Tag Archives: baby jesus

halloween in july & public urination

posted by:  audra

inhale deeply, babycakes!  do you smell that?  yes, that!  it’s sweat!  probably inner-thigh sweat!  and gunpowder!  or whatever the fuck they put into firecrackers!  resonating off of the stupid fucks who still think it’s awesome to be igniting fireworks well after independence day has taken place.  jesus.  i was fucking dying in the heat last week & i hate the fourth of july & i can’t wait for summer to be over already. and i can’t wait for the crumb-snatchers to get back to school.   i mean, jesus christ!  and i really am looking forward to those fall days where the sun is juuust going down at like 6:00 & you need your sweater to carve pumpkin trannies on your patio before watching sorority house massacre (1 or 2…both are excellent) for the fifth time whilst drinking pumpkin beer on the couch.  you know what i mean?  sigh…

you may be surprised to learn that the fourth of july used to be my favorite holiday.  it was.  believe it!  i was young…a tender 17 at best, and lived for it.  you know why?  because it was right in the midst of summer when it starts getting really hot.  the hotter the better, i thought.  god, what a moron i was.  now, if it gets over 70 degrees, i spazz out & develop hives (really!).  but when i was younger, even 98 wasn’t hot enough.

i would lay out in the sun forever…sometimes all day, on the roof.  and sometimes i would purposely burn myself…which wasn’t hard to do anyway, what with my fair, easy-to-burn complexion.  i thought that if i got just a slight burn, that it would make my skin more likely to tan the next time around(?!).  and then i would hit the tanning bed in the evening, just to be sure.  so gross.  it ended up just giving me tons of freckles & prematurely aging skin.  tanning is bad shit, kids!

whoa…what was that all about?!  anyway, your most beloved blog has been neglected as of late.  i’m sorry.  how is it you’ve been able to carry on?!  to satiate you, i’ll give you a few highlights from the recent past…stuff that happened & valuable nuggets of knowledge that i learned:

  • i peed in a cemetery.  i did.  in broad daylight & not even behind a tree.
  • i got drunk in said cemetery.  with my parents.  on courvoisier.  during a memorial service.  in 100 degree heat.  it was awesome.
  • sam & i drunkenly devoured cold fried chicken in my mom & dad’s driveway at midnight on saturday after frenzied, secretive chain-smoking.
  • we discovered we are indeed capable of 3-day benders.
  • surprisingly, the bender & being at my parents house are unrelated.
  • …in one instance, sam & i drank continuously for 25 hours straight.  vodka, beer, tequila and wine.  not one person out of the four of us was sick or fell down.  i’m impressed.
  • i ruined the heel on one of my betsey johnson booties during said bender.
  • i peed outside on a gravel road in the middle of nowhere.  again.  and managed to splatter my shoes.  again.
  • i bought a leopard print handbag with a gold chain at a yard sale for $3. i will probably never use it.
  • i learned that my great-great grandfather was an immigrant from sweden.
  • …and that my great-grandfather only had a 3rd grade education, but was very successful as the head of immigration & naturalization for oregon, washington & idaho.
  • it’s official:  i am allergic to sun.  i sat in the sun two weekends in a row & both times broke out in terrible, itchy welts & hives.  it was gross.  they’re gone now, but the freckles will take years to fade.  damn it.
  • i am on my fourth augusten burroughs book in about a month.  i’m in love with his writing…and i may even say that i like him more than sedaris(!).  i know…blasphemy.  but he’s so fucking amazing & hilarious & tragic.  i can’t believe we’ve owned several of his books for years & are just now cracking open the covers.
  • foreign horror films are a gabillion times better than american horror films, as you learned from watching them, of course.  we just watched a german thriller called antibodies (antikörper) that was over two hours long…and didn’t turn it off.  a lot of blood, a little sex, some pedophilia & plenty of nail-biting scenes.  lovely…just lovely.
  • i have purchased a new journal.  it’s black & looks like a bible, only without words & a cross & a mostly-naked hipster on the cover.  i read through one of my old journals the other night & realized that i’m not bad at writing…at least when i want to be.  i had written some “poetry” that actually kind of blew my mind a little bit!  either way, this new journal will no doubt soon possess some wicked awesome tales to help fill in my memoirs later.  get excited.
  • i’m pretty sure i’ve gained back at least the two pounds i had lost.  i’m afraid to weigh myself.  i’ve consumed nothing but booze, burgers, hot dogs, fried chicken & pizza the past week.  oh, and pigs in a blanket courtesy of the florida room.  how very american of me.

and there you have it!  i think that’s all.  i don’t know about you all, but i plan on milking this 68-degrees-in-july business for as long as i can.  perhaps i’ll pick up some pumpkin beer tonight, pull on a sweater, pretend it’s october & dig out sorority house massacre , just for fun…

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a town called malice

posted by:  audra

well, kittens…  what is everyone doing this weekend?  gallivanting gayly through the woods?  going on a three-day drinking/show bender?  attending a  housewarming thrown by one of the best party-throwers you know?  using the pedegg for the first time?  buying a bumpit & making your hair luxuriously big?

i think it’s safe to say i won’t be doing any of these things over the weekend.   buuut, don’t fret:  lots of drinking will ensue.  for suresies.

sam & i will be crossing many a county line tomorrow morning, somewhat early-ish, to stay with my parents for a few days.  seeing them will be nice, but i’m never real enthused to go back to my hometown.  i don’t belong there, & every time i go back i feel more detached from it.   in a good way.  thanks, baby jesus!  but…my parents are fun.  they like the sauce.  and not in a ‘hey-that’s-my-beer-cozy!’ way, either.   there’s pinochle…lots of it.   i hate card games, really i do — well, all games in general actually — but i’m rather good at this one & it makes me feel smarter & cunning, much like a fox in drag.

but anyway!  honestly, i’d much rather stay in pdxoxo this weekend, maybe see a show, perhaps watch the boys in the band again, & definitely cook something.  it seems like it’s been months since i made something in the kitchen that didn’t have to be slit open to allow steam to escape whilst in the microwave.  pathetic!

fuck, where was i going with this…?  random, right?!  oh well.  it’s gone too far now that it’s impossible for me to slow my roll.  i’ll try to keep it on track for you, loves.  i suspect that i will get lots of magazining done this weekend, as there’s not much to do when one is 200 miles away from the nearest sephora.  i may even take pictures of this event.  like i did at thanksgiving, reading up on demi-glace in my mom’s saveur, in the guest bed, at 3am.  the lump on the right in the photograph is sam’s leg:

i thought i would come home, become an expert, make demi-glace & blog about it.

i made it as far as the reading part.

i blame the article that was likely about booze, with a title stolen from david sedaris.  well, maybe he’s not the origin of the phrase, but i’d like to think he is:

this time i intend to get caught up on all sorts of fashion news…i think i’m at least two issues of harper’s bazaar and vogue behind!  i have a stack of food mags as well…there will be absolutely no excuse for me not to cook now.  none at all.  i’ll take drunken photographs too, just as proof!  you’re excited!

i take that back — if it gets hotter than fuck next week upon our return, i will not be cooking.  i’ll be doing cocktail hours out, perhaps before getting a cock in my tail.  what?!  i know.  this is a bullshit post & i’m sorry!  the next one will be worth your time!  promise!

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surprise! part deux

posted by:  Sam & audra

audra: good evening, kittens!  welcome to part two of the game surprises.  another drunken romp!  lush list wanted more, she gets it.  ask & you shall receive, my sweet.

aren’t you so fucking excited that you’re near wetting your knickers?!  i am.

Sam: I would, If I were wearing any.  For real.  We just returned from a fantastic afternoon of booze on the East Burn patio & a drunken trip to the record store.  We managed to take the new Peaches, The Horrors, Camera Obscura and a used copy of Shakespear’s Sister Hormonally Yours off their hands.  Perfect.

audra: you have.  no.  idea.  how excited i am to have the shakespear’s sister record back!   that shit changed my life.  i wanted to be them.  and the new peaches…so far i’m real impressed.  it’s a real show stopper.  panty dropper.  speaking of dropping panties, how amazing were the horrors last night?!  right?!  we’ll talk about the record in a bit…in the meantime, join me for my first ever listen to the new camera obscura my maudlin career

mmm.  yum.  first song, “french navy”…it makes me feel like i’m in a 1960’s film with catherine deneuve, & we’re walking down a busy street in paris with tons of shopping bags…you know, totally cliché, but oh so delicious.  what you think, hambone?

Sam: Hambone?  Well, I agree completely.   So far, so good.  It feels old, but in a new way.  Just like Paris.  Good call.  It makes me want to dress all in black, chain smoke and stroll down Rue Cler or down Avenue des Champs-Élysées.  Wow, we’re only on track four and I think I likey.  A lot.  Hmm… track five just started and it feels a little like a nursery rhyme.  Uh-oh.

audra: well, sorta.  not really?  i don’t know.  i just love their sound…they have yet to disappoint me.  i love the organ!  those super-sexy scots really know how to bring it & create a mood.  i would kill to see them in a really tiny, smoky bar & be color blind for a night.  black & white would be best.

Sam: i love the organ!”  There is the understatement of the year!

audra: well, i do love organs.  all shapes & sizes…but the bigger, the better.  that’s widely known.

Sam: Too big and you’re known for being wide.  Wow.  Really?  Anyway, back to Camera Obscura… I’m loving this record so far.  It would be rad to see them in some small smoky bar, but those days here in Portland are long gone.  They are coming though!  We can go see them in a rad old converted gymnasium!  With… wait for it… Agent Ribbons!  Sounds like heaven to me.

audra: we’ll see, we’ll see!  okay, i think i just nailed down my favorite track so far, “my maudlin career”…title track.  ‘you say i’m too kind & sentimental, like you could catch affection’?!  sigh!  i really like all the lyrics so far, & am so happy to be able to hold the actual disc in my hands & read the liner notes!  my fave.  support your local record store, you guys.  the boys are always cute & it will make you look cool!  do it!

Sam: Amen!  This one sounds like Ricky Nelson.  Ahh, Ricky Nelson.  Heart, heart!  I love that man.  Wow, it’s really hard to write anything right now with Audra attempting to mimic the vocals on this disc.  I need another drink.

audra: yeah.  whatever.  i did prit-tee good, never hearing the song before, yes?!

Sam: Don’t quit your day job.  Please.

audra: k.  end of the disc…well done, camera obscura!  buy this!  download it illegally!  whatever it is you do!  it’s damn good.  a good record to entertain to…your friends will love you & think you’re way smarter than you really are!  and you’ll look prettier too!  i promise!  next!

okay, you guys.  i’m kind of embarrassed about this next one, but shakespear’s sister is fucking awesome.  really!  i first bought this album in 1992 when it came out…probably around my sophie b. hawkins days.  mmm…so good!  it made me feel cool.  i did really want to be them…black hair, black eyes, too much makeup, black clothes…done!  good work, audra.  anyway, i saw this tonight & couldn’t resist.  six bucks.  believe it.

Sam: This pleases me too.  I had the “Stay” cassette single… the b-side was an “album sampler”.  God, I listened to it constantly.  I really think we would have been best friends had we known each other at that age.  And, just think.  The outcome would would have probably ended up the same!  I would normally make fun of you for a choice like this, but who encouraged you to buy it tonight?! That’s right.  Me!  I love it.  How can you go wrong with former members of Bananarama naming a band after a Smith’s song??  You can’t.

audra: dude.  “stay”.  sigh!  no, sighz!  with a z!  i listened to it constantly…i would fall asleep to it, pretend to fall asleep to it, masturbate to it…everything.  it reminds me of every terrible crush i had at the time, & countless, heartbreaking school dances.  it wrecked me & put me back together every time.  still perhaps in my top 10 favorite songs of all time…?  or is that the vodka talking…

Sam: No.  It really is a good song.  I remember the video kind of fucking me up.  In a good way.  Lets see if it still does.

Yep.  Still does!   Ok.  Moving on.  The new Bat for Lashes, Two Suns. Go!

audra: well, i’ve been over bat for lashes for quite some time.  all her songs sound the same to me, & once i was able to hear “what’s a girl to do” on the radio at my desk about 10 times a day…i’m totally ruined on it.  buuuut, her cover of “i’m on fire” still makes me wet!   anyway, it is good…i’m just tired of her.  travel exhausts me!

Sam: That bitch knows a good song to cover, I’ll tell you that much.  Her cover of The Cure’s “A Forest” is amazing.  And, the fist track on this record?! I love it.  Tonight is the first time I made it past the first twenty seconds of it… color me impressed.  Her voice makes me want to touch myself.  It has an early nineties feel to it, actually a little of reminiscent of Shakespear’s Sister…

audra: it is kind of good.  okay, really good.  but i never listen to it, ever.  it bores me.   but!  i do rather like the cover art!  it reminds me of pierre & gilles…did they do it??  hmm.  whatevs.  i’m ready to get schooled in the teaches of peaches, yeah?!

okay, kids…peaches, i feel cream.   when i saw sam’s post about the new peaches single, i was super-nervous.  singy-songy, in a slightly bad way… but when i heard the lines “i don’t give a fuck if you’re following me, i don’t give a fuck if you’re maulin’ me…” on the first track, ‘serpentine’ in typical peaches fashion, i knew my “suckin’ on my titties” girl didn’t let me down.  yes!

Sam: Let you down, she didn’t.  I’m going out on a limb here, but this might be my favorite release from her yet.  Mixed by Simian Mobile Disco & Digitalism…??!!  Bitch, please.  It’s damn near perfect.  ‘Talk to Me‘ is my jam.

audra: that song is starting to come around to me.   it’s definitely more of a grower, not a shower.  the rest of the record is fucking rad!  you want to throw a house party, get your guests drunk, throw them in the basement & put this on at 2am.  they will love you!  it sounds like sweaty same-sex makeout seshes in the corner.   yum.

Sam: You nailed that one.  This record makes you actually hope you get roofied at the bar and taken home to get railed.  Hard.  It’s sexy, in a dark, sleazy way.  Again, it’s a good thing I don’t wear underwear… or they’d be around my knees at every listen of this disc.

audra: yuss!  totally!  alright.  depeche mode sounds of the universe.  upon first listen, i wasn’t floored or anything like i thought i might be.  playing the angel seemed a lot more ooohy-ooh to me…but the more i listen to this one, the more i like it.  which is typically good coming from me; as in if i hear something & don’t warm up to it right away, i usually end up loving it to bits!  the video for “wrong” totally fucked my shit up & i love them for that!  i can’t stop watching it.  good work, boys…good work.

Sam: True.  You usually hate shit I love instantly… this being no exception.  I was super impressed with this record.  Minus the paint-shop inspired cover.  Gross.  Who told them that was a good idea?  They were stretching it with the feather boy on the ‘Playing the Angel‘ disc…. this takes it to a totally different level.  It’s a damn good thing the record holds it’s own against the cover.  If not, they would have seen my fist coming for their face for sure.  We’ll be seeing them in Seattle this summer and I’m so excited I’ve peed a ring around myself.  Oh. My. God. Ok, on to The Horrors!

audra: oh, the horrors.  most awesomest set ever?!  maybe!  i should’ve worn knickers last night, because my thighs were totally sticky the whole time!  their new sound is  like joy division, the jesus & mary chain, and my bloody valentine had a really sexy, boozed up baby.   not the kind of baby with fetal-alcohol syndrome, but the cool kind!  the kind that comes out of the vadge wearing a little eye-makeup, tight pants & smoking a cig!  yes!  how bad can that be?!

Sam: It’s like our dream baby… if we wanted one.  We’ve always said, “if we were to have a child it would be a hot, skinny, British boy”.   Any one of The Horrors would do the trick.  Especially Coffin Joe.

Ahh, I love him.  A lot.  Last night was perfect.  They totally switched up their sound, but it works.  I think I may even like it better.  A friend last night nailed it with a quote of, “Who is this?!  It sounds like they got fucked by Depeche Mode!”  Brilliant.  That sounds like a hot wet dream come true to me!

audra: isn’t he so delicious?!  i would probably break him in half, but maybe that would be hot.  we should try it.  fix me another drink, will you, lover?  i’m dry.

Sam: You, dry?  Never.  That’s an oxymotrin if I’ve ever heard one.

audra: do we have any?  oxymotrins?  nurse, come quick!  oh wait…  anyway!  i think this record will be our summer soundtrack!  for suresies!  i cunt wait!  it already sounds like hot, sweaty things rubbing on eachother, so why not?!  sigh…

Sam: I’m almost confident enough to say I couldn’t care less about what is on the horizon… between this record and the Fever Ray album, we’re set for this summer.  Believe it.  It’s that good.  And, if you don’t believe me… have a looksies for yourself.  And, if that still doesn’t convince you… then you might be dead to me.

S & a: on that note, good night, kittens!  We love you.  Real hard!

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queers, five years & saturday’s mistake: part two

posted by:  audra

…because apparently, the “cash thing” is “an asshole”…at least according to the girl behind the bar.  finally, the “cash thing” spits out a receipt disguised as an error code, which prompts bar girl to call her manager, who is not on site…but maybe we can “wait around until he shows…?”  she then asks sam to write down his debit card number on a piece of paper so that they can “charge it later”.  you can imagine my frustration at this point.  instead of complying with her sketchy request, sam finds an atm & opts to get $20 out.  for 2 drinks, our tab came to $11, which is not unreasonable.  we pay with the 20, & she hands him back $12.  so, not only can she not use a modern p.o.s program properly, she can’t do basic math!  we conclude that this is alright with us considering our experience thus far & take the extra couple of bucks.  shut up!  you would totally do the same thing!  this place was sick!  not dive-bar-sick in the least…just icky.

in desperate need to take a rape-shower but nowhere to take it, we head back upstairs for our table.  lip gloss will have to suffice.  still, more waiting.  at least 20 minutes worth.  all the while listening to a frizzy-haired ‘actress’ from l.a., wearing a stretchy american apparel frump dress with cowboy boots & a denim jacket go on & on about her next role, opposite brittany murphy: do you know who she is you guys, and ohmygod, & how on both sides of my family there is a long history of suicide, isn’tthatweirdyouguys i was like whoa! really?  jesus!

okay.  things are getting better.  we’re now seated.  deep breath.  wait, where’s our server?  are they like, seriously under-staffed?  please tell me that 4 servers called in sick or something?  i realize saturday nights are busy…but they have a good reputation & should be prepared for this type of thing, wouldn’t you think?  it took at least 10 minutes just to order a glass of wine!  but thanks, baby jeebus, for having the elk cove rosé.  that was lovely to start with & was perfect with our cheese plate.  even though i can’t remember the names of any of the cheeses besides gorgonzola, triple crème & white, that was still really very nice of you.  it almost canceled out the time i asked you for a tranny for christmas & you didn’t deliver.  almost.

then something went awry, just when they were looking up.  some dick photographer decides to set up shop right.  next.  to us.   literally like 6 inches away from our table.  god, i was so pissed!  total disregard.  had he whispered a “pardon me you guys but you two are so incredibly delicious & i just want a photograph of you to masturbate to later, and this will just take a second…sorry for the disruption.” i would have been cool with it.  it was fine at first, but he just stayed there snapping pictures in my face for like 10 minutes, breathing on our four cheeses.  finally he moved & went to bother someone else, only to return moments later…

…to be continued tomorrow, my pets.

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queers, five years & saturday’s mistake: part one

posted by:  audra

good evening, my little tartlettes!  i do hope you all had a swell weekend.  and since you’ve been biting your nails down to the quick in anticipation of what we did over our weekend, i’ll tell you — but this will have to be done in segments because gossip girl is on tonight & we all want to see what happens!

friday night was lame.  it was supposed to be part two of this, just for the lush list, & that didn’t happen.  but she hasn’t been blogging lately (shame!) so i don’t think she’ll notice anyway, right?  sigh!  no, friday night was for drinking & i can honestly say i have no recollection of what we even did for dinner that night.  it’s completely gone.  i do however, remember scanning in a whole bunch of pictures from like 9 years ago, uploading them onto facebook & then promptly deleting them out of embarrassment.  i did put that polaroid up for you, though (you’re welcome).  that night was the night of one of the best parties ever, and happened to be my marc jacobs shoe debut.  2003.  yes.  sigh…so young, so young.  and just so you know, i do have totally normal hands…even though my left one in the photograph looks like a paw.  it was just bad posing on my part.  at least i kept my legs together!  holla!

saturday was our five year wedding anniversary.  believe it.  don’t worry though — we’re not gross like that!  we did not do the traditional anniversary gift exchange like most couples do (the five-year one = wood.  smirk!), nor did we exchange stupid cards or anything lame like that.  i did not get pissed when sam came home without flowers in his hand.  no.  we’d planned on purchasing tickets to pj & john parish, which is happening very, very soon-ish & i’m asking baby jesus not to sell out of them before we get around to actually making this purchase because we’re lazy & didn’t really get around to it this weekend.

sigh!  anyway!  sam & i slept in a bit, chain-smoked on the patio & after completing an extensive menu for the evening (anthony bordain’s haricot verts & asparagus, seared filet mignon, & lobster with endive & maybe a pavlova – maybe), we decided to go out.  it was sort of warm outside & i wasn’t thrilled about searing bloody meat over high heat indoors.  i get hot.  you understand.  i also wanted to avoid frolicking off to the store as much as possible…so, we agreed upon this place, since embarrassingly enough, neither of us had ever been.  i wasn’t in the mood for stuffiness & definitely not in the mood for assholes, so this seemed perfect.

if we left the house early enough, one would think there would be no need to make reservations, right?  i mean, who eats dinner at 5:30?  but 5:30 turned into 6:30, which turned to 7:00.  i had a major makeup-meltdown in the bathroom when i was about 10 minutes away from being completely ready & almost cried.  i threw makeup brushes at the closed bathroom door.  i had wicked cramps.   blood was gushing out of my vagina & i was thoroughly convinced i was having a quintuplet miscarriage.  and i was out of advil and super-plus tampons.  fuck!  normally, this would be a complete disaster…but after my little tantrum, i pulled it together & managed to leave the house without any real drama.

we arrive at our destination, & it’s.  totally.  packed.  with a wait-list at least 7 parties deep.  jesus christ…really!  it’s after 7pm on a saturday & mama needs a drank.  my general impression of the crowd-corralling wasn’t good.  the owner checked us in & acted like a college student hostess in her first week on the job.  no one really knew what was going on & it was tough to even get a time estimate out of her for which to rest upon.  a youngish boy then checked on us & said it will be 30-40 minutes, so we settled on going someplace else for a drink whilst we wait.

i thought i had been to the worst bar ever, until this place.  i won’t name names, but just know that it’s housed in the space that was formerly the chesterfield.  perhaps it was the three skeezed-out meth heads sitting at the bar, or the really inept barmaid, but the second i stepped in the door, i wanted to leave.  typically i don’t get really creeped out by places, but this one made me feel like something terrible had happened there.  i’m guessing a tall, hairy man with a prosthetic arm ripped off his plastic limb to rape a young, stringy, blonde thing with before he bludgeoned her to death with it.   in the bathroom, probably.  again, just guessing…but i’m usually pretty good at this stuff.  anyway!  moving on…

as soon as we order our drinks, i know it’s trouble.  first i asked for a wine list, as i see the other patrons have wine in front of them.   bartender looks confused.  “uhmm…..” she picks up a menu.  scans it.  turns it over.  more reading, squinting…  “oh!  it says to check the chalkboard.” hmm.  really?  wouldn’t you know that already if you’d been employed here for…i don’t know, an hour?!  i walked to the other end of the bar where the chalk board resides — nowhere near the entrance or where you would normally order  — and i asked for a glass of pinot noir, which turned out to be opened for too long.  i should have had her open another bottle, but i didn’t have the patience for that either.  i really just should have gotten a safe beer like sam did!  sigh!  so, we settle our tab & it takes foreverrrrr

oh my god!  what happens next?!  come back tomorrow for part two, my buttery little lamb chops!  until then, kisses on your sticky bits.

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dear bathroom wrecker:

posted by:  audra

whilst i will stick by the well-known fact that girls don’t do gross things, ever, it has come to my attention that someone is violating this rule in my workplace.  it is not someone i work with directly (i think), but likely someone in a different office downstairs.

after le lunch, i like to leisurely perform my afternoon makeupping rituals & brush my teeth, smooth my hair…whatever sort of maintenance that needs to be done gets done at this time.  i like the downstairs loo, as it gets a lot less traffic & the lighting is much better.  lately – and i use “lately” loosely, as it’s been the past 2 or 3 months – someone has been taking it upon themselves to “unwind” in there on a daily basis…and right before i do my daily grooming in there.

not cool.

who.  does.  that?!  every day?!  not only the act of doing it at work, but leaving evidence behind!  lots of it!  fucking gross!  the tweaked-out skanks i see at dive bars are even able to flush properly!  jesus christ!  i mean, really!   am i going to have to start driving all the way to nordstrom to the ladies lounge area just to put on some fucking makeup at lunch?!  get it together & leave your business at home, lady!  i just want my bathroom back!

sigh.  the even more disturbing part is that i’m pretty sure i’ve pinpointed the person who is ruining my life.   we arrive & depart work at the exact same time every day.  she’s much older than i…maybe in her mid-forties, & super dumpy.  pretty much my worst nightmare.  stringy hair, no makeup.  baggy sweatshirts & mom jeans deluxe.  and she’s got a wicked frump resting on her midsection.

anyway.  i went 2 days in a row this week where i didn’t have to deal with any “evidence”, & that made me very happy.  until today.  it had returned, & i even tried getting back from lunch early!  either flush twice, or stop eating activia or whatever!  but you know, i shouldn’t even have to worry about stupid shit like that!  how sad is it that a clean toilet bowl is enough to make better my afternoon?!  really fucking sad!

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pregnant women are smug

posted by: audra

this is just too awesome to not share!  enjoy.  you’re welcome.

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Filed under Video