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the horrors

posted by:  audra

what, in god’s name, does it take to make a good horror film these days?!  i don’t get it.  every single one of them is bad.  sometimes they start out okay, and then inevitably, something really fucking retarded happens at the end to ruin the whole thing for you.   this year cuntington octhorror fest was a bit of a disappointment.  some good, some bad….we mostly just ran out of time for more of the good ones.  which is fine; lots of entertaining & such…but still, i miss my saturday evenings in frump-wear, watching hours & hours of bone-sawing, eye-gouging deliciousness.  here are a few highlights of le cuntington octhorrorfest 2009:

first let’s take the much-hyped paranormal activity.  after seeing the trailer online, and then going through all the effort to ‘demand it’ in our beloved pdx, i thought it was going to be thee best movie about a haunting ever made.  sam & i went with a couple of friends last week, and i was nearly clawing the spanx right off my thighs–i was that  excited for it.   in case you missed trailer, here it is:

right?!   it looks good!  blair witch mockumentary style with a cast of nobodies & a disembodied presence lifting the sheets!  yes!  no.  “scary as hell.” &  “the scariest movie of the year.” ?!  really…?  there’s too much talking at the beginning; lots of annoying banter, which some reviewers found “funny”.  the girl–katie–gets old real  quick.  she claims she’s been followed by a ghost or something her whole life, and the activity in their house has picked up.  so, katie & her boyfriend micah begin to document all of this, hoping to catch something on camera.  my favorite parts were the night-time playbacks of their bedroom during sleep…but mostly you’re just left waiting for something to happen.  i won’t ruin it for you, but the ending is terrible.  everyone amongst us in the theater was literally laughing out loud(!).  there were no ending credits, & the lights never came on…so we all just sat there waiting.  one person asked, “is that it?”  another replied, “god, i hope so.”  let that be a warning to you.

the haunting in connecticut. 

did you see the docudrama this is based on?  it’s done by the discovery channel, those little reenacted tales of hauntings, appropriately called a haunting.  (which by the by, have moved to tuesdays at 11am now!)  anyway, so we saw the documentary-thing this film was based on–a haunting in connecticut–and liked it.  really liked it.  it’s about a boy whose name escapes me a the moment–paul i think?–who has cancer.  the mother spends hours & hours every day bringing him back & forth from their home to the hospital, and opts to rent a house that’s closer to the hospital, to make it easier on her son.  eventually the whole family moves in, and they all experience paranormal goings-on in the house; a former funeral home.  the movie, however, makes it appear that it’s only paul who is experiencing these things & chalks it up to his cancer treatment & medication…like he’s hallucinating.  they stray so far away from the original story, that i found it ridiculous.  lots of special effects in poor-taste, too, which is never okay.  it started out good, it could’ve ended well, and they ruined it.  based on true events!

the changeling.

this one’s a real gem.  it’s scary, has a sordid plot and george c. scott.  a 1980 film about a man who moves into a gigantic abandoned mansion after seeing his entire family bite the dust.  he soon discovers that he is not alone in the house & that he’s being contacted by the spirit of a young girl.  drama ensues! 

the strangers.

okay…this isn’t new to us, but sam & i rewatch it every time it’s on–and it’s always scary.  there is nothing more frightening to me than the thought of home invasion.  this is one of my all-time favorite films about just that:  liv tyler (i know, i know…) and her boyfriend are staying at his family’s cabin in the woods.  they come back to the cabin after a little soiree at like, 4am, have a huge fight, and then hear a knock at the door.  “is tamara there?”  sweet jesus, if anyone comes to your door and asks for tamara, shoot them in the head & get the fuck out of there!  anyways…so, from then on, liv & her boyfriend are tormented from the outside by a group of people wreaking havoc on their nerves.  sounds dumb, but it’s awesome all the way through, and truly nail-bitingly intense.  but! as we learned before, writers & directors are the experts of fucking up endings:  this one ends retardedly as well…but it’s still worth seeing.  inspired by true events!

the mist.

i refuse to even post the trailer; sweet god almighty…how i made it through this entire film, i will never know.  it was cold out?  we made grilled cheeses?  it was a sunday afternoon & nothing else was on?  whatever–there’s still no excuse.  possibly the WORST MOVIE EVER.   a bunch of mismatched hillbillies get locked in a supermarket while the earth is being taken over by gigantic, genetically fucked insects developed by the military.  the guy from hung stars, as well as marcia gay hardenup for film roles.  hung takes a risky move near the end & it almost  made the movie worth my time…but that’s 2 hours of my life i will never, ever get back. 

the cottage.

it’s british!  british-horror, which means it’s kinda funny!  in a good way!  the short version:  2 brothers kidnap a blonde slut, who who’s daddy’s a stripclub kingpen, or something.  the two don’t really know what they’re doing, and cute little british hijinks unfold.  a kind of leatherface shows up at some little cottage up the way–the very same cottage a couple of characters try to find refuge in–and MORE hijinks unfold & shovels fly!  blood, decapitation & cleverly delivered humor.   sounds dumb, but it’s totally kinda really good. 

the moral is this:  don’t let bad horror films ruin your halloween next year!  stick to the good ones:  the shining, wolf creek, poltergeist, the amityville horror, texas chainsaw massacre, friday the 13th & halloween.  the ORIGINALS, you guys!  don’t fall for the remade crap.   and if you want b-movies– cheerleader camp, sleepaway camp & sorority house massacre!  you will love them.  i love you & you’re very welcome.  you can buy me a drink or something later…our little secret.

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