Tag Archives: smoking

dix

posted by:  audra

so, babies…it’s nice to be back, yes?!  i’m happy, you’re happy…and i can’t tell you how many “thank-yous” i’ve gotten for posting again.  actually, that’s a lie; i can…and it’s 3.  but that’s better than nothing, right?! 

so kids–my 3 readers–you’re very welcome & it’s my pleasure. 

i bet you’re all wondering, what is it she’s up to, now that since there’s still no job in the picture?  well, i’ll tell you.  i’ve been learning things!  and brace yourselves…i’ve learned a lot.

  1. the chicken fried steak at the spare room is fucking awesome.  the whole plate is covered–literally the whole plate–with sausage gravy.  it comes with a side salad (with shredded cheese, of course), garlic toast, and assorted steamed vegetables.  i love me some dive bars…but this place is like shari’s had a baby with the sandy hut.  and i adore it. 
  2. you can almost always find a marathon of roseanne or the golden girls on at any given time of any given day. 
  3. a haunting marathon on the discovery channel is on mondays from 11am-5pm.
  4. the bottom portion of our bathroom cabinet fucking reeeeeeks.  if i go more than 2 days without cleaning it, it smells like rotting wet towels that have been left in the washing machine for several days (not that i would have any experience at ALL with that).  i think there may be some sort of water leak or something in there….i have bleached, vinegared, clorox everyday’d, baking soda’d, citrus cleaned…you fucking name it, i’ve scoured with it….and the smell returns every fucking time!  suggestions?  my touch me then try to leave cream  can NOT live in a cabinet like that!
  5. there are no good jobs.  anywhere.  oh, there was one…and it was purr-fect, in my neighborhood, paid a lot, i was more  than qualified…and they never called me.  fine!  you just lost yourself the jolt of sunshine your pathetic office was in need of!  i hope you’re happy, assholes!
  6. i can go without smoking for hours.  sometimes i don’t even smoke until like, 4 in the afternoon!  i knew i wasn’t addicted. 
  7. i am good at losing weight.   but even better at gaining that weight back after getting a head/chest cold and doing nothing but eating grilled cheeses & watching the telly for 5 days on the pretty pink sofa.
  8. i miss my friends!  terribly!  all of you; some more than others…  call me!  i know that i project the busy, glamorous, glitterati lifestyle you could only dream of having…but i’m probably just doing a load of laundry &  scrubbing the bathroom floors whilst golden girls are on in the background.
  9. happy hour at le room florida is my favorite.  6 old g’s, endless chain-smoking, 2 orders of sliders with tots & a bar tab of $9.50.  amazing.
  10. the remake of the last house on the left was good.  pretty good, at least.  i was pleasantly surprised…until the very end.  why do they always have to fuck it up?!  spoiler alert:  krug’s exploding head in the microwave.  retarded!

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ocd, a bad attitude & mid-year resolutions

posted by:  audra

in an attempt to start june off with a better attitude, i’ve made a little listy-loo for myself of things to accomplish this month.  as an added bonus, i’ll be including some of the stupider things i’ve done in recent memory…because we all love to hear about others’ failures.  sort of like a mid-year resolution list.  and anyway, we hate it when our friends become successful, right?  it’s true.  morrissey doesn’t lie!

what?  whatever.  okay, here we go:

*i will start working out.  even though it’s hot & i hate sweating, i am getting fat girl arms and it’s terrible.  i have also developed a built-in plate holder on my midsection.  gross.  i know i say it all the time, but things are getting out of control.

*i will not pull over on the side of a dusty gravel road out in the middle of nowhere & urinate on my kate spade flats.  again.

*i should stop smoking in the car.

*i will not order any more fruity, sugar-rimmed bitch drinks at the bar, just because they’re different from an extra-clean ketel martini.  i’ll stick with the big girl drinks.  thanks, but no thanks.

*next time i play pinochle with the parents, i’ll wear elbow pads to avoid any unsightly blistering.

*whilst cleaning out the car, i’ll remember that i wadded up two semi-sharp cheese knives in a zip-loc & stuck them in the glove box.  when i remember this, i’ll surely be able to not hastily grab the baggie, compact it down with my knee, & pierce a hole through my jeans & knee…then cutting the shit out of my fingertip.  also, note to self:  keep band-aids & bactine in the car.

*i’ll get drunk by myself more often & watch pretty in pink on repeat for several hours.  i haven’t done this in so long that i feel like i’m losing myself!

*i will not stop telling you all ‘i told you so’ when you fuck up.  because i’m right, you know i’m right, i’m always right, and knew i was right from the start.  i always look out for your best interests…and anyway, who loves you more than any of your other loser friends?!  me!  i do!  i love you!

*i’ll start being more honest about not liking slumdog millionaire.  i keep saying, ‘oh, it was good…not that great…i liked it alright.’  but i really didn’t like it!  it was annoying.  it seemed long.  it was a stupid love story.  it made me feel gross.  god, i need a rape-shower just thinking about it.

*i’ll keep making fun of our neighbor with the ocd tendencies:  flipping the patio light on & off a certain number of times, flicking the locks on her sliding glass door & window repeatedly before retiring to bed for the evening, talking to herself…it’s ridiculous.  shit drives me mad.  that bitch is crazy & desperately needs some meds.

*we will blog more often.  for realsies.  just like in the beginning…remember?

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best day ever…?

posted by:  audra

wow.  so, i should be totally irritable & tired today…but for whatever reason, i’m not!  i woke up in an impeccably good state of well-being & it’s stuck with me all day. i have cramps, i only got 5 1/2 hours of sleep, the crack in my windshield spread even further this morning & i’ve had ’emerge’ in my head all day, & i don’t know where it came from.

you know what though?   i’m dealing with the cramps.  i’m not tired.  i’m blowing off getting the windshield fixed today because i don’t want the insurance people to fuck up my afternoon.  and fischerspooner kinda sounds good(?!).  it’s been like a gay discotheque everywhere i go today!  like babylon in queer as folk. what could possibly be causing all this euphoria?!  it’s sunny & nice out, but i normally wouldn’t go for that.   i took a little walk at lunch, read a magazine & smoked a ciggie in the sun, all the while wearing a sweater & didn’t sweat or get cranky!  this points to one of three things:

  1. something really bad is about to happen to me
  2. this is karmic payback for all the good things i do
  3. i dreamt a wet dream last night & my memory refuses to remember it

i’m hoping it’s the latter of the three.  the second thing would be nice too.  i deserve it.  i’m good to you people.

another thing made me happy today:  i read a little blurb in my new issue of harper’s bazaar about pulling out your older shoes from the closet.  there, gleaming next to this article, was a pair of wooden heels from chloé‘s spring 2006 line.  normally not a big deal, but these look astonishingly similar to the heels my mum gave me awhile ago…ones she wore in the seventies!  i totally have an excuse to wear them now. 

wanna watch the fischerspooner vid with me?!  just for fun?  of course you do!  now you will know what it’s been like in my head today!  it’s kinda rad, or at least parts of it are rad…just like me, i suppose.

*ps, this post has absolutely nothing to do with jessica stam.  i just felt like looking at her.

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