Tag Archives: the last house on the left

dix

posted by:  audra

so, babies…it’s nice to be back, yes?!  i’m happy, you’re happy…and i can’t tell you how many “thank-yous” i’ve gotten for posting again.  actually, that’s a lie; i can…and it’s 3.  but that’s better than nothing, right?! 

so kids–my 3 readers–you’re very welcome & it’s my pleasure. 

i bet you’re all wondering, what is it she’s up to, now that since there’s still no job in the picture?  well, i’ll tell you.  i’ve been learning things!  and brace yourselves…i’ve learned a lot.

  1. the chicken fried steak at the spare room is fucking awesome.  the whole plate is covered–literally the whole plate–with sausage gravy.  it comes with a side salad (with shredded cheese, of course), garlic toast, and assorted steamed vegetables.  i love me some dive bars…but this place is like shari’s had a baby with the sandy hut.  and i adore it. 
  2. you can almost always find a marathon of roseanne or the golden girls on at any given time of any given day. 
  3. a haunting marathon on the discovery channel is on mondays from 11am-5pm.
  4. the bottom portion of our bathroom cabinet fucking reeeeeeks.  if i go more than 2 days without cleaning it, it smells like rotting wet towels that have been left in the washing machine for several days (not that i would have any experience at ALL with that).  i think there may be some sort of water leak or something in there….i have bleached, vinegared, clorox everyday’d, baking soda’d, citrus cleaned…you fucking name it, i’ve scoured with it….and the smell returns every fucking time!  suggestions?  my touch me then try to leave cream  can NOT live in a cabinet like that!
  5. there are no good jobs.  anywhere.  oh, there was one…and it was purr-fect, in my neighborhood, paid a lot, i was more  than qualified…and they never called me.  fine!  you just lost yourself the jolt of sunshine your pathetic office was in need of!  i hope you’re happy, assholes!
  6. i can go without smoking for hours.  sometimes i don’t even smoke until like, 4 in the afternoon!  i knew i wasn’t addicted. 
  7. i am good at losing weight.   but even better at gaining that weight back after getting a head/chest cold and doing nothing but eating grilled cheeses & watching the telly for 5 days on the pretty pink sofa.
  8. i miss my friends!  terribly!  all of you; some more than others…  call me!  i know that i project the busy, glamorous, glitterati lifestyle you could only dream of having…but i’m probably just doing a load of laundry &  scrubbing the bathroom floors whilst golden girls are on in the background.
  9. happy hour at le room florida is my favorite.  6 old g’s, endless chain-smoking, 2 orders of sliders with tots & a bar tab of $9.50.  amazing.
  10. the remake of the last house on the left was good.  pretty good, at least.  i was pleasantly surprised…until the very end.  why do they always have to fuck it up?!  spoiler alert:  krug’s exploding head in the microwave.  retarded!

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it’s only a movie…

posted by:  audra

something terrible has just happened!  i was just milling about, minding my own business with the telly on in the background…when i heard the tail end of a movie trailer:  the last house on the left has been remade!  oh, the horror, the horror

what the fuck!?  really?  how come i’m just now hearing about this?!  i’m a horror film aficionado, & this is news to me.  it hurts a little.  i’m bruised, even!  the new version of the last house on the left comes out march 13th, which is really soon.  really soon.  anyway…a lot of people probably haven’t seen this film…the original, i mean.  well, what are you waiting for…?  go get it, like, now, before you see the remake & it’s lost its sparkle!  you know why?  because it’s fucking rad!  one of the most perfect horror films i’ve ever seen & really bloody…well, daring…for lack of a better term.  there’s lots of rape & graphic violence, & i highly doubt this new one is going to be able to hold a candle to the original.

…and!  wes craven’s first film ever!  done on a shoestring budget, wes & his small crew managed to put together one of the better psychological slasher films of all time. ..with actors who had little to no real acting experience.  and that is the stuff of dreams, kids!  i live for it.  you should, too!

oh, so many things wrong with this.  i’m so upset right now!  let’s look at a few things together.  maybe i’ll feel better…

  • directed by dennis iliadas.  okay, who?  i realize all directors have to start somewhere, but i’m a direction snob & this is the last house on the left, for christ’s sake.
  • the cast is a bunch of nobodies (tony goldwyn aka carl bruner from ghost is the biggest star!).  this kinda makes me giddy with anticipation, because i could totally see like, jessica alba, or someone stupid really fucking this up.  bad.
  • march 13th release.  really?  i’m all about stretching horror films throughout the year, really, but personally i think it needs a summer or fall release.  but wait!  it’s friday march 13th.  okay.  that’s okay then.
  • wes craven produced it.  this makes me happy.
  • trailer looks weak…lots of forced over-acting with stupid girls.  all the actors come off as dead-behind-the-eyes to me.  in a bad way.  nothing looks genuinely scary, like sadie & krug in the original do.

here is the 1972 trailer.  don’t let the slightly dull & clean 70’s trailer trick you into thinking this is something horribly lame!  like i said — rape, lots of well acted violence, & tits…it was initially rated x by the mpaa.  it’s disturbing, & it will fuck you up…i promise!

and here we have the 2009 trailer.  i watched it a second time just now & decided that if i didn’t know it was a remake of one of my favorite horror films ever, i’d probably want to see it…but not in the theater.

so troublesome.  i just don’t know what to think!   i’ll probably end up loving it.  sigh…

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