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dear audra…

posted by:  audra

who doesn’t need advice every now & then?!  i haven’t any askings for advice yet, but the psychic sally in me knows you need to know this stuff…and i am wise from experience!  so, here you go; everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask:

  • for god’s sake, if you have a vadge-doctor appointment, but don’t really know if he’s going to have to take a look-see at your naughty bits…DON’T waste your time veeting the morning-of, and then spend two days sweating in skinny jeans moving into a house;  it makes for unsightly results.
  • …and if you do find yourself in this unsavory position, rub some hydrocortisone on your accident twice daily & it should be cleared up in a snap! 
  • do not eat an entire bag of pork rinds in two days by yourself.  it’s gross & will wreak serious havoc on your body.
  • don’t assume that your future, awesome landlords have thoroughly cleaned your new dwelling.  there may be ants, crumbs & long strands of foreign hair in places you’d never suspect.
  • funemployment does have its perks.  but spending all day–maybe 3 in a row without leaving the house–in a place that’s a total disaster, but you can’t do anything will make you go really fucking crazy.
  • when all else fails, drinking is usually a good idea.
  • people generally don’t think you’re a freak if you go out without makeup…even if you’re one of those people that do, indeed, need makeup!
  • and, if you’re reeeeally feeling frisky, try going out in jeans & a tee…maybe even flats!  you will amaze your friends with your courage.
  • if you’re a girl, and work at a reputable & popular local pizza joint, please don’t wear jeans to your workplace so low that it shows where you shaved your short & curlies.  it’s gross.
  • …but at least she shaved!  groom that shit!
  • jillian michaels WILL change your life!  or, at least your body.  it sucks actually doing the work, but you could be hot!  yes, YOU!  or, me…just put down the bottle of vodka, pick up your inhaler & get to work!
  • sleeping until 11am & watching a marathon of ‘a haunting’ on the discovery channel on mondays will not make you feel smarter or more productive. 
  • …but it just may stir up a little something in that could-be-haunted-house of yours. 
  • watch foreign horror films!  they are ALWAYS better than the american ones, you’ll feel cool AND they are really fucking scary! 
  • if you are out of philosophy bubble bath, just dump some baking soda or epsom salts into the tub.  you’ll still be without bubbles, but your skin will be super-soft!  and, i’ve heard that epsom salts help rid your body of excess water retention! 
  • treat your friends as well or better than you treat your family.
  • never accept ugly people as your friends.  afterall, your friends are a direct reflection of yourself!
  • leave a treat for your neighborhood bottle-goblins.  they are the ones who know you’re the alcoholic on the street, and you wouldn’t want that getting around now, would you?!  be nice to them, and they’ll be nice to you.  put your bottles out early, and leave the ones with deposits on top!  wine & gin bottles go on the bottom…it’s that easy!
  • it’s wise not to invite stray, attractive dogs into your yard.  you will only want to keep them after they sit on your feet & lick your hand!  best to just let them tinkle on your grass & off they go.
  • lean cuisine paninis take EXACTLY 2 minutes & 45 seconds in the micro!  do not stray from that recommendation!
  • if there is a painting in your house that suddenly smells odd, move it.  it’s probably pissed that you put it there & just needs a change of scenery.
  • it is NEVER okay to go out looking dumpy!  nevermind what i said about it being okay to be going out without makeup & sporting frump-wear!  it was bullshit & an oversight on my part.  you never know who you will run into, and you should ALWAYS LOOK LIKE YOU’RE GOING SOMEPLACE BETTER LATER!!  i live by this, and it has yet to let me down.
  • whiskey is usually a bad idea!  it will make you act retarded & you’ll have to apologize the next day for being an asshole. 
  • speaking of drinking…  drunk-facebooking, myspacing & ESPECIALLY drunk-texting is ALWAYS BAD!  you know it is, i know it is, and we’ve all done it.  so knock it off!
  • drunk-blogging is okay.
  • you’re more attractive than you think you are!  stop spending hours picking at invisible things on your face, and spend that time shaving your arms instead.  but girls only–boys without arm-hair is creepy!
  • close your closet doors at night, and always, ALWAYS put the fucking lid down on the loo.   and when you leave your home for an extended period of time, place stoppers in all your drains…otherwise all the good chi will go flying out of there while you’re gone!
  • ALWAYS TIP WELL!  i can’t say this enough.  i always tip at LEAST 20 or 25%, even if i get the worst service–which is NEVER–and i believe it’s just good-tipping karma.  do it!  i guarantee you’ll get excellent service in less than a month if you just start tipping better! 
  •  never, ever, EVER wear baby-backpacks.  i fucking hate, hate, hate them….and they just look stupid.

you’ll thank me later, and you’re welcome!

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