Tag Archives: betsey johnson

bad faux-mance

posted by:  audra

uh oh, babies…i discovered today that i’ve committed a majorly terrible fashion faux-pas.  and before you go snickering about my white socks with hot pink sequined flats, cuffed jeans & furry coat…THAT was in the privacy of my own backyard and was NOT meant to be seen by my hot neighbors.  who are they to be looking through our transparent fence, anyway?  none of your fucking business, pervs!  ANYWAY, so today i finally heard the new lady gaga on le radio titled ‘bad romance’.  i nearly shat glitter & champagne corks.  isn’t it the bestest?!  she’s my new obsession.  i hated the gaga before, and have finally decided that she’s kind of amazing.  anyways…so of course i immediately checked youtube for the video–i’m quite taken with hers–and you know what i got?  wait for it…. 

…she DEBUTED bad romance  at the alexander mcqueen spring 2010 ready to wear show!!!  what the fuck?!  seriously?!  i  blogged this AGES ago, and who’s the retard that didn’t actually watch the show, but took the easy route & just looked at the pictures?!  god.  whatever.  here it is, and it’s quite amazing:

did you look at those fucking shoes?!  uh-mazing.  and speaking of arranging music for fashion shows….sam & i would be soooo good at it, you have no idea.  can you even imagine betsey johnson fall 2011 ready to wear with le tigre‘s the the empty  on the runway?!  please!  your head would explode!

 anyone steals my bj idea & you’re dead fucking meat. 

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Filed under fashion, Music

halloween in july & public urination

posted by:  audra

inhale deeply, babycakes!  do you smell that?  yes, that!  it’s sweat!  probably inner-thigh sweat!  and gunpowder!  or whatever the fuck they put into firecrackers!  resonating off of the stupid fucks who still think it’s awesome to be igniting fireworks well after independence day has taken place.  jesus.  i was fucking dying in the heat last week & i hate the fourth of july & i can’t wait for summer to be over already. and i can’t wait for the crumb-snatchers to get back to school.   i mean, jesus christ!  and i really am looking forward to those fall days where the sun is juuust going down at like 6:00 & you need your sweater to carve pumpkin trannies on your patio before watching sorority house massacre (1 or 2…both are excellent) for the fifth time whilst drinking pumpkin beer on the couch.  you know what i mean?  sigh…

you may be surprised to learn that the fourth of july used to be my favorite holiday.  it was.  believe it!  i was young…a tender 17 at best, and lived for it.  you know why?  because it was right in the midst of summer when it starts getting really hot.  the hotter the better, i thought.  god, what a moron i was.  now, if it gets over 70 degrees, i spazz out & develop hives (really!).  but when i was younger, even 98 wasn’t hot enough.

i would lay out in the sun forever…sometimes all day, on the roof.  and sometimes i would purposely burn myself…which wasn’t hard to do anyway, what with my fair, easy-to-burn complexion.  i thought that if i got just a slight burn, that it would make my skin more likely to tan the next time around(?!).  and then i would hit the tanning bed in the evening, just to be sure.  so gross.  it ended up just giving me tons of freckles & prematurely aging skin.  tanning is bad shit, kids!

whoa…what was that all about?!  anyway, your most beloved blog has been neglected as of late.  i’m sorry.  how is it you’ve been able to carry on?!  to satiate you, i’ll give you a few highlights from the recent past…stuff that happened & valuable nuggets of knowledge that i learned:

  • i peed in a cemetery.  i did.  in broad daylight & not even behind a tree.
  • i got drunk in said cemetery.  with my parents.  on courvoisier.  during a memorial service.  in 100 degree heat.  it was awesome.
  • sam & i drunkenly devoured cold fried chicken in my mom & dad’s driveway at midnight on saturday after frenzied, secretive chain-smoking.
  • we discovered we are indeed capable of 3-day benders.
  • surprisingly, the bender & being at my parents house are unrelated.
  • …in one instance, sam & i drank continuously for 25 hours straight.  vodka, beer, tequila and wine.  not one person out of the four of us was sick or fell down.  i’m impressed.
  • i ruined the heel on one of my betsey johnson booties during said bender.
  • i peed outside on a gravel road in the middle of nowhere.  again.  and managed to splatter my shoes.  again.
  • i bought a leopard print handbag with a gold chain at a yard sale for $3. i will probably never use it.
  • i learned that my great-great grandfather was an immigrant from sweden.
  • …and that my great-grandfather only had a 3rd grade education, but was very successful as the head of immigration & naturalization for oregon, washington & idaho.
  • it’s official:  i am allergic to sun.  i sat in the sun two weekends in a row & both times broke out in terrible, itchy welts & hives.  it was gross.  they’re gone now, but the freckles will take years to fade.  damn it.
  • i am on my fourth augusten burroughs book in about a month.  i’m in love with his writing…and i may even say that i like him more than sedaris(!).  i know…blasphemy.  but he’s so fucking amazing & hilarious & tragic.  i can’t believe we’ve owned several of his books for years & are just now cracking open the covers.
  • foreign horror films are a gabillion times better than american horror films, as you learned from watching them, of course.  we just watched a german thriller called antibodies (antikörper) that was over two hours long…and didn’t turn it off.  a lot of blood, a little sex, some pedophilia & plenty of nail-biting scenes.  lovely…just lovely.
  • i have purchased a new journal.  it’s black & looks like a bible, only without words & a cross & a mostly-naked hipster on the cover.  i read through one of my old journals the other night & realized that i’m not bad at writing…at least when i want to be.  i had written some “poetry” that actually kind of blew my mind a little bit!  either way, this new journal will no doubt soon possess some wicked awesome tales to help fill in my memoirs later.  get excited.
  • i’m pretty sure i’ve gained back at least the two pounds i had lost.  i’m afraid to weigh myself.  i’ve consumed nothing but booze, burgers, hot dogs, fried chicken & pizza the past week.  oh, and pigs in a blanket courtesy of the florida room.  how very american of me.

and there you have it!  i think that’s all.  i don’t know about you all, but i plan on milking this 68-degrees-in-july business for as long as i can.  perhaps i’ll pick up some pumpkin beer tonight, pull on a sweater, pretend it’s october & dig out sorority house massacre , just for fun…

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Filed under Diary

baggy jeans, man-skirts &….flannel!

posted by:  audra

boo-fucking-hoo, you guys!  you knew that the serious side of me — the “real me”, or whatever — wasn’t going to stick around forever, right?  i could use a healthy dose of shallow right now, couldn’t you?!  let’s look at clothes.  maybe shoes.  maybe even handbags.  fuck it!  maybe even sack-dresses & the return of baggy jeans on women! you only live once, right?!

jumpsuits.  i still want one.  and i’m still kicking myself for putting that awesome 80’s blue & black satin jumpsuit with the shoulder pads back on the rack at ray’s ragtime several months ago.  biggest regret of my life.  it looked kinda like this one:

and this betsey johnson one is so darling:

i am still sick of baggy jeans on katie holmes or whoever is wearing them.  especially rolled up.  god, it looks so retarded:

christ, just looking at this photograph makes me feel like i have scabies or something.  like, when you put a jacket or sweater over something already long -sleeved, and then the already long-sleeved article gets bunched up & rolls up your arm as you put the other thing on…?  you know what i mean?  that’s the worst feeling ever!  aside from putting on wet jeans, of course.

wow.  grunge is apparently making a comeback on the runways, & this lovely frump-deluxe ensemb is from preen!  enjoy:

where would one even think to wear that?!  like for real!  i can’t even fathom wearing that monstrosity to bed!  so gross!

this next one is by charlotte ronson.  i call it ‘angela chase joins the cast of gossip girl‘:

and that is the only thing i would ever consider going hiking in ever, if i were held at gunpoint to go hiking, anyway.

oh jesus.  i didn’t intend to turn this into a fashion rant, but look at this:

boys, if saw any of you walking down the street wearing this, i would make fun of you.  to your face.  it’s skater-douche-couture.  we can thank blaak for that waste of fabric & slave-labor.

mmmkay, enough bitching.  you know what i wish?  i wish more men would carry handbags.  i know most guys could really use one or two hanging around.   no bulging pockets!  no broken sunglasses!  no keys hanging off their beltloops!  just look at these dashing young men & their purses:

see?  plenty of room for your axe body spray & vitamin water.  okay, but really… i’m serious.  get a fucking bag already.

okay, just one more thing:  so whilst you boys are working on that, i’ve decided to incorporate more polka dots and animal print into my wardrobe — together!

i’m pretty sure i could pull that off, you think?!

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audra: i love getting stuff

my top five favorite gifts baby jeebus bought me this year(!):

betsey johnson booties from sam...so fucking darling.  hot pink polka dots inside!

betsey johnson booties from sam...so fucking darling. hot pink polka dots inside!

just look at the soles of these!  so cute its gross.

just look at the soles of these! so cute it's gross.

influence by mko & ao.  even radder than expected.

influence by mko & ao. even radder than expected.

lambskin cate adair clutch.  lavender inside!

lambskin cate adair clutch. lavender inside!

documentary of cynthia plaster caster(!)

documentary of cynthia plaster caster(!)

oh, jayne...

oh, jayne...

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Filed under art, fashion, film, mary-kate olsen