Tag Archives: pasty & tasty

style icon: dita von teese

posted by:  audra

well, you all should know by now that i absolutely adore dita.  the queen of burlesque.  i love her so, so much that i would happily skin her alive & fucking wear her.  i daydream about it quite frequently, in fact.  always clad in vintage-y garb, pretty lingerie & flawless makeup, she’s quite possibly my number one style icon.

come love her with me, my dirty little piglets!  today we’ll be delving deep inside dita.  oooh, good title for a porn, don’t you think?!

ms. dita von teese was actually born on september 28, 1972 as heather renee sweet in rochester, michigan.  her mum, a manicurist, was super-into old hollywood glamour & screen actresses of the 1940s…which, in turn, rubbed off on dita when she was a little girl.  of course, when dita was older, she became obsessed with vintage glam:  red lippy, finger-waves, corsets & stockings.

at a young age, dita trained as a ballerina until she was 15; when she became a stripper at 18, dita would incorporate her ballet skillz into her performances.  she thought that the typical dancer’s routines were dull & such, so she created her own — complete with seamed stockings, a basque, hair done up in a beehive & long gloves.  delicious.

soon after the stripping gig, she began fetish modeling…and amid my investigation work on wikipedia, i learned this:

Through the wearing of a corset for many years, she had reduced her natural waistline to 22 inches and can be laced down as far as 16.5 inches.

um…why haven’t i tried this yet?!  amazing.  anyway, then came the playboy layouts & the famous burlesque shows to follow.  more recently, she’s done modeling for my bffs jean paul gaultier, heatherette & vivs westwood & is a spokesmodel for mac cosmetics.  of course!  hearts.

as if that weren’t enough to make me want to eat her [out], i read this little nugget:

“The one time I hired a stylist, they picked up a pair of my 1940s shoes and said, ‘These would look really cute with jeans.’ I immediately said, ‘You’re out of here.'”

and theeeen…ready?  you’d better pour a drink & sit down for this one: she dyes her blonde hair black, always does her own makeup.  and!  her beauty mark?!  fake! god, it’s like we were separated at birth!  i’ve always felt like i had a sister.  combine that with her love of bondage and her pasty & tasty complexion…?  jesus.  she’s better than huffing sharpie pens.

sweet dita dreams, my sweets.  you’re welcome.

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time sensitive material

posted by:  audra

every fucking night when i’m about to pop some roofies & slip on my satin leopard print, i ask myself, ‘audra, why is it you waste so much time, you wasteful time-waster?  and how come you never, ever get anything accomplished, ever?!’ this has really been bothering me lately.  i never seem to have the “time” to clean the house, get more than one load of laundry done — let alone put said laundry away after it’s clean — and definitely never have time to do any sort of fat-burning activity.

…even though i used to come home & do so every night, as well as tidy up a spot, and manage to get to bed before midnight.

…and let it be noted that no, indeed, i have not resorted to drinking more.

i think it’s my new morning routine that has set me up for failure…?  when i had more of this luxury called time, i would get up promptly at 5 o’clock-ish on a weekday, shower, go about my business & actually make it to work on time without a trace of panic.  now, my alarm goes off at 5:20.  i turn it off & wait for sam to shower first & wait for him to wake me.  he does so sometimes at 5:20, if i’ve already turned the alarm off…then again at 5:30.  lately, it’s been the third (sometimes fourth) attempt at 5:40 (or 5:50) that gets me up…and it’s been a lethargic, dirty-housed downward spiral since.  makes sense, right?

i’m now on a personal mish to make more time for myself, so i can actually keep my household up, perhaps cook something during the week(!), and still have plenty of gooey makeout time with the television, a wine bottle & my chaise.

alright.  so.  get your fancy panties on!  better yet – take them off!  get comfortable.  it’s time for a day in the life of yours truly!  and just so we’re clear, of course, this is weekday stuff only.  but i shouldn’t have to tell you that.  in fact, we’ll just use today as an example for funsies.  indeed, what did i do today?  where does all my time go?  i’m dying to know…you are too…

  • 5:40 am:  currently my typical wake-time, but 20 minutes behind what’s ideal for my morning routine.
  • 5:41 am:  get in shower immediately.  since i’ve saved time by shaving the night before, i can be out in less than 10 minutes.  i’ve also decided to only shampoo my hair once a day, so i’ve shaved a couple of minutes off there, too.  score.  i do however, at least condition my hair in the morning.
  • 5:50 am:  smelling like peppermint, i’m out in 9 minutes.  that’s good, right?  normally i could probably do 5 minutes, but today was a struggle.
  • 5:51 am:  detangle hair, wrap in towel.  moisturize everything…face first, then extremities & special girl bits.
  • 5:55 am:  apply anti-persperant/deodorant.
  • 6:00 am:  jesus!  i’m starting to see where my time is going in the morning…it takes 10 minutes to put on moisturizer?!
  • 6:01 am:  start makeup ritual.  eyebrows always first.  then eye makeup.  base, shadow, liner, more shadow, then glue on lashes.
  • 6:15 am:  while lash glue sets, i blowdry my hair after applying product.
  • 6:20 am:  get coffee & prepare a lovely english muffin for breaky.
  • 6:30 am:  sit outside with coffee & ciggie.
  • 6:37 am:  check email & such.
  • 6:45 am:  heat up flat irons & continue the getting ready process — apply mascara, some foundation.
  • 6:50 am:  turn the dryer on from the night before if clothes need the wrinkles taken out of them.
  • 6:55 am:  straighten my hair.  it really only takes about 10 minutes from start to finish, but for some reason it always takes me longer when i’m in a hurry.  of course.
  • 7:15 am:  complete makeup — finishing powder, lippy, what-have-you.
  • 7:25 am:  attempt to get dressed.  even if i have laid out everything the night before, it never fails; i stuggle finding fishnets or my bra.  every.  time.
  • 7:31 am:  leave the house.
  • 8:10 am:  arrive at workplace.  there was traffic, so i was late.  beautiful.  one would think that 29 minutes is more than adequate time to drive 12 miles.
  • 5:46 pm:  arrive at le cuntington manor.  traffic was a fucking mess & i’ll keep quiet my bitching about bad driver stereotypes.
  • 5:47 pm:  take off my shiny manolos & notice that the heels need repairing already.  of course.
  • 5:47 pm:  bitch about traffic.  bitch about how hot it is.  bitch about the humidity.
  • 5:47 pm:  note how i’m sweating like a fat girl writing her first love letter.
  • 5:48 pm:  open beer.
  • 5:49 pm:  smoke outside with the mr.
  • 6:00 pm:  do a quick inventory & determine that we, in fact, do not need to go to the store like i’d originally planned.  yes!
  • 6:01 pm:  notice that i’m star-ving & perhaps should have a snack?  maybe early dinner?  maybe not, because then i’ll just be starving at 10:00 & drunk & then drunk-snack?
  • 6:05 pm:  elect a snack of salami & a sharp white cheddar.
  • 6:06 pm:  change into a long black chemise i wore several years ago when i was bettie page for halloween.  it’s too hot for yoga pants.
  • 6:16 pm:  check email & update blog.
  • 6:25 pm:  look at the tele (family guy), consider changing channels & then notice my hands are dry.  perhaps i could use a fresh coat of polish, too…?
  • 6:26 pm:  see what sam’s doing.  ‘is that freddie mercury?’ i ask.  ‘it’s about queen.’ he replies.  ‘even better’ (sarcastically).  i exit the room.
  • 6:31 pm:  reenter kitchen.  put away cheese & salami.  consider doing a load of laundry, but determine it’s too stuffy to do so.
  • 6:32 pm:  consider picking out an outfit for tomorrow, but determine i’m too sick of what’s in my closet to do so.
  • 6:33 pm:  pick at imaginary things on my back & think about what interesting things i could possibly do tonight to make this blog more exciting.
  • 6:35 pm:  save draft, fix a v & t with exxxtra lime, and retreat to the veranda to have a fag.  and a cigarette, too.
  • 6:59 pm:  decide to wear my standard uniform tomorrow; a black skirt, black top & whatever heels aren’t tore up from the floor up.
  • 7:01 pm:  start washing machine…with, my specialty:  5 items or less…which is ridiculous & obviously the reason as to why i’m forever doing laundry.
  • 7:03 pm:  settle into my chaise with the queen documentary on the bio channel & my july issue of nylon.
  • 7:05 pm:  i didn’t last long…in fact, i never “settled in” at all.  the documentary was boring & sam was reading a book.
  • 7:06 pm:  working on this retarded time-wasting blog…
  • 8:07 pm:  i’m done.  clearly, my dawdling/blogging/procrastinating are the culprits.  and possibly getting up late & spending too much time getting ready.

time elapsed: approximately 15 hours, give or take.  you’re welcome.

you see what i do for you guys?!  sigh…  and now i’m missing the david bowie bio.  thanks a lot, assholes.

good night, babies.  i do love you.

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indeed, what WERE they thinking…?!

posted by:  audra

i was milling through an online gossip rag, in the celebrity fashion section.  embarrassing, right?  where the fuck do they find these trolls?!  the critics, i mean.  seriously!  they just don’t know their shit.  at all.  and it got me so worked up & so fucking pissed that i couldn’t handle another second & had to put it to work.  i know it’s not vogue or harper’s…but it still just made me so mad!  let’s look…

exhibit a:  lady gaga.  i’m not wild about her in general, but really admire her fashion courageousness.  she’s always in some costume-y ensemb & almost always looks stunning.  i really liked this one, & the caption on it was this:

“love her or hate her, there’s no denying lady gaga’s unique sense of style. however, in this particular case, unique doesn’t mean fabulous; it means ugly.”

i swear to you, if i owned this dress & it didn’t exacerbate the genetic betrayal that is my legacy…it would be the going-out dress!  the sunglasses are retarded, but the hat & dress are just so. fucking. cute.  love.  i’m just livid they didn’t even mention the designer’s name.  of course!

next!

exhibit b:  madonna in louis vuitton.  i’ve mentioned this one before, and this was actually found in the “worst of the year” section.  it’s green!  feathers!  vuitton!  madonna!  sigh…

exhibit c:  mary-kate olsen.  it’s my girl!  and here they were ragging on her for her “pale skin” & looking like “courtney love”…and i love me some courtney, but this had malicious intent.  that’s two fucking blows to my heart in one photo!  m-k looks so amazing here…and her pale skin?  it’s healthy & not sun-damaged or spray-tanned!  gross!  stop doing that, you guys!  pasty is tasty!

exhibit d:  rachel bilson.  delicious.  i love her…so gorgeous.  in this one they couldn’t stop ragging on her “hiding her frame under a foul phillip lim creation” & “clunky christian louboutin booties”.  ten bucks says that if she would’ve been wearing something form-fitting or whatever, they would have said she should…you know, “eat something”…  sigh!

exhibit e:  drew barrymore.  here she’s at the premiere of the grey gardens remake.  i hate drew.  i really, really do…but she looks really film-appropriate here, don’t you think?   never mind the horrendously awful little edie portrayal she did…the dress & hairpiece are lovely.  edie would’ve loved it, too!

exhibit f:  bobby trendy.  say yes for pink!  he’s obnoxious, but i adore him.  and admire anyone who would wear this out.  fucking rad!

exhibit f:  kat von d.  love!  so fucking hot:  she wears tons of makeup, has tons of tattoos, wears mostly black & is terribly good-looking.  what is not to love?!  this website in question called her an “exhibitionist” & told her to “put her shirt back on”.  and then! one asshole made this comment on the photo:  “i love her too but she is getting a little chubby and needs to give up those pants!”  for real!  god, i hate people.

there.  i feel much better now.  it’s just all very frustrating…  whilst watching red carpet events on the telly, celebrities get ragged on for looking boring like this…but chastised when taking fashion risks like this.  so exhausting!  wear what you want, my little fashion tartlettes!  and for god’s sake, if you see a fashion blogger who rips apart my dita like this…turn your christian lacroix’d ass around & head the other direction.  good night.

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Filed under celebrity gossip, fashion

make-up art cosmetics…

posted by:  audra

…is a really dumb name for a company, don’t you think?  i particularly have a problem with the dash in makeup.  thank heavens they go by mac instead!  this is part two of my cosmetic review for the lush list, but this time we’re exploring mac(!).  i’m so excited for this…so very excited!  i absolutely adore mac products; they’re fairly inexpensive, good quality & dressed in black.  honestly, what could be better?!

i believe the first product of mac’s i tried was the select sheer pressed powder.  i wore this one for years.  the only real problem i had with it was cakiness after a couple touch-ups.  and i touch-up a lot…really, i have a problem.  oh, and it gets progressively darker throughout the day/evening, but i suspect that might’ve been the oxidation of my foundation…which we’ll discuss later.  so i switched.  to the blot powder ($21).  it’s more sheer, & it’s a little whiter than the select sheer, which is nice for my pasty & tasty complexion. i just now realized the irony:  that the blot powder is more sheer than the sheer powder.  huh.  interesting.  so, moving on…the blot powder does it’s job; it blots & acts (mostly) like a translucent powder, but it has a tendency to sit on top of the skin…not cool!  a lot of times i felt totally gothed out with my white face & dark eye-makeup…especially so when i had on red lipstick, too.   what a nightmare.  i would recommend the blot powder, but i’ve since switched to laura mercier translucent pressed setting powder ($30).  i’m much happier with her!

foundation.  i don’t really need it; i have nice skin.  i just don’t feel complete without it.  i love, love, loved mac’s select spf 15 foundation.  so, of course, they would stop making my shade (nc15).  sure, they make my shade in other products, but i tried the studio fix fluid & hated it.  it was much darker than the select spf stuff & made me break out.  it felt a lot oilier too…gross.  i went back to the select spf & tried another shade.  it still seemed too dark for me.  sigh!  i just gave up all together & bought some lorac.

okay.  lip gloss.  the lush list isn’t wild about glosses, but i live for them!  and i like to call them ‘lippies’.  other than dior, i firmly believe mac makes the best glosses glasses…plushglass, lustreglass, clear lipglass…oh god, i think my head may explode.  my standby is the clear lipglass.  it looks perfect over a sheer lipstick (my choice is a viva glam stick, but i’ve used it so much the shade number has worn off!) & doesn’t run when i put too much on(!).  it lasts longer than most glosses & stays on even during beer-drinking & lip-licking.  my other favorites are plushglass in nice buzz ($17.50) & lustreglass in instant gold ($14).  both are perfectly shiny with just enough sparkle.  the plushglass is fun with a little cinnamony-tingly treat in it!   and i like lustreglass for it’s little brush applicator.

i’m in lust with eye brows.  the pencil is super thin, self-sharpening & comes in a jet black shade called velvetone.  it goes on smooth, even when i’m shaking from being over-caffeinated & hungover in the morning.  loves!  $14.50.

mac’s eye shadows are rad.  pretty long-wearing, although not as long-wearing as nars…but good nonetheless.  again, they stopped making my favorite shade, suspicion.  it was this amazing black-brown with little gold flecks in it.  so cute!  right now i use a mix of black tied, smut (both velvet finishes), white frost (frost finish, obvs!) & a surprisingly nice shade of brown, called brun (satin finish).  clarity (matte) is fucking awesome.  i hardly ever wear it; i have a hard time pulling off really bright eye color, but i still love it!  clarity is the bright blue shadow on the left.  so cute!

one mac product i’m not happy with is mascara x, $12.50.  the brush shape is fine, but the mascara itself is somehow messier than any other mascara i’ve used ever.  i don’t know why.  it always ends up under my eyes when i’m doing my lower lashes & i just hate it!  so annoying.  zoom lash i’m not wild about either; the brush is just too tiny & pathetic.  the description of zoom lash is “this instant volume mascara power-lifts the lashes into length, curls them up…builds them faster than you can wink!”  whatever.  i just got a clumpy un-curled mess!  it’s terrible.  plush lash,$12,  on the other hand, is good stuff.  buy this one.  the tube does tend to dry out pretty quickly & cause flaking, but i just buy another fresh tube!

mac eye liners are amazing too!  my very favorite is the technakohl liner in graphblack.  it’s creamy, but stays in place pretty well.  blendable/smudge-able.  and!  self-sharpening.  love that.  i’ve been wanting to try their liquid liner, but haven’t yet…maybe soon-ish?  i tried the powerpoint liner awhile back, & wasn’t loving it…it sharpened weird.  and it’s waterproof, which makes it nearly impossible to remove…even with makeup remover. eye kohl is nice too, if you don’t mind sharpening it.  i buy it in smolder.  all the liners i’ve mentioned here are $14.50.

paints, $16.50.  these are cute little tubes of liquid eye color.  i wanted to love them, but i haven’t been impressed.  i bought some quite awhile ago & used it maybe once or twice.  from what i remember, it was difficult to blend & i recall some nasty flaking going on as well.  i may try to use it again, just to be certain that i hate it…but if i were you, i would avoid this mess!  i have heard really good things about the paint pots though:  nice pigment, long-wearing & blendable.

on to nail lacquer!  i love me some nail polish.  just recently, sam & i went shopping; i accidentally came home with something like 10 or 12 bottles of new polish.  whoopsie!  mac’s nail lacquer ($11), i think, is totally worth the eleven bucks.   where else can you get something named varicose violet?!  and steamy is a really good hot pink…it’s my favorite.  it seems to last maybe a little bit longer than drugstore polish, & it goes on smoothly.

okay.  i think that does it…but i’m sure i’m forgetting something.  i’ll dig around in my old makeup tonight & see if i can find anything else for you.  in the meantime, go to mac & buy some delicious lippy!  the makeup artists in the stores/at the counters are so hot & they’ll also do your makeup for you, free of charge!

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oh. my. god.

posted by:  audra

mko for interview magazinesam was watching the news the other night, & scurried in to tell me to google mary-kate’s interview magazine spread for march.  anyone else but m-k, & i probably would have finished what i was doing first…but for her, everything stops.

christopher bollen interviews the better olsen twin in the march issue of interview.   i’m so, so excited for this…the photographs look amazing.  can she look any hotter?  really?  all pasty & tasty with her platinum blonde hair & smoky eye-makeup…?  sigh!  i just want to snap off her little bony fingers & eat them one by one whilst stroking her big head & gazing into her gigantic elfin eyes.  so delicious:

the wordpress police wouldn’t let me post the video of the photoshoot, & i think interview has already taken it down anyway… but you should take but a second to skim part of the interview here.  so good.  you won’t be sorry.  i promise! oh, and p.s…  remember when i was fretting about m-k being pregnant, months ago?  i’m so, so relieved those rumors proved to be false.  it looks like she slimmed down some, too.  thank heavens.

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Filed under fashion, mary-kate olsen, photo