Tag Archives: marc jacobs

shoe trouble

posted by:  audra

i didn’t think it was going to happen there for awhile, but! i have finally taken my beloved shoes into my favorite cobbler.  i attempted to take my broken, beloved shoes to the cobbler.  last night i went out of my way to drop off all of my precious cargo to be repaired.  well, three pairs at least.  and it was fucking closed.  againthis is the third time in a row that this has happened to me.  their hours on the door state that they are open until 6:00pm every night.  and every time i show up shortly after 5:00pm, there is a sign on the door saying “will return at 9:00am”  fucking hell!  are you fucking kidding me with this shit?  to make it worse, i’ve called.  and called.  and called their number & just gotten the answering machine–and this is even during normal business hours.  so i’m pissed.  i have no cute shoes to wear, & am in total panic about what shoes i could possibly wear on to go out with on saturday.

i did this to myself.  had i taken them in, one by one, as the heel pads crumbled, or even as the metal started to show, this could have been prevented.  but now, all my good shoes are fucked & i’m upset.

i could have taken in ten, & probably should have, but that will have to be another time.  that’s too many at once, ten.  just the three pairs alone scares me…one of which are my babies, the red marc jacobs that i lament over constantly.  the other two pairs have been broken for ever.  forever.  a weitzman & a fairly inexpensive square-toed joey o, both stilettos.

typically i’m not wild about weitzman shoes, what with all that bling & tack all over them, but these are perfect, pointy, black stilettos that i’ve had for years, and the heel has cracked once again.  also, the lining is falling apart.  and the joey o’s?  i got them for probably less than $100 like….four or five years ago.  i got them right before a birthday, & in typical new-shoe-fashion, i proceeded to get drunk one evening whilst galloping around the house in them.  “breaking them in”, i call it.  i then remember getting the brilliant idea of making one of my favorite dishes–buttered pasta with tons of kosher salt–right after midnight, as it was now officially my birthday.  i had romantic visions of sitting my then-much-thinner-ass down on the couch & devouring my pasta while staring at my shoes…and i’m pretty sure i was watching the beautiful girls dvd on repeat.  anyway, i peeled around the corner in the kitchen, probably scrambling for some butter, & one of the heels snapped off.

just like that.

it was a clean break.

i was so pissed.  and on my birthday!  ridiculous!  they were fairly cheap though.  and the heel was plastic.  plastic!  not even coated with leather!  anyway, i was so pissed that i threw them in my closet after only one wear & they haven’t seen the light of day until now.  even though they’re several years old, they are still really cute.  very smart looking, these are.  so, we’ll see how long they last at the hands of my cobbler.

my cobbler is a funny little man.  he looks exactly the way one would imagine a cobbler:  kind of short, old, long grey hair, round glasses…except this one smokes a lot of pot.  every time i go in there it’s like hotboxing.  sort of like tommy chong & geppetto from pinocchio had a baby & the baby opened a shoe repair shop.    the narcotic indulgence is fine with me–if one is at home, or hanging out with friends or something–but not when you’re holding a hammer & nail to my $500 shoes, thank you.  maybe it steadies his hands…?  eases his arthritis to get into the fine leather-work details of my footwear?  so far, no mistakes.  he does a beautiful job refurbishing where the back of the heel has become scuffed from driving & resoling where i’ve walked many a drunken step on cobbled sidewalks & gotten the heel lodged in a crack.

there are just two instances thus far where i thought i was going to have to hurt him:  the first was when the stitching was coming undone from the zipper pull on my large coach handbag.  i took it in to him, and a couple days later, it was ready.  i had sam go pick it up for me, but he couldn’t find it right away.  in fact, i believe he said it “wasn’t here”.  sam told him that it was a “big, black, leather handbag?  you redid the zipper pull?”  finally, after digging through stacks & stacks of bulky plain brown paper bags, he found it.  crisis averted.

the second time, i had taken in some nice michael kors heels.  not terribly high-end, but i love them & have had him resole them several times.  i went in to pick them up, the night i had to wear them.  i handed him my ticket and he said they weren’t ready.  he said, “oh, no, no.  those are gonna take me a few days.  i had to unscrew the heel & order a special fitting for them.  try back on tuesday.”

i was furious.  i barked at him spitting, “um, you told me you’d have them ready!  tonight!  by 4pm!  i need them tonight, and this is bullshit about unscrewing the heels.   you’ve worked on them before, and i’ve never had a problem.  just give me the shoes & i’ll take them elsewhere.  i’m not paying for your services.”

he held up the most hideous skank-deluxe strappy prom shoes i’ve ever seen…believing them to be mine.

i said, “those are not mine.   mine are the black pumps with studs?”

“oh…THOSE!  yes, of course!  they’re right here.  i just got done polishing them.  here you go.”

“oh!  they look purrfect.  thank  you so much.  have a great night!”

again with the pot-smoking during work hours!  jesus christ!  i almost had a shoe-aneurysm!   in a bad way!

his prices have gone up considerably since i started going to him a number of years ago, but his quality is well worth it.  currently, he’s charging $25 per pair for a new heel pad & half-sole, complete with a little metal tack in the toe to help prevent excess wear there, too…which is still ridiculously cheap compared to a new, $400 or $500 shoe.   i consider my shoes to be my children, so it’s kind of like taking them to the pediatrician; the little metal tack thing acting as a booster shot.  i’m a little hesitant, though, about the marc jacobs repair.  they’re my favorites, & they’ve never had to make a trip to the shoe doctor.  and now my shiny manolos are ruined, too.  however will he make the dull silver on the back of the heel gleam again?!  will he fuck up the suede leopard print lining?  oh jesus, i think my head may explode.  i’m shallow & materialistic like that.

so, wish me luck!  or, better yet, wish geppetto-chong-the-shoe-guy luck.   he fucks up & disfigures one of my babies, i’ll be driving one of those little shoe nails through his forehead.  if i can ever get in the fucking door.

i’ll keep you posted.

Leave a comment

Filed under fashion

excess baggage

posted by:  audra

this fucker has let me down.  look at him, so smug with that retarded stephen sprouse graffiti!  but let’s make this snappy; i’m in a big hurry to get drunk before 11 & finish my augusten burroughs trilogy.

so, remember the marc jacobs handbag i purchased last november to reward myself for losing a certain amount of weight, when in actuality i never lost it & purchased the bag anyway?  it’s falling apart.  it is.  the internal stitching is fraying, the straps are peeling & the bottom looks like i’ve dragged it across the parking lot behind slow bar.  which i’ve done with some of my handbags, but never this one.

truthfully, i was never happy with the handbag to begin with.  this could be why she’s turning on me.  i wanted black; she was brown.  ‘bat brown’.  i settled for bat brown because the structure is nice, & there was no black option for that particular bag.  and it has tons of room.  seriously you guys, i could fit at least one premature baby in there…probably two.  twins.  and the latest issue of vogue, along with some lipgloss, a travel umbrella, spare panties just in case, perhaps a midsized perfume, too.  i grew to like her, even though she clashed badly with my reoccurring blackwear.

i noticed the scuffs & scrapes on the bottom & was slightly annoyed, but i let it slide.  then the straps started cracking.  then peeling.  then peeling some more.

i was pissed.  one doesn’t spend nearly five-hundred dollars on a tote to watch it die before her eyes six months later.

i investigated the zappos.com returns & exchange policy yesterday, the place from which bat brown betsey came.   actually, the couture side of zappos from which it was purchased.  it clearly states that for one to receive a refund or exchange, the merchandise must be in new condition, as well as in its original packaging…of which i tossed in a fit of feng shui the night i’d unwrapped it.  so, yesterday i emailed zappos.  and bitched.  nicely.

i told them that i was extremely happy with the bag at first… and that now the straps were falling apart… all that shit.  i may have exaggerated a little, but i shouldn’t have to put up with an mj taking its last breath so soon…especially when it took years of abuse for the heel of my red marc jacobs shoes to break on me.

this is what i got back, less than twenty-four hours later:

“i’m very sorry that the marc jacobs softy tote is not holding up as well as expected.  although the item has been used, we will allow you to return or exchange the bag as a one-time courtesy.”

but wait.  it gets better.

“i have taken the liberty of emailing you a pre-paid ups return label…we will ship the exchange order out right away, before we receive your return.  we only ask that your return order is received within 14 days of the exchange being shipped.”

how easy is that?  amazing customer service.  i’m not even sure if nordstrom would be that courteous.  so this is my very quick zappos plug:  they are awesome & will not let you down like a light tampon on an unexpected heavy day.  believe it!

the return part is set.  the replacement is another story.

i’ve spent hours looking at handbags.  do you know how many hideous bags there are out there?!  hearts, charms, zippers askew…and that’s only the high-end ones.  sigh.  i even considered taking the refund & spending my reimbursement elsewhere.  still, nothing.  well, not nothing–i did find a lovely alexander mcqueen that made my thighs sticky, but it would cost me at least two entire paychecks…which probably isn’t a wise decision.  tempting though.

i’ve decided to go with another jacobs.  i know, i know…it will probably fall apart on me too.  i just love him so much!  and they’re the only ones i like…really!  and, since i am able to return this one after almost seven months of wear in exchange for another, it’s sort of like having the new one for that long & so if it breaks apart like the one before, it’s like i’ve had that one for a year, which is better than six or seven months.  right?  i’ll keep you posted.

2 Comments

Filed under Diary, fashion

no need to slit your wrists just yet…

posted by:  audra

how is it that you’ve been able to carry on?!  seriously, we’ve been super-lazy & really uninspired lately…combine that with being busy, & then a whole stream of unfortunate events…well, it just leads to lameness.

but fret no more.

i have news.  sort of. well, at least i have something moderately entertaining to talk about…?

following what could have possibly been one of the more poor quality weeks i’ve had in awhile, i get a speeding ticket on my way into work friday.   my driving record is clean, & was only following the flow of traffic at 70 mph in a 55 zone.  big fucking deal, yeah?  oh, this cop was quite the  ass!  he was short, really, really unattractive, pudgy, & had a real attitude on him.  i believe it was his personal mish to ruin some swell girl’s friday…even though he told me to ‘have a nice day’.

wait–i should’ve prefaced the story a little better:  i was feeling like such a bad person last friday, that i gave money to a homeless lady i see on the freeway ramp all the time.  if she were to clean up a spot, i think she’d make a damn fine dame judy dench stunt double!  anyway, i just needed something to make me feel better…even if it was supporting her meth habit.  so i did something nice, & was expecting karma to reciprocate the generosity, & went about my way.

but that didn’t happen.

fuck you, officer douche bag!  you’re a dick & you successfully ruined my friday.  i hope you’re happy & i hope you went home to find that someone has sewn rotting sardines into all your draperies.  have a nice day.  next!

but wait again–it gets better!  saturday sam & i went out to see some friends we haven’t seen in like, 4 years.  we get drinks, giggle uncontrollably & fun ensues.  i had maybe 4 or 5 ketel martinis.  extra dry, please, & keep it clean…a martini is the only thing i don’t like dirty.  i haven’t had any hard liquor in some time, & had actually stopped drinking it in favor of beer or wine, because i tend to get a wee bit too tipsy.  you see, good vodka tastes like water & i really, really like water.

the 7 of us pile into a cab & we head to a show down the way.  i’m sitting in the very back, so i’m last to get out.  apparently, i’m way excited to get into another bar & get myself a drink, so i step a little hastily out onto the little running board (or whatever).  whoopsies!  i start to fall (but not all the way down this time, thanks baby jesus).  someone catches me (i’m still unclear who, but thank you…justin?!).  i blurt out something like, “oh my god!  i’m totally not that drunk, i swear!  my heel got caug….”

someone (again, not sure who…it’s all a blur from the trauma) says to me that my heel has broken off.  what?

not just any heel.

my favorite-favorite red marc jacobs heels, peep toe, nearly mint condition, never had a scratch or had to get them resoled, deliciously tall towers of shoe perfection.

broken.

even the pad on the heel came off!  of course, instead of just taking off my shoes like any normal person would do, i walked tall & acted like nothing had happened.  i think i pulled it off pretty well…but i did have to hobble just a little bit…and fill every single bar patron in on my ordeal.  strangers even — the bartender, a plastic surgeon, a cute boy named garrett…

it was rough, but i made it through the evening.  i have to say, once we got back to the car, it made it easier to drive not having a heel on my right foot.  i was still upset though.  what’s a girl to do?

vintage shopping!  sunday afternoon sam & i dragged ourselves out of  hangover hideaway & went to my favorite vintage store.  i had a good feeling about this trip, because just friday night i dreamt that i went a’vintaging & found loads & loads of amazing stuff.   well kids, i didn’t find loads of amazing stuff…but what i did find were these things:

  • handbag i wanted in december.  it’s super cute, a bit too small for me, but 1950s flat flip top handbag with a mirror inside.  the reasons i didn’t buy it were that it’s a little beat up, & the mirror is unglued.  they still had it.  i almost bought it.  almost.  i couldn’t deal with the disintegrating leather.
  • blue & black striped jumpsuit, satin, circa 1985.  so rad!  i decided against it though.  really, how many times can you be seen in something like that?
  • black 1960s audrey hepburn-esque sleeveless cocktail dress.  super cute & doesn’t exacerbate my extra cushioning too much.  i actually bought this one.
  • tab hunter on vinyl.  i think this one speaks for itself.
  • super rad vintage ruched clutch, black leather, 1980s.  it’s tiny & awesome & looks like something lorna doom would carry.  i love it & am wringing my hands bloody in anticipation for wearing it out.
  • ready?  okay.  i found the raddest 1960s fetish stilettos.  i tried just one on in the store, & had to have them!  black patent deliciousness.  obscenely tall…they put all my other heels to shame.  i measured.  6″(!).  sixxx inchesss.    that means that when i put them on, it makes me nearly 6’0” tall…except i can’t stand in them.  they are literally so fucking tall that i can’t straighten my knees.  if they had some sort of platform on them, they would totally be more wearable, but they don’t.  so, they either become sitting-shoes or sex-shoes.  i’m cool with either.

here are the shoes…i know you’re dying to see them!  i swear on chanel, they don’t look half as tall in the photograph as they are in person.  trust me.  i know tall shoes & can walk in them better than flats.

jealous yet?  you should be.  sam & i then went out for yet more ketel martinis & beer & wreaked havoc at the porn store.  i needed something to go with my shoes, of course.

Leave a comment

Filed under fashion, potpourri

sprousing it up

posted by: audra

this morning i read in the news about a new book that’s paying homage to the late artist/designer stephen sprouse.  i’ve never been wild about his stuff; all that graffiti & fluorescent color burns my eyes.  it’s just fucking ugg.  in 2001 i lost all respect for him when he collaborated with marc jacobs to design the neon-graffitied louis vuitton logo material.  he died in 2004, but even from the big runway in the sky, he still manages to spray paint monogrammed vuitton handbags, making them even grosser. people still buy this shit.   and thanks to my beloved marc jacobs, we can all relive the atrocious fashion that sprouse was famous for.   here’s a little preview of the stephen sprouse for louis vuitton spring 2009 line:

so gross. the only thing that could possibly make these horrendous shoes any worse, would be to hang a charm from them.  and i hate the american apparel-esque models above, too.  sigh…just when i think i can’t love marc jacobs any more, he goes & sticks his hand in the graffiti paint pot.  again.   it’s so upsetting.

Leave a comment

Filed under fashion

audra: is mj really the new ysl?

as i was tooling about in the new issue of the bible the other day, i skimmed one of my favorite columns, life with andré by andré leon talley. i had to stop &  lick the page for a moment when a skirt-clad marc jacobs with victoria beckham caught my eye.  then i noticed the heading, man of the moment.  so i read…

“in my life in the fashion trenches, there have been only two collections that were seismic moments destined to become part of the legacy of modern fashion history.”

…one being yves saint laurent’s broadway suit collection clear back in 1978, and the other being marc jacobs’s most recent collection at new york fashion week.  a pretty bold statement, don’t you think?  especially coming from talley.  he then goes on to say that what with mj’s models walking the runway to gershwin’s rhapsody in blue, jacobs “became the new yves saint laurent.”

the new ysl…?  marc jacobs truly is my favorite designer, and has been since, like, forever.  when i bought my first pair of mj heels in 2003, i thought my head would explode.  really.  i would sit with my new red heels on for hours in the house, just watching tv or whatever, afraid that if i wore them outside they’d get scuffed, or i’d fall down.  i wasn’t that great at walking in heels back then…oh, so young.  when i think of his designs, i think of lots of different textures, bright colors with most often a slightly off-kilter cut.  he’s just so bloody cool.  i hear that he chain-smokes like you woudn’t believe, too…even to & from the gym.

when i think of ysl, i think flowing evening gowns worn by catherine deneuve – like the black lacy thing she wore in belle du jour – though i don’t really think he meant design-wise, but style-wise rather, if that makes sense.  hmm.  well, still, it’s hardly something you could compare marc jacobs to, right?  sure marc does gowns & suits & such, but really?  however, when i took a little looky-loo at marc’s new spring 2009 ready-to-wear collection further, i started to agree with talley; especially his suits paired with darling little hats…quite the loving nod to monsieur laurent.

yves saint laurent

marc jacobs spring 2009 ready to wear

the first model is wearing yves saint laurent; i’m not certain the year, but just guessing, i would say it’s circa 1988.  the second model is wearing marc jacobs spring 2009.  granted i picked the most conservative of mj’s suits, but you get the point.   i guess it just sort of shocked me to hear such high praises given to marc, to be called the new ysl…and what with yves only being in fashion heaven since june.  i’ll definitely be pulling out my never-been-worn, silver marc jacobs boots (with star shaped cut-outs(!), circa 2005-ish) very, very soon.  while chain-smoking, of course.

for the rest of his spring collection, click here.

1 Comment

Filed under fashion