posted by: audra
the most preciously icky thing just happened to me: a job interview gone totally horrible. it went something like this…
10:27 am: i leave the house, perfectly pressed & polished.
10:45 am: arrive at destination really early. my appointment was at 11:15. the outside of the building is nice, professional, cute…kind of stands out in the skeezy neighb.
10:46 am: go inside of said destination. interior is dismal; one crappy watercolor on the wall, about 5 dingy gray chairs that have seen better days, NO magazines. TINY room…maybe 6×8 in dimension?
10:48 am: greet front desk person mySELF. she’s trashy & kind of rude. i sit in one of said gross chairs.
10:48 am: shortly after sitting, a woman clamors in with her two crumb-snatching crotch-maggots. one of the chitlins isn’t doing so well. i thought maybe he was just throwing a little hissy fit, by how the mom was petting his head asking if he was okay. evidently he wasn’t throwing a hissy–he was going to throw up.
10:49 am: the mother keeps badgering the ugly, sick child and finally asks if he’s “going to puke”. his answer: “uh huh.”
10:49 am: i panic. i have a fucking interview, you sick fucks! you know your child has some sort of vomitty ebola virus or whatever, and you STILL take him out in public, you fucking imbecile?! what is wrong with people?!! if there’s ONE thing i can’t handle, it’s vomit. it’s my absolute number one fear–being vomited ON or NEAR. i don’t want to hear it, see it, smell it or worst of all–feel it. i’m so freaked out at this point that i’m literally shaking, because this kid’s about to blow. it was carpeted though, so that would reduce the chances of splatter. i had a plan to jump up & run to the opposite corner of the room, should this actually take place in this tiny, gross lobby. no restroom sign in sight, the mother rushes over to the front desk area to ask where the bathroom is. pointing to a weird, unmarked, white door, the mother grabs the timebomb & takes him into the loo.
10:50 am: not 2 seconds later, i hear it. everything. every detailed, splashy, liquidy awfulness. great. not only is this reeeeally fucking sick, i had to pee.
10:50 am: i move to the farthest chair away from the door to hell.
10:53 am: a dumpy, trashy mouse with a scrunchie comes out of another door. she thanks two people of mystery & leaves. immediately following her exit, i’m called into the room.
10:54 am: i’m greeted by a short, old-ish man with a weird face. kind of like he’s melting…somewhat like toby on the office, only browner. not latin brown, just brown. brown skin, brown hair, brown suit. cheap. there’s a woman, too…she seems nice. conservative, but nice. mr. brown is totally skeezed out, like total sexual-predator vibe. gross, gross, gross.
10:55 am: “wow….you’re eyebrows are amazing! that must take you a long time to do everyday!” strike one, asshole.
so, we do a bit of small-talk. it’s awkward. mr. brown seems drunk. is he? is it just pills? maybe he’s really hungover. nope, i’m pretty sure he’s intoxicated. he’s awfully loose. and he rubs his face an awful lot. they ask why i’m not with my former-employers any longer, and i explain. it appears that this is the first time he’s reviewing my resume. he says, “oh i see you worked at some vineyards!” well, just the one VINEYARD…but yes. “wow, you commuted all the way out there?” yes, of course i did. the woman is silent. “what did you do at your last job?” well, since you’re looking RIGHT AT MY RESUME, i suppose i’ll save you a step & tell you. “do you have questions for us?”
10:58ish am: i reply with, “oh, yes i do! um….so [the woman] told me yesterday on the phone that you’d be hiring for several different positions. i was under the impression that there was just the one. i want to be certain–which position am i actually interviewing for?”
yes, i really had to ask that. this was ridiculous. “oh, well, you’d definitely be interviewing for the front-office position.” okay….and?
i ask what the pay is going to be. get this…
“that’s a good question. i see here that you made [undisclosed amount] at your last job. i can tell you right now that we won’t be able to pay you that much, but it won’t be any less that what we’d pay our administrative assistant.”
and i didn’t make “that much” at my last job. seriously. you’d have thought i was asking them to start me at $65/hr or something. i have to backup a bit….yesterday when i spoke with this woman to setup the interview, i asked what the wage was. she was real sketch about it then, too. what is with these people?! i should also add that they’re looking to hire IMMEDIATELY, as in now. so, wouldn’t you think they’d have the payroll shit figured out?? they wouldn’t even give me a ballpark figure! isn’t that weird?! i said that i would possibly take a little bit of a pay-cut, just to have a job. he says, “well, you’re on unemployment, right?”
“no, i’m not.”
“why not?! man, i’ve had people just walk right out of the door on me, and straight to the unemployment office! it’s free money!”
really?? oh my god. so i’m sitting in an interview with your company, and you just told me that “people” have repeatedly “walked out the door”?! sounds like an awesome company to work for.
i’m of course, horrified, but he asks if i have any other questions. i had prepared a long list of really articulate questions, so i continued with my next one, “what would you say the typical career path is for someone in this position?” thinking he’d answer with paralegal, legal assistant, something clerical, whatever…maybe going to law school…right?
no. he LAUGHS. laughs! shakes his head, rubs his brown face some more. “wull, i dunno…i mean, you either got the skills & move on, or you don’t!”
i mean, is this is a totally retarded question to ask an interviewer?! i think it’s pretty valid, don’t you?
“what are a few things you feel makes this position interesting & challenging?”
MORE FUCKING GIGGLES! and face rubbing! and an, “ohhhh….hmmm…..that’s a good question. the clients? (laughs again) the people i work with? yeah…the people who work here definitely keep it interesting.”
ewwww i totally feel like i need a rape-shower!
this is when i decide not to ask any more questions, especially “how do you keep your employees happy & motivated?” i don’t even want to know.
11:07 am: interview concluded. i was barely in there for 10 minutes, and all of this ickiness happened.
rules for potential employers: when you interview me, be professional! don’t you fucking dare laugh in my face, and don’t even THINK of commenting on how much time it must take me to do my eyebrows! inappropriate! and don’t tell me that people have walked out on the job! NOT COOL! and especially, BE PREPARED & don’t look like a TOTAL FUCKING MORON!!
i’m over today. i need a drink. who’s in?