posted by: audra
did you enjoy the play-by-plays of the vadge doctor experience? of course you did! everyone loves hearing about speculums & globs of blood flying out of a vagina! or at least i do. just sayin’.
i think i mentioned the other day about how we do have some other things going on…so, more antecedents for which we only seem to be lame as of late:
we’ve been so busy, biscuits & me. why? wait for it…we’re finally moving.
i know, right?! like, across town! across a river even! into a house! and away from our le douche deluxe ‘hood! where there are actual black people…even hipsters & hippies! and where we are closer to a cute little co-op than we are to the nearest safeway. sigh! a bubbling dutch oven of braised culture & better fashion awaits us. yes it does.
this, of course, has caused us to totally panic in anticipation, due to the enormous size of our collection of shit. this house is way cuter and slightly bigger, but has way less storage. it was built in 1917, so, that was way before it was common for the average gal to have 75 handbags & 90 pairs of shoes.
speaking of which–i cleaned out my closet last weekend.
don’t get all into a tizzy yet–i didn’t get rid of anything that good–mostly just a bunch of flats i used to wear to the winery. some chunky heels i’ve been hanging onto since i was 19, too. i also have this super-nice, but weird-fitting cocktail/halter dress. it’s really cute on the hanger but exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy. it’s been in my closet for 4 years. the tags are still on it. it was really fucking expensive. i’ll probably never wear it. i opted to keep it.
what i did get rid of: 15 leather handbags & 22 pairs of shoes…and then another 5 pairs i found later…as well as about half of my closet. i mean, i only wear like, the same 4 rotating outfits anyway…my entire closet is literally jammed full, waaaay past its capacity, as is my dresser…and i never wear any of it. ever. i told sam on our 5th carload to the goodwill donation center, “so this is how cute things end up at the goodwill!” it’s true. attractive, stylish people who live in terrible, suburban neighbs inevitably have to get rid of large quantities of good shit when they move into an urban neighb. if you’re ever in goodwill & see a really rad, vintage blue & white colander with a tiny bit of rust on it, it’s mine. make the purchase & take care of her, please.
anywaysies…this darling little cottage-y structure has a yard, to make up for the extra closet space i’ll be missing. i have lofty plans for the bare front walk & back patio, i do! i’ve been the proverbial pent-up crazy plant lady in our building for nearly 8 years. this year is the first year i haven’t really taken much care of the patio garden–empty urns & dried up chives–in wishful anticipation of moving, which now, of course, we are. but the dead plants & empty pots are super-embarrassing! i’mma make up for it. promise. i’ve been dying for hydrangeas. big ones. and bee balm would be cute as a border. and bleeding hearts in a shaded corner for spring? my head may explode. jesus.
going through all of our nearly-ten-years-of-built-up-shit has been quite the experience. interesting stuff we’ve uncovered so far:
- a dried-up wishbone from a chicken. i’m pissed there was only one; i had several in a drawer & found just the one! i’m not even kidding. we were going to pin them on the wall. it was going to be awesome.
- the level that’s been m.i.a. for over a year
- about a dozen books on hatha yoga, feng shui, astrology & dream analysis
- an “empty” henckels knife box in the outside storage closet…meaning that it was likely once positioned by the front door for recycling after unboxing said knives, only to use it as a trash bin, fold it up & forget that i’d put trash in it, thus making it a “good box to use for whenever we move later”, putting it into storage & finding it filled with crumpled plastic wrap & butter wrappers 4 years later…oopsies.
- an artificial christmas tree in 3 pieces
- 2 sets of christmas ornaments even though we never put up a tree because i hate them
- miles & miles of speaker wire
- 1 mystery ac adapter
- 10 or 11 crappy paintings i did between the ages of 17 & 22
- the beastie boys licensed to ill on cassette
- …as well as like, 200 other cassettes. sam pared it down to around 50.
- countless bar receipts from 2007, & then a batch of bank receipts from 2003
- a picture of me at medieval times on my senior trip…shudder.
- in an old handbag, i found a pre-sale slip from when i worked in the cookware department at meier & frank…in 2000(!) with some lady’s credit card information on it (oopsies!) & the item that she wanted: a dansk pottery article of some sort. service ware i think. something ugly for sure. the slip had a piece of chewed gum wadded up in it & a note that said, audra, please call me when this becomes available. thank you, theresa. i wonder if theresa ever came back for her item?
- a mini bottle of pravda vodka
- rough drafts of my 25th birthday party invitations & most of the rsvps…still scented with chanel!
- 2 sets of pier 1 dishes stashed away that i’d thought we had gotten rid of like, 5 years ago
- various broken bits of mystery items (plastic; multiple shapes & sizes) that were going to be fixed at one time
- a bag of mixed european coins…mostly euros
- a large mac cosmetics shipper containing a single mac compact that was shipped incorrectly to me…clearly the color was meant for a woman with much darker skin than mine. i never returned it. i’ve decided to keep it & use it as a bronzer.
- some sort of bullet in my ‘special box’. i suspect that a boy gave it to me as a token of affection to remember him by. sadly, i don’t remember.
- a concert ticket from 1998 at the tri-cities fairgrounds: sugar ray, loudermilk…and much to my surprise spoon(?!). i totally didn’t have any idea spoon had played that show! my little buddy britt daniel & i go back way farther than i thought.
- tons & tons of oil paint, acrylics, watercolors & brushes. and tons & tons of bad art.
oh my god, you guys…i knew we had a lot of stuff…but this is ridiculous. it’s bad. i’m just impressed with ourselves that we could fit it all into 925 square feet! it feels like grey gardens in there, only on a much smaller scale. and much, much cleaner, of course.
…speaking of which! did you see it? we finally watched the new-ish grey gardens with jessica lange & drew barrymore for the first time. it was sort of meh… i think i was hoping for more reenactments of the documentary, rather than a movie-movie. it was pretty good, but drew ruined it for me. her portrayal of little edie is almost good, but she wrecks it with her voice & bad accent. her face got in the way sometimes too. jessica lange, on the other hand, totally fucking nailed big edie! really frighteningly accurate performance. amazing. we ended up watching it twice, and i think as a whole, i liked it better the first time around. the second time you tend to notice that it really is made for tv & it’s not so great.
oh my god, what if i planted all grey/silvery plants in a couple portions of the yard? i could call it grey gardens. ooh… wait, is that dumb? or brilliant?
anyway! that’s that for now, my sweets. i can’t promise there won’t be any big gaps from here on out…at least for awhile…your favorite little meat sticks are terribly busy as of late, and are going on a quick vacay next week. pray to baby jeebus with me that the fucking weather will cool soon so that my thighs won’t stick together anymore, and that we’ll come home from seattle with tons & tons of debaucherous & entertaining stories for you! you’re excited.