoopsies.

6.  of these pet peeves, i hate this the most…

a)  gross eaters

b)  singing along at concerts

c)  throat clearing

d)  sneezing

e)  girls who end every sentence with a question mark?

answer:  a.  gross eaters are my worst pet peeve ever.  so. fucking. sick.  i really can’t handle it…a stray crumb on the lip, pepper in the teeth, the chewing sounds, swallowing sounds…crunching?!  that’s the worst!  and plate scraping….shudder.  and i’ve also decided that more than i hate singing along at concerts, i hatehatehate the whoos, ows & yips emitted from the fucking retards at shows.  god, i hate it so much.  the other night at pj harvey, there were so many of those.  especially in the quiet parts of songs.  one more “yeeeeah polly!  thanks for coming!!  owwww!” and i would have fucking lost it!  you go to see an artist, you go & keep your god damn mouth shut!  even if you have to eat something to keep you quiet.  just don’t eat it around me.

7.  when i’m old, i want to be like…

a)  lauren bacall

b)  betsey johnson

c)  ellen burstyn

d)  vivienne westwood

e)  anjelica huston

answer:  e.  this was a tough one apparently.  i thought it’d be easy for you?  come on you guys, the black hair?  bangs?  forever wearing black articles of clothing?  red lippy?  please.  i’ve been obsessed with anjelica huston for as long as i can remember.  she’s just so…delicious.

8.  my fetish fantasy is…

a)  bondage

b)  trip to a hot gynecologist

c)  gas station attendant

d)  sex with my brother…if i had one

e)  all of the above

answer:  e.  indeed.  and don’t hate, for god’s sake…sam gives me enough shit about the gas station thing.  i’m not sure what it is exactly…the little uniform shirt smudged with motor oil?  the act of putting the phallic pump that oozes into my empty gas tank?  maybe the gas fumes cloud my judgment & these guys are all total losery trolls?   that can’t be it.  and the incest thing is probably because i’m an only child & i had a fairly normal childhood.  it’s exotic.  like the dreamers. and house of yes.  delicious.

9.  my favorite guilty-pleasure movie is…

a)  13 going on 30

b)  just like heaven

c)  the sisterhood of the traveling pants

d)  what a girl wants

e)  freaky friday

answer:  a.   most of you should know this by now…come on, you guys.  13 going on the 30 sounds retarded, but it really is quite good.  and for the record, i have never seen what a girl wants.  at least in its entirety.  and just like heaven was like, the worst.  movie.  ever.  not to mention complete with a dreadful cover the cure’s song of the same name.  just awful.

10.  i always, ALWAYS shower this many times a day…

a)  once

b)  twice

c)  three times

d)  four time

e)  i don’t shower

answer:  b.  twice.  always.  every day.  even if i don’t take my first shower until 4 in the afternoon, i must shower again before even breathing on the sheets.  obviously i shower before getting ready each day; i’ve never understood people that can just pull on some clothes & go.  it sickens me.  and then when i go to bed at night, i can’t even fathom putting on my satin unmenionables without being freshly shaven & moisturized.  i just can’t.  it’s too icky.

11.  film i have seen over 20 times & never get sick of…

a)  reality bites

b)  pretty in pink

c)  poltergeist

d)  the shining

e)  beautiful girls

answer:  b.  oh, pretty in pink!  it’s very likely that i’ve seen all of these over twenty times, but i’ve probably shut them off halfway through after the 9th or 10th time.  i can always watch pink all the way through & it always sounds good.  but so does the shining…it’s just so long.

and there you have it!  don’t you feel way less stupid now?!

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bitches saltin’ my game

posted by:  audra

i meant to post something earlier, but i was busy making out with david sedaris…that’s an entirely other post for another day.  get excited.

behold, my pretties — these little dicks are back this season to ruin my life yet again:

you’d think what with the lack of greenery on our third story balcony, that this would not be an ideal dwelling place for little asshole tree frogs.  but! they find their way back every year.  i hate them.  yes, they eat insects.  but, they also eat the pretty ladybugs that i love, and sometimes even buy.  one year, in an effort to exterminate some aphids on my roses organically, i purchased some ladybugs…only to find them being consumed at warp speed by these fucking wicked creatures of skank.

they jump on me.  they mock me whilst i’m sitting on my patio.  they scoff at my attempts to chase them off by tapping my gardening spade on the railing.  they think it’s hilarious!  they do!  they stare me down & i have nightmares about them invading my living space.  true story!  believe it!  my most feared death is that scene in magnolia where all the frogs are falling from the sky.  sweet jesus, that shit is scary:

the other day — sunday i believe — i went out to do some much needed planting on the patio.  i had several basil plants, grasses & such that needed some potting.  so, i put on my hot pink gardening gloves & my sequined patio flats & went to town.

i picked up the crate the basil plants were in.  resting underneath like a sneaky snake was a smug tree frog, just sitting there, waiting for me to piss my knickers upon uncovering it.  it was dark green.  i gasped & shouted at sam to come investigate.  i was pissed because of course this was the vessel i was to use for my basil & i wasn’t about to touch this thing.  sam & i tapped the spade at it.  i flicked dirt on it.  it laughed & jumped a few inches.  i told it to get the fuck off my patio.  i glared at it.  it glared at me.

hours later, i found it hovering in the corner on the railing.  then it moved.  jumped. moved again.  then finally jumped to its death off the balcony.

thank god that was over with, & i wasn’t (entirely) responsible for it.

but!  just when i think it’s safe…?  another one shows up tonight!  its cuter, younger, smaller, hipper version of the one that was here before!  unbelievable.  every year!  i fucking hate it & i hate frogs!  they do not need to be on a third floor balcony when we have acres of green space & wetlands beneath us!  it’s bullshit!   selfish fucks.

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some girls are bigger than others

posted by:  audra

okay.  check it:

last night, i did some exercise.

and tonight…?

i did some more.

i have also read an entire book in less than 4 days & started another.

i’m not sure what’s going on with me, but i think it may have something to do with a little mini-mental-meltdown i had on sunday evening.  i’ve realized that i have been lamenting about having a little extra cush on my tush for forever & we’re all way sick of it.  but mostly, i’m pushing thirty & i don’t want to exit my twenties being unhappy with my fat-girl arms.

and i also want to read more because it will make me smarter, wittier, more clever & irresistible to be around.

so there.  everyone wins!  nobody wants to sit next to a dumb, dull fatty.

but wait!  there’s more.  i’ve decided to disclose to you my actual, real, bloody, raw weight.  i’m not a typical girl in never wanting to reveal my weight, but it is a little humiliating to do in public.  i did this to myself!  mama’s lazy & the girl likes to drink.  and sit.  i can’t help it!  ready?  wait for it, suck in your beer gut, hold your breath…

160.0

exactly.

my weight is one thing, my height — quite another.  but anyway!  i feel this will force me to keep it up; if i periodically write updates about my progress.  so, get excited!  your friend audra is about to get more attractive.

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baggy jeans, man-skirts &….flannel!

posted by:  audra

boo-fucking-hoo, you guys!  you knew that the serious side of me — the “real me”, or whatever — wasn’t going to stick around forever, right?  i could use a healthy dose of shallow right now, couldn’t you?!  let’s look at clothes.  maybe shoes.  maybe even handbags.  fuck it!  maybe even sack-dresses & the return of baggy jeans on women! you only live once, right?!

jumpsuits.  i still want one.  and i’m still kicking myself for putting that awesome 80’s blue & black satin jumpsuit with the shoulder pads back on the rack at ray’s ragtime several months ago.  biggest regret of my life.  it looked kinda like this one:

and this betsey johnson one is so darling:

i am still sick of baggy jeans on katie holmes or whoever is wearing them.  especially rolled up.  god, it looks so retarded:

christ, just looking at this photograph makes me feel like i have scabies or something.  like, when you put a jacket or sweater over something already long -sleeved, and then the already long-sleeved article gets bunched up & rolls up your arm as you put the other thing on…?  you know what i mean?  that’s the worst feeling ever!  aside from putting on wet jeans, of course.

wow.  grunge is apparently making a comeback on the runways, & this lovely frump-deluxe ensemb is from preen!  enjoy:

where would one even think to wear that?!  like for real!  i can’t even fathom wearing that monstrosity to bed!  so gross!

this next one is by charlotte ronson.  i call it ‘angela chase joins the cast of gossip girl‘:

and that is the only thing i would ever consider going hiking in ever, if i were held at gunpoint to go hiking, anyway.

oh jesus.  i didn’t intend to turn this into a fashion rant, but look at this:

boys, if saw any of you walking down the street wearing this, i would make fun of you.  to your face.  it’s skater-douche-couture.  we can thank blaak for that waste of fabric & slave-labor.

mmmkay, enough bitching.  you know what i wish?  i wish more men would carry handbags.  i know most guys could really use one or two hanging around.   no bulging pockets!  no broken sunglasses!  no keys hanging off their beltloops!  just look at these dashing young men & their purses:

see?  plenty of room for your axe body spray & vitamin water.  okay, but really… i’m serious.  get a fucking bag already.

okay, just one more thing:  so whilst you boys are working on that, i’ve decided to incorporate more polka dots and animal print into my wardrobe — together!

i’m pretty sure i could pull that off, you think?!

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last tango in paris

posted by:  audra

your mom called.  popoo died in his sleep last night in paris.  the white house just called her to get clearance for president obama; he wants to mention him in his speech in normandy tomorrow.”

what?!”  i’m totally caught off guard.  “are you fucking kidding me?”  i was shaking.

this is the conversation between sam & i the moment i arrived home from work on friday.  my grandfather has been quite ill for some time.  lymphoma.  the past several months, he’s been getting blood transfusions probably more often than i’m at the bar.

he went to europe last week for the 65th anniversary of d-day; he was a world war ii veteran, going back with his old war buddies to visit the battlefields there — normandy, holland & bastogne.  he made halfway through his 2-week vacation before dying in his hotel bed in the middle of the night.

the next day, he was to see president obama make a speech before the remaining vets at omaha beach; now the president would be honoring his death at the event:

One such veteran, a man named Jim N– was a member of the 502nd Parachute Infantry Regiment of the 101st Airborne.  Last night, after visiting this cemetery for one last time, he passed away in his sleep.  Jim was gravely ill when he left his home, and he knew that he might not return.  But just as he did sixty-five years ago, he came anyway.  May he now rest in peace with the boys he once bled with, and may his family always find solace in the heroism he showed here.

In the end, Jim N– came back to Normandy for the same reason we all come back.

i was shaken up, but i couldn’t get the tears to come.  we weren’t close.  i was more concerned with my mother’s state; she was very close with him.   i’d been dreading this day my entire life.

when i finally got enough strength to call my mom, she was surprisingly calm about it.  she had expected this.  apparently, my grandfather had prepared travel insurance in case this very thing happened; everything would be taken care of.

i think the last fond memory i have of him, was when i was 10 or 11.  he would make me give him a big bear hug before leaving their house, the tighter the better.   being a huge baseball fanatic, he bought me a baseball mit & ball and would play catch with him in the field by their house.  i hated it.  maybe he was just trying to get in some quality time with his only grandchild, but i felt like he was trying to mold me into what he wanted in a granddaughter.  as i got older & developed my own sense of self, we grew further apart.  we could hardly make it through christmas dinner without butting heads about politics, homosexuality or why i was vegetarian for seven years.

so, it’s offical:  i’m grandparent-less.  my grandmother, upstaging me as usual, died on my 25th birthday nearly four years ago.  and i didn’t think i would, but i miss them both.  i will miss grammy & popoo bickering at the dining room table & even when stating how “anyone who marches in a gay-pride parade ought to be shipped down to san francisco!” at thanksgiving.

so now, i’m sitting here, googling his name & the results are staggering.  people saying he’s going to be ‘buried in belgium’ and was exhibiting flu-like symptoms complete with speculation of swine flu(?!)…he had fucking cancer, you morons!  he’s had “flu-like” symptoms for over a year because of the cancer & medication.  i’m not sure if he would quickly come to my defense if he were still alive, but i can’t stand to read this shit & let people draw their own conclusions.

i just hope i’m lucky enough to have such a glamorous death:  at an old age, in paris, quietly in my sleep…with press coverage — provided it’s accurate.

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surprise! part trois

posted by:  Sam & audra

audra: well, well, well…someone is back from his blog sabbatical.

Sam: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  You’re excited.  Where the fuck have I been?  Your guess is as good as mine.  I’m lame, and I know it… but I’m here now.  With Gramps Bowie in tow.  We’ve got Low on right now.  I just watched a documentary on the Bio channel about David Bowie.  It made me hungry for something from the Berlin trilogy.  Low it is.  God, I love this album.  “Sound and Vision“??  Come on…

audra: duh-licious.  man, what was with him storing all his bodily fluids in jars?  anywayz…yeah, i think low is really under-appreciated.  i like it more every time i listen to it.  a 1977 bowie; a bit mature, but still young & tight.  and even better now that we recently(!) learned that he was living with uncle iggy during his berlin period.

Sam: Young and tight… I remember those days.  It really is a great record.  How can you go wrong with something that David Bowie, Iggy Pop & Brian Eno all had their hands on?  And all the synth goodness?!  Come on.  You had me at helLOW.  Oh snap!

audra: oh SNAP!  jesus.  but really, i think low could be released tomorrow & sound totally new.  that doesn’t happen very often!  talk about sound & vision…

Sam: Ok, ok… Thin Lizzy.  You’re welcome.

audra: yesssssss!!!  sigh.  jesus christ, i love them.  i really, really do.  jailbreak.  more sighs!  phil lynott has this like, juicy voice or something about him.  delicious.  like he’s a wet-kisser — but not in a gross way.  like he has a healthy appetite for sex.  i don’t know.  something about his voice just says, i give good head.

Sam: He sounds like a young Elvis Costello to me.  Only dirtier, and sexier, and black.  I bet his lizzy isn’t very thin.

audra: i bet you’re right.  he IS sort of elvis costello-y!  like el ripped off his glasses, fro’d his hair out & drank some cheap beer.  mmm, cowboy song. i have a real soft spot for this one!  it starts out embarrassing, but it’s just so fucking good!  comforting.  same with romeo and the lonely girl we heard earlier.  phil has a certain sadness to his voice…i think that’s why i like it; sort of like i just want to scoop him up, wrap a blanket around him & tell him that he won’t always be a tortured artist.  oh em gee!  i think i hear little kristen hersh & her throwing moooses…

Sam: Funny, when I was little I totally thought ‘Muses” was pronounced ‘Mooses’.  Fucking hell.  Throwing Muses were a major part of my youth.  Especially this record, University.  It came out when I was 14 or 15 and has been one of my favorite albums ever since.  It makes me feel hot & sweaty and a little anxious.  Just like being 15.  Hearing lines like, “I’ll start at his knees, and end in his dreams” kind of fucked me up back then… but clearly, it fucked me up in a good way… right?!

audra: wild!  this fits perfectly in with my fantasy of nursing phil lynott:  right after the tortured artist statement i made to him, he turned to me & cooed, “…and i think i need a little poi-son”.  what a drama queen.

Sam: Drama queen, indeed.

audra: this is a good record.  it took me awhile to warm up to kristen’s voice, but once i did, i loved it.  she’s what stevie nicks would be if she were young & making alternative music in the 90s.  right?!

Sam: Ooh, good call.  I’ve loved her forever.  I think she is incredible.  Doesn’t she live in Portland now?  What ever happened to 50 Ft. Wave??  OMG!  “Teller” is on.  This shiz if my favorite song on the whole album.  It is fucking incredible.  For real.  “after all this is over, this is over after all“…

audra: i forgot about 50 foot wave!  whatevs.  i’m actually surprised we haven’t run into her around town yet.   ooookey, so, i just picked garbage verson 2.0. i was 17 or 18 when it was released…and i swear to you, if it weren’t for garbage & tori amos, i totally would have slit my wrists in high school.  so dramatic!  listening to it now, it’s hardly deep or anything, but it spoke to me in a way only a mizundastood 17 year old head could understand.

Sam: It certainly wasn’t that important to me back then, but I like it.  A lot.  I saw them for the first time (out of three total) in 1998.  It was amazing.  It was at a mini festival at the Memorial Coliseum with The Flys (shudder!), Cake (shudder!), Soul Coughing, Violent Femmes and Sugar Ray (shudder!)… it was an accoustic set and it totally melted my face.

audra: word.  man, sugar ray.  i saw them when they were nobodies at the fairgrounds in the tri-cities!  the bassist totally liked me.  we were leaning on the stage.  sigh.  anyway!  back to the topic at hand:  garbage.  verson 2.0 fondly remind me of heartbreak, not washing my hair [ever], fishnets, knee-high platform boots & dresses from hot topic.  and i remember writing all the lyrics out to you look so fine out in my journal.  those were the days.

Sam: Gross.  Dirty hair & Hot Topic??  Sick!  This record reminds me of moving to Portland and being on my own for the first time… Living in a gross, damp, moldy basement apartment… yuck!  I think it’s time to put the ipod on shuffle, yes?

audra: yes!!  first song betsey ipod picked:  way out yeah yeah yeahs from show your bones. lovely.  this is actually one of my very favorite songs the yyys have ever done!  i really love how karen delivers the fits around me so tight! part.  goosey bumps every time!

Sam: Me too.  It makes me hard.  God I love them.  Ooh, Thom YorkeAnd It Rained All Night… this song reminds me of the beach.  We went right after this record was released.  We listened to it the whole way there, druing the stay, and the whole way back… have we listened to it since??

audra: actually…i listen to it pretty often.  just bits of it here & there.  jealous?  ookey, see you, depeche mode. it’s fun.  what year is this?  early.  it’s good.  so fun, so faggy.

Sam: Early 80’s… I have no idea the exact year.  The beer has ruined my brain tonight.  “don’t you know that it’s true.  All I want to do is, see you“.  Ooh, “hips like Cinderella…” I hear Pixies!!  …and it was over as fast as it came.  It’s little Stevie!

audra: but back to tame quickly…i love that shit so much.  that song in particular.  i once had a [redacted] who hated the pixies, and really hated that song.  she thought frank was saying “pain” & thought it was really subversive.  in a bad way.  what an idiot!  we don’t speak anymore.  anyway, i was made to love you!  only our ipod could follow pixies up with stevie wonder.  let’s quail in the wonder.  next!

Sam: Cooooooonquest“… Patti Page!  Delicious.  This a fucking brilliant song.  Even though the White Stripes tried to ruin it, it held its own.  It’s a ferocious song.  It sounds kind of pretty, but unless you want your dick bitten off, I wouldn’t mess with it!

audra: word!  k.  mr. mystery by fabienne delsol.  i adore her work!  for real.  she brings a real retro feel to her music like you’re stuck in paris, 1963, eating from street vendors & wishing pierre would hurry the fuck up & take you to get your absinthe fix.

Sam: Now we’re on to Thieves Like UsProgram of the First Part“… I have to admit, I will like your band almost instantly if you’re named after a New Order song… and they deliver.  This shiz is good.  Real good.

audra: agreed.  i like them very much…dancey, but cool dancey.  a drunken, drug-induced trip to babylon — after-hours.

Sam: The ceiling is moving“… yes!  PJ HarveyWhen under Ether.  Fuck.  I love this song.  This is a sexy song.  It’s a little somber, but fucking hot.  I wannt to strip down and touch myself.    This is going kind of fast… while Audra messes with her garter belt, we’re on to SnowdenLike Bullets“.  Sexy.

audra: that shit is pissing me off.  the one time i really want to wear a garter belt & the back right thigh won’t stay fastened.  fuck it.  my hand are cramping & i’m tired of messing with it.  hat is off, too.  jesus christ!  anyway, snowden is awesome.  i fucking love them.  terribly underrated, they are!  this isn’t one of my favorite tracks from them, but still good nonetheless!  perfect first song.  just perfect.  next!

Sam:  Donovan.  “Season of the Witch”.  Just take that damn belt off.  All you do is witch, witch, witch.

audra: witching is my game, baby.

Sam: Witchy woman.  I hate that song.  Glad it’s not on the ipod.

audra: i hate that song too.  gross.  what’s next?  shall we skip ahead?  greek song by rufus wainwright.  i think it’s hilarious that my mom loves this record.  you turn me on, the girl is gone, so come on…

Sam: If she only knew… I love this record.  And this song.  The only thing that really bothers me though, is the line “I will dream in Barnes & Nobles“.  Nobles?  I hate it when people tack an ‘s’ onto things.  It’s Barnes & Noble, stupid.  Oh God, The Jesus and Mary ChainHead On“… more like hard on.

audra: yep.  so good.  except, we need to re-add this to the ipod…it starts skipping right towards the end…riiiight about….yeah.  there it goes.

Sam: Yessss!!  “Pass the Hatchet” by The Godzillas.  I fucking love this song.  60’s girl pop makes my pants tight and weak in the knees.  This song makes me want to host a naked dance party…  wow, short song.  We’re now on to “Sleepwalking” by 120 Days.  Nom nom nom nom, to quote a great friend (whose b*irthday happens to be today… HAPPY BIRTHDAY, b*!!!)… “I want to eat each and everyone of their asses”… word!

audra: thanks.  thanks for taking not one, but TWO songs!  damn!  why you always saltin’ my game?!  but yes, happy b*day, b!  we heart you real hard.  on to brigitte bardot & serge gainsbourg comic strip. it’s good, but embarrassing… SHEBAM! POW! BLOP! WIZZ!  jesus christ.

…mmkay, whilst sam laces my corset (for real! my new plan is to train my waist tiny with a corset like dita), we’ll do pale blue eyes by the velvet underground.  this is slow…but…..okay i’m panicking!  you tied it in a KNOT?!  bow.  bow!  it’s supposed to be in a bow!  i can’t breathe!

Sam: How the fuck was I supposed to know?  All I know is you have to get that shit tight and make it stay… and I did.  Jesus!  I got the knot out. Cool out.  Everything is fine.  What is funny is the almost-meltdown you just had was set to such a mellow song.  Gawd… more Snowden for you…

audra: well, it WAS scary!  i thought you’d have to cut it off of me like a car accident victim.  anyway, yes yes yes yes!  between the rent & me.  if we investigated how many times it’s been played…it would no doubt embarrass me to the point of tinkling myself.  i LOVE this song.  what do you think i am, the smoke in your clothes?  now when i walk in the room you know its all i can do to stare at the floor and not to look at you.  sigh.  crush 101 right there!

Sam: Oh. bloody. hell.  We’re onto The HorrorsWho Can Say“.  I fucking love this band.  Even with the new “fucked by Depeche Mode” sound… it’s brilliant.  The Shangri-La’s meets Jesus and Mary Chain mid-section of the song makes me want to fucking die.  It’s too good for words.  It may be the best break up song ever.  Get away….  OMG, b*… it’s your b-day and you are ALL OVER our ipod tonight.  Death From Above 1979 just came on…

audra: it IS the best break up song ever!  yes!  ohhh….death from aboveromantic rights. i don’t need you, i want you.  yum.  wait!  violet! and the sky was made of amethyst…

Sam:   Hole.  “Violet“.  You’re turning violet, violet!  Arguably, Live through This is my favorite-fucking-record-of-all-time.  I can recite every goddamn word, and love every second of it.  Audra mentioned earlier how Tori & Garbage got her through the “misunderstood” years… this was my record.  This reeks of my youth.  Jesus, I am totally having a Goonies moment right now.

audra: uh oh.   ANOTHER b song…for real!  this is getting gross!  it reminds me of the first or second time we hung out with her.  placebo post blue. it’s in the water, baby.  this is your birthday present, love!  i break the back of love for you.

Sam: Eau d’ Bedroom DancingLe Tigre… This song reminds me of when I first met Audra.  Young & dumb.  The hours spent drinking cheap gin & coffee at Java Bay… oh, boy…

audra: yeah.  but not together.  gross.  separately.  okay, LAST CALL!  the handshake mgmt. a good last song for the eve.  or at least for the blog.  god knows we’ll be up past 3 with drunken antics!  i have mixed feelings for mgmt.  the good parts are really good, and the bad parts are really bad.  they have a song that sounds like the flaming lips. and i fucking HATE the flaming lips!  hate!  ugh!  they are SO GROSS!  anyway.  i digress.  mgmt.  this is a decent song; one part arcade fire, one part little kids choir, mix with hallucinogenic drugs & shake.  handshake.   ha.

Sam: In grand tradition of last call with me, I will sneak one more in… Gene PitneyTown Without Pity“… oi vey!  Talk about sexy.  “Talk about problems…” fucking hell.  I promise you this, I will rave about this song just as much sober.  Take that.  That means I love it and I know what I am talking about…

…and that means I love you too.   We could go on forever, lovers.  We need to call it a night… even though Murder City DevilsDancin’ Shoes” just came on.  That means business.  G’night, babies.  Lurves you all!!

audra: word.  i’m done.  out of wit & cleverness…not that i had the much at the beginning of the eve to start with!  whatevs!  until next time, my sweets.  we love you long time.  sweet dreamers, my little creamers!

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