posted by: audra
every fucking night when i’m about to pop some roofies & slip on my satin leopard print, i ask myself, ‘audra, why is it you waste so much time, you wasteful time-waster? and how come you never, ever get anything accomplished, ever?!’ this has really been bothering me lately. i never seem to have the “time” to clean the house, get more than one load of laundry done — let alone put said laundry away after it’s clean — and definitely never have time to do any sort of fat-burning activity.
…even though i used to come home & do so every night, as well as tidy up a spot, and manage to get to bed before midnight.
…and let it be noted that no, indeed, i have not resorted to drinking more.
i think it’s my new morning routine that has set me up for failure…? when i had more of this luxury called time, i would get up promptly at 5 o’clock-ish on a weekday, shower, go about my business & actually make it to work on time without a trace of panic. now, my alarm goes off at 5:20. i turn it off & wait for sam to shower first & wait for him to wake me. he does so sometimes at 5:20, if i’ve already turned the alarm off…then again at 5:30. lately, it’s been the third (sometimes fourth) attempt at 5:40 (or 5:50) that gets me up…and it’s been a lethargic, dirty-housed downward spiral since. makes sense, right?
i’m now on a personal mish to make more time for myself, so i can actually keep my household up, perhaps cook something during the week(!), and still have plenty of gooey makeout time with the television, a wine bottle & my chaise.
alright. so. get your fancy panties on! better yet – take them off! get comfortable. it’s time for a day in the life of yours truly! and just so we’re clear, of course, this is weekday stuff only. but i shouldn’t have to tell you that. in fact, we’ll just use today as an example for funsies. indeed, what did i do today? where does all my time go? i’m dying to know…you are too…
- 5:40 am: currently my typical wake-time, but 20 minutes behind what’s ideal for my morning routine.
- 5:41 am: get in shower immediately. since i’ve saved time by shaving the night before, i can be out in less than 10 minutes. i’ve also decided to only shampoo my hair once a day, so i’ve shaved a couple of minutes off there, too. score. i do however, at least condition my hair in the morning.
- 5:50 am: smelling like peppermint, i’m out in 9 minutes. that’s good, right? normally i could probably do 5 minutes, but today was a struggle.
- 5:51 am: detangle hair, wrap in towel. moisturize everything…face first, then extremities & special girl bits.
- 5:55 am: apply anti-persperant/deodorant.
- 6:00 am: jesus! i’m starting to see where my time is going in the morning…it takes 10 minutes to put on moisturizer?!
- 6:01 am: start makeup ritual. eyebrows always first. then eye makeup. base, shadow, liner, more shadow, then glue on lashes.
- 6:15 am: while lash glue sets, i blowdry my hair after applying product.
- 6:20 am: get coffee & prepare a lovely english muffin for breaky.
- 6:30 am: sit outside with coffee & ciggie.
- 6:37 am: check email & such.
- 6:45 am: heat up flat irons & continue the getting ready process — apply mascara, some foundation.
- 6:50 am: turn the dryer on from the night before if clothes need the wrinkles taken out of them.
- 6:55 am: straighten my hair. it really only takes about 10 minutes from start to finish, but for some reason it always takes me longer when i’m in a hurry. of course.
- 7:15 am: complete makeup — finishing powder, lippy, what-have-you.
- 7:25 am: attempt to get dressed. even if i have laid out everything the night before, it never fails; i stuggle finding fishnets or my bra. every. time.
- 7:31 am: leave the house.
- 8:10 am: arrive at workplace. there was traffic, so i was late. beautiful. one would think that 29 minutes is more than adequate time to drive 12 miles.
- 5:46 pm: arrive at le cuntington manor. traffic was a fucking mess & i’ll keep quiet my bitching about bad driver stereotypes.
- 5:47 pm: take off my shiny manolos & notice that the heels need repairing already. of course.
- 5:47 pm: bitch about traffic. bitch about how hot it is. bitch about the humidity.
- 5:47 pm: note how i’m sweating like a fat girl writing her first love letter.
- 5:48 pm: open beer.
- 5:49 pm: smoke outside with the mr.
- 6:00 pm: do a quick inventory & determine that we, in fact, do not need to go to the store like i’d originally planned. yes!
- 6:01 pm: notice that i’m star-ving & perhaps should have a snack? maybe early dinner? maybe not, because then i’ll just be starving at 10:00 & drunk & then drunk-snack?
- 6:05 pm: elect a snack of salami & a sharp white cheddar.
- 6:06 pm: change into a long black chemise i wore several years ago when i was bettie page for halloween. it’s too hot for yoga pants.
- 6:16 pm: check email & update blog.
- 6:25 pm: look at the tele (family guy), consider changing channels & then notice my hands are dry. perhaps i could use a fresh coat of polish, too…?
- 6:26 pm: see what sam’s doing. ‘is that freddie mercury?’ i ask. ‘it’s about queen.’ he replies. ‘even better’ (sarcastically). i exit the room.
- 6:31 pm: reenter kitchen. put away cheese & salami. consider doing a load of laundry, but determine it’s too stuffy to do so.
- 6:32 pm: consider picking out an outfit for tomorrow, but determine i’m too sick of what’s in my closet to do so.
- 6:33 pm: pick at imaginary things on my back & think about what interesting things i could possibly do tonight to make this blog more exciting.
- 6:35 pm: save draft, fix a v & t with exxxtra lime, and retreat to the veranda to have a fag. and a cigarette, too.
- 6:59 pm: decide to wear my standard uniform tomorrow; a black skirt, black top & whatever heels aren’t tore up from the floor up.
- 7:01 pm: start washing machine…with, my specialty: 5 items or less…which is ridiculous & obviously the reason as to why i’m forever doing laundry.
- 7:03 pm: settle into my chaise with the queen documentary on the bio channel & my july issue of nylon.
- 7:05 pm: i didn’t last long…in fact, i never “settled in” at all. the documentary was boring & sam was reading a book.
- 7:06 pm: working on this retarded time-wasting blog…
- 8:07 pm: i’m done. clearly, my dawdling/blogging/procrastinating are the culprits. and possibly getting up late & spending too much time getting ready.
time elapsed: approximately 15 hours, give or take. you’re welcome.
you see what i do for you guys?! sigh… and now i’m missing the david bowie bio. thanks a lot, assholes.
good night, babies. i do love you.
