Tag Archives: bitches

bitches saltin’ my game

posted by:  audra

i meant to post something earlier, but i was busy making out with david sedaris…that’s an entirely other post for another day.  get excited.

behold, my pretties — these little dicks are back this season to ruin my life yet again:

you’d think what with the lack of greenery on our third story balcony, that this would not be an ideal dwelling place for little asshole tree frogs.  but! they find their way back every year.  i hate them.  yes, they eat insects.  but, they also eat the pretty ladybugs that i love, and sometimes even buy.  one year, in an effort to exterminate some aphids on my roses organically, i purchased some ladybugs…only to find them being consumed at warp speed by these fucking wicked creatures of skank.

they jump on me.  they mock me whilst i’m sitting on my patio.  they scoff at my attempts to chase them off by tapping my gardening spade on the railing.  they think it’s hilarious!  they do!  they stare me down & i have nightmares about them invading my living space.  true story!  believe it!  my most feared death is that scene in magnolia where all the frogs are falling from the sky.  sweet jesus, that shit is scary:

the other day — sunday i believe — i went out to do some much needed planting on the patio.  i had several basil plants, grasses & such that needed some potting.  so, i put on my hot pink gardening gloves & my sequined patio flats & went to town.

i picked up the crate the basil plants were in.  resting underneath like a sneaky snake was a smug tree frog, just sitting there, waiting for me to piss my knickers upon uncovering it.  it was dark green.  i gasped & shouted at sam to come investigate.  i was pissed because of course this was the vessel i was to use for my basil & i wasn’t about to touch this thing.  sam & i tapped the spade at it.  i flicked dirt on it.  it laughed & jumped a few inches.  i told it to get the fuck off my patio.  i glared at it.  it glared at me.

hours later, i found it hovering in the corner on the railing.  then it moved.  jumped. moved again.  then finally jumped to its death off the balcony.

thank god that was over with, & i wasn’t (entirely) responsible for it.

but!  just when i think it’s safe…?  another one shows up tonight!  its cuter, younger, smaller, hipper version of the one that was here before!  unbelievable.  every year!  i fucking hate it & i hate frogs!  they do not need to be on a third floor balcony when we have acres of green space & wetlands beneath us!  it’s bullshit!   selfish fucks.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Diary

a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips

posted by:  audra

i’ve read this phrase twice today.  on two completely different, unrelated blogs.  curious!  is it a sign, perhaps?  god, i hope not.  after reading it not once, but twice, i was absolutely starving to the point of passing out.  well…not really,but i thought i might if i didn’t eat a cookie immediately.

and i don’t even like cookies.  especially ones that come out of wrappers, but i didn’t really have any other options at the time.  so, i nibbled a bit & ended up tossing most of it.  packaged cookies are always disappointing.  totally a bad idea!

i felt better about disposing the remaining bits, but felt gross & disgusted with myself immediately.  not that my diet is the greatest, but i don’t go around eating shitty cookies all day for god’s sake!  or ever, for that matter.  i went to the powder room & brushed my teeth & tongue harder than i have in awhile, which reminded me of the receding gum line i’ve produced by doing just that.  fuck.

anyway, ‘a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips’ would just not shut the fuck up in my head.  does anyone else get that?  phrases or words stuck in your head on repeat, like getting a song in your head?  is that normal?  i started replaying it constantly, & now i totally believe it.  it is true.  even if you burn it all off doing yoga booty ballet, there are still traces of that fucking cookie in your system forever, probably, right?!

i couldn’t think about anything else at this point, so i investigated the phrase further…just to learn more about this smug, impossibly thin whorelette who thought she was so clever rhyming lips & hips.   come on, any retard could come up with that.

so, i googled the phrase origin.  i visualized an image of a pert, young thing dining on pomegranate seeds & water emerging.

instead, i got this.

yes, kids.  ceruleanbutterfly.com is a pro-anorexia/bulimia website that promotes eating disorders.  wait!  there is a correction on the home page:

In the beginning, we were associated more with the ‘pro-anorexia’ movement; however over the years, as our site has grown and developed, our stance has changed. We now consider our site to be not ‘pro-anorexia’, but ‘pro-reality’. Our mission is to educate people from all backgrounds about what exactly an eating disorder is, as well as providing knowledge of the dangers and threats associated with the issue.

fine.  blah, blah, blah…  and i know that everything exists on the internet, but it’s still appalling.  jesus, the quotes?  it appears that they have removed them from their main website, or whatever…but still.  i love annas & skinny bitches just as much as the next gal, but who really wants to nestle their head betwixt the thighs of a girl with a life philosophy like this:

Starvation is fulfilling. Colors become brighter, sounds sharper, odors so much more savory and penetrating that inhalation fills every fibre and pore of the body. The greatest enjoyment of food is actually found when never a morsel passes the lips.

what the fuck ever!  her hip bone would totally take an eye out!  clearly this poor girl is an idiot, & clearly she has never eaten a piece of bloody lamb with a glob of triple crème brie.  it’s exhausting just thinking of all the deprivation.

that’s my rant for the evening, loves.  i’m starving, & i suspect i’ll be grilling some brats with bleu cheese, just to spite that fucking cookie from this morning…and that god damn phrase.

2 Comments

Filed under food

queers, five years & saturday’s mistake: the conclusion

posted by:  audra

i was so starving & pissed at this point, & had consumed enough wine that i snapped.  mid-shot, i interrupted his photo-taking & hissed, “excuse me, are you going to be doing that all night?” i did!  i totally hissed!  he then of course apologized profusely & noted that he was taking blurry shots for the website & that i would definitely not be in any other shots.  whatever!  you’re still annoying the fuck out of me!  but he did move, & i didn’t see him for the rest of the night.  good work, audra.  good work.

entrees finally arrive & my thighs start sweating:   i ordered the grilled leg of lamb with green herb yogurt, chick pea fritters & a salad of orange & fennel…sam got the grilled sirloin with shallot butter, roof greens & fries.  we weren’t very impressed about the fries part…couldn’t they come up with something a bit more swank?  at least serve them in a cute little cup like this place does?  whatever!  everything was fairly good; except that sam’s meat was a little overdone.  actually, a lot overdone.   and if sam thinks it’s overdone, it’s way overdone.  my lamb was a little on the cool side, too.  it seems to me that they were leaving entrees out to rest too long before serving them.  again with the under-staffing issue!  anyway, the wine we chose to have with dinner was perfect…and oopsies, i have no idea what it was!  i wasn’t all that impressed with the wine-list either.  this being a wine place, you’d think i would be…but 6 years working in the wine industry, i’m hard to please when it comes to wine lists.  maybe it was just the by-the-glass list i wasn’t impressed with.  hmm.  whatevs.  i’m probably just being a bitch.

we did dessert & paid our check quickly…as oddly enough a really weird guy that we sort of know was seated less than a foot away from me, with his date.  she was really pretty & i have no idea what the fuck she was doing with him.  clearly she’s an idiot!  he spent the whole time texting while she sat & stared at her drink.  we don’t know this guy well, only through a friend of ours, and have only been around him twice.  but he’s a real loser & thinks he’s some big fucking treat.   i’ve witnessed him giving pcp to a friend when said friend thought it was just a regular joint.  anyway!   i can’t stand him.  he’s bad news.  luckily, we hadn’t seen him in a few years so he didn’t recognize us before we split.  so! close!

walking back to the car, i stumbled a few times.  i did.  what the fuck!?  i had four glasses of wine total, over the course of maybe 3 hours.  that’s nothing to me!  that’s just warming up!  whatever… i shrugged it off & got into the passenger seat.

not 3 blocks down the street & i have to ask sam to pull over.  i know i’m not going to be sick or anything gross like that, but i just could not be in the car.  super dizzy, you guys!  seriously!  do i need to remind you i only had 4 glasses of wine?!  so he drops me off in this parking lot, & i literally stumble over to the curb.  i can’t believe i didn’t fall down or scuff my shoes or something!  i was totally fucked up!  whoopsies!

i sat for a couple minutes, looking at my shoes, hoping i wouldn’t be sick on them, wondering why in the world i was so drunk & finally teetered my way back to the car.  it was so horrible!  i don’t think i’ve staggered so much, even in my drunkest drunkenness ever!  once i did make it back into the car, i was totally fine.  my drunkenness seemed to disperse as quickly as it had come on.  weird, right?!  i blame it on the one glass i had at le bar de skeeze earlier!  what else could it have possibly been?!   i just don’t know…but something fucked me up beyond recognition, as i went to bed at 11:00 that night.  eleven o’clock!  not my usual 4am antics, no!  eleven o’clock.  believe it.

i can say that there is something good that came out of my going to bed totally yet accidentally wasted at 11 on a saturday night:  i got up before noon sunday morning.  this never, ever happens & i’m kinda proud of myself!  this allowed us to watch all three of our netflix films in one day!  before dark!  this week’s was a fag themed one:  three of hearts, divine trash & the boys in the band.

three of hearts was kinda…meh.  i was real excited for it; documentary – one gay couple married to a woman, so they have this hot threesome thing going on, even though none of the three are really all that hot.  anyway, the woman gets pregnant at the beginning of the doc & they pretty much ruin it with that.  it’s mostly baby stuff from there on out, so i lost interest.

divine trash.  john waters documentary.   enough said!  get it!  i’m hoping to do some geneology maybe sometime real soon &  find out that john is my uncle.  wouldn’t that be rad?!

the boys in the band is fucking uh-mazing!  i’m super-embarrassed that we hadn’t seen it yet!  it’s super-intense & done in what feels like real time…like you’re there hanging out with them without any missing blocks of time, you know?  it’s like queer as folk & who’s afraid of virginia woolf? had a baby & it’s brilliant.  love, love, love.   in fact, as soon as it was over, i had to pop in virginia woolf because boys had put me in such a tizzy for it.  get the boys in the band right this very second, it will totally change your life!

Leave a comment

Filed under film, food

tit for tat

posted by:  audra

so.  okay.  i have something to get off my chest.  something that  has plagued me ever since i bypassed my ‘training bra’ years.  one day, i’m flat-chested & willing my body to bless me with big,  squishy titties…the next day i’m crying my eyes out, begging my mom to okay breast reduction surgery.  it took me years to get comfortable with my body.  years!  and then you have all the other shit that goes along with bustiness; looking slutty, looking stupid…you know.

so, this last saturday night, we went out to see a friend’s band.  i was all up in arms about what to wear, & finally settled on a black cleavage dress i hadn’t yet worn.  i don’t do much cleavage these days, so i was a little nervous…i don’t want to look tarty, you know.  i’m pushing 30 & i’ve had my fill of push-up bras & smothering boys’ faces with my tits.  anyway! i put on a deep-plunge bra & left the house feeling pretty good.

not two minutes after we park, i’m walking across the street in 4-inch stiletto booties & totally eat it.  hard.  in the middle of the street.  sober!  totally sober!  i’d say it was a miracle from baby jesus that my tights weren’t ripped, i wasn’t gushing blood, & there was no spillage of nars eyeshadow out of my bag….but if it were a miracle, i wouldn’t have fallen in the first place, right?!  god, how horrifying.  i don’t think anyone saw though…despite the massive amounts of men teetering in their own 4-inch heels for the annual red dress party, literally just steps away – NOT falling down.

i collected myself on the sidewalk & did the ‘that did NOT just happen…becoolbecoolbecool…you are a graceful suductress, audra…people love you & you totally did not just fall down!‘ talk with myself.   it worked.  boys were stepping aside, smiling & holding doors for me…  i was like, what the fuck!  why don’t i take the tits out more often!?  this is luxurious!

while i did get expedited drink service & complimented on my figure by several people, the entire evening wasn’t all that swell.  i got glared at.  lots of times.  all by girls!  they hated me.  some little skank with tiny boobies was texting in front of the paper towel dispenser in the loo, & when i politely told her, ‘pardon me’ with hands dripping, she glared at me.   apparently she was too troubled to move her tiny skanky ass aside for me.   then, sam & i went outside to smoke.  we left our drinks on the table, covered with bar napkins & a newspaper all askew to make it clear that table was taken.   not five minutes had passed when through the window i see that skank #2 & her skeezed out boyfriend were confiscating our table!  the best table in the bar!  hands off, motherfuckers!  i got the table back, but not before they managed to spill my drink & soak our paper.  and they were totally rude about it!  i was nice!  i believe i heard a “well, sorrrr-EY!”  from the boyfriend, too.  what a dick!  the bitch left her cell phone on the table, so before they were out of sight, i slid it across the table so she could get it before moving to a less-cool table.  she walked off.  i didn’t run after her.  cunt.

the night goes on as such:  i see cute girl.  smile.  cute girl glares and/or looks away.  repeat.  seriously!  i swear to god, you guys! i have never gotten so much concentrated negative attention from girls before, ever!  i realize i can look mean at times, but i was being so nice!  i blame the tits.   i only saw one or two other girls with their junk out that night & they were kind of fat…and everyone knows that fat girls are nicer than skinny girls.  wait!  i did not say i’m skinny, but i’m not fat either.  jesus!

i really don’t know what i’m saying here anymore, but i may have to do an experiment now.  perhaps one night i will cover it up like normal & assess the general feedback from fellow females, then the next night i will do cleavage & see what happens…?  is it jealousy?  really?  do you know how hard it is to find tops & dresses that fit properly?  bras?  and did you know that i wear a minimizer every day just to fit into my clothes?  have you seen the permanent indentations in my shoulders from carrying around a 34ddd chest for nearly fifteen years?  and i hope you mean little skanks from saturday night are happy for glaring at me, because i now i have welts on a new part of my shoulders just from wearing that fucking bra.  yes.  i do hope you’re happy.

now i’m just wishing i would have brought my camera on saturday.  i could have been able to take photographs of these mean girls AND made some real quality submissions to this website…then i could just call it even!  sigh!  whatever!

…and don’t worry, skank #2 came back for her phone, like two hours later.  i wish i would’ve spilled my drink on her shit.

3 Comments

Filed under potpourri