Tag Archives: porn

drugstore things & such that don’t totally suck

posted by:  audra

i dedicate this one to the lush list, my favorite beauty blog!  get excited.  ready?

i’m a total product snob…i can’t help it.  ever since my mom bought me a tube of lancôme définicils mascara when i was 15, i never (willingly) went back to cheap mascara…or any cheap cosmetic for that matter.  but, occasionally, you’re in the middle of getting ready & realize that you’re out of ysl liquid eyeliner.  shit!  what to do?!  sephora is too far away, so that’s out of the question.  no.  you pull on your stretchy black yoga pants & go to the drugstore down the way.  here are some of my favorites…

speaking of liquid eyeliner, wet ‘n’ wild actually makes a really good one.  it’s like 2 bucks, so who cares if you’ve screwed the cap on so tight that it cracked & then dried up(!)?  the container is pretty cute, but i have to admit that having wet ‘n’ wild in my makeup bag is a little embarrassing…so i’m happy when the lettering wears off & leaves me with a clean, black vial.  oh my god, how shallow is that?!

anyway.  next!

burt’s bees carrot nutritive night creme is awesome.   i’ve used many a high-end night creme & i prefer this one.  it’s not really a ‘creme’, it’s more of just a creamy-ish oil.  so many oils.  like, 7 or 8(!).  the first time i put this on, i thought it was trouble.  so oily! my bangs stuck to my forehead & if i moved my head real quick to one side, my hair would stick to my cheeks.  gross.  but! you think you will awaken to a broken-out face & looking like a greasy little piggy…but you don’t.  you’ll wake up with smooth skin that’s perfectly moisturized & soft.

ardell lashes.  again, i’ve tried the high-end lashes; the mac ones were the worst!  terribly flimsy…so much so that i got so pissed & irritated trying to get them on that i ended up cutting them in half & just using the outside portions.  what a disaster.  that was over a year ago, & i remember that night like it was yesterday…i threw a tantrum in the bathroom & theatened not going out & staying home because i couldn’t get my ‘fucking lashes on right’.  so dramatic!  anyway, these always stay firm enough to set them on your natural lashes & they don’t fall before the glue sets, but flexible enough so you are able to move them around some, if need be.  i finish mine with a coat of mascara to blend the lashes & am usually able to rewear them 3 or 4 times…just be sure to put them back onto the platform overnight to hold their shape!

veet.  my best friend forever.  love of my life.  the magic foaming cream that makes my naughty bits smooth.  i love this shit. but!  do not use this on your testicles!  bad things happen!  and for god’s sake, don’t stand in the kitchen texting whilst veeting your special girl bits!  you may accidentally drop your phone into your business & be picking dried veet out from the keypad for months.

st. ives microdermabrasion.  yes, yes…again, i’ve used dozens of high-end scrubs, but i love this.   i exfoliate my shit twice a day, so i’m not about to pay 50 bucks an ounce for something that i’m just going to run out of in a week.  so there.  it just makes my face perfectly polished afterward & smells nice.  and i like to think that i’m getting rid of fine lines & the beginning stages of crow’s feet, too.

does it count if it’s a salon brand?!  whatever.  pureology colourmax.  i hadn’t used any pureology products until my husband won a raffle at a rose city rollers benefit last year.  it was a gift bag filled with pureology, innersense (which is amazing!), and porn.  pureology is 100% vegan & stuff, which is nice…but i really just like how it smells.  like roses.  it’s supposed to extend the life of your hair color…but does it really matter if my hair color’s permanent?  the thing i really want to prevent is root-growth; but that can only be solved by dyeing my hair again.  after i wash my hair at night, i hose it down with this stuff & then blow-dry it.  my hair literally feels like straw during the day with all the product in it & this stuff restores it to its naturally silky state!

okay!  my last thing is an impulse buy that i picked up the other night.  i don’t even know why i was in the aisle…but i grabbed the garnier nutritioniste nutri-pure detoxifying wet cleansing towelettes, just for funsies.  for whatever reason, i was  really excited to try them.  so, i ripped off my lashes & went to town.  i was skeptical…but! these cleaned my face perfectly!  it claims to instantly remove makeup & mascara, & it totally does!  and i wear a shit ton of makeup!  my nars eyeliner that doesn’t come off, even after showering & cotton-swabbing?  gone!  my mac mascara x that’s impossible to remove sometimes?  also gone!  and no eye irratation.  none.  you’d better believe i was really scrubbing my eyes hard, too.  they smell good & i thought my face would be dry afterwards…but instead it felt moist & supple.  my skin is  super-sensitive & i haven’t broken out yet…well, there’s one obscene blemish on my face that refuses to leave, but that was before i bought these…i’ll let you know how it goes.

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audra: absolute power, romans & porn

one might assume what with all these snow days piling up, sam & i would be overflowing with blog-worthy material, no?  all i’ve been doing the past week is snacking, drinking, smoking & searing some lamb chops.  it’s sad, really.  oh, but i have managed more laundry & dusting than normal, which has been nice.  it took me last night’s screening of caligula (1979) to put some motivation in me.   all it takes are some brits pretending to be romans, be-headings, rape, incest & lots of dick & titties to inspire me.  who knew?!

caligula, the film based upon the reign of the third roman emporer gaius julius caesar augustus “caligula” germanicus, has been sitting in our netflix queue for months.  i don’t know what the fuck we were waiting for; the dvd sleeve states a forboding warning:  “this unrated edition contains explicit sex, nudity & violence as well as disturbing imagery.”  um…sold.

at first i was a little nervous; the credits take nearly ten minutes to get through, & i’m not one for films over two & a half hours…especially epic period pieces…but i just wanted to see me some helen mirren.  loves her.  and it’s produced by penthouse magazine editor bob guccione(!).  when caligula finally started with the scenery, i was totally hooked:  these ancient romans, they work & throw axes at boulders in the buff?  they’re all chiseled & such?  they have orgies & wife-swap in the evenings when most people are suppering?  clearly i was born in the wrong era.  wrong decade.  wrong century…?  and then i fell head-over-heels when i learned that caligula was in love with his sister, & they had this heated love affair.  scandalous.  and hot.

in addition to the delicious incest, this “dull period piece” contains public birth, rape, anal fisting & circle-jerks.  the circle-jerking part involved a prominent, respectable woman lying about on a big bed filled with pillows & scarves & such.  her name escapes me at the moment, but it’s really not important.  five or six roman men were standing around her, rubbing their meat hooks into a frenzy, then expelling the money shot into a regal gold dish…and then rubbing it on the pampered lass lying on the plush pillows.  probably to make better her complexion.  caligula walks in on this spectacle, & the woman begs him not to charge her lover of treason.  caligula rubs his head with some of the ejaculate, makes a comment about it helping with male-pattern baldness, & banishes her.  what a dick.

aside from all the graphic nudity & sex, you do learn a thing or two about caligula’s struggle with absolute power & his godlike ego, even referring to himself as a god on several occasions.  it eventually catches up to him in the end of the film though: (spoiler alert!) a few years after the public birthing of caligula & livia orestilla’s first child, his minion & the roman senate are so pissed off at him, that they plot an assassination.  swords fly, blood is spilt & even the child gets it — with a big conk to the head on the stairs.  ouch.

lovely film, this one.  i didn’t think i had it in me to finish it, but i did & i’m proud.  all it takes is a little nudity to get me interested in history.

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