Monthly Archives: June 2009

style icon: jamie hince

posted by:  audra

jesus christ, so, evidently, i’ve gotten a bit lazy with my little style icon thursday kick!  oopsies…i totally meant to post this yesterday.  but!  as an added friday bonus, you get the very first male extravaganza.  today’s hot meat treat is jamie hince of the kills.  grab a towel for your seat.

i have never seen jamie or a photograph of jamie where he doesn’t look completely pulled-together in a rumpled–but good–way.  and this is easy to achieve, you guys!  the rock-chic, still-wasted-from-last-night, my-clothes-are-dirty-but-my-belt-costs more-than-your-car look.  get it right!  you can do it!  you can look like jamie!  even if you’re fat or think you’re fat!  all you need are some super-skinny jeans, black boots, a couple of good scarves, a nice tee, maybe a fitted pea coat or leather jacket.  a vest would be a good move too.  some nice sunglasses–not cheap ones.  take up smoking.  and the best accessory that goes with practically everything:  kate moss.

see?!  i fucking told you to get a handbag!

okay, well, maybe he was using that as an overnight bag, but it still looks good.  and look at jamie here; see how he’s fumbling with all that stuff in his hands?  notice him struggling?   i bet he wishes he would have brought his big, red hermes with him to corral his shit:

note the classic pea coat a la ian curtis:

again with the scarves!

i know it’s summer, but hang onto them for couple of months.  or, do what i do:  disregard the weather all together & wear whatever the fuck you want…even if you’re sweating in a black cardigan & tights.  fashion over function!  when you’re dead, do you want anyone to say, gee, he was so…so…functional!  utilitarian even! no.  you want people to say, that fucker knew how to dress!  so snappy!  fashion forward, but effortless at the same time!  incredible style.  always looked dressed to a tea, that one.

you can do it, you guys.  straight boys can be stylish, too!  don’t let all the pretty gays steal your thunder!  jamie is a perfect living example of how easy it is to be hot without having to put forth heaping scoops of effort.  how do you think he got kate moss for christ’s sake!

 

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excess baggage

posted by:  audra

this fucker has let me down.  look at him, so smug with that retarded stephen sprouse graffiti!  but let’s make this snappy; i’m in a big hurry to get drunk before 11 & finish my augusten burroughs trilogy.

so, remember the marc jacobs handbag i purchased last november to reward myself for losing a certain amount of weight, when in actuality i never lost it & purchased the bag anyway?  it’s falling apart.  it is.  the internal stitching is fraying, the straps are peeling & the bottom looks like i’ve dragged it across the parking lot behind slow bar.  which i’ve done with some of my handbags, but never this one.

truthfully, i was never happy with the handbag to begin with.  this could be why she’s turning on me.  i wanted black; she was brown.  ‘bat brown’.  i settled for bat brown because the structure is nice, & there was no black option for that particular bag.  and it has tons of room.  seriously you guys, i could fit at least one premature baby in there…probably two.  twins.  and the latest issue of vogue, along with some lipgloss, a travel umbrella, spare panties just in case, perhaps a midsized perfume, too.  i grew to like her, even though she clashed badly with my reoccurring blackwear.

i noticed the scuffs & scrapes on the bottom & was slightly annoyed, but i let it slide.  then the straps started cracking.  then peeling.  then peeling some more.

i was pissed.  one doesn’t spend nearly five-hundred dollars on a tote to watch it die before her eyes six months later.

i investigated the zappos.com returns & exchange policy yesterday, the place from which bat brown betsey came.   actually, the couture side of zappos from which it was purchased.  it clearly states that for one to receive a refund or exchange, the merchandise must be in new condition, as well as in its original packaging…of which i tossed in a fit of feng shui the night i’d unwrapped it.  so, yesterday i emailed zappos.  and bitched.  nicely.

i told them that i was extremely happy with the bag at first… and that now the straps were falling apart… all that shit.  i may have exaggerated a little, but i shouldn’t have to put up with an mj taking its last breath so soon…especially when it took years of abuse for the heel of my red marc jacobs shoes to break on me.

this is what i got back, less than twenty-four hours later:

“i’m very sorry that the marc jacobs softy tote is not holding up as well as expected.  although the item has been used, we will allow you to return or exchange the bag as a one-time courtesy.”

but wait.  it gets better.

“i have taken the liberty of emailing you a pre-paid ups return label…we will ship the exchange order out right away, before we receive your return.  we only ask that your return order is received within 14 days of the exchange being shipped.”

how easy is that?  amazing customer service.  i’m not even sure if nordstrom would be that courteous.  so this is my very quick zappos plug:  they are awesome & will not let you down like a light tampon on an unexpected heavy day.  believe it!

the return part is set.  the replacement is another story.

i’ve spent hours looking at handbags.  do you know how many hideous bags there are out there?!  hearts, charms, zippers askew…and that’s only the high-end ones.  sigh.  i even considered taking the refund & spending my reimbursement elsewhere.  still, nothing.  well, not nothing–i did find a lovely alexander mcqueen that made my thighs sticky, but it would cost me at least two entire paychecks…which probably isn’t a wise decision.  tempting though.

i’ve decided to go with another jacobs.  i know, i know…it will probably fall apart on me too.  i just love him so much!  and they’re the only ones i like…really!  and, since i am able to return this one after almost seven months of wear in exchange for another, it’s sort of like having the new one for that long & so if it breaks apart like the one before, it’s like i’ve had that one for a year, which is better than six or seven months.  right?  i’ll keep you posted.

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talk of hot dogs, bladder infections & half-assed movie reviews

posted by:  audra

good evening, lovelies.  did everyone have a blow-your-head-off/i-just-ate-16-hot-dogs-awesome father’s day weekend?  i did.  except there were no wieners involved whatsoever.  this time.  at least in the frankfurter sense.  i managed to avoid all processed meats and processed cheeses(!) this weekend in favor of cooking things that are good for me at home.  aaaand, i worked out both saturday and sunday.  which never, ever happens on the weekend…  aaaand, lost 2 pounds.  finally.

my current weight:  158.0.

which is good.  considering the first week — my efforts consisted of 2 days of sweating & eating well, then following that up with 5 days of laze & massive amounts of beer consumption…along with gratuitous snacking.  i’m gross.

anyway, this last friday night we went a’trolloping to whole foods, which always inspires me to eat well.  it’s the one place i actually enjoy grocery shopping.   i picked out some lovely filet mignon & gathered some things for a potato salad…don’t worry!  the cute kind of potato salad!  not the yellow kind with cut up egg, mayo & relish!  this one is some sort of french recipe i had scrawled onto a note card in 2001(!).  i think it’s from saveur magazine…?  and why i didn’t just cut the thing out of the mag, i’ll never know.   anyway, the salad consists of fingerling potatoes (whole foods was out; i used baby reds), lots of tarragon, good kosher salt, cracked pepper & champagne vinegar.  that’s it!  oh, & apparently some mayonnaise…even though i would swear it was olive oil & vinegar based…it had likely been seven years since i’d last made it & i didn’t remember assembling it with mayonnaise like the recipe had suggested…but i followed along & did the mayo anyhow.  it only called for 3-4 teaspoons, but…

next time i’ll leave it out.  i think just some olive oil would be much, much better.

so that was that, & with some of this, and to start we had my favorite, favorite come-in-your-panties-amazing goat milk truffle tremor cheese, a triple creme delice de bourgogne, and a lovely oregon gorgonzola…cleverly or retardedly named oregonzola.  i can’t decide which.  i took some drunken photographs of the half-eaten cheese plate, only to realize later how gross it looked smeared across a pink depression glass plate.  maybe next time i’ll think first.

yeeeeah, sorry about that.  but the little dish of honey?  lover-ly with the delice de bourgogne.  amazing, in fact.

this was the filet mignon & such…i know it looks ghetto!  and sparse!  it does!  but it was awesome.  i swear it.  next time i’ll dress the plate up with flair & glitter…but i was super-tired & starving by this time.  this photo is purely for ‘proof that i made it’ purposes.  we had some sort of cheap $17 pinot from california with it, too.  block 45 or something?  i don’t remember…but it wasn’t terrible!

saturday was completely unproductive.  i had lofty plans of getting up early (9 or 10-ish), getting all of the laundry done, including the sheets, clearing off the patio, cleaning the floors & being showered & dressed-up by 3pm.  but i should know by now that once these sort of inspirational plans are sought, i will fail tremendously at them.

i got up at 1:00.  then realized that we needed haricot verts, basil & some fresh anchovies for the niçoise platter i was to put together later.  i did minimal cleaning, if any, read my book, melted some fat off of my thighs–courtesy of mustang sally–and was barely out of the shower at 5.  which in turn, landed us back at whole foods around 6:30.

i think dinner commenced at 9 or 9:30 that night after a floundered attempt at watching nighthawks (not the one that was made in the 80s with sylvester stallone, you guys!  jesus!), supposed to be “very controversial” & “daring”1970s film about gay men in london.  this one guy’s a middle school teacher, so he’s forced to be closeted, blah blah blah, then goes out to the clubs to fag it up at night…leading a double life.  sound exciting?  it’s not.  it’s totally boring & i would swear there is absolutely no dialog within the first 20 minutes of the film–in a non-dramatic way.

anyway, this niçoise platter…so easy, you guys… so easy!  if you make this for your friends, i promise they will think you are brilliant in the kitchen & love you forever!  you might even get laid.  it’s that pretty.  you just make a french potato salad (not the tarragon one i mentioned before, but one with basil, flat-leaf parsley, scallions & a vinaigrette–dijon mustard, champagne vinegar, olive oil, good kosher salt & cracked pepper.), & assemble the rest:  grilled ahi steaks, arugula, steamed haricot verts, good anchovies, kalamata olives, heirloom tomatoes & a hard-cooked chicken egg.  i took drunken photographs of this too…nothing great, but you get the picture…

sunday was a movie day that totally made up for that nighthawks debacle!  first we watched a french horror/ thriller, set in romania that we’ve been dying to watch called them (ils in french).  get this immediately.  i’m not even kidding.  i even gambled on a bladder infection because i didn’t want to pause it to make a break for the loo!

…and we also watched dear zachary.  a documentary made by a guy named kurt who loves his childhood friend andrew.  andrew gets murdered by his psychotic ex-girlfriend.   kurt goes all over searching for the people who were in andrew’s life, & interviewing them.  drama ensues.  and i’m telling you, i’ve never cried so much during a movie everrrrr. that shit ripped my heart out.  watch it this weekend, you guys!  it’s amazing.

sigh.  okay.  that’s it.  you’re caught up.  goodnight!  i love you!

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Filed under food

we love you: installment two

posted by:  audra

i’ve been looking at the search history used to find our blog once again, & think it’s time for another one of these…some are just too awesome not to share!  here are some of my favorites since last march:

  • 1950’s fuck my mom (awesome.)
  • “fever ray” “creepy song”
  • “sitting shoes”
  • im sorry wrist cut suicide
  • bloody wrist
  • deep cut wrist (jesus, you guys!)
  • anorexic bondage
  • tall fuck (really…?)
  • i’m on a boat
  • “flat chested” “training bra”
  • “fishnets over my head”
  • katey segal feet
  • katey sagal beauty
  • peggy bundy
  • bastards of young (the band or the song?  maybe both?  sigh.  the mind quails.)
  • menswear review (good work…as you should be reviewing menswear!)
  • sweet jane blackboots & blackhearts  (and sometimes when you blog about bands, they find your blog and then they blog about you blogging about them!!  fucking rad!)

and my personal favorite…

wait for it…

ready…?

  • lucky guy fucking audra

and of course it’s about me!

anyway, this all tells me that the strangers we’re attracting are suicidal masochists with a penchant for katey sagal.  and i’m perfectly okay with that.

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everything you ever wanted to know

posted by:  audra

this was totally not my idea.  i was poking around on one of my favorite girl’s blog & happened upon this gentleman’s blog.  on the latest post, he was talking about the facebook quiz where you write up questions about yourself & then your friends look like assholes because they don’t know a single thing about you.  now, i love talking about myself & creating audra trivia, so of course i jumped on this…

…and my friends did horribly. 

granted, the questions were a little tricky…but i’m certainly not going to ask, what’s my favorite color? for fuck’s sake!  jesus christ!  get it together, you guys!  anyway, this guy’s blog, he posted his fb questions with the answers as well as the story behind them…because his friends did so horribly as well.  brilliant!

who wants to know more about me!?  you!  you do!  okay.  get comfortable, take your pants off, get some lube handy…whatever makes you content.  maybe if you’re really hurting for something to do, you can do the quiz as you read?!  but of course, don’t skip ahead to the answers if you plan on doing that.  anyway.  let’s go!

1.  if i had to pick just one record to listen to for the rest of my life…

a)  funeral – arcade fire

b)  to bring you my love – pj harvey

c)  horses – patti smith

d)  xo – elliott smith

e)  deep cuts – the knife

answer:  b.  to bring you my love. don’t fret; this was even difficult for me to decide on.  everyone who took my quiz assumed it would be horses. every single person.  and while i adore the patster to pieces, to bring you my love, as a whole, is a much more perfect record.  it has everything; stripped down folksy guitar, juicy bass, distortion, shrill screaming, whistle blowing, quiet lusty bits…sigh!

2.  underpinning of choice…

a)  thong panties

b)  crotchless panties

c)  garter belt

d)  full-back cotton briefs

e) none.

answer:  e.  obvs!  thank god no one had me pegged for a cotton-brief gal.  gross!  i have always enjoyed fancy panties…even when i was a little girl, i would not tolerate the gross cottony ones, with the fiercely uncomfortable waistband.   they had to be satiny, lacy, what have you.  and whilst i have a stockpile of the snatchless variety, those are novelties.  same with the garter belts.  several years ago, i started leaving them at home when we’d go out to shows & such.  sort of like a dirty little secret.  so exciting.  then i realized that going without is just so much better!  and easier!  all the time!  you wouldn’t believe how fast i am in the loo when we’re out at bars.  people are amazed.  really!  it saves a step!

3.  when i get home, i put on…

a)  cropped yoga pants & a fleece

b)  fitted black tee & jeans

c)  juicy couture tracksuit

d)  vintage chemise

e)  a ratty ‘can’t be seen in public’ dress

answer:  a.  surprised?  maybe a little?  the vintage chemise was a popular choice amongst my friends…which does happen occasionally.  mostly that’s only for sleepwear though.  a little black top & jeans only happens occasionally too, as with the ratty dress…but almost daily, i will come home & pull on one of two pairs of stretchy black yoga pants & my half-zip fleece.  unlikely, i know.  it’s comfortable…and typically i’m not an advocate for comfort, but i know that in the evenings i can sit in my chaise with my knees up  & not rip the seams out of something like a delicate chemise.

4.  once, whilst entertaining dinner guests at home, i…

a)  burnt a raspberry tart

b)  accidentally served raw chicken

c)  singed my lashes while caramelizing creme brulee

d)  cut the tip of my finger off

e)  slipped, then dropped & shattered a bottle of wine

answer:  d.  oh, the horror…the horror!  here i was, preparing citrus cream pasta with some sauteed mushrooms on the side.  the mushrooms are amazing.  you first caramelize them in olive oil, then add some thyme & garlic, and deglaze the pan with white wine.  so easy, & somewhat impressive.   anyway, sam & i had two friends over for dinner, and i like to do the prep work in the kitchen while they converse at the adjacent dining table  (i should also mention i like very low-lighting so everyone looks nice.  even in the kitchen–at least when guests are over). sooo, i’m furiously fine-chopping the thyme at the counter when i felt a little nick on my left index finger.  it wasn’t painful…i had just gotten a brand new super-sharp santoku knife, & apparently it’s so sharp you can’t even feel it slicing through your fingertip.  i didn’t think much of it & resumed chopping.  then i realized i was bleeding everywhere & quickly excused myself to the loo for investigation before anyone could notice i’d made a drunken oopsie.  i was missing a good portion of fingertip, including part of the nail.  totally panicked, i whispered for sam to come help me stop the bleeding…and we’re out of bandaids.  all we have is bactine & paper towels.  awesome.  sam decides to call in our female friend from the dining room, who was a plastic surgeon’s assistant at that time.  we’ll call her dr. s.  she asked where our first aid kit was.  first aid kit…?  really?  we did the best we could, what with the all the blood drunky was letting flow…then sam & dr. s went to the store for gauze, medical tape & such.  dr. s said that she would’ve taken me to urgent care for stitches…if there was anything to stitch back together.  so, here i am alone, making awkward conversation & nervous laughter with dr. s’s husband.  they finally return — with medical supplies, flowers & the new vanity fair.  with tom ford on the cover.  bless them.  once cleaned up & properly bandaged, i returned to the kitchen to clean up a bit & noticed a hunk of my flesh still clinging to the blade.  of course, i quickly (and discretely) snatched up this new prized possession, & wrapped it in saran wrap for later viewing.  we ended up dining on the dessert that i’d prepared earlier in the day & the night ended not-surprisingly early.  that shit bled for a fucking week.   the moral:  even if it makes everyone look like hideous beasts, use the overhead lighting in your kitchen whist in possession of sharp, pointy things.  and try not to get drunk before doing so, too.

5.  typically, my favorite films are in this genre…

a)  indie

b)  b-movie

c)  spaghetti western

d)  foreign

e)  horror

answer:  e.  horror.  obviously.  i’ll spare you the explanation since that last one ran on a bit long.  whoopsies.

6.  of these pet peeves, i hate this the most…

a)  gross eaters

b)  singing along at concerts

c)  throat clearing

d)  sneezing

e)  girls who end every sentence with a question mark?

answer:  a.  gross eaters are my worst pet peeve ever.  so. fucking. sick.  i really can’t handle it…a stray crumb on the lip, pepper in the teeth, the chewing sounds, swallowing sounds…crunching?!  that’s the worst!  and plate scraping….shudder.  and i’ve also decided that more than i hate singing along at concerts, i hatehatehate the whoos, ows & yips emitted from the fucking retards at shows.  god, i hate it so much.  the other night at pj harvey, there were so many of those.  especially in the quiet parts of songs.  one more “yeeeeah polly!  thanks for coming!!  owwww!” and i would have fucking lost it!  you go to see an artist, you go & keep your god damn mouth shut!  even if you have to eat something to keep you quiet.  just don’t eat it around me.

7.  when i’m old, i want to be like…

a)  lauren bacall

b)  betsey johnson

c)  ellen burstyn

d)  vivienne westwood

e)  anjelica huston

answer:  e.  this was a tough one apparently.  i thought it’d be easy for you?  come on you guys, the black hair?  bangs?  forever wearing black articles of clothing?  red lippy?  please.  i’ve been obsessed with anjelica huston for as long as i can remember.  she’s just so…delicious.

8.  my fetish fantasy is…

a)  bondage

b)  trip to a hot gynecologist

c)  gas station attendant

d)  sex with my brother…if i had one

e)  all of the above

answer:  e.  indeed.  and don’t hate, for god’s sake…sam gives me enough shit about the gas station thing.  i’m not sure what it is exactly…the little uniform shirt smudged with motor oil?  the act of putting the phallic pump that oozes into my empty gas tank?  maybe the gas fumes cloud my judgment & these guys are all total losery trolls?   that can’t be it.  and the incest thing is probably because i’m an only child & i had a fairly normal childhood.  it’s exotic.  like the dreamers. and house of yes.  delicious.

9.  my favorite guilty-pleasure movie is…

a)  13 going on 30

b)  just like heaven

c)  the sisterhood of the traveling pants

d)  what a girl wants

e)  freaky friday

answer:  a.   most of you should know this by now…come on, you guys.  13 going on the 30 sounds retarded, but it really is quite good.  and for the record, i have never seen what a girl wants.  at least in its entirety.  and just like heaven was like, the worst.  movie.  ever.  not to mention complete with a dreadful cover the cure’s song of the same name.  just awful.

10.  i always, ALWAYS shower this many times a day…

a)  once

b)  twice

c)  three times

d)  four time

e)  i don’t shower

answer:  b.  twice.  always.  every day.  even if i don’t take my first shower until 4 in the afternoon, i must shower again before even breathing on the sheets.  obviously i shower before getting ready each day; i’ve never understood people that can just pull on some clothes & go.  it sickens me.  and then when i go to bed at night, i can’t even fathom putting on my satin unmenionables without being freshly shaven & moisturized.  i just can’t.  it’s too icky.

11.  film i have seen over 20 times & never get sick of…

a)  reality bites

b)  pretty in pink

c)  poltergeist

d)  the shining

e)  beautiful girls

answer:  b.  oh, pretty in pink!  it’s very likely that i’ve seen all of these over twenty times, but i’ve probably shut them off halfway through after the 9th or 10th time.  i can always watch pink all the way through & it always sounds good.  but so does the shining…it’s just so long.

and there you have it!  don’t you feel way less stupid now?!

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bitches saltin’ my game

posted by:  audra

i meant to post something earlier, but i was busy making out with david sedaris…that’s an entirely other post for another day.  get excited.

behold, my pretties — these little dicks are back this season to ruin my life yet again:

you’d think what with the lack of greenery on our third story balcony, that this would not be an ideal dwelling place for little asshole tree frogs.  but! they find their way back every year.  i hate them.  yes, they eat insects.  but, they also eat the pretty ladybugs that i love, and sometimes even buy.  one year, in an effort to exterminate some aphids on my roses organically, i purchased some ladybugs…only to find them being consumed at warp speed by these fucking wicked creatures of skank.

they jump on me.  they mock me whilst i’m sitting on my patio.  they scoff at my attempts to chase them off by tapping my gardening spade on the railing.  they think it’s hilarious!  they do!  they stare me down & i have nightmares about them invading my living space.  true story!  believe it!  my most feared death is that scene in magnolia where all the frogs are falling from the sky.  sweet jesus, that shit is scary:

the other day — sunday i believe — i went out to do some much needed planting on the patio.  i had several basil plants, grasses & such that needed some potting.  so, i put on my hot pink gardening gloves & my sequined patio flats & went to town.

i picked up the crate the basil plants were in.  resting underneath like a sneaky snake was a smug tree frog, just sitting there, waiting for me to piss my knickers upon uncovering it.  it was dark green.  i gasped & shouted at sam to come investigate.  i was pissed because of course this was the vessel i was to use for my basil & i wasn’t about to touch this thing.  sam & i tapped the spade at it.  i flicked dirt on it.  it laughed & jumped a few inches.  i told it to get the fuck off my patio.  i glared at it.  it glared at me.

hours later, i found it hovering in the corner on the railing.  then it moved.  jumped. moved again.  then finally jumped to its death off the balcony.

thank god that was over with, & i wasn’t (entirely) responsible for it.

but!  just when i think it’s safe…?  another one shows up tonight!  its cuter, younger, smaller, hipper version of the one that was here before!  unbelievable.  every year!  i fucking hate it & i hate frogs!  they do not need to be on a third floor balcony when we have acres of green space & wetlands beneath us!  it’s bullshit!   selfish fucks.

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some girls are bigger than others

posted by:  audra

okay.  check it:

last night, i did some exercise.

and tonight…?

i did some more.

i have also read an entire book in less than 4 days & started another.

i’m not sure what’s going on with me, but i think it may have something to do with a little mini-mental-meltdown i had on sunday evening.  i’ve realized that i have been lamenting about having a little extra cush on my tush for forever & we’re all way sick of it.  but mostly, i’m pushing thirty & i don’t want to exit my twenties being unhappy with my fat-girl arms.

and i also want to read more because it will make me smarter, wittier, more clever & irresistible to be around.

so there.  everyone wins!  nobody wants to sit next to a dumb, dull fatty.

but wait!  there’s more.  i’ve decided to disclose to you my actual, real, bloody, raw weight.  i’m not a typical girl in never wanting to reveal my weight, but it is a little humiliating to do in public.  i did this to myself!  mama’s lazy & the girl likes to drink.  and sit.  i can’t help it!  ready?  wait for it, suck in your beer gut, hold your breath…

160.0

exactly.

my weight is one thing, my height — quite another.  but anyway!  i feel this will force me to keep it up; if i periodically write updates about my progress.  so, get excited!  your friend audra is about to get more attractive.

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