Tag Archives: gross

dear bathroom wrecker:

posted by:  audra

whilst i will stick by the well-known fact that girls don’t do gross things, ever, it has come to my attention that someone is violating this rule in my workplace.  it is not someone i work with directly (i think), but likely someone in a different office downstairs.

after le lunch, i like to leisurely perform my afternoon makeupping rituals & brush my teeth, smooth my hair…whatever sort of maintenance that needs to be done gets done at this time.  i like the downstairs loo, as it gets a lot less traffic & the lighting is much better.  lately – and i use “lately” loosely, as it’s been the past 2 or 3 months – someone has been taking it upon themselves to “unwind” in there on a daily basis…and right before i do my daily grooming in there.

not cool.

who.  does.  that?!  every day?!  not only the act of doing it at work, but leaving evidence behind!  lots of it!  fucking gross!  the tweaked-out skanks i see at dive bars are even able to flush properly!  jesus christ!  i mean, really!   am i going to have to start driving all the way to nordstrom to the ladies lounge area just to put on some fucking makeup at lunch?!  get it together & leave your business at home, lady!  i just want my bathroom back!

sigh.  the even more disturbing part is that i’m pretty sure i’ve pinpointed the person who is ruining my life.   we arrive & depart work at the exact same time every day.  she’s much older than i…maybe in her mid-forties, & super dumpy.  pretty much my worst nightmare.  stringy hair, no makeup.  baggy sweatshirts & mom jeans deluxe.  and she’s got a wicked frump resting on her midsection.

anyway.  i went 2 days in a row this week where i didn’t have to deal with any “evidence”, & that made me very happy.  until today.  it had returned, & i even tried getting back from lunch early!  either flush twice, or stop eating activia or whatever!  but you know, i shouldn’t even have to worry about stupid shit like that!  how sad is it that a clean toilet bowl is enough to make better my afternoon?!  really fucking sad!

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i was eye-raped today

posted by:  audra

so, i’m sitting at my desk this morning.   this guy comes in & haves himself a seat.  obese, little round wire glasses, leather jacket, pervy looking…you know the type.  anyway, so i’m trying to do some work & look busy & he keeps talking to me.  it started as small talk — how long have you worked here — that sort of yammering.  then it goes to a gross place.

“it’s really interesting, your look.  do you do that everyday?  is there a name for that?  the cleopatra look?  i really like it.  is that all your real hair?”

at least he didn’t call me goth.  and yes, he asked if i was wearing a wig.

i have bitched & bitched about this sort of thing to no end.  it’s always the same types of guys:  skeezy, sports-watching assholes who fantasize about auto-erotic asphyxiation but are too scared to do it themselves.  guys who go to hooters & slap the waitresses on the ass with their fat little sausage fingers.  they always lead with “i love your look…”  & then it typically is followed by a “so, you’re goth, right?”

it wasn’t in a patronizing manner, but i’m pretty sure he was visualizing me wielding a leather whip & thigh-high boots.  i’m not being conceited, i swear…i could just see it in him.  shudder.  so gross.

“finalized the divorce last year!  had to pay for both attorneys.”

wow.  great.

“yep, i’m single now!  so are you married with 10 kids?  oh really, no kids?  ah, a husband.  what does your husband do?  that’s interesting you’ve never wanted to have kids, a lot of young people these days are making that decision.  golly, you should charge by the hour!  look at me, just talking to you…you could make a lot of money, you have to pay for that makeup somehow!  what’s your favorite food?  you like thai?  i had the best thai tea the other day.  you know what you need in here?  strawberry smoothies!”

seriously you guys, it doesn’t sound that bad, but it was brutal.  i was totally ignoring him, half-answering his stupid questions semi-cordially, yet abruptly, with my side turned to him…nothing stopped him.  i even coughed really grossly & then offered him some water.  and he said yes!

i’m really offended that this bulbous, old, unattractive tool was hitting on me.  what made him think that i would even consider him?!  i would prefer him to take one look at me & think, now that is totally out of my league, & move on…not, let’s turn up the charm & give it a go!


i need a rape-shower.

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