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everything you ever wanted to know

posted by:  audra

this was totally not my idea.  i was poking around on one of my favorite girl’s blog & happened upon this gentleman’s blog.  on the latest post, he was talking about the facebook quiz where you write up questions about yourself & then your friends look like assholes because they don’t know a single thing about you.  now, i love talking about myself & creating audra trivia, so of course i jumped on this…

…and my friends did horribly. 

granted, the questions were a little tricky…but i’m certainly not going to ask, what’s my favorite color? for fuck’s sake!  jesus christ!  get it together, you guys!  anyway, this guy’s blog, he posted his fb questions with the answers as well as the story behind them…because his friends did so horribly as well.  brilliant!

who wants to know more about me!?  you!  you do!  okay.  get comfortable, take your pants off, get some lube handy…whatever makes you content.  maybe if you’re really hurting for something to do, you can do the quiz as you read?!  but of course, don’t skip ahead to the answers if you plan on doing that.  anyway.  let’s go!

1.  if i had to pick just one record to listen to for the rest of my life…

a)  funeral – arcade fire

b)  to bring you my love – pj harvey

c)  horses – patti smith

d)  xo – elliott smith

e)  deep cuts – the knife

answer:  b.  to bring you my love. don’t fret; this was even difficult for me to decide on.  everyone who took my quiz assumed it would be horses. every single person.  and while i adore the patster to pieces, to bring you my love, as a whole, is a much more perfect record.  it has everything; stripped down folksy guitar, juicy bass, distortion, shrill screaming, whistle blowing, quiet lusty bits…sigh!

2.  underpinning of choice…

a)  thong panties

b)  crotchless panties

c)  garter belt

d)  full-back cotton briefs

e) none.

answer:  e.  obvs!  thank god no one had me pegged for a cotton-brief gal.  gross!  i have always enjoyed fancy panties…even when i was a little girl, i would not tolerate the gross cottony ones, with the fiercely uncomfortable waistband.   they had to be satiny, lacy, what have you.  and whilst i have a stockpile of the snatchless variety, those are novelties.  same with the garter belts.  several years ago, i started leaving them at home when we’d go out to shows & such.  sort of like a dirty little secret.  so exciting.  then i realized that going without is just so much better!  and easier!  all the time!  you wouldn’t believe how fast i am in the loo when we’re out at bars.  people are amazed.  really!  it saves a step!

3.  when i get home, i put on…

a)  cropped yoga pants & a fleece

b)  fitted black tee & jeans

c)  juicy couture tracksuit

d)  vintage chemise

e)  a ratty ‘can’t be seen in public’ dress

answer:  a.  surprised?  maybe a little?  the vintage chemise was a popular choice amongst my friends…which does happen occasionally.  mostly that’s only for sleepwear though.  a little black top & jeans only happens occasionally too, as with the ratty dress…but almost daily, i will come home & pull on one of two pairs of stretchy black yoga pants & my half-zip fleece.  unlikely, i know.  it’s comfortable…and typically i’m not an advocate for comfort, but i know that in the evenings i can sit in my chaise with my knees up  & not rip the seams out of something like a delicate chemise.

4.  once, whilst entertaining dinner guests at home, i…

a)  burnt a raspberry tart

b)  accidentally served raw chicken

c)  singed my lashes while caramelizing creme brulee

d)  cut the tip of my finger off

e)  slipped, then dropped & shattered a bottle of wine

answer:  d.  oh, the horror…the horror!  here i was, preparing citrus cream pasta with some sauteed mushrooms on the side.  the mushrooms are amazing.  you first caramelize them in olive oil, then add some thyme & garlic, and deglaze the pan with white wine.  so easy, & somewhat impressive.   anyway, sam & i had two friends over for dinner, and i like to do the prep work in the kitchen while they converse at the adjacent dining table  (i should also mention i like very low-lighting so everyone looks nice.  even in the kitchen–at least when guests are over). sooo, i’m furiously fine-chopping the thyme at the counter when i felt a little nick on my left index finger.  it wasn’t painful…i had just gotten a brand new super-sharp santoku knife, & apparently it’s so sharp you can’t even feel it slicing through your fingertip.  i didn’t think much of it & resumed chopping.  then i realized i was bleeding everywhere & quickly excused myself to the loo for investigation before anyone could notice i’d made a drunken oopsie.  i was missing a good portion of fingertip, including part of the nail.  totally panicked, i whispered for sam to come help me stop the bleeding…and we’re out of bandaids.  all we have is bactine & paper towels.  awesome.  sam decides to call in our female friend from the dining room, who was a plastic surgeon’s assistant at that time.  we’ll call her dr. s.  she asked where our first aid kit was.  first aid kit…?  really?  we did the best we could, what with the all the blood drunky was letting flow…then sam & dr. s went to the store for gauze, medical tape & such.  dr. s said that she would’ve taken me to urgent care for stitches…if there was anything to stitch back together.  so, here i am alone, making awkward conversation & nervous laughter with dr. s’s husband.  they finally return — with medical supplies, flowers & the new vanity fair.  with tom ford on the cover.  bless them.  once cleaned up & properly bandaged, i returned to the kitchen to clean up a bit & noticed a hunk of my flesh still clinging to the blade.  of course, i quickly (and discretely) snatched up this new prized possession, & wrapped it in saran wrap for later viewing.  we ended up dining on the dessert that i’d prepared earlier in the day & the night ended not-surprisingly early.  that shit bled for a fucking week.   the moral:  even if it makes everyone look like hideous beasts, use the overhead lighting in your kitchen whist in possession of sharp, pointy things.  and try not to get drunk before doing so, too.

5.  typically, my favorite films are in this genre…

a)  indie

b)  b-movie

c)  spaghetti western

d)  foreign

e)  horror

answer:  e.  horror.  obviously.  i’ll spare you the explanation since that last one ran on a bit long.  whoopsies.

6.  of these pet peeves, i hate this the most…

a)  gross eaters

b)  singing along at concerts

c)  throat clearing

d)  sneezing

e)  girls who end every sentence with a question mark?

answer:  a.  gross eaters are my worst pet peeve ever.  so. fucking. sick.  i really can’t handle it…a stray crumb on the lip, pepper in the teeth, the chewing sounds, swallowing sounds…crunching?!  that’s the worst!  and plate scraping….shudder.  and i’ve also decided that more than i hate singing along at concerts, i hatehatehate the whoos, ows & yips emitted from the fucking retards at shows.  god, i hate it so much.  the other night at pj harvey, there were so many of those.  especially in the quiet parts of songs.  one more “yeeeeah polly!  thanks for coming!!  owwww!” and i would have fucking lost it!  you go to see an artist, you go & keep your god damn mouth shut!  even if you have to eat something to keep you quiet.  just don’t eat it around me.

7.  when i’m old, i want to be like…

a)  lauren bacall

b)  betsey johnson

c)  ellen burstyn

d)  vivienne westwood

e)  anjelica huston

answer:  e.  this was a tough one apparently.  i thought it’d be easy for you?  come on you guys, the black hair?  bangs?  forever wearing black articles of clothing?  red lippy?  please.  i’ve been obsessed with anjelica huston for as long as i can remember.  she’s just so…delicious.

8.  my fetish fantasy is…

a)  bondage

b)  trip to a hot gynecologist

c)  gas station attendant

d)  sex with my brother…if i had one

e)  all of the above

answer:  e.  indeed.  and don’t hate, for god’s sake…sam gives me enough shit about the gas station thing.  i’m not sure what it is exactly…the little uniform shirt smudged with motor oil?  the act of putting the phallic pump that oozes into my empty gas tank?  maybe the gas fumes cloud my judgment & these guys are all total losery trolls?   that can’t be it.  and the incest thing is probably because i’m an only child & i had a fairly normal childhood.  it’s exotic.  like the dreamers. and house of yes.  delicious.

9.  my favorite guilty-pleasure movie is…

a)  13 going on 30

b)  just like heaven

c)  the sisterhood of the traveling pants

d)  what a girl wants

e)  freaky friday

answer:  a.   most of you should know this by now…come on, you guys.  13 going on the 30 sounds retarded, but it really is quite good.  and for the record, i have never seen what a girl wants.  at least in its entirety.  and just like heaven was like, the worst.  movie.  ever.  not to mention complete with a dreadful cover the cure’s song of the same name.  just awful.

10.  i always, ALWAYS shower this many times a day…

a)  once

b)  twice

c)  three times

d)  four time

e)  i don’t shower

answer:  b.  twice.  always.  every day.  even if i don’t take my first shower until 4 in the afternoon, i must shower again before even breathing on the sheets.  obviously i shower before getting ready each day; i’ve never understood people that can just pull on some clothes & go.  it sickens me.  and then when i go to bed at night, i can’t even fathom putting on my satin unmenionables without being freshly shaven & moisturized.  i just can’t.  it’s too icky.

11.  film i have seen over 20 times & never get sick of…

a)  reality bites

b)  pretty in pink

c)  poltergeist

d)  the shining

e)  beautiful girls

answer:  b.  oh, pretty in pink!  it’s very likely that i’ve seen all of these over twenty times, but i’ve probably shut them off halfway through after the 9th or 10th time.  i can always watch pink all the way through & it always sounds good.  but so does the shining…it’s just so long.

and there you have it!  don’t you feel way less stupid now?!

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Filed under potpourri

desert island + the l words

posted by:  audra

so, the whole facebook phenomenon…?  i don’t really get it…i’d take myspace over facebook any day.  but i find myself on facebook more recently, for whatever reason — maybe because everyone else seems to be?  anyway.  one of the more intriguing things to me lately is seeing what my facebook friends pick for their desert island collection:

“music that had such a profound effect on you that it changed your life.  dug into your soul.  music that brought you to life when you heard it…”

all that stuff.  and you only get to pick 15.  fifteen?  really…?  i elected to make it 20.

i judge people based on the music they listen to, just as they should judge me as well.  this was a tough one for me, but this is what i picked.  my criteria was this:

  • listenability.  something i can listen to all the way through, have listened to for years and/or months & never get sick of.  duh, if i’m really stuck on a desert island, i’m not going to bring a bikini kill record, for christ’s sake!
  • lyrics.  i’m a huge lyric snob.  a piece of music could be completely amazing by way of composure & delivery, but if the lyrics are dumb, i can’t handle it [see glasvegas].
  • longevity.  i like material that sounds timeless, though not necessarily everything on my list sound timeless; i just prefer it that way.  i like stuff that upon first listen, you can’t tell whether it was just released or was released 20 years ago.  in a good way.
  • love.  i love these records, will sit on their faces, flip them around & eat them.

this was hard, you guys!  but, in no particular order, judge away…

exile  in guyville – liz phair. god, i fucking love this! so much.  i may go as far to say it could be my favorite record of all time?!  could it be…?  i bought exile in 1993 when i was 12:   sassy magazine.  lip gloss.  mascara.  my first period.  the first time i fell in love lust.  i listened to it incessantly & parts of it frightened me.  me & my 12 year old body would lie on my bed & play explain it to me & shatter on repeat for hours while i thought about boys who were completely out of my league.  so dramatic!  i still have the same cd i bought in 1993 & listen to it often.  it’s just that good.  loves:  6’1” , fuck & run, flower, divorce song, shatter, & girls! girls! girls!.

either/or – elliott smith. love, love, love.  it’s a good drinking record.  it’s quiet.  it’s distraught.  it’s passionate.  it’s good to clean the house to it, it’s good in the car, it’s good to makeout to, it’s good background music…it’s just a fucking great record.  loves:  between the bars & angeles.

from the choirgirl hotel – tori amos. i was really wavering for my favorite tori record, between this, boys for pele & little earthquakes.  oh, & scarlet’s walk!  i just love me some tori…older tori, before she got all adult-contemporary(!).  i like this one in particular for its extreme darkness & that it reminds me of being 17 & how fantastically tragic it was.  northern lad got me through the most horrible heartbreak of my life.  loves:  spark, blackdove, northern lad & jackie’s strength.

turn on the bright lights interpol.* i happened to discovered interpol way before they were famous.  i did!  i read the description of them in a tiny little article, saw their picture & was like, omg.  then sam & i bought this record.  what the fuck was wrong with me:  upon first listen, i stated that if a brain aneurysm had a sound, it would sound like this.   really!  i said that!  a few months later, i was in love.  typically though, if i hate a band so much the first time around, they will later become one of my favorite bands.  this doesn’t always happen though, kids.  their lyrics are absolutely amazing.  heartbreakingly sexy.  intelligent.  brilliant imagery.  and i think i maybe would stick obstacle 1 in my top 5 favorite songs ever.  loves:  obstacle 1, pda, say hello to the angels, hands away, & the new.

live through this – hole. oddly enough, this one reminds me of hunting.  not myself hunting, but going up to our cabin on the weekends during hunting season (which i hated) & hanging out with my parents.  i was 13.  mum & dad forbid tv & telephone while we were there.  all i had was music.  so really, that was fine.  i made a mix tape; one side live through this, other side exile in guyville.  i tended to listen to this side more whilst in the woods, for whatever reason.  it’s just bad-ass & it’s still fucking great.  i love me some courtney!  loves:  violet, miss world, plump, softer, softest…really, the whole bit!

to bring you my love – pj harvey. to bring you my love is the epitome of feverish lust.  but also, snarky jesus songs (working for the man!).  i was 14 when this was released…wow, is this a theme?  anyway, the always brilliant peej delivers a perfectly sexy, lusty, delicious & devastatingly desperate look at relationships(?!) with this one.  yum.  loves:  the whole record.  it’s too much rad.

grace – jeff buckley. i heart jeff hard.  real hard.  grace is so very gorgeous.  it’s one of those that sounds timeless.  it’s another clean-the-house cd, but also good dinner music.  or sex music.  whatever.  and i don’t need to tell you this of course, but of all the hallelujah covers out there, his is the best.  it gives me little goosebumps every time, & i don’t even like jesus!  and why the fuck hasn’t james franco starred as jeff in a film about his life yet?  that’s right, you heard it here first!  it was my idea!  sigh…  loves:  mojo pin, grace, last goodbye, so real, halleluja, & lover, you should’ve come over.

walking with thee – clinic. one of my favorite things to do  ever is listening to this in the car on my way to work; super-early in the morning before sunrise, during the winter, in the fog.  preferably freezing fog.  it just is.  i hate being awake at that hour & driving in freezing fog, but this album fits that scenario so perfectly.  it’s cold like that, & i love it…clenched teeth & all!  loves:  harmony, the equaliser, walking with thee, come into our room.

arcade fire – funeral.*  yep.  this is another one that i hated before i loved it.  i think it was just hard for me to listen to because it was so raw & real & somewhat sad…but smart…really smart.  brilliant even.  god, this record is so amazing!  even more amazing live.  loooooves:  all.  everything.  every bit of it. okay, i think my favorite track on here would be neighborhood #2 (laika), if i had to pick.  yes, that would be it!

horses – patti smith. i had a rough time picking  a patti record.  what list would be complete without at least one of hers?!  i wanted to pick easter, & then i thought radio ethiopia, but settled on horses for these reasons:  gloria, free money, land, & an uh-mazing cover of my generation. i love her so hard!  and john cale.  i wanna eat their faces.

aladdin sane – david bowie. man.  this was tough.  my favorite bowie record used to be hunky dory, & i almost picked that.  i decided on aladdin sane though, for these little gems:  watch that man, panic in detroit(!!), cracked actor, time, lady grinning soul…  fuck it, this is hands-down my favorite bowie!

kiss me, kiss me, kiss me – the cure. god!  another torturous decision!  why did i sign up for this project again…?  i realize that i’m a little masochistic, but this is getting ridiculous.  i chose kiss me for the sole reason being that it’s just the one i always seem to listen to the most.  it always sounds good & has a nice balance of moodiness to it.  loves:  catch, the perfect girl, the appropriately titled torture, if only tonight we could sleep, how beautiful you are, all i want, icing sugar.

the stone roses – the stone roses. oh!  goodness gracious, i love this band.  adore them.  honestly, i don’t know what could be better than sitting on the floor with this record on, hugging the speakers & drinking yourself into an emotional mess.  they are terribly underrated, but i think i like it that way.  they’re like a dirty little secret.  i wanna be adored is in my top 5 favorite songs of all time…really!  i say that about a lot of songs, but i mean it this time!  loves:  i wanna be adored, waterfall, made of stone.

meat is murder – the smiths. seriously, how could you not love the smiths?!  i don’t trust anyone who doesn’t listen to them.  oh, really?  you don’t like them?  sorry, we can’t be friends.  loves:  the headmaster ritual, rusholme ruffians, i want the one i can’t have, what she said…oh wait, i’m just going down the track listing.  i just realized there isn’t a single smiths song i don’t like.  nice!

washing machine – sonic youth. everyone needs a little fiber to stay happy & sonic youth can do that for you.  typically with sonic youth, i have to be in the right mood to listen to it, but when i am, it’s extra good!  i was going between dirty & washing machine…but i chose this one for these two loves:  becuz & little trouble girl.

show your bones – yeah yeah yeahs. show your bones is just a perfect record.  i never, ever get sick of it…it seems more mature to me than fever to tell, but not in a boring way at all.   i saw the yyys when they toured behind this album & it nearly killed me.  incredible.  loves:  way out, fancy, honeybear, the sweets, warrior.

lust lust lust – the raveonettes. the first time i popped this little gem in, i just about passed out!  it’s so, so sexy.  i’ve been a huge raveonettes lover for years & this is by far my favorite of theirs.  it sums up lust for someone who’s just a little bit out of  your reach.  sort of if like the jesus & mary chain were dutch & lived in the 1960s…well, they’re just fucking rad.  and hot.  loves:  aly walk with me, hallucinations, lust, black satin, blush.

midnight boom – the kills. best record of the decade?!  possibly!  it always, always, always sounds good to me.  and it doesn’t hurt that alison mosshart & jamie hince are like two of the most ridiculously good looking people ever!  loves:  u.r.a fever, cheap & cheerful, tape song, last day of magic, sour cherry, what new york used to be.

songs of faith & devotion – depeche mode. god.  okay.  so, this is a great record, yeah?  as a whole, i really shouldn’t include it in my topsies, but in your room is so fucking sexy that i have to include it.  knickers torn asunder! sigh…  it it weren’t for that track, i would have chosen violator.

kid a – radiohead. i bet you were waiting for a radiohead something or other, right?!  i chose kid a for it’s consistent listenability, although in rainbows certainly has that down as well.  but, i just really like the way kid a makes me feel.  it reminds me of something weird & uneasy.  i know that sounds kind of fucked up, but i mentioned before that i’m slightly masochistic.  so there.  loves:  everything in its right place, the national anthem, idioteque.

and there you have it!  that was awful.  i left out so many amazing records, & i’m not even going to bother with the honorable mention (the knife, the jesus & mary chain, dandy warhols?!  possibly even fever ray.  oh god.).  it’s too painful…  but perhaps i could do the same with films?  wouldn’t that be fun!

*sadly, i hated these two bands at first listen.  god, i was such a fucking idiot!  they both turned out to be two of my most favorite bands EVER…i’m so glad i made myself listen to them.  sigh!

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