Tag Archives: Pee

halloween in july & public urination

posted by:  audra

inhale deeply, babycakes!  do you smell that?  yes, that!  it’s sweat!  probably inner-thigh sweat!  and gunpowder!  or whatever the fuck they put into firecrackers!  resonating off of the stupid fucks who still think it’s awesome to be igniting fireworks well after independence day has taken place.  jesus.  i was fucking dying in the heat last week & i hate the fourth of july & i can’t wait for summer to be over already. and i can’t wait for the crumb-snatchers to get back to school.   i mean, jesus christ!  and i really am looking forward to those fall days where the sun is juuust going down at like 6:00 & you need your sweater to carve pumpkin trannies on your patio before watching sorority house massacre (1 or 2…both are excellent) for the fifth time whilst drinking pumpkin beer on the couch.  you know what i mean?  sigh…

you may be surprised to learn that the fourth of july used to be my favorite holiday.  it was.  believe it!  i was young…a tender 17 at best, and lived for it.  you know why?  because it was right in the midst of summer when it starts getting really hot.  the hotter the better, i thought.  god, what a moron i was.  now, if it gets over 70 degrees, i spazz out & develop hives (really!).  but when i was younger, even 98 wasn’t hot enough.

i would lay out in the sun forever…sometimes all day, on the roof.  and sometimes i would purposely burn myself…which wasn’t hard to do anyway, what with my fair, easy-to-burn complexion.  i thought that if i got just a slight burn, that it would make my skin more likely to tan the next time around(?!).  and then i would hit the tanning bed in the evening, just to be sure.  so gross.  it ended up just giving me tons of freckles & prematurely aging skin.  tanning is bad shit, kids!

whoa…what was that all about?!  anyway, your most beloved blog has been neglected as of late.  i’m sorry.  how is it you’ve been able to carry on?!  to satiate you, i’ll give you a few highlights from the recent past…stuff that happened & valuable nuggets of knowledge that i learned:

  • i peed in a cemetery.  i did.  in broad daylight & not even behind a tree.
  • i got drunk in said cemetery.  with my parents.  on courvoisier.  during a memorial service.  in 100 degree heat.  it was awesome.
  • sam & i drunkenly devoured cold fried chicken in my mom & dad’s driveway at midnight on saturday after frenzied, secretive chain-smoking.
  • we discovered we are indeed capable of 3-day benders.
  • surprisingly, the bender & being at my parents house are unrelated.
  • …in one instance, sam & i drank continuously for 25 hours straight.  vodka, beer, tequila and wine.  not one person out of the four of us was sick or fell down.  i’m impressed.
  • i ruined the heel on one of my betsey johnson booties during said bender.
  • i peed outside on a gravel road in the middle of nowhere.  again.  and managed to splatter my shoes.  again.
  • i bought a leopard print handbag with a gold chain at a yard sale for $3. i will probably never use it.
  • i learned that my great-great grandfather was an immigrant from sweden.
  • …and that my great-grandfather only had a 3rd grade education, but was very successful as the head of immigration & naturalization for oregon, washington & idaho.
  • it’s official:  i am allergic to sun.  i sat in the sun two weekends in a row & both times broke out in terrible, itchy welts & hives.  it was gross.  they’re gone now, but the freckles will take years to fade.  damn it.
  • i am on my fourth augusten burroughs book in about a month.  i’m in love with his writing…and i may even say that i like him more than sedaris(!).  i know…blasphemy.  but he’s so fucking amazing & hilarious & tragic.  i can’t believe we’ve owned several of his books for years & are just now cracking open the covers.
  • foreign horror films are a gabillion times better than american horror films, as you learned from watching them, of course.  we just watched a german thriller called antibodies (antikörper) that was over two hours long…and didn’t turn it off.  a lot of blood, a little sex, some pedophilia & plenty of nail-biting scenes.  lovely…just lovely.
  • i have purchased a new journal.  it’s black & looks like a bible, only without words & a cross & a mostly-naked hipster on the cover.  i read through one of my old journals the other night & realized that i’m not bad at writing…at least when i want to be.  i had written some “poetry” that actually kind of blew my mind a little bit!  either way, this new journal will no doubt soon possess some wicked awesome tales to help fill in my memoirs later.  get excited.
  • i’m pretty sure i’ve gained back at least the two pounds i had lost.  i’m afraid to weigh myself.  i’ve consumed nothing but booze, burgers, hot dogs, fried chicken & pizza the past week.  oh, and pigs in a blanket courtesy of the florida room.  how very american of me.

and there you have it!  i think that’s all.  i don’t know about you all, but i plan on milking this 68-degrees-in-july business for as long as i can.  perhaps i’ll pick up some pumpkin beer tonight, pull on a sweater, pretend it’s october & dig out sorority house massacre , just for fun…

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ocd, a bad attitude & mid-year resolutions

posted by:  audra

in an attempt to start june off with a better attitude, i’ve made a little listy-loo for myself of things to accomplish this month.  as an added bonus, i’ll be including some of the stupider things i’ve done in recent memory…because we all love to hear about others’ failures.  sort of like a mid-year resolution list.  and anyway, we hate it when our friends become successful, right?  it’s true.  morrissey doesn’t lie!

what?  whatever.  okay, here we go:

*i will start working out.  even though it’s hot & i hate sweating, i am getting fat girl arms and it’s terrible.  i have also developed a built-in plate holder on my midsection.  gross.  i know i say it all the time, but things are getting out of control.

*i will not pull over on the side of a dusty gravel road out in the middle of nowhere & urinate on my kate spade flats.  again.

*i should stop smoking in the car.

*i will not order any more fruity, sugar-rimmed bitch drinks at the bar, just because they’re different from an extra-clean ketel martini.  i’ll stick with the big girl drinks.  thanks, but no thanks.

*next time i play pinochle with the parents, i’ll wear elbow pads to avoid any unsightly blistering.

*whilst cleaning out the car, i’ll remember that i wadded up two semi-sharp cheese knives in a zip-loc & stuck them in the glove box.  when i remember this, i’ll surely be able to not hastily grab the baggie, compact it down with my knee, & pierce a hole through my jeans & knee…then cutting the shit out of my fingertip.  also, note to self:  keep band-aids & bactine in the car.

*i’ll get drunk by myself more often & watch pretty in pink on repeat for several hours.  i haven’t done this in so long that i feel like i’m losing myself!

*i will not stop telling you all ‘i told you so’ when you fuck up.  because i’m right, you know i’m right, i’m always right, and knew i was right from the start.  i always look out for your best interests…and anyway, who loves you more than any of your other loser friends?!  me!  i do!  i love you!

*i’ll start being more honest about not liking slumdog millionaire.  i keep saying, ‘oh, it was good…not that great…i liked it alright.’  but i really didn’t like it!  it was annoying.  it seemed long.  it was a stupid love story.  it made me feel gross.  god, i need a rape-shower just thinking about it.

*i’ll keep making fun of our neighbor with the ocd tendencies:  flipping the patio light on & off a certain number of times, flicking the locks on her sliding glass door & window repeatedly before retiring to bed for the evening, talking to herself…it’s ridiculous.  shit drives me mad.  that bitch is crazy & desperately needs some meds.

*we will blog more often.  for realsies.  just like in the beginning…remember?

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surprise! part deux

posted by:  Sam & audra

audra: good evening, kittens!  welcome to part two of the game surprises.  another drunken romp!  lush list wanted more, she gets it.  ask & you shall receive, my sweet.

aren’t you so fucking excited that you’re near wetting your knickers?!  i am.

Sam: I would, If I were wearing any.  For real.  We just returned from a fantastic afternoon of booze on the East Burn patio & a drunken trip to the record store.  We managed to take the new Peaches, The Horrors, Camera Obscura and a used copy of Shakespear’s Sister Hormonally Yours off their hands.  Perfect.

audra: you have.  no.  idea.  how excited i am to have the shakespear’s sister record back!   that shit changed my life.  i wanted to be them.  and the new peaches…so far i’m real impressed.  it’s a real show stopper.  panty dropper.  speaking of dropping panties, how amazing were the horrors last night?!  right?!  we’ll talk about the record in a bit…in the meantime, join me for my first ever listen to the new camera obscura my maudlin career

mmm.  yum.  first song, “french navy”…it makes me feel like i’m in a 1960’s film with catherine deneuve, & we’re walking down a busy street in paris with tons of shopping bags…you know, totally cliché, but oh so delicious.  what you think, hambone?

Sam: Hambone?  Well, I agree completely.   So far, so good.  It feels old, but in a new way.  Just like Paris.  Good call.  It makes me want to dress all in black, chain smoke and stroll down Rue Cler or down Avenue des Champs-Élysées.  Wow, we’re only on track four and I think I likey.  A lot.  Hmm… track five just started and it feels a little like a nursery rhyme.  Uh-oh.

audra: well, sorta.  not really?  i don’t know.  i just love their sound…they have yet to disappoint me.  i love the organ!  those super-sexy scots really know how to bring it & create a mood.  i would kill to see them in a really tiny, smoky bar & be color blind for a night.  black & white would be best.

Sam: i love the organ!”  There is the understatement of the year!

audra: well, i do love organs.  all shapes & sizes…but the bigger, the better.  that’s widely known.

Sam: Too big and you’re known for being wide.  Wow.  Really?  Anyway, back to Camera Obscura… I’m loving this record so far.  It would be rad to see them in some small smoky bar, but those days here in Portland are long gone.  They are coming though!  We can go see them in a rad old converted gymnasium!  With… wait for it… Agent Ribbons!  Sounds like heaven to me.

audra: we’ll see, we’ll see!  okay, i think i just nailed down my favorite track so far, “my maudlin career”…title track.  ‘you say i’m too kind & sentimental, like you could catch affection’?!  sigh!  i really like all the lyrics so far, & am so happy to be able to hold the actual disc in my hands & read the liner notes!  my fave.  support your local record store, you guys.  the boys are always cute & it will make you look cool!  do it!

Sam: Amen!  This one sounds like Ricky Nelson.  Ahh, Ricky Nelson.  Heart, heart!  I love that man.  Wow, it’s really hard to write anything right now with Audra attempting to mimic the vocals on this disc.  I need another drink.

audra: yeah.  whatever.  i did prit-tee good, never hearing the song before, yes?!

Sam: Don’t quit your day job.  Please.

audra: k.  end of the disc…well done, camera obscura!  buy this!  download it illegally!  whatever it is you do!  it’s damn good.  a good record to entertain to…your friends will love you & think you’re way smarter than you really are!  and you’ll look prettier too!  i promise!  next!

okay, you guys.  i’m kind of embarrassed about this next one, but shakespear’s sister is fucking awesome.  really!  i first bought this album in 1992 when it came out…probably around my sophie b. hawkins days.  mmm…so good!  it made me feel cool.  i did really want to be them…black hair, black eyes, too much makeup, black clothes…done!  good work, audra.  anyway, i saw this tonight & couldn’t resist.  six bucks.  believe it.

Sam: This pleases me too.  I had the “Stay” cassette single… the b-side was an “album sampler”.  God, I listened to it constantly.  I really think we would have been best friends had we known each other at that age.  And, just think.  The outcome would would have probably ended up the same!  I would normally make fun of you for a choice like this, but who encouraged you to buy it tonight?! That’s right.  Me!  I love it.  How can you go wrong with former members of Bananarama naming a band after a Smith’s song??  You can’t.

audra: dude.  “stay”.  sigh!  no, sighz!  with a z!  i listened to it constantly…i would fall asleep to it, pretend to fall asleep to it, masturbate to it…everything.  it reminds me of every terrible crush i had at the time, & countless, heartbreaking school dances.  it wrecked me & put me back together every time.  still perhaps in my top 10 favorite songs of all time…?  or is that the vodka talking…

Sam: No.  It really is a good song.  I remember the video kind of fucking me up.  In a good way.  Lets see if it still does.

Yep.  Still does!   Ok.  Moving on.  The new Bat for Lashes, Two Suns. Go!

audra: well, i’ve been over bat for lashes for quite some time.  all her songs sound the same to me, & once i was able to hear “what’s a girl to do” on the radio at my desk about 10 times a day…i’m totally ruined on it.  buuuut, her cover of “i’m on fire” still makes me wet!   anyway, it is good…i’m just tired of her.  travel exhausts me!

Sam: That bitch knows a good song to cover, I’ll tell you that much.  Her cover of The Cure’s “A Forest” is amazing.  And, the fist track on this record?! I love it.  Tonight is the first time I made it past the first twenty seconds of it… color me impressed.  Her voice makes me want to touch myself.  It has an early nineties feel to it, actually a little of reminiscent of Shakespear’s Sister…

audra: it is kind of good.  okay, really good.  but i never listen to it, ever.  it bores me.   but!  i do rather like the cover art!  it reminds me of pierre & gilles…did they do it??  hmm.  whatevs.  i’m ready to get schooled in the teaches of peaches, yeah?!

okay, kids…peaches, i feel cream.   when i saw sam’s post about the new peaches single, i was super-nervous.  singy-songy, in a slightly bad way… but when i heard the lines “i don’t give a fuck if you’re following me, i don’t give a fuck if you’re maulin’ me…” on the first track, ‘serpentine’ in typical peaches fashion, i knew my “suckin’ on my titties” girl didn’t let me down.  yes!

Sam: Let you down, she didn’t.  I’m going out on a limb here, but this might be my favorite release from her yet.  Mixed by Simian Mobile Disco & Digitalism…??!!  Bitch, please.  It’s damn near perfect.  ‘Talk to Me‘ is my jam.

audra: that song is starting to come around to me.   it’s definitely more of a grower, not a shower.  the rest of the record is fucking rad!  you want to throw a house party, get your guests drunk, throw them in the basement & put this on at 2am.  they will love you!  it sounds like sweaty same-sex makeout seshes in the corner.   yum.

Sam: You nailed that one.  This record makes you actually hope you get roofied at the bar and taken home to get railed.  Hard.  It’s sexy, in a dark, sleazy way.  Again, it’s a good thing I don’t wear underwear… or they’d be around my knees at every listen of this disc.

audra: yuss!  totally!  alright.  depeche mode sounds of the universe.  upon first listen, i wasn’t floored or anything like i thought i might be.  playing the angel seemed a lot more ooohy-ooh to me…but the more i listen to this one, the more i like it.  which is typically good coming from me; as in if i hear something & don’t warm up to it right away, i usually end up loving it to bits!  the video for “wrong” totally fucked my shit up & i love them for that!  i can’t stop watching it.  good work, boys…good work.

Sam: True.  You usually hate shit I love instantly… this being no exception.  I was super impressed with this record.  Minus the paint-shop inspired cover.  Gross.  Who told them that was a good idea?  They were stretching it with the feather boy on the ‘Playing the Angel‘ disc…. this takes it to a totally different level.  It’s a damn good thing the record holds it’s own against the cover.  If not, they would have seen my fist coming for their face for sure.  We’ll be seeing them in Seattle this summer and I’m so excited I’ve peed a ring around myself.  Oh. My. God. Ok, on to The Horrors!

audra: oh, the horrors.  most awesomest set ever?!  maybe!  i should’ve worn knickers last night, because my thighs were totally sticky the whole time!  their new sound is  like joy division, the jesus & mary chain, and my bloody valentine had a really sexy, boozed up baby.   not the kind of baby with fetal-alcohol syndrome, but the cool kind!  the kind that comes out of the vadge wearing a little eye-makeup, tight pants & smoking a cig!  yes!  how bad can that be?!

Sam: It’s like our dream baby… if we wanted one.  We’ve always said, “if we were to have a child it would be a hot, skinny, British boy”.   Any one of The Horrors would do the trick.  Especially Coffin Joe.

Ahh, I love him.  A lot.  Last night was perfect.  They totally switched up their sound, but it works.  I think I may even like it better.  A friend last night nailed it with a quote of, “Who is this?!  It sounds like they got fucked by Depeche Mode!”  Brilliant.  That sounds like a hot wet dream come true to me!

audra: isn’t he so delicious?!  i would probably break him in half, but maybe that would be hot.  we should try it.  fix me another drink, will you, lover?  i’m dry.

Sam: You, dry?  Never.  That’s an oxymotrin if I’ve ever heard one.

audra: do we have any?  oxymotrins?  nurse, come quick!  oh wait…  anyway!  i think this record will be our summer soundtrack!  for suresies!  i cunt wait!  it already sounds like hot, sweaty things rubbing on eachother, so why not?!  sigh…

Sam: I’m almost confident enough to say I couldn’t care less about what is on the horizon… between this record and the Fever Ray album, we’re set for this summer.  Believe it.  It’s that good.  And, if you don’t believe me… have a looksies for yourself.  And, if that still doesn’t convince you… then you might be dead to me.

S & a: on that note, good night, kittens!  We love you.  Real hard!

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Sam: From Copenhagen with love

Mark your calenders now.  Early December, roughly the 8th or the 9th – details are still a little scattered, Sune Rose Wagner is dropping his first solo album.  And the entire album is in Danish!  I am so excited about this, I am about ready to pee a ring around myself.  Go check out the fuzzed out, 60’s inspired tracks for yourself:  www.myspace.com/sunerosewagner

Oh, and you need to watch this.


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