Tag Archives: fishnets

we love you: installment two

posted by:  audra

i’ve been looking at the search history used to find our blog once again, & think it’s time for another one of these…some are just too awesome not to share!  here are some of my favorites since last march:

  • 1950’s fuck my mom (awesome.)
  • “fever ray” “creepy song”
  • “sitting shoes”
  • im sorry wrist cut suicide
  • bloody wrist
  • deep cut wrist (jesus, you guys!)
  • anorexic bondage
  • tall fuck (really…?)
  • i’m on a boat
  • “flat chested” “training bra”
  • “fishnets over my head”
  • katey segal feet
  • katey sagal beauty
  • peggy bundy
  • bastards of young (the band or the song?  maybe both?  sigh.  the mind quails.)
  • menswear review (good work…as you should be reviewing menswear!)
  • sweet jane blackboots & blackhearts  (and sometimes when you blog about bands, they find your blog and then they blog about you blogging about them!!  fucking rad!)

and my personal favorite…

wait for it…

ready…?

  • lucky guy fucking audra

and of course it’s about me!

anyway, this all tells me that the strangers we’re attracting are suicidal masochists with a penchant for katey sagal.  and i’m perfectly okay with that.

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time sensitive material

posted by:  audra

every fucking night when i’m about to pop some roofies & slip on my satin leopard print, i ask myself, ‘audra, why is it you waste so much time, you wasteful time-waster?  and how come you never, ever get anything accomplished, ever?!’ this has really been bothering me lately.  i never seem to have the “time” to clean the house, get more than one load of laundry done — let alone put said laundry away after it’s clean — and definitely never have time to do any sort of fat-burning activity.

…even though i used to come home & do so every night, as well as tidy up a spot, and manage to get to bed before midnight.

…and let it be noted that no, indeed, i have not resorted to drinking more.

i think it’s my new morning routine that has set me up for failure…?  when i had more of this luxury called time, i would get up promptly at 5 o’clock-ish on a weekday, shower, go about my business & actually make it to work on time without a trace of panic.  now, my alarm goes off at 5:20.  i turn it off & wait for sam to shower first & wait for him to wake me.  he does so sometimes at 5:20, if i’ve already turned the alarm off…then again at 5:30.  lately, it’s been the third (sometimes fourth) attempt at 5:40 (or 5:50) that gets me up…and it’s been a lethargic, dirty-housed downward spiral since.  makes sense, right?

i’m now on a personal mish to make more time for myself, so i can actually keep my household up, perhaps cook something during the week(!), and still have plenty of gooey makeout time with the television, a wine bottle & my chaise.

alright.  so.  get your fancy panties on!  better yet – take them off!  get comfortable.  it’s time for a day in the life of yours truly!  and just so we’re clear, of course, this is weekday stuff only.  but i shouldn’t have to tell you that.  in fact, we’ll just use today as an example for funsies.  indeed, what did i do today?  where does all my time go?  i’m dying to know…you are too…

  • 5:40 am:  currently my typical wake-time, but 20 minutes behind what’s ideal for my morning routine.
  • 5:41 am:  get in shower immediately.  since i’ve saved time by shaving the night before, i can be out in less than 10 minutes.  i’ve also decided to only shampoo my hair once a day, so i’ve shaved a couple of minutes off there, too.  score.  i do however, at least condition my hair in the morning.
  • 5:50 am:  smelling like peppermint, i’m out in 9 minutes.  that’s good, right?  normally i could probably do 5 minutes, but today was a struggle.
  • 5:51 am:  detangle hair, wrap in towel.  moisturize everything…face first, then extremities & special girl bits.
  • 5:55 am:  apply anti-persperant/deodorant.
  • 6:00 am:  jesus!  i’m starting to see where my time is going in the morning…it takes 10 minutes to put on moisturizer?!
  • 6:01 am:  start makeup ritual.  eyebrows always first.  then eye makeup.  base, shadow, liner, more shadow, then glue on lashes.
  • 6:15 am:  while lash glue sets, i blowdry my hair after applying product.
  • 6:20 am:  get coffee & prepare a lovely english muffin for breaky.
  • 6:30 am:  sit outside with coffee & ciggie.
  • 6:37 am:  check email & such.
  • 6:45 am:  heat up flat irons & continue the getting ready process — apply mascara, some foundation.
  • 6:50 am:  turn the dryer on from the night before if clothes need the wrinkles taken out of them.
  • 6:55 am:  straighten my hair.  it really only takes about 10 minutes from start to finish, but for some reason it always takes me longer when i’m in a hurry.  of course.
  • 7:15 am:  complete makeup — finishing powder, lippy, what-have-you.
  • 7:25 am:  attempt to get dressed.  even if i have laid out everything the night before, it never fails; i stuggle finding fishnets or my bra.  every.  time.
  • 7:31 am:  leave the house.
  • 8:10 am:  arrive at workplace.  there was traffic, so i was late.  beautiful.  one would think that 29 minutes is more than adequate time to drive 12 miles.
  • 5:46 pm:  arrive at le cuntington manor.  traffic was a fucking mess & i’ll keep quiet my bitching about bad driver stereotypes.
  • 5:47 pm:  take off my shiny manolos & notice that the heels need repairing already.  of course.
  • 5:47 pm:  bitch about traffic.  bitch about how hot it is.  bitch about the humidity.
  • 5:47 pm:  note how i’m sweating like a fat girl writing her first love letter.
  • 5:48 pm:  open beer.
  • 5:49 pm:  smoke outside with the mr.
  • 6:00 pm:  do a quick inventory & determine that we, in fact, do not need to go to the store like i’d originally planned.  yes!
  • 6:01 pm:  notice that i’m star-ving & perhaps should have a snack?  maybe early dinner?  maybe not, because then i’ll just be starving at 10:00 & drunk & then drunk-snack?
  • 6:05 pm:  elect a snack of salami & a sharp white cheddar.
  • 6:06 pm:  change into a long black chemise i wore several years ago when i was bettie page for halloween.  it’s too hot for yoga pants.
  • 6:16 pm:  check email & update blog.
  • 6:25 pm:  look at the tele (family guy), consider changing channels & then notice my hands are dry.  perhaps i could use a fresh coat of polish, too…?
  • 6:26 pm:  see what sam’s doing.  ‘is that freddie mercury?’ i ask.  ‘it’s about queen.’ he replies.  ‘even better’ (sarcastically).  i exit the room.
  • 6:31 pm:  reenter kitchen.  put away cheese & salami.  consider doing a load of laundry, but determine it’s too stuffy to do so.
  • 6:32 pm:  consider picking out an outfit for tomorrow, but determine i’m too sick of what’s in my closet to do so.
  • 6:33 pm:  pick at imaginary things on my back & think about what interesting things i could possibly do tonight to make this blog more exciting.
  • 6:35 pm:  save draft, fix a v & t with exxxtra lime, and retreat to the veranda to have a fag.  and a cigarette, too.
  • 6:59 pm:  decide to wear my standard uniform tomorrow; a black skirt, black top & whatever heels aren’t tore up from the floor up.
  • 7:01 pm:  start washing machine…with, my specialty:  5 items or less…which is ridiculous & obviously the reason as to why i’m forever doing laundry.
  • 7:03 pm:  settle into my chaise with the queen documentary on the bio channel & my july issue of nylon.
  • 7:05 pm:  i didn’t last long…in fact, i never “settled in” at all.  the documentary was boring & sam was reading a book.
  • 7:06 pm:  working on this retarded time-wasting blog…
  • 8:07 pm:  i’m done.  clearly, my dawdling/blogging/procrastinating are the culprits.  and possibly getting up late & spending too much time getting ready.

time elapsed: approximately 15 hours, give or take.  you’re welcome.

you see what i do for you guys?!  sigh…  and now i’m missing the david bowie bio.  thanks a lot, assholes.

good night, babies.  i do love you.

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i lv madonna

posted by:  audra

whilst standing in line at the whole foods the other day, i was perusing the magazine display like i normally would.  then in a moment of sheer panic, i spotted the february issue of vogue; i’d let my subscription expire.  shame.  it’s likely the first issue i’ve missed since i was 17.

of course i bought a copy, & i’m so happy i did…  inside the cover are these gorgeous, dare i say immaculate photographs of madonna she did for the new louis vuitton ads.  they’re set in what looks to me like a smoky little french bar with checkered floors & cafe chairs.  and she’s wearing fishnet tights.  what is not to love?

i had to hunt down some photographs to post for you, & in doing so i came across this article from the daily mail.  normally i love this british gossip rag, but it made me so pissed that i may have lost all my love & devotion for them.  you can read the whole mess in it’s entirety for yourself, but just some snippets from it say that she should ‘put it away’ and that she ‘strikes raunchiest pose ever’.  and that’s just the headline.

what the fuck?!  these are tasteful, sexy & very covered up, in my opinion.  they went on to say that they ‘seemed more lad’s mag than high fashion’.  jesus.  really?  they even said the older she gets ‘the more skin she insists on revealing’. hmm, well there’s hardly any skin revealed in these shots, so whatever.  i love them.  i love her.  fuck the daily mail.

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audra: alexander mcqueen spring 2009 ready-to-wear

i just took a little peek at my beloved alexander mcqueen’s collection for spring 2009.  after the ridiculously rad fall 2008 line, my expectations were quite high…what with ludicrously amazing stuff like this:

i’m a little disappointed with the spring line…some of it seems to be grazing the fine line between safari chic & animal print orgy from talbots:

and what the hell is up with this?

i really liked this corseted frock though:

but look closer, and note the gross shoes above.  seriously you guys, these are so gross.  sadly i wasn’t able to find a more detailed photograph, but you can tell that they’re flesh colored, foot molded heels, possibly in some sort of synthetic material…or maybe patent leather, but i doubt it.  i hate other people’s feet, and these exacerbate every sick detail of the human foot that i just can’t stand.  but anyway, i really hate this too:

it looks like alex found a scrap of an old stained-glass themed tapestry, cut some arm holes here, a triangle in the crotch there, and called it good.

typically designers will have a collection that sticks with one theme, but this is all over the place.  it makes my head hurt.  a lot of the dresses were really pretty though, like this one:

i love the detail on the model’s face, too:

so pretty!  do you think that would work for me if i pulled some fishnets over my head?

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