Tag Archives: knickers

sensory deprivation = over!

posted by:  audra

okay.  look, kids–i know this hasn’t been easy…for any of us.  i miss the weekly recounts of my life just as much as you do!  believe it!  and i have gotten scolded…many a time…for having this much fucking time on my hands & not blogging.  but! it’s all i can do to not sit in front of a screen all day, talking about myself.  it’s been a struggle not to do so, but here you go.  it’s all going to be purged…even old posts from weeks & weeks ago that were never posted!  exciting, right?!  and so, we begin….

august 20-something, 2009:

an elitist’s guide to sea-rattle:  dive bars, lamb & a bus stop

okay.  so.  i know, right?  you’ve been sitting around, waiting for the night to come, or whatever.  at least i have.  you want to know ALL about what the biscuits & i have been up to?  of course you do!  i should have probably made a little note saying ‘sigh…we will be on temporary blog sabbatical for a bit…’ so that y’all didn’t throw a hissy.  but i didn’t.  and now that hissy has come & you’re sick of checking for new posts.  i know my friends well, so i know it’s happened…

disclaimer:  this is neither charming nor witty….like you’re used to.  continue if you wish…

so kids…sam & i had THE most lovely vacay in seattle EVER.  seriously.  like, better than new orleans, london, paris & the coast of italy combined.  for realsies.  believe it.  in seattle, of all places!  we met THE most incredible people EVER.  ever.  and then we came home & then i come into work the next day to find out that i have been fired.  i’ve realized since that day that i’m much too pretty to work there, so it’s for the better.  and anyway, who wants to hear about that?!  not you.  so….

the first night we were in seattle, we stumbled upon this bar i’d found on yelp called the nitelite.  please, please go here iffn’ you’re in the mood for a cranky bar-maid, divey slabtown-esque setting& craving something called taco fries.  de-fucking-licious.  it’s this ridiculously gross looking pile of fries with taco meat, jalapeños, sour cream, tomatoes & cheese.  jesus christ.  i literally was so sick & feeling awful that i was running a fever when we arrived last-last-last thursday night, & these babies totally cured me.  that, and some beer.  these fucking d & d idiots sat next to US (of course), so we had the honor of listening to the different methods & such of dungeons & dragons.  they’re quite lucky i wasn’t feeling well, was getting drunk & had the taco fries on my side.  in fact, the bartender repeatedly asked them if they were ‘actually going to order’ and if not, then to ‘get out of her establishment’.  awesome.  even she knew they were idiots.

the next day was the pinnacle of our trip.  we have the most uh-mazing friends ever, and are SO lucky to have them… friday was the 2-year anniversary of our dear, dear friend seth’s death.  our lovely friends k & a hosted an amazing soiree with all of seth’s close friends, and i tell you what, it was such an honor to be at a gatheringsurrounded  by his nearest & dearest, and to be included in something like that.   there were some incredible experiences surrounding all of that, including getting a town car escort sorta by accident.  anyway, we love you guys to death & miss you terribly already! 

saturday after le party, we slept until 2 or 3-ish.  sam & i–in typical cuntington fashion—got coffee & ended up hoofing it to the funhouse, a rad little venue/bar where some of our very close pdxoxo bands play often.  perhaps you should know that at this point, i am NOT showered, NOT made-up, NOT wearing clean clothes, nor are my teeth or hair brushed.  believe it.  i’m wearing 2 dirty black tank tops, dirty jeans, a leopard headscarf, huge sunglasses & converse.  i know, right?!  see, if you think i never go out in public undone, you’re right.  but maybe in a foreign city i might.  this, or course, is when we run into mutual friends of friends.  and also drink breakfast bloodies…

…because this lovely little venue, and lovely it is…does not serve food.  real food, anyway.  the waitress stated that they ‘have a microwave’ and ‘unless you want a hungryman frozen dinner, you’re better off next door.’   so we drank our breaky drinks & walked to the best bar ever, the 5 point café.  just hearing someone else say ‘hungryman’ is embarrassing enough. 

kids, you don’t know what you’re missing until you’vebeen to the 5 point.  incredible people, super-laid-back, delicious diner food, and a fucking rad juke box.  we had gone to this place on friday afternoon prior to the seth-party & lurrrrved  it.  it felt like home; i never wanted to leave.   it’s not touristy in the least, so you’ll meet the bestest locals EVER.  the sexy bartenders are nice if you’re nice to them.  the bathrooms are clean, but one drunky away from being gross, which is what i like.  the clubhouse is perfectly mayonaissed & baconed.  the omelets are fluffy & cheesy.  you’ll likely hear the cult, mother love bone & mudhoney.  if the regulars like you, they may give you half of their peanut butter cup—straight from the freezer.  and then hug you on your way out the door.  and if you’re lucky, their number & email address.   this place has been around since 1929, or whatever, for obvious reasons.   heart, heart!  i fucking love the 5 point.  thank you, babies!

le saturday afternoon after our booze breakfast, sam & i went back to the hotel max where we were residing, to you know, shower & such.  maybe sober up a spot, too.  we then made our way to a cab to explore capitol hill.  love, love, love, you guys!  it’s sooo quiet & rad up there, i nearly passed out.  after spending waaay too much time & money in sonic boom records, i asked this super-hip & attractive gentleman passing by which bar he would recommend.  he rattled off several places, so we sort of walked around peering in doors to investigate.  nothing really spoke to us until we came upon smith, the last place he’d mentioned.  i could live in smith.  really.  it’s dark, minimalistic, but cozy.  taxidermied heads of various animals & birds mounted tastefully(!) on the walls next to abstract portraits of important americana figures past.  the bathrooms are super dark, with the stalls made out of very old doors.  the sink is mounted in an old sideboard.  delicious.  the servers are really fucking hot, really fucking nice, and the jukebox contains sleater-kinney, heliosequence & the jam.  we ordered some marrow bones with bruschetta ($9) to start.  sam had a burger for around $12 (& mentioned it was possibly better than the slow burger?!), and i had a steak & potatoes with duck fat for 14 bucks.  ridiculously underpriced, fantastic atmosphere, rad servers……sigh!   i’m kicking myself that we didn’t take hardly ANY pictures the entire trip…especially of the food—and the hot people we met.  anyway, at smith we drank several really amazing local beers…which embarrassingly enough, i have no idea what they were…but then went on a quest to find another bar we’d been dying to visit:  the redwood. 

it took asking 3 different people on the street (after walking around drunk & aimlessly by ourselves) to find it.  but when we did, it was like a glowing oracle.  i’d been DYING to come here, you guys.  i read about this thing, this ‘seattle dog’, which is a hot dog smothered with cream cheese.  i nearly had a coronary.  the redwood is supposed to haveit….but upon sitting at the bar, it was nowhere in sight.  we sat awhile & noticed a cute little couple sit next to us.  but i was ready to leave.  the bartender wasn’t very good, my creamy hot dog wasn’t present & i was tired.  my breakfast bloodies were really starting to kick in.  the music was terrible too.  i think we were there long enough to hear the allman brothers greatest hits record twice.  gross.  i’m pretty sure we put some money in the juke at this point…the only song i remember playing was ‘transmission’…

and thanks to ian curtis, it lead us to make instant bffs with the cute couple sitting at the bar next to us.  we began bantering back & forth about music, & ended up doing a bit of bar-hopping with them for the rest of the evening.  i felt a bit out of sorts, what with my frump-wear:  black top, cuffed skinny jeans & converse…but somehow my sparkling personality was still able to shine through.  thanks baby jesus!  the four of us went to the buck  for a few drinks; cute place, crowded, small, nice servers…and three words:  wasabi grilled cheese.  whilst i didn’t have the time to make gastronomic love to my grilled cheese, it was still enough to make me wanna go back.   and so, after we passed the buck, we managed to find this fabulous little bar called the bus stop. 

the bus stop = hot staff, amazing dj (book of love + old new order!), small, intimate classy bar posing as a dive.  it’s the bartender’s bar.  the owner is beautiful, super-nice & he’ll be disgustingly attentive–even if he’s busy.  believe it.  you’ll love it, babies!  promise!  and be sure to stop in the cute little vintage store next door…there just might be a glamorous tranny begging you to come in & take a look at a few oddities.  just sayin…

sunday i believe we slept in…again…and perhaps went for a little walk around.  i think it was hot?   i don’t really remember.  but i do remember meeting our lovely, lovely friend bianca for sushi at the red fin at the hotel max.  yours truly ordered something called the yummy roll; skrimp tempura with cream cheese (!) wrapped up with some sort of fluorescent orange roe on top…salmon roe maybe?  yummy indeed.  b had the las vegas roll, and sam something neither of us remember… but i believe it too had cream cheese & definitely eel.   lovely…but not the greatest place ever.  the alcoholic in me ordered a tasteful lychee martini, but of course followed that up with a vodka tonic after the sushi.  delicious.  we then talked bianca into going back to the bus stop with us; it happened to be karaoke night.   god bless that bar.  i swear on chanel i would have done something, but those fucks were gooood  in there.  intimidatingly good.  had it been a bar with dirty old men & ladies lubed up with jean nate, i totally would have pulled off my best sophie b. hawkins, but for god’s sake….

monday = DEPECHE MODE DAY.  yes, kids– the whole day.  except for the break we took for dinner at ten mercer with our friends g-mae, adrian & new friend tucker.  i highly recommend the rack of lammy.  the place was cool, but our server was kinda cunty…like rushing us a bit too much.  it’s busy.  so?   anyway, sam had the crab ravioli, which was lovely….there’s also a succulent duck breast on the menu.  i love breasts AND ducks.  damn. 

while the lamb was lovely, it caused us to miss the ENTIRE peter, bjorn & john set.  believe it!  wellsies….not the lamb alone, but maybe primping & preening…and sleeping in too late.  and what’s with key arena not allowing booze INTO the shows?!  you have to chug your drinks real quick-like & haul ass back to your seat?   whatevs.  not a fan.   but our seats on the floor were uh-maze-ing & dépêche totally would have ripped my knickers to shreds, had i been wearing them.   one of the best.  shows.  ever.  ever!  including bowie!  and peej!  and i know we say that all the time, but totally really mean it this time!  here’s a little treat from what you missed:

thank god i was there for you, right?!  yes, yes…the audio & such is bad, but i didn’t post it.  i just relay the festivities. 

fuck, this is getting long…sorry loves.  see?   this is what i get for being afraid of falling into the internets-coma & avoiding the computer at all times while i’m newly unemployed.  i just do my nails & chain-smoke instead.  seems healthier somehow.  but anyway….

so, before heading back to the room directly after the show, we dragged our friends back to the five point café once again.  man, i can’t say enough how much i love that place.  this was the third trip to the five point & first time i saw it with standing room-only….  which normally i would throw a hissy fit & leave…but with this place, was happy.  people SHOULD be coming here.  it SHOULD be packed on a monday night at 11.  …or not.  if i lived in seattle, i’d probably be real cunty towards the assholes that were taking up space in OUR bar.  but, whatever.  i got my omelet & some beer; sam got some fried mac & cheese wedges.  we closed the night with the amazing crystal, and then a night-capping serenade with this homeless, but surprisingly well dressed man named pops.  he said to look him up on youtube…and fucking hell, he was  good…but sadly, i didn’t find him.  sigh!

the end was sad.  real sad, for realsies!  but fortunately, we were lucky enough to have one night with our lovely, cute couple we had met at the redwood, in pdxoxo the next week.  we love & miss you kittens!  the photobooth at east end will never be the same…

….and we are fucking LAME we have like, zero photos of our own.  we seriously packed our camera everywhere, too.  i suppose i should just believe that we were having too much fun to take pictures.  and i think that we were. 

loves.

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pregnant women are smug

posted by: audra

this is just too awesome to not share!  enjoy.  you’re welcome.

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another hair removal product i may need…

posted by:  audra

is it gross that i kinda want this real bad?!  a little pad you rub on your body until unwanted hair just disappears?  it exfoliates too!  rad!  smooth away promises easy, safe & painless hair removal, which is far more than i can say for veet.  don’t get me wrong, veet & i are bosom buddies.  it’s just that sometimes she turns on me.  even when i haven’t left her on too long, she starts burning me.  and that typically happens right betwixt the thighs, leaving it to be rubbed even more raw later.  god help me if i actually wore knickers.  what a disaster.

apparently smooth away can be used every day…but maybe it’s easier & quicker to just shave every day?  and i’m a little hesitant to get some…you know, what with the whole buffing-off-hair thing.  whenever i file down my calloused hooves, i inevitably draw blood.  i just get so excited for being smooth that i’m a little too enthusiastic.  so, knowing my filing habits, i can just see scabby arms, legs & naughty bits in my future…

…and perhaps i should add that i’m not excessively hairy or anything…i just like to keep it neat; say yes for smooth!  look how awesome it is(!):

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look at this boy.

posted by:  audra

just look at him.  that’s lou pucci.  he goes by lou taylor pucci now.  i guess it’s more grown-up sounding?  he’s totally not my type…he’s all frail looking & such.  still, i’ve had a terrible crush on him for a several years — ever since the chumscrubber & thumbsucker — & i totally don’t ever have celebrity crushes really!  well, for the most part.  especially actors.  with the exception of michael pitt, of course.  anyway, i keep waiting for this one to wear off, but he just keeps getting more & more delicious!

heavens to betsey! i almost forgot:  lou is in this film called the go-getter.  i haven’t seen it yet, but will very, very soon!  jena malone is in it too, of which i happen to think is oddly delicious as well.  oh god, i can’t wait to see them rolling around, making out & such!  here’s the trailer:

i don’t really know what it is about him…is he really that good-looking?  i mean, really?  lou is just so pretty!  i think.  don’t you?  hmm…well, he is five years younger than me…  maybe that’s what it is.  i do like them young.  i don’t know.  i just want to look at him.  and look at him i will.

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desert island + the l words

posted by:  audra

so, the whole facebook phenomenon…?  i don’t really get it…i’d take myspace over facebook any day.  but i find myself on facebook more recently, for whatever reason — maybe because everyone else seems to be?  anyway.  one of the more intriguing things to me lately is seeing what my facebook friends pick for their desert island collection:

“music that had such a profound effect on you that it changed your life.  dug into your soul.  music that brought you to life when you heard it…”

all that stuff.  and you only get to pick 15.  fifteen?  really…?  i elected to make it 20.

i judge people based on the music they listen to, just as they should judge me as well.  this was a tough one for me, but this is what i picked.  my criteria was this:

  • listenability.  something i can listen to all the way through, have listened to for years and/or months & never get sick of.  duh, if i’m really stuck on a desert island, i’m not going to bring a bikini kill record, for christ’s sake!
  • lyrics.  i’m a huge lyric snob.  a piece of music could be completely amazing by way of composure & delivery, but if the lyrics are dumb, i can’t handle it [see glasvegas].
  • longevity.  i like material that sounds timeless, though not necessarily everything on my list sound timeless; i just prefer it that way.  i like stuff that upon first listen, you can’t tell whether it was just released or was released 20 years ago.  in a good way.
  • love.  i love these records, will sit on their faces, flip them around & eat them.

this was hard, you guys!  but, in no particular order, judge away…

exile  in guyville – liz phair. god, i fucking love this! so much.  i may go as far to say it could be my favorite record of all time?!  could it be…?  i bought exile in 1993 when i was 12:   sassy magazine.  lip gloss.  mascara.  my first period.  the first time i fell in love lust.  i listened to it incessantly & parts of it frightened me.  me & my 12 year old body would lie on my bed & play explain it to me & shatter on repeat for hours while i thought about boys who were completely out of my league.  so dramatic!  i still have the same cd i bought in 1993 & listen to it often.  it’s just that good.  loves:  6’1” , fuck & run, flower, divorce song, shatter, & girls! girls! girls!.

either/or – elliott smith. love, love, love.  it’s a good drinking record.  it’s quiet.  it’s distraught.  it’s passionate.  it’s good to clean the house to it, it’s good in the car, it’s good to makeout to, it’s good background music…it’s just a fucking great record.  loves:  between the bars & angeles.

from the choirgirl hotel – tori amos. i was really wavering for my favorite tori record, between this, boys for pele & little earthquakes.  oh, & scarlet’s walk!  i just love me some tori…older tori, before she got all adult-contemporary(!).  i like this one in particular for its extreme darkness & that it reminds me of being 17 & how fantastically tragic it was.  northern lad got me through the most horrible heartbreak of my life.  loves:  spark, blackdove, northern lad & jackie’s strength.

turn on the bright lights interpol.* i happened to discovered interpol way before they were famous.  i did!  i read the description of them in a tiny little article, saw their picture & was like, omg.  then sam & i bought this record.  what the fuck was wrong with me:  upon first listen, i stated that if a brain aneurysm had a sound, it would sound like this.   really!  i said that!  a few months later, i was in love.  typically though, if i hate a band so much the first time around, they will later become one of my favorite bands.  this doesn’t always happen though, kids.  their lyrics are absolutely amazing.  heartbreakingly sexy.  intelligent.  brilliant imagery.  and i think i maybe would stick obstacle 1 in my top 5 favorite songs ever.  loves:  obstacle 1, pda, say hello to the angels, hands away, & the new.

live through this – hole. oddly enough, this one reminds me of hunting.  not myself hunting, but going up to our cabin on the weekends during hunting season (which i hated) & hanging out with my parents.  i was 13.  mum & dad forbid tv & telephone while we were there.  all i had was music.  so really, that was fine.  i made a mix tape; one side live through this, other side exile in guyville.  i tended to listen to this side more whilst in the woods, for whatever reason.  it’s just bad-ass & it’s still fucking great.  i love me some courtney!  loves:  violet, miss world, plump, softer, softest…really, the whole bit!

to bring you my love – pj harvey. to bring you my love is the epitome of feverish lust.  but also, snarky jesus songs (working for the man!).  i was 14 when this was released…wow, is this a theme?  anyway, the always brilliant peej delivers a perfectly sexy, lusty, delicious & devastatingly desperate look at relationships(?!) with this one.  yum.  loves:  the whole record.  it’s too much rad.

grace – jeff buckley. i heart jeff hard.  real hard.  grace is so very gorgeous.  it’s one of those that sounds timeless.  it’s another clean-the-house cd, but also good dinner music.  or sex music.  whatever.  and i don’t need to tell you this of course, but of all the hallelujah covers out there, his is the best.  it gives me little goosebumps every time, & i don’t even like jesus!  and why the fuck hasn’t james franco starred as jeff in a film about his life yet?  that’s right, you heard it here first!  it was my idea!  sigh…  loves:  mojo pin, grace, last goodbye, so real, halleluja, & lover, you should’ve come over.

walking with thee – clinic. one of my favorite things to do  ever is listening to this in the car on my way to work; super-early in the morning before sunrise, during the winter, in the fog.  preferably freezing fog.  it just is.  i hate being awake at that hour & driving in freezing fog, but this album fits that scenario so perfectly.  it’s cold like that, & i love it…clenched teeth & all!  loves:  harmony, the equaliser, walking with thee, come into our room.

arcade fire – funeral.*  yep.  this is another one that i hated before i loved it.  i think it was just hard for me to listen to because it was so raw & real & somewhat sad…but smart…really smart.  brilliant even.  god, this record is so amazing!  even more amazing live.  loooooves:  all.  everything.  every bit of it. okay, i think my favorite track on here would be neighborhood #2 (laika), if i had to pick.  yes, that would be it!

horses – patti smith. i had a rough time picking  a patti record.  what list would be complete without at least one of hers?!  i wanted to pick easter, & then i thought radio ethiopia, but settled on horses for these reasons:  gloria, free money, land, & an uh-mazing cover of my generation. i love her so hard!  and john cale.  i wanna eat their faces.

aladdin sane – david bowie. man.  this was tough.  my favorite bowie record used to be hunky dory, & i almost picked that.  i decided on aladdin sane though, for these little gems:  watch that man, panic in detroit(!!), cracked actor, time, lady grinning soul…  fuck it, this is hands-down my favorite bowie!

kiss me, kiss me, kiss me – the cure. god!  another torturous decision!  why did i sign up for this project again…?  i realize that i’m a little masochistic, but this is getting ridiculous.  i chose kiss me for the sole reason being that it’s just the one i always seem to listen to the most.  it always sounds good & has a nice balance of moodiness to it.  loves:  catch, the perfect girl, the appropriately titled torture, if only tonight we could sleep, how beautiful you are, all i want, icing sugar.

the stone roses – the stone roses. oh!  goodness gracious, i love this band.  adore them.  honestly, i don’t know what could be better than sitting on the floor with this record on, hugging the speakers & drinking yourself into an emotional mess.  they are terribly underrated, but i think i like it that way.  they’re like a dirty little secret.  i wanna be adored is in my top 5 favorite songs of all time…really!  i say that about a lot of songs, but i mean it this time!  loves:  i wanna be adored, waterfall, made of stone.

meat is murder – the smiths. seriously, how could you not love the smiths?!  i don’t trust anyone who doesn’t listen to them.  oh, really?  you don’t like them?  sorry, we can’t be friends.  loves:  the headmaster ritual, rusholme ruffians, i want the one i can’t have, what she said…oh wait, i’m just going down the track listing.  i just realized there isn’t a single smiths song i don’t like.  nice!

washing machine – sonic youth. everyone needs a little fiber to stay happy & sonic youth can do that for you.  typically with sonic youth, i have to be in the right mood to listen to it, but when i am, it’s extra good!  i was going between dirty & washing machine…but i chose this one for these two loves:  becuz & little trouble girl.

show your bones – yeah yeah yeahs. show your bones is just a perfect record.  i never, ever get sick of it…it seems more mature to me than fever to tell, but not in a boring way at all.   i saw the yyys when they toured behind this album & it nearly killed me.  incredible.  loves:  way out, fancy, honeybear, the sweets, warrior.

lust lust lust – the raveonettes. the first time i popped this little gem in, i just about passed out!  it’s so, so sexy.  i’ve been a huge raveonettes lover for years & this is by far my favorite of theirs.  it sums up lust for someone who’s just a little bit out of  your reach.  sort of if like the jesus & mary chain were dutch & lived in the 1960s…well, they’re just fucking rad.  and hot.  loves:  aly walk with me, hallucinations, lust, black satin, blush.

midnight boom – the kills. best record of the decade?!  possibly!  it always, always, always sounds good to me.  and it doesn’t hurt that alison mosshart & jamie hince are like two of the most ridiculously good looking people ever!  loves:  u.r.a fever, cheap & cheerful, tape song, last day of magic, sour cherry, what new york used to be.

songs of faith & devotion – depeche mode. god.  okay.  so, this is a great record, yeah?  as a whole, i really shouldn’t include it in my topsies, but in your room is so fucking sexy that i have to include it.  knickers torn asunder! sigh…  it it weren’t for that track, i would have chosen violator.

kid a – radiohead. i bet you were waiting for a radiohead something or other, right?!  i chose kid a for it’s consistent listenability, although in rainbows certainly has that down as well.  but, i just really like the way kid a makes me feel.  it reminds me of something weird & uneasy.  i know that sounds kind of fucked up, but i mentioned before that i’m slightly masochistic.  so there.  loves:  everything in its right place, the national anthem, idioteque.

and there you have it!  that was awful.  i left out so many amazing records, & i’m not even going to bother with the honorable mention (the knife, the jesus & mary chain, dandy warhols?!  possibly even fever ray.  oh god.).  it’s too painful…  but perhaps i could do the same with films?  wouldn’t that be fun!

*sadly, i hated these two bands at first listen.  god, i was such a fucking idiot!  they both turned out to be two of my most favorite bands EVER…i’m so glad i made myself listen to them.  sigh!

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