Tag Archives: david bowie

surprise! part trois

posted by:  Sam & audra

audra: well, well, well…someone is back from his blog sabbatical.

Sam: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  You’re excited.  Where the fuck have I been?  Your guess is as good as mine.  I’m lame, and I know it… but I’m here now.  With Gramps Bowie in tow.  We’ve got Low on right now.  I just watched a documentary on the Bio channel about David Bowie.  It made me hungry for something from the Berlin trilogy.  Low it is.  God, I love this album.  “Sound and Vision“??  Come on…

audra: duh-licious.  man, what was with him storing all his bodily fluids in jars?  anywayz…yeah, i think low is really under-appreciated.  i like it more every time i listen to it.  a 1977 bowie; a bit mature, but still young & tight.  and even better now that we recently(!) learned that he was living with uncle iggy during his berlin period.

Sam: Young and tight… I remember those days.  It really is a great record.  How can you go wrong with something that David Bowie, Iggy Pop & Brian Eno all had their hands on?  And all the synth goodness?!  Come on.  You had me at helLOW.  Oh snap!

audra: oh SNAP!  jesus.  but really, i think low could be released tomorrow & sound totally new.  that doesn’t happen very often!  talk about sound & vision…

Sam: Ok, ok… Thin Lizzy.  You’re welcome.

audra: yesssssss!!!  sigh.  jesus christ, i love them.  i really, really do.  jailbreak.  more sighs!  phil lynott has this like, juicy voice or something about him.  delicious.  like he’s a wet-kisser — but not in a gross way.  like he has a healthy appetite for sex.  i don’t know.  something about his voice just says, i give good head.

Sam: He sounds like a young Elvis Costello to me.  Only dirtier, and sexier, and black.  I bet his lizzy isn’t very thin.

audra: i bet you’re right.  he IS sort of elvis costello-y!  like el ripped off his glasses, fro’d his hair out & drank some cheap beer.  mmm, cowboy song. i have a real soft spot for this one!  it starts out embarrassing, but it’s just so fucking good!  comforting.  same with romeo and the lonely girl we heard earlier.  phil has a certain sadness to his voice…i think that’s why i like it; sort of like i just want to scoop him up, wrap a blanket around him & tell him that he won’t always be a tortured artist.  oh em gee!  i think i hear little kristen hersh & her throwing moooses…

Sam: Funny, when I was little I totally thought ‘Muses” was pronounced ‘Mooses’.  Fucking hell.  Throwing Muses were a major part of my youth.  Especially this record, University.  It came out when I was 14 or 15 and has been one of my favorite albums ever since.  It makes me feel hot & sweaty and a little anxious.  Just like being 15.  Hearing lines like, “I’ll start at his knees, and end in his dreams” kind of fucked me up back then… but clearly, it fucked me up in a good way… right?!

audra: wild!  this fits perfectly in with my fantasy of nursing phil lynott:  right after the tortured artist statement i made to him, he turned to me & cooed, “…and i think i need a little poi-son”.  what a drama queen.

Sam: Drama queen, indeed.

audra: this is a good record.  it took me awhile to warm up to kristen’s voice, but once i did, i loved it.  she’s what stevie nicks would be if she were young & making alternative music in the 90s.  right?!

Sam: Ooh, good call.  I’ve loved her forever.  I think she is incredible.  Doesn’t she live in Portland now?  What ever happened to 50 Ft. Wave??  OMG!  “Teller” is on.  This shiz if my favorite song on the whole album.  It is fucking incredible.  For real.  “after all this is over, this is over after all“…

audra: i forgot about 50 foot wave!  whatevs.  i’m actually surprised we haven’t run into her around town yet.   ooookey, so, i just picked garbage verson 2.0. i was 17 or 18 when it was released…and i swear to you, if it weren’t for garbage & tori amos, i totally would have slit my wrists in high school.  so dramatic!  listening to it now, it’s hardly deep or anything, but it spoke to me in a way only a mizundastood 17 year old head could understand.

Sam: It certainly wasn’t that important to me back then, but I like it.  A lot.  I saw them for the first time (out of three total) in 1998.  It was amazing.  It was at a mini festival at the Memorial Coliseum with The Flys (shudder!), Cake (shudder!), Soul Coughing, Violent Femmes and Sugar Ray (shudder!)… it was an accoustic set and it totally melted my face.

audra: word.  man, sugar ray.  i saw them when they were nobodies at the fairgrounds in the tri-cities!  the bassist totally liked me.  we were leaning on the stage.  sigh.  anyway!  back to the topic at hand:  garbage.  verson 2.0 fondly remind me of heartbreak, not washing my hair [ever], fishnets, knee-high platform boots & dresses from hot topic.  and i remember writing all the lyrics out to you look so fine out in my journal.  those were the days.

Sam: Gross.  Dirty hair & Hot Topic??  Sick!  This record reminds me of moving to Portland and being on my own for the first time… Living in a gross, damp, moldy basement apartment… yuck!  I think it’s time to put the ipod on shuffle, yes?

audra: yes!!  first song betsey ipod picked:  way out yeah yeah yeahs from show your bones. lovely.  this is actually one of my very favorite songs the yyys have ever done!  i really love how karen delivers the fits around me so tight! part.  goosey bumps every time!

Sam: Me too.  It makes me hard.  God I love them.  Ooh, Thom YorkeAnd It Rained All Night… this song reminds me of the beach.  We went right after this record was released.  We listened to it the whole way there, druing the stay, and the whole way back… have we listened to it since??

audra: actually…i listen to it pretty often.  just bits of it here & there.  jealous?  ookey, see you, depeche mode. it’s fun.  what year is this?  early.  it’s good.  so fun, so faggy.

Sam: Early 80’s… I have no idea the exact year.  The beer has ruined my brain tonight.  “don’t you know that it’s true.  All I want to do is, see you“.  Ooh, “hips like Cinderella…” I hear Pixies!!  …and it was over as fast as it came.  It’s little Stevie!

audra: but back to tame quickly…i love that shit so much.  that song in particular.  i once had a [redacted] who hated the pixies, and really hated that song.  she thought frank was saying “pain” & thought it was really subversive.  in a bad way.  what an idiot!  we don’t speak anymore.  anyway, i was made to love you!  only our ipod could follow pixies up with stevie wonder.  let’s quail in the wonder.  next!

Sam: Cooooooonquest“… Patti Page!  Delicious.  This a fucking brilliant song.  Even though the White Stripes tried to ruin it, it held its own.  It’s a ferocious song.  It sounds kind of pretty, but unless you want your dick bitten off, I wouldn’t mess with it!

audra: word!  k.  mr. mystery by fabienne delsol.  i adore her work!  for real.  she brings a real retro feel to her music like you’re stuck in paris, 1963, eating from street vendors & wishing pierre would hurry the fuck up & take you to get your absinthe fix.

Sam: Now we’re on to Thieves Like UsProgram of the First Part“… I have to admit, I will like your band almost instantly if you’re named after a New Order song… and they deliver.  This shiz is good.  Real good.

audra: agreed.  i like them very much…dancey, but cool dancey.  a drunken, drug-induced trip to babylon — after-hours.

Sam: The ceiling is moving“… yes!  PJ HarveyWhen under Ether.  Fuck.  I love this song.  This is a sexy song.  It’s a little somber, but fucking hot.  I wannt to strip down and touch myself.    This is going kind of fast… while Audra messes with her garter belt, we’re on to SnowdenLike Bullets“.  Sexy.

audra: that shit is pissing me off.  the one time i really want to wear a garter belt & the back right thigh won’t stay fastened.  fuck it.  my hand are cramping & i’m tired of messing with it.  hat is off, too.  jesus christ!  anyway, snowden is awesome.  i fucking love them.  terribly underrated, they are!  this isn’t one of my favorite tracks from them, but still good nonetheless!  perfect first song.  just perfect.  next!

Sam:  Donovan.  “Season of the Witch”.  Just take that damn belt off.  All you do is witch, witch, witch.

audra: witching is my game, baby.

Sam: Witchy woman.  I hate that song.  Glad it’s not on the ipod.

audra: i hate that song too.  gross.  what’s next?  shall we skip ahead?  greek song by rufus wainwright.  i think it’s hilarious that my mom loves this record.  you turn me on, the girl is gone, so come on…

Sam: If she only knew… I love this record.  And this song.  The only thing that really bothers me though, is the line “I will dream in Barnes & Nobles“.  Nobles?  I hate it when people tack an ‘s’ onto things.  It’s Barnes & Noble, stupid.  Oh God, The Jesus and Mary ChainHead On“… more like hard on.

audra: yep.  so good.  except, we need to re-add this to the ipod…it starts skipping right towards the end…riiiight about….yeah.  there it goes.

Sam: Yessss!!  “Pass the Hatchet” by The Godzillas.  I fucking love this song.  60’s girl pop makes my pants tight and weak in the knees.  This song makes me want to host a naked dance party…  wow, short song.  We’re now on to “Sleepwalking” by 120 Days.  Nom nom nom nom, to quote a great friend (whose b*irthday happens to be today… HAPPY BIRTHDAY, b*!!!)… “I want to eat each and everyone of their asses”… word!

audra: thanks.  thanks for taking not one, but TWO songs!  damn!  why you always saltin’ my game?!  but yes, happy b*day, b!  we heart you real hard.  on to brigitte bardot & serge gainsbourg comic strip. it’s good, but embarrassing… SHEBAM! POW! BLOP! WIZZ!  jesus christ.

…mmkay, whilst sam laces my corset (for real! my new plan is to train my waist tiny with a corset like dita), we’ll do pale blue eyes by the velvet underground.  this is slow…but…..okay i’m panicking!  you tied it in a KNOT?!  bow.  bow!  it’s supposed to be in a bow!  i can’t breathe!

Sam: How the fuck was I supposed to know?  All I know is you have to get that shit tight and make it stay… and I did.  Jesus!  I got the knot out. Cool out.  Everything is fine.  What is funny is the almost-meltdown you just had was set to such a mellow song.  Gawd… more Snowden for you…

audra: well, it WAS scary!  i thought you’d have to cut it off of me like a car accident victim.  anyway, yes yes yes yes!  between the rent & me.  if we investigated how many times it’s been played…it would no doubt embarrass me to the point of tinkling myself.  i LOVE this song.  what do you think i am, the smoke in your clothes?  now when i walk in the room you know its all i can do to stare at the floor and not to look at you.  sigh.  crush 101 right there!

Sam: Oh. bloody. hell.  We’re onto The HorrorsWho Can Say“.  I fucking love this band.  Even with the new “fucked by Depeche Mode” sound… it’s brilliant.  The Shangri-La’s meets Jesus and Mary Chain mid-section of the song makes me want to fucking die.  It’s too good for words.  It may be the best break up song ever.  Get away….  OMG, b*… it’s your b-day and you are ALL OVER our ipod tonight.  Death From Above 1979 just came on…

audra: it IS the best break up song ever!  yes!  ohhh….death from aboveromantic rights. i don’t need you, i want you.  yum.  wait!  violet! and the sky was made of amethyst…

Sam:   Hole.  “Violet“.  You’re turning violet, violet!  Arguably, Live through This is my favorite-fucking-record-of-all-time.  I can recite every goddamn word, and love every second of it.  Audra mentioned earlier how Tori & Garbage got her through the “misunderstood” years… this was my record.  This reeks of my youth.  Jesus, I am totally having a Goonies moment right now.

audra: uh oh.   ANOTHER b song…for real!  this is getting gross!  it reminds me of the first or second time we hung out with her.  placebo post blue. it’s in the water, baby.  this is your birthday present, love!  i break the back of love for you.

Sam: Eau d’ Bedroom DancingLe Tigre… This song reminds me of when I first met Audra.  Young & dumb.  The hours spent drinking cheap gin & coffee at Java Bay… oh, boy…

audra: yeah.  but not together.  gross.  separately.  okay, LAST CALL!  the handshake mgmt. a good last song for the eve.  or at least for the blog.  god knows we’ll be up past 3 with drunken antics!  i have mixed feelings for mgmt.  the good parts are really good, and the bad parts are really bad.  they have a song that sounds like the flaming lips. and i fucking HATE the flaming lips!  hate!  ugh!  they are SO GROSS!  anyway.  i digress.  mgmt.  this is a decent song; one part arcade fire, one part little kids choir, mix with hallucinogenic drugs & shake.  handshake.   ha.

Sam: In grand tradition of last call with me, I will sneak one more in… Gene PitneyTown Without Pity“… oi vey!  Talk about sexy.  “Talk about problems…” fucking hell.  I promise you this, I will rave about this song just as much sober.  Take that.  That means I love it and I know what I am talking about…

…and that means I love you too.   We could go on forever, lovers.  We need to call it a night… even though Murder City DevilsDancin’ Shoes” just came on.  That means business.  G’night, babies.  Lurves you all!!

audra: word.  i’m done.  out of wit & cleverness…not that i had the much at the beginning of the eve to start with!  whatevs!  until next time, my sweets.  we love you long time.  sweet dreamers, my little creamers!

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time sensitive material

posted by:  audra

every fucking night when i’m about to pop some roofies & slip on my satin leopard print, i ask myself, ‘audra, why is it you waste so much time, you wasteful time-waster?  and how come you never, ever get anything accomplished, ever?!’ this has really been bothering me lately.  i never seem to have the “time” to clean the house, get more than one load of laundry done — let alone put said laundry away after it’s clean — and definitely never have time to do any sort of fat-burning activity.

…even though i used to come home & do so every night, as well as tidy up a spot, and manage to get to bed before midnight.

…and let it be noted that no, indeed, i have not resorted to drinking more.

i think it’s my new morning routine that has set me up for failure…?  when i had more of this luxury called time, i would get up promptly at 5 o’clock-ish on a weekday, shower, go about my business & actually make it to work on time without a trace of panic.  now, my alarm goes off at 5:20.  i turn it off & wait for sam to shower first & wait for him to wake me.  he does so sometimes at 5:20, if i’ve already turned the alarm off…then again at 5:30.  lately, it’s been the third (sometimes fourth) attempt at 5:40 (or 5:50) that gets me up…and it’s been a lethargic, dirty-housed downward spiral since.  makes sense, right?

i’m now on a personal mish to make more time for myself, so i can actually keep my household up, perhaps cook something during the week(!), and still have plenty of gooey makeout time with the television, a wine bottle & my chaise.

alright.  so.  get your fancy panties on!  better yet – take them off!  get comfortable.  it’s time for a day in the life of yours truly!  and just so we’re clear, of course, this is weekday stuff only.  but i shouldn’t have to tell you that.  in fact, we’ll just use today as an example for funsies.  indeed, what did i do today?  where does all my time go?  i’m dying to know…you are too…

  • 5:40 am:  currently my typical wake-time, but 20 minutes behind what’s ideal for my morning routine.
  • 5:41 am:  get in shower immediately.  since i’ve saved time by shaving the night before, i can be out in less than 10 minutes.  i’ve also decided to only shampoo my hair once a day, so i’ve shaved a couple of minutes off there, too.  score.  i do however, at least condition my hair in the morning.
  • 5:50 am:  smelling like peppermint, i’m out in 9 minutes.  that’s good, right?  normally i could probably do 5 minutes, but today was a struggle.
  • 5:51 am:  detangle hair, wrap in towel.  moisturize everything…face first, then extremities & special girl bits.
  • 5:55 am:  apply anti-persperant/deodorant.
  • 6:00 am:  jesus!  i’m starting to see where my time is going in the morning…it takes 10 minutes to put on moisturizer?!
  • 6:01 am:  start makeup ritual.  eyebrows always first.  then eye makeup.  base, shadow, liner, more shadow, then glue on lashes.
  • 6:15 am:  while lash glue sets, i blowdry my hair after applying product.
  • 6:20 am:  get coffee & prepare a lovely english muffin for breaky.
  • 6:30 am:  sit outside with coffee & ciggie.
  • 6:37 am:  check email & such.
  • 6:45 am:  heat up flat irons & continue the getting ready process — apply mascara, some foundation.
  • 6:50 am:  turn the dryer on from the night before if clothes need the wrinkles taken out of them.
  • 6:55 am:  straighten my hair.  it really only takes about 10 minutes from start to finish, but for some reason it always takes me longer when i’m in a hurry.  of course.
  • 7:15 am:  complete makeup — finishing powder, lippy, what-have-you.
  • 7:25 am:  attempt to get dressed.  even if i have laid out everything the night before, it never fails; i stuggle finding fishnets or my bra.  every.  time.
  • 7:31 am:  leave the house.
  • 8:10 am:  arrive at workplace.  there was traffic, so i was late.  beautiful.  one would think that 29 minutes is more than adequate time to drive 12 miles.
  • 5:46 pm:  arrive at le cuntington manor.  traffic was a fucking mess & i’ll keep quiet my bitching about bad driver stereotypes.
  • 5:47 pm:  take off my shiny manolos & notice that the heels need repairing already.  of course.
  • 5:47 pm:  bitch about traffic.  bitch about how hot it is.  bitch about the humidity.
  • 5:47 pm:  note how i’m sweating like a fat girl writing her first love letter.
  • 5:48 pm:  open beer.
  • 5:49 pm:  smoke outside with the mr.
  • 6:00 pm:  do a quick inventory & determine that we, in fact, do not need to go to the store like i’d originally planned.  yes!
  • 6:01 pm:  notice that i’m star-ving & perhaps should have a snack?  maybe early dinner?  maybe not, because then i’ll just be starving at 10:00 & drunk & then drunk-snack?
  • 6:05 pm:  elect a snack of salami & a sharp white cheddar.
  • 6:06 pm:  change into a long black chemise i wore several years ago when i was bettie page for halloween.  it’s too hot for yoga pants.
  • 6:16 pm:  check email & update blog.
  • 6:25 pm:  look at the tele (family guy), consider changing channels & then notice my hands are dry.  perhaps i could use a fresh coat of polish, too…?
  • 6:26 pm:  see what sam’s doing.  ‘is that freddie mercury?’ i ask.  ‘it’s about queen.’ he replies.  ‘even better’ (sarcastically).  i exit the room.
  • 6:31 pm:  reenter kitchen.  put away cheese & salami.  consider doing a load of laundry, but determine it’s too stuffy to do so.
  • 6:32 pm:  consider picking out an outfit for tomorrow, but determine i’m too sick of what’s in my closet to do so.
  • 6:33 pm:  pick at imaginary things on my back & think about what interesting things i could possibly do tonight to make this blog more exciting.
  • 6:35 pm:  save draft, fix a v & t with exxxtra lime, and retreat to the veranda to have a fag.  and a cigarette, too.
  • 6:59 pm:  decide to wear my standard uniform tomorrow; a black skirt, black top & whatever heels aren’t tore up from the floor up.
  • 7:01 pm:  start washing machine…with, my specialty:  5 items or less…which is ridiculous & obviously the reason as to why i’m forever doing laundry.
  • 7:03 pm:  settle into my chaise with the queen documentary on the bio channel & my july issue of nylon.
  • 7:05 pm:  i didn’t last long…in fact, i never “settled in” at all.  the documentary was boring & sam was reading a book.
  • 7:06 pm:  working on this retarded time-wasting blog…
  • 8:07 pm:  i’m done.  clearly, my dawdling/blogging/procrastinating are the culprits.  and possibly getting up late & spending too much time getting ready.

time elapsed: approximately 15 hours, give or take.  you’re welcome.

you see what i do for you guys?!  sigh…  and now i’m missing the david bowie bio.  thanks a lot, assholes.

good night, babies.  i do love you.

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