Tag Archives: masturbation

bonnie et clyde

posted by:  audra

okay.  so…something terrible has happened.  something of epically catastrophic proportions:  sam brought it to my attention the other day that kylie minogue has sampled one of my favorite-favorite songs ever —  bonnie & clyde, done by brigitte bardot & serge gainsbourg.  shame on you if you don’t know it…do your homework!

i nearly lost it.  tears & hair-pulling & everything else that comes with a nasty hissy fit.  my super-sexy, dirty little secret was now going to be ruined by australia’s pop darling?!  one of the most well-written songs of all time, perhaps?  i didn’t know what any of the words meant until i was able to translate them into english, but it doesn’t matter!  it’s still upsetting!

but…at least it’s not a cover, right?!

last night, i had to see for myself.  so, i did some investigation work & brought up youtube.  i searched for kylie’s new song, sensitized, which contains my sample.  i didn’t see the official video posted yet, but i watched some crappy one where the music had been set to a different video of hers.  i hate it when people do that.  but anyway, i listened to the whole mess…

…and it’s totally not bad!  for real!  and then i saw this amazing marilyn montage & fell in love with it.  watch it right now! theeen, i saw this other one in the related section, and happened upon the promo for sensitized…and it’s.  totally.  fucking.  hot!

what’s wrong with me?!  first jesse mccartney & now this.  whatevs.  here you go!  you’re welcome.

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queers, five years & saturday’s mistake: part two

posted by:  audra

…because apparently, the “cash thing” is “an asshole”…at least according to the girl behind the bar.  finally, the “cash thing” spits out a receipt disguised as an error code, which prompts bar girl to call her manager, who is not on site…but maybe we can “wait around until he shows…?”  she then asks sam to write down his debit card number on a piece of paper so that they can “charge it later”.  you can imagine my frustration at this point.  instead of complying with her sketchy request, sam finds an atm & opts to get $20 out.  for 2 drinks, our tab came to $11, which is not unreasonable.  we pay with the 20, & she hands him back $12.  so, not only can she not use a modern p.o.s program properly, she can’t do basic math!  we conclude that this is alright with us considering our experience thus far & take the extra couple of bucks.  shut up!  you would totally do the same thing!  this place was sick!  not dive-bar-sick in the least…just icky.

in desperate need to take a rape-shower but nowhere to take it, we head back upstairs for our table.  lip gloss will have to suffice.  still, more waiting.  at least 20 minutes worth.  all the while listening to a frizzy-haired ‘actress’ from l.a., wearing a stretchy american apparel frump dress with cowboy boots & a denim jacket go on & on about her next role, opposite brittany murphy: do you know who she is you guys, and ohmygod, & how on both sides of my family there is a long history of suicide, isn’tthatweirdyouguys i was like whoa! really?  jesus!

okay.  things are getting better.  we’re now seated.  deep breath.  wait, where’s our server?  are they like, seriously under-staffed?  please tell me that 4 servers called in sick or something?  i realize saturday nights are busy…but they have a good reputation & should be prepared for this type of thing, wouldn’t you think?  it took at least 10 minutes just to order a glass of wine!  but thanks, baby jeebus, for having the elk cove rosé.  that was lovely to start with & was perfect with our cheese plate.  even though i can’t remember the names of any of the cheeses besides gorgonzola, triple crème & white, that was still really very nice of you.  it almost canceled out the time i asked you for a tranny for christmas & you didn’t deliver.  almost.

then something went awry, just when they were looking up.  some dick photographer decides to set up shop right.  next.  to us.   literally like 6 inches away from our table.  god, i was so pissed!  total disregard.  had he whispered a “pardon me you guys but you two are so incredibly delicious & i just want a photograph of you to masturbate to later, and this will just take a second…sorry for the disruption.” i would have been cool with it.  it was fine at first, but he just stayed there snapping pictures in my face for like 10 minutes, breathing on our four cheeses.  finally he moved & went to bother someone else, only to return moments later…

…to be continued tomorrow, my pets.

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