Tag Archives: augusten burroughs

excess baggage

posted by:  audra

this fucker has let me down.  look at him, so smug with that retarded stephen sprouse graffiti!  but let’s make this snappy; i’m in a big hurry to get drunk before 11 & finish my augusten burroughs trilogy.

so, remember the marc jacobs handbag i purchased last november to reward myself for losing a certain amount of weight, when in actuality i never lost it & purchased the bag anyway?  it’s falling apart.  it is.  the internal stitching is fraying, the straps are peeling & the bottom looks like i’ve dragged it across the parking lot behind slow bar.  which i’ve done with some of my handbags, but never this one.

truthfully, i was never happy with the handbag to begin with.  this could be why she’s turning on me.  i wanted black; she was brown.  ‘bat brown’.  i settled for bat brown because the structure is nice, & there was no black option for that particular bag.  and it has tons of room.  seriously you guys, i could fit at least one premature baby in there…probably two.  twins.  and the latest issue of vogue, along with some lipgloss, a travel umbrella, spare panties just in case, perhaps a midsized perfume, too.  i grew to like her, even though she clashed badly with my reoccurring blackwear.

i noticed the scuffs & scrapes on the bottom & was slightly annoyed, but i let it slide.  then the straps started cracking.  then peeling.  then peeling some more.

i was pissed.  one doesn’t spend nearly five-hundred dollars on a tote to watch it die before her eyes six months later.

i investigated the zappos.com returns & exchange policy yesterday, the place from which bat brown betsey came.   actually, the couture side of zappos from which it was purchased.  it clearly states that for one to receive a refund or exchange, the merchandise must be in new condition, as well as in its original packaging…of which i tossed in a fit of feng shui the night i’d unwrapped it.  so, yesterday i emailed zappos.  and bitched.  nicely.

i told them that i was extremely happy with the bag at first… and that now the straps were falling apart… all that shit.  i may have exaggerated a little, but i shouldn’t have to put up with an mj taking its last breath so soon…especially when it took years of abuse for the heel of my red marc jacobs shoes to break on me.

this is what i got back, less than twenty-four hours later:

“i’m very sorry that the marc jacobs softy tote is not holding up as well as expected.  although the item has been used, we will allow you to return or exchange the bag as a one-time courtesy.”

but wait.  it gets better.

“i have taken the liberty of emailing you a pre-paid ups return label…we will ship the exchange order out right away, before we receive your return.  we only ask that your return order is received within 14 days of the exchange being shipped.”

how easy is that?  amazing customer service.  i’m not even sure if nordstrom would be that courteous.  so this is my very quick zappos plug:  they are awesome & will not let you down like a light tampon on an unexpected heavy day.  believe it!

the return part is set.  the replacement is another story.

i’ve spent hours looking at handbags.  do you know how many hideous bags there are out there?!  hearts, charms, zippers askew…and that’s only the high-end ones.  sigh.  i even considered taking the refund & spending my reimbursement elsewhere.  still, nothing.  well, not nothing–i did find a lovely alexander mcqueen that made my thighs sticky, but it would cost me at least two entire paychecks…which probably isn’t a wise decision.  tempting though.

i’ve decided to go with another jacobs.  i know, i know…it will probably fall apart on me too.  i just love him so much!  and they’re the only ones i like…really!  and, since i am able to return this one after almost seven months of wear in exchange for another, it’s sort of like having the new one for that long & so if it breaks apart like the one before, it’s like i’ve had that one for a year, which is better than six or seven months.  right?  i’ll keep you posted.

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talk of hot dogs, bladder infections & half-assed movie reviews

posted by:  audra

good evening, lovelies.  did everyone have a blow-your-head-off/i-just-ate-16-hot-dogs-awesome father’s day weekend?  i did.  except there were no wieners involved whatsoever.  this time.  at least in the frankfurter sense.  i managed to avoid all processed meats and processed cheeses(!) this weekend in favor of cooking things that are good for me at home.  aaaand, i worked out both saturday and sunday.  which never, ever happens on the weekend…  aaaand, lost 2 pounds.  finally.

my current weight:  158.0.

which is good.  considering the first week — my efforts consisted of 2 days of sweating & eating well, then following that up with 5 days of laze & massive amounts of beer consumption…along with gratuitous snacking.  i’m gross.

anyway, this last friday night we went a’trolloping to whole foods, which always inspires me to eat well.  it’s the one place i actually enjoy grocery shopping.   i picked out some lovely filet mignon & gathered some things for a potato salad…don’t worry!  the cute kind of potato salad!  not the yellow kind with cut up egg, mayo & relish!  this one is some sort of french recipe i had scrawled onto a note card in 2001(!).  i think it’s from saveur magazine…?  and why i didn’t just cut the thing out of the mag, i’ll never know.   anyway, the salad consists of fingerling potatoes (whole foods was out; i used baby reds), lots of tarragon, good kosher salt, cracked pepper & champagne vinegar.  that’s it!  oh, & apparently some mayonnaise…even though i would swear it was olive oil & vinegar based…it had likely been seven years since i’d last made it & i didn’t remember assembling it with mayonnaise like the recipe had suggested…but i followed along & did the mayo anyhow.  it only called for 3-4 teaspoons, but…

next time i’ll leave it out.  i think just some olive oil would be much, much better.

so that was that, & with some of this, and to start we had my favorite, favorite come-in-your-panties-amazing goat milk truffle tremor cheese, a triple creme delice de bourgogne, and a lovely oregon gorgonzola…cleverly or retardedly named oregonzola.  i can’t decide which.  i took some drunken photographs of the half-eaten cheese plate, only to realize later how gross it looked smeared across a pink depression glass plate.  maybe next time i’ll think first.

yeeeeah, sorry about that.  but the little dish of honey?  lover-ly with the delice de bourgogne.  amazing, in fact.

this was the filet mignon & such…i know it looks ghetto!  and sparse!  it does!  but it was awesome.  i swear it.  next time i’ll dress the plate up with flair & glitter…but i was super-tired & starving by this time.  this photo is purely for ‘proof that i made it’ purposes.  we had some sort of cheap $17 pinot from california with it, too.  block 45 or something?  i don’t remember…but it wasn’t terrible!

saturday was completely unproductive.  i had lofty plans of getting up early (9 or 10-ish), getting all of the laundry done, including the sheets, clearing off the patio, cleaning the floors & being showered & dressed-up by 3pm.  but i should know by now that once these sort of inspirational plans are sought, i will fail tremendously at them.

i got up at 1:00.  then realized that we needed haricot verts, basil & some fresh anchovies for the niçoise platter i was to put together later.  i did minimal cleaning, if any, read my book, melted some fat off of my thighs–courtesy of mustang sally–and was barely out of the shower at 5.  which in turn, landed us back at whole foods around 6:30.

i think dinner commenced at 9 or 9:30 that night after a floundered attempt at watching nighthawks (not the one that was made in the 80s with sylvester stallone, you guys!  jesus!), supposed to be “very controversial” & “daring”1970s film about gay men in london.  this one guy’s a middle school teacher, so he’s forced to be closeted, blah blah blah, then goes out to the clubs to fag it up at night…leading a double life.  sound exciting?  it’s not.  it’s totally boring & i would swear there is absolutely no dialog within the first 20 minutes of the film–in a non-dramatic way.

anyway, this niçoise platter…so easy, you guys… so easy!  if you make this for your friends, i promise they will think you are brilliant in the kitchen & love you forever!  you might even get laid.  it’s that pretty.  you just make a french potato salad (not the tarragon one i mentioned before, but one with basil, flat-leaf parsley, scallions & a vinaigrette–dijon mustard, champagne vinegar, olive oil, good kosher salt & cracked pepper.), & assemble the rest:  grilled ahi steaks, arugula, steamed haricot verts, good anchovies, kalamata olives, heirloom tomatoes & a hard-cooked chicken egg.  i took drunken photographs of this too…nothing great, but you get the picture…

sunday was a movie day that totally made up for that nighthawks debacle!  first we watched a french horror/ thriller, set in romania that we’ve been dying to watch called them (ils in french).  get this immediately.  i’m not even kidding.  i even gambled on a bladder infection because i didn’t want to pause it to make a break for the loo!

…and we also watched dear zachary.  a documentary made by a guy named kurt who loves his childhood friend andrew.  andrew gets murdered by his psychotic ex-girlfriend.   kurt goes all over searching for the people who were in andrew’s life, & interviewing them.  drama ensues.  and i’m telling you, i’ve never cried so much during a movie everrrrr. that shit ripped my heart out.  watch it this weekend, you guys!  it’s amazing.

sigh.  okay.  that’s it.  you’re caught up.  goodnight!  i love you!

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Filed under food

some girls are bigger than others

posted by:  audra

okay.  check it:

last night, i did some exercise.

and tonight…?

i did some more.

i have also read an entire book in less than 4 days & started another.

i’m not sure what’s going on with me, but i think it may have something to do with a little mini-mental-meltdown i had on sunday evening.  i’ve realized that i have been lamenting about having a little extra cush on my tush for forever & we’re all way sick of it.  but mostly, i’m pushing thirty & i don’t want to exit my twenties being unhappy with my fat-girl arms.

and i also want to read more because it will make me smarter, wittier, more clever & irresistible to be around.

so there.  everyone wins!  nobody wants to sit next to a dumb, dull fatty.

but wait!  there’s more.  i’ve decided to disclose to you my actual, real, bloody, raw weight.  i’m not a typical girl in never wanting to reveal my weight, but it is a little humiliating to do in public.  i did this to myself!  mama’s lazy & the girl likes to drink.  and sit.  i can’t help it!  ready?  wait for it, suck in your beer gut, hold your breath…

160.0

exactly.

my weight is one thing, my height — quite another.  but anyway!  i feel this will force me to keep it up; if i periodically write updates about my progress.  so, get excited!  your friend audra is about to get more attractive.

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