Category Archives: fashion

style icon thursday: jean patchett

posted by:  audra

what?  i know.  this is a new thing.  i probably won’t keep it up, but i totally should, right?!  you would love that, wouldn’t you!  okay.  here we go, kids…

i just now discovered 1950’s model jean patchett whilst skimming a layout in the may issue of vogue the other week.  natalia vodianova did a spread, portraying legendary fashion models; the photograph she did as jean patchett was so gorgeous that i had to investigate!  and duh, i totally recognized her immediately!  who knew an exotic beauty that stunning would be named something totally dorky sounding?!   in this photograph, she looks identical to a barbie doll my mom passed down to me from when she was young.  she was so gorge with her molded plastic head & three wigs (the barbie, i mean)!  complete with a strapless 1950s black & white striped bathing suit.  sigh!  anyway…

before jean died at the age of 75 of emphysema in 2002, she had graced the covers of over 40 magazines — more than any other fashion model in history — and all before retiring in the 1960s. the amazing irving penn adored her & captured this famous image of her, nibbling on her pearl necklace in a cafe:

isn’t she just so hot?!  god, i’m in love.  it’s really too bad she’s dead, no?  and her waist is ridiculously, impossibly tiny!  i have to stop eating immediately.

i’m totally going to start penciling on a beauty mark like jean’s.  what?  i pencil on my brows, so why not!

the next photograph is jean with ernest hemingway…the one following is with another legendary model i’m currently obsessed with, dovima:

totally.  fucking.  obsessed.   i wish we were bffs!  perhaps i will drag the old ouija board out tonight, just for fun…

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indeed, what WERE they thinking…?!

posted by:  audra

i was milling through an online gossip rag, in the celebrity fashion section.  embarrassing, right?  where the fuck do they find these trolls?!  the critics, i mean.  seriously!  they just don’t know their shit.  at all.  and it got me so worked up & so fucking pissed that i couldn’t handle another second & had to put it to work.  i know it’s not vogue or harper’s…but it still just made me so mad!  let’s look…

exhibit a:  lady gaga.  i’m not wild about her in general, but really admire her fashion courageousness.  she’s always in some costume-y ensemb & almost always looks stunning.  i really liked this one, & the caption on it was this:

“love her or hate her, there’s no denying lady gaga’s unique sense of style. however, in this particular case, unique doesn’t mean fabulous; it means ugly.”

i swear to you, if i owned this dress & it didn’t exacerbate the genetic betrayal that is my legacy…it would be the going-out dress!  the sunglasses are retarded, but the hat & dress are just so. fucking. cute.  love.  i’m just livid they didn’t even mention the designer’s name.  of course!

next!

exhibit b:  madonna in louis vuitton.  i’ve mentioned this one before, and this was actually found in the “worst of the year” section.  it’s green!  feathers!  vuitton!  madonna!  sigh…

exhibit c:  mary-kate olsen.  it’s my girl!  and here they were ragging on her for her “pale skin” & looking like “courtney love”…and i love me some courtney, but this had malicious intent.  that’s two fucking blows to my heart in one photo!  m-k looks so amazing here…and her pale skin?  it’s healthy & not sun-damaged or spray-tanned!  gross!  stop doing that, you guys!  pasty is tasty!

exhibit d:  rachel bilson.  delicious.  i love her…so gorgeous.  in this one they couldn’t stop ragging on her “hiding her frame under a foul phillip lim creation” & “clunky christian louboutin booties”.  ten bucks says that if she would’ve been wearing something form-fitting or whatever, they would have said she should…you know, “eat something”…  sigh!

exhibit e:  drew barrymore.  here she’s at the premiere of the grey gardens remake.  i hate drew.  i really, really do…but she looks really film-appropriate here, don’t you think?   never mind the horrendously awful little edie portrayal she did…the dress & hairpiece are lovely.  edie would’ve loved it, too!

exhibit f:  bobby trendy.  say yes for pink!  he’s obnoxious, but i adore him.  and admire anyone who would wear this out.  fucking rad!

exhibit f:  kat von d.  love!  so fucking hot:  she wears tons of makeup, has tons of tattoos, wears mostly black & is terribly good-looking.  what is not to love?!  this website in question called her an “exhibitionist” & told her to “put her shirt back on”.  and then! one asshole made this comment on the photo:  “i love her too but she is getting a little chubby and needs to give up those pants!”  for real!  god, i hate people.

there.  i feel much better now.  it’s just all very frustrating…  whilst watching red carpet events on the telly, celebrities get ragged on for looking boring like this…but chastised when taking fashion risks like this.  so exhausting!  wear what you want, my little fashion tartlettes!  and for god’s sake, if you see a fashion blogger who rips apart my dita like this…turn your christian lacroix’d ass around & head the other direction.  good night.

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no need to slit your wrists just yet…

posted by:  audra

how is it that you’ve been able to carry on?!  seriously, we’ve been super-lazy & really uninspired lately…combine that with being busy, & then a whole stream of unfortunate events…well, it just leads to lameness.

but fret no more.

i have news.  sort of. well, at least i have something moderately entertaining to talk about…?

following what could have possibly been one of the more poor quality weeks i’ve had in awhile, i get a speeding ticket on my way into work friday.   my driving record is clean, & was only following the flow of traffic at 70 mph in a 55 zone.  big fucking deal, yeah?  oh, this cop was quite the  ass!  he was short, really, really unattractive, pudgy, & had a real attitude on him.  i believe it was his personal mish to ruin some swell girl’s friday…even though he told me to ‘have a nice day’.

wait–i should’ve prefaced the story a little better:  i was feeling like such a bad person last friday, that i gave money to a homeless lady i see on the freeway ramp all the time.  if she were to clean up a spot, i think she’d make a damn fine dame judy dench stunt double!  anyway, i just needed something to make me feel better…even if it was supporting her meth habit.  so i did something nice, & was expecting karma to reciprocate the generosity, & went about my way.

but that didn’t happen.

fuck you, officer douche bag!  you’re a dick & you successfully ruined my friday.  i hope you’re happy & i hope you went home to find that someone has sewn rotting sardines into all your draperies.  have a nice day.  next!

but wait again–it gets better!  saturday sam & i went out to see some friends we haven’t seen in like, 4 years.  we get drinks, giggle uncontrollably & fun ensues.  i had maybe 4 or 5 ketel martinis.  extra dry, please, & keep it clean…a martini is the only thing i don’t like dirty.  i haven’t had any hard liquor in some time, & had actually stopped drinking it in favor of beer or wine, because i tend to get a wee bit too tipsy.  you see, good vodka tastes like water & i really, really like water.

the 7 of us pile into a cab & we head to a show down the way.  i’m sitting in the very back, so i’m last to get out.  apparently, i’m way excited to get into another bar & get myself a drink, so i step a little hastily out onto the little running board (or whatever).  whoopsies!  i start to fall (but not all the way down this time, thanks baby jesus).  someone catches me (i’m still unclear who, but thank you…justin?!).  i blurt out something like, “oh my god!  i’m totally not that drunk, i swear!  my heel got caug….”

someone (again, not sure who…it’s all a blur from the trauma) says to me that my heel has broken off.  what?

not just any heel.

my favorite-favorite red marc jacobs heels, peep toe, nearly mint condition, never had a scratch or had to get them resoled, deliciously tall towers of shoe perfection.

broken.

even the pad on the heel came off!  of course, instead of just taking off my shoes like any normal person would do, i walked tall & acted like nothing had happened.  i think i pulled it off pretty well…but i did have to hobble just a little bit…and fill every single bar patron in on my ordeal.  strangers even — the bartender, a plastic surgeon, a cute boy named garrett…

it was rough, but i made it through the evening.  i have to say, once we got back to the car, it made it easier to drive not having a heel on my right foot.  i was still upset though.  what’s a girl to do?

vintage shopping!  sunday afternoon sam & i dragged ourselves out of  hangover hideaway & went to my favorite vintage store.  i had a good feeling about this trip, because just friday night i dreamt that i went a’vintaging & found loads & loads of amazing stuff.   well kids, i didn’t find loads of amazing stuff…but what i did find were these things:

  • handbag i wanted in december.  it’s super cute, a bit too small for me, but 1950s flat flip top handbag with a mirror inside.  the reasons i didn’t buy it were that it’s a little beat up, & the mirror is unglued.  they still had it.  i almost bought it.  almost.  i couldn’t deal with the disintegrating leather.
  • blue & black striped jumpsuit, satin, circa 1985.  so rad!  i decided against it though.  really, how many times can you be seen in something like that?
  • black 1960s audrey hepburn-esque sleeveless cocktail dress.  super cute & doesn’t exacerbate my extra cushioning too much.  i actually bought this one.
  • tab hunter on vinyl.  i think this one speaks for itself.
  • super rad vintage ruched clutch, black leather, 1980s.  it’s tiny & awesome & looks like something lorna doom would carry.  i love it & am wringing my hands bloody in anticipation for wearing it out.
  • ready?  okay.  i found the raddest 1960s fetish stilettos.  i tried just one on in the store, & had to have them!  black patent deliciousness.  obscenely tall…they put all my other heels to shame.  i measured.  6″(!).  sixxx inchesss.    that means that when i put them on, it makes me nearly 6’0” tall…except i can’t stand in them.  they are literally so fucking tall that i can’t straighten my knees.  if they had some sort of platform on them, they would totally be more wearable, but they don’t.  so, they either become sitting-shoes or sex-shoes.  i’m cool with either.

here are the shoes…i know you’re dying to see them!  i swear on chanel, they don’t look half as tall in the photograph as they are in person.  trust me.  i know tall shoes & can walk in them better than flats.

jealous yet?  you should be.  sam & i then went out for yet more ketel martinis & beer & wreaked havoc at the porn store.  i needed something to go with my shoes, of course.

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my new crush!

posted by:  audra

ladies & gentlemen:  pam hogg.

why is it that i’m just now discovering her?!  i was milling about, reading the news, looking at parties & such.  at first i was sucked in due to all the kate moss appearances, but this little pam treat was in at least half of the photographs from london’s fashion week party.  and then something magical happened:  here she is hanging out with kate moss & jamie hince!  my dream threesome couple.  yum.  i just want to get them all roofied up, turn out the lights & roll around in a cloud of cool with them.  take a look:

so glamorous…edgy…dirty…all the good bits.   man…i bet i could play some mean dress-up with pam!  i mean, we look practically identical.  she is a fashion designer from the u.k., as well as a musician…and she’s bffs with siouxsie sioux & alison mosshart.  she’s just that fucking rad.   sigh!  pamcakes is totally going to be my next stalking victim, right after i’m able to kidnap m-k & make her love me.  want to know more?  of course you do!   but i’m too lazy to type it out right now.  just go here & here…and maybe here, too.  enjoy.  you’re welcome.

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couture bag lady meets headgear extravaganza

posted by:  audra

okay, audra, becoolbecoolbecool…

you guys ready to lose your shit?!  never mind the crappy perez hilton-esque art i’ve created, but alex was just screaming for a heart to be drawn around him!  i just saw the new alexander mcqueen fall 2009 runway collection… & there just are no words to describe how amazing this stuff is.  okay, maybe a few.  houndstooth.  houndstooth!!  and lots of it!  blacks!  reds!  big hats!  gothic!  big, fat, wax-like lips!  birds!  feathers!  flocking together!  ridiculous hats!  models without eyebrows!

…and i can’t help but think that the hats he designed are a sweet little nod to my idol, isabella blow.  she discovered alex, you know!

ready, kids?!  brace yourselves…you may need to run & grab a towel right quick…your knickers will experience dampness…in fact, you might just come in your panties:

while you’re all in a fashion-tizzy, get your lube ready & watch this.  it’s like fashion porn!  awesome!  and there’s even mention of edie beale.  shit, i think my head may explode.  isn’t this stuff just so fucking rad you can barely stand it?!  oh…it makes my chest feel like hot cherry pie…& then i think of the smell of brand new plastic beach balls & realize that not every single person on earth is a complete moron.  thank you, alex!  i heart you real hard.

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it’s menswear review time again!

posted by:  audra

it doesn’t take much effort!  really!  a tailored coat, some trousers, a scarf maybe if you’re feeling fancy…and a fucking razor blade to the face!  seriously, living in portland – aka the ‘beardiest city’ in the states – i’ve come to loathe facial hair.  okay, a little 5 o’clock shadow is nice.  i like that.  wait–i actually prefer that to a bare face.  but i’m so sick of beards & mustaches & chops i could just die! and the flannel.  for god’s sake, you’re just reinforcing a gross northwest stereotype!

look at these gentlemen.  they look clean.  and i bet they smell good, too.  maybe they won’t buy me a hot dog at the 7-eleven or a pbr at some little sticky dive bar…but damn, are they delicious! a bit preppy, but nice & polished nonetheless:

those little treats there are from the moschino fall 2009 menswear line.  like i said before, they’re a little preppy & such…but they look a bit old-britain as well…and we all know how i love british boys!

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oh. my. god.

posted by:  audra

mko for interview magazinesam was watching the news the other night, & scurried in to tell me to google mary-kate’s interview magazine spread for march.  anyone else but m-k, & i probably would have finished what i was doing first…but for her, everything stops.

christopher bollen interviews the better olsen twin in the march issue of interview.   i’m so, so excited for this…the photographs look amazing.  can she look any hotter?  really?  all pasty & tasty with her platinum blonde hair & smoky eye-makeup…?  sigh!  i just want to snap off her little bony fingers & eat them one by one whilst stroking her big head & gazing into her gigantic elfin eyes.  so delicious:

the wordpress police wouldn’t let me post the video of the photoshoot, & i think interview has already taken it down anyway… but you should take but a second to skim part of the interview here.  so good.  you won’t be sorry.  i promise! oh, and p.s…  remember when i was fretting about m-k being pregnant, months ago?  i’m so, so relieved those rumors proved to be false.  it looks like she slimmed down some, too.  thank heavens.

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zac posen deliciousness

posted by:  audra

i was just milling around the other day, looking at various older couture collections, & settled in on zac posen.  i’ve adored zac from the very beginning…even though we’re exactly the same age & he makes me feel like a gigantic underachiever…but i fell in love with his fall 2008 rtw collection, & i’m pretty sure he had me in mind when he designed it; it’s quite delicious, as well as the models he chose…karen elson, jessica stam, coco rocha & agyness deyn!?  all at once?  sigh…

you can view the collection in its entirety here.

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i lv madonna

posted by:  audra

whilst standing in line at the whole foods the other day, i was perusing the magazine display like i normally would.  then in a moment of sheer panic, i spotted the february issue of vogue; i’d let my subscription expire.  shame.  it’s likely the first issue i’ve missed since i was 17.

of course i bought a copy, & i’m so happy i did…  inside the cover are these gorgeous, dare i say immaculate photographs of madonna she did for the new louis vuitton ads.  they’re set in what looks to me like a smoky little french bar with checkered floors & cafe chairs.  and she’s wearing fishnet tights.  what is not to love?

i had to hunt down some photographs to post for you, & in doing so i came across this article from the daily mail.  normally i love this british gossip rag, but it made me so pissed that i may have lost all my love & devotion for them.  you can read the whole mess in it’s entirety for yourself, but just some snippets from it say that she should ‘put it away’ and that she ‘strikes raunchiest pose ever’.  and that’s just the headline.

what the fuck?!  these are tasteful, sexy & very covered up, in my opinion.  they went on to say that they ‘seemed more lad’s mag than high fashion’.  jesus.  really?  they even said the older she gets ‘the more skin she insists on revealing’. hmm, well there’s hardly any skin revealed in these shots, so whatever.  i love them.  i love her.  fuck the daily mail.

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john galliano may be cooler than kim deal

posted by:  audra

i realize everyone’s probably getting sick of fashion posts…even i am just a little bit…but sometimes it’s just too good to pass up, right?  anyway, i haven’t even been at home on the weekends long enough to turn on the oven.  what’s a girl to do?  i’m pulling a warhol:  it’s easy.  fashiony things are easy.  something food related next week.  i promise.  in the meantime…

christian dior spring 2009 couture collection.  so gorge.  bless john galliano!  he’s been the grands couturier for dior since 1996.  i love dior, & i’ve been obsessed with john galliano since i was about 12 after watching him on fashion televison.  my mom gave me an exquisite[ly big] book on christian dior’s early work for christmas, & this stuff galliano designed looks a lot like the young material dior was churning out in the late 1940s.  i love them.  so glamorous, regal…and prommy — in a good way.  there are belts cinched in at the (real) waist; i live for these.  there are yards & yards of silky, delicious fabrics.  and there are hats.  big, gaudy, glamorous hats…with crimped hair! a-fucking-men.  i’m heating up my crimper right this very second…

i love this one; very modern technicolor eye with the crimped hair, but sort of 1800’s victorian inspired gown.  so pretty:

if i had to get married over again & had an extra hundred grand or so lying about, dying to be spent, this is what i would wear:

loves this.  i wanna wear it to the orangette book signing:

i just love the color of this, even if the shape wasn’t as amazing at it is…someday i will have walls this color:

i’m not even that wild about blue, especially a blue this shade, but i think this is so lovely:

i want this; i’d totally wear it to work:

there.  i think i’m runway’d out for now(!).  food.  next week.  i promise.

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