Category Archives: fashion

style icon: dita von teese

posted by:  audra

well, you all should know by now that i absolutely adore dita.  the queen of burlesque.  i love her so, so much that i would happily skin her alive & fucking wear her.  i daydream about it quite frequently, in fact.  always clad in vintage-y garb, pretty lingerie & flawless makeup, she’s quite possibly my number one style icon.

come love her with me, my dirty little piglets!  today we’ll be delving deep inside dita.  oooh, good title for a porn, don’t you think?!

ms. dita von teese was actually born on september 28, 1972 as heather renee sweet in rochester, michigan.  her mum, a manicurist, was super-into old hollywood glamour & screen actresses of the 1940s…which, in turn, rubbed off on dita when she was a little girl.  of course, when dita was older, she became obsessed with vintage glam:  red lippy, finger-waves, corsets & stockings.

at a young age, dita trained as a ballerina until she was 15; when she became a stripper at 18, dita would incorporate her ballet skillz into her performances.  she thought that the typical dancer’s routines were dull & such, so she created her own — complete with seamed stockings, a basque, hair done up in a beehive & long gloves.  delicious.

soon after the stripping gig, she began fetish modeling…and amid my investigation work on wikipedia, i learned this:

Through the wearing of a corset for many years, she had reduced her natural waistline to 22 inches and can be laced down as far as 16.5 inches.

um…why haven’t i tried this yet?!  amazing.  anyway, then came the playboy layouts & the famous burlesque shows to follow.  more recently, she’s done modeling for my bffs jean paul gaultier, heatherette & vivs westwood & is a spokesmodel for mac cosmetics.  of course!  hearts.

as if that weren’t enough to make me want to eat her [out], i read this little nugget:

“The one time I hired a stylist, they picked up a pair of my 1940s shoes and said, ‘These would look really cute with jeans.’ I immediately said, ‘You’re out of here.'”

and theeeen…ready?  you’d better pour a drink & sit down for this one: she dyes her blonde hair black, always does her own makeup.  and!  her beauty mark?!  fake! god, it’s like we were separated at birth!  i’ve always felt like i had a sister.  combine that with her love of bondage and her pasty & tasty complexion…?  jesus.  she’s better than huffing sharpie pens.

sweet dita dreams, my sweets.  you’re welcome.

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style icon: dovima

posted by:  audra

get excited, kids!  i’ve been dying to do a bit on another model from the 1950s i’m currently obsessed with:  dovima.  she was born dorothy virginia margaret juba on december 11, 1927 & met her demise at the age of 62 on may 3, 1990 of liver cancer. a sagittarius!  of course!  and liver cancer?  that tells me she was likely a heavy drinker & smoker.  more sighs…  anyway, already nicknamed ‘doe’, she would later be known as ‘dovima’; a name she had for an imaginary friend as a child.  i read someplace that she created the name from ‘do’ for dorothy, ‘vi’ for victory, and ‘ma’ for her ma…but clearly she chose ‘dovima’ from taking the first two letters of her first & middle names (dorothy virginia margaret…obvs!).  well, either way, what a clever little cunt!

anyway, dovima came down with a pesky little thing called rheumatic fever at a tender young age.  typical treatment for rheumatic fever — and i should know; my mother had it when she was young, too — is lots & lots of bedrest…like, months at a time.  her doctor suggested a year, but her crazily over-protective mum made it something like seven years at home.  seven!  of course she would have an imaginary friend!  i had imaginary friends too…but looking back on it now, i’m pretty sure our house was just haunted.  anyway…again, moving on…

the short version…  she was trolliping down the sidewalk in nyc one day & was discovered by a vogue editor.  the very next day she had a photoshoot with jean patchett’s bff, irving penn(!).  soon she was wearing dior & balenciaga gowns on the covers of vogue & bazaar.

she retired in 1959 because she “…didn’t want to wait until the camera turned cruel.”  smart woman.  she spent all of her modeling money  (okay, does anyone else notice how uncannily alike we are?!  except for the catholic part, we’re practically twins!  i’m now convinced that i’m the shorter, stockier reincarnation of doe.  yes!), so she worked for awhile doing spokeswoman stuff & television spots.  in the seventies, she ended up hosting at restaurants & selling makeup.  fuck, i am really in for it!

during this time, dovima met the love of her life, casper west hollingsworth — a bartender — & was very happily married to him for only three years before west kicked the bucket.

i read that in 1984, she started hosting at the two guys pizzeria for some time…although two guys’ website says they’ve been around since 1988…hmm…curious…but on her ‘has been’ status, in 1987 she said:

“The only ‘has been’ is one who has been. You have to Have Been in order to be a has been.”

again with the clever cuntiness!  brilliant.  other dovima trivia to impress your friends with:  she was a comic book aficianado, a battered-wife of two abusive husbands, a dovout catholic (eek!), had a cameo in funny face with audrey hepburn & was the highest paid model of her time…at 75 bucks an hour.

okay.  enough of my yammering…

so, i totally don’t remember her part in funny face.  at all.  buuut, in my defense, i think i was like 8 when i last watched it!  i’m on it though…i’ll view it again very, very soon…if only for dovima; i rather hate musicals.  doesn’t she just make you wanna line your eyes, put on some red lippy & play dress-up?!  guess what i’m doing tonight…?!

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style icon thursday: peggy bundy

posted by:  audra

yes!  peg bundy!  i was up real late one night watching the telly & happened upon married with children.  i did sort of miss the show…but most of all i rediscovered peggy bundy & how awesomely rad her style was.

kitschy, 1960’s-inspired housewife-sexy.  that’s what we’ll call it.  i love that she shamelessly always wore super-tight clothing & lots & lots of animal print.  always super-tall heels.  teased hair (yet another reason to get bumpits!).   over-accessorized.  belt cinched in at the waist.  sigh!  super rad, right?!

peg also lived a luxuriously leisure lifestyle; lying about on the couch all day whilst snacking on chocolates, smoking, watching television, sponging money off of her husband…really, those are the things we all lust for at one time or another.

finding decent photographs was challenging — mostly just production stills — but i’m sure these will suffice! take notes, my tacky little skin-tight leopard print wearing, money-grubbing tartlettes…take notes.

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style icon thursday: jean patchett

posted by:  audra

what?  i know.  this is a new thing.  i probably won’t keep it up, but i totally should, right?!  you would love that, wouldn’t you!  okay.  here we go, kids…

i just now discovered 1950’s model jean patchett whilst skimming a layout in the may issue of vogue the other week.  natalia vodianova did a spread, portraying legendary fashion models; the photograph she did as jean patchett was so gorgeous that i had to investigate!  and duh, i totally recognized her immediately!  who knew an exotic beauty that stunning would be named something totally dorky sounding?!   in this photograph, she looks identical to a barbie doll my mom passed down to me from when she was young.  she was so gorge with her molded plastic head & three wigs (the barbie, i mean)!  complete with a strapless 1950s black & white striped bathing suit.  sigh!  anyway…

before jean died at the age of 75 of emphysema in 2002, she had graced the covers of over 40 magazines — more than any other fashion model in history — and all before retiring in the 1960s. the amazing irving penn adored her & captured this famous image of her, nibbling on her pearl necklace in a cafe:

isn’t she just so hot?!  god, i’m in love.  it’s really too bad she’s dead, no?  and her waist is ridiculously, impossibly tiny!  i have to stop eating immediately.

i’m totally going to start penciling on a beauty mark like jean’s.  what?  i pencil on my brows, so why not!

the next photograph is jean with ernest hemingway…the one following is with another legendary model i’m currently obsessed with, dovima:

totally.  fucking.  obsessed.   i wish we were bffs!  perhaps i will drag the old ouija board out tonight, just for fun…

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indeed, what WERE they thinking…?!

posted by:  audra

i was milling through an online gossip rag, in the celebrity fashion section.  embarrassing, right?  where the fuck do they find these trolls?!  the critics, i mean.  seriously!  they just don’t know their shit.  at all.  and it got me so worked up & so fucking pissed that i couldn’t handle another second & had to put it to work.  i know it’s not vogue or harper’s…but it still just made me so mad!  let’s look…

exhibit a:  lady gaga.  i’m not wild about her in general, but really admire her fashion courageousness.  she’s always in some costume-y ensemb & almost always looks stunning.  i really liked this one, & the caption on it was this:

“love her or hate her, there’s no denying lady gaga’s unique sense of style. however, in this particular case, unique doesn’t mean fabulous; it means ugly.”

i swear to you, if i owned this dress & it didn’t exacerbate the genetic betrayal that is my legacy…it would be the going-out dress!  the sunglasses are retarded, but the hat & dress are just so. fucking. cute.  love.  i’m just livid they didn’t even mention the designer’s name.  of course!

next!

exhibit b:  madonna in louis vuitton.  i’ve mentioned this one before, and this was actually found in the “worst of the year” section.  it’s green!  feathers!  vuitton!  madonna!  sigh…

exhibit c:  mary-kate olsen.  it’s my girl!  and here they were ragging on her for her “pale skin” & looking like “courtney love”…and i love me some courtney, but this had malicious intent.  that’s two fucking blows to my heart in one photo!  m-k looks so amazing here…and her pale skin?  it’s healthy & not sun-damaged or spray-tanned!  gross!  stop doing that, you guys!  pasty is tasty!

exhibit d:  rachel bilson.  delicious.  i love her…so gorgeous.  in this one they couldn’t stop ragging on her “hiding her frame under a foul phillip lim creation” & “clunky christian louboutin booties”.  ten bucks says that if she would’ve been wearing something form-fitting or whatever, they would have said she should…you know, “eat something”…  sigh!

exhibit e:  drew barrymore.  here she’s at the premiere of the grey gardens remake.  i hate drew.  i really, really do…but she looks really film-appropriate here, don’t you think?   never mind the horrendously awful little edie portrayal she did…the dress & hairpiece are lovely.  edie would’ve loved it, too!

exhibit f:  bobby trendy.  say yes for pink!  he’s obnoxious, but i adore him.  and admire anyone who would wear this out.  fucking rad!

exhibit f:  kat von d.  love!  so fucking hot:  she wears tons of makeup, has tons of tattoos, wears mostly black & is terribly good-looking.  what is not to love?!  this website in question called her an “exhibitionist” & told her to “put her shirt back on”.  and then! one asshole made this comment on the photo:  “i love her too but she is getting a little chubby and needs to give up those pants!”  for real!  god, i hate people.

there.  i feel much better now.  it’s just all very frustrating…  whilst watching red carpet events on the telly, celebrities get ragged on for looking boring like this…but chastised when taking fashion risks like this.  so exhausting!  wear what you want, my little fashion tartlettes!  and for god’s sake, if you see a fashion blogger who rips apart my dita like this…turn your christian lacroix’d ass around & head the other direction.  good night.

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no need to slit your wrists just yet…

posted by:  audra

how is it that you’ve been able to carry on?!  seriously, we’ve been super-lazy & really uninspired lately…combine that with being busy, & then a whole stream of unfortunate events…well, it just leads to lameness.

but fret no more.

i have news.  sort of. well, at least i have something moderately entertaining to talk about…?

following what could have possibly been one of the more poor quality weeks i’ve had in awhile, i get a speeding ticket on my way into work friday.   my driving record is clean, & was only following the flow of traffic at 70 mph in a 55 zone.  big fucking deal, yeah?  oh, this cop was quite the  ass!  he was short, really, really unattractive, pudgy, & had a real attitude on him.  i believe it was his personal mish to ruin some swell girl’s friday…even though he told me to ‘have a nice day’.

wait–i should’ve prefaced the story a little better:  i was feeling like such a bad person last friday, that i gave money to a homeless lady i see on the freeway ramp all the time.  if she were to clean up a spot, i think she’d make a damn fine dame judy dench stunt double!  anyway, i just needed something to make me feel better…even if it was supporting her meth habit.  so i did something nice, & was expecting karma to reciprocate the generosity, & went about my way.

but that didn’t happen.

fuck you, officer douche bag!  you’re a dick & you successfully ruined my friday.  i hope you’re happy & i hope you went home to find that someone has sewn rotting sardines into all your draperies.  have a nice day.  next!

but wait again–it gets better!  saturday sam & i went out to see some friends we haven’t seen in like, 4 years.  we get drinks, giggle uncontrollably & fun ensues.  i had maybe 4 or 5 ketel martinis.  extra dry, please, & keep it clean…a martini is the only thing i don’t like dirty.  i haven’t had any hard liquor in some time, & had actually stopped drinking it in favor of beer or wine, because i tend to get a wee bit too tipsy.  you see, good vodka tastes like water & i really, really like water.

the 7 of us pile into a cab & we head to a show down the way.  i’m sitting in the very back, so i’m last to get out.  apparently, i’m way excited to get into another bar & get myself a drink, so i step a little hastily out onto the little running board (or whatever).  whoopsies!  i start to fall (but not all the way down this time, thanks baby jesus).  someone catches me (i’m still unclear who, but thank you…justin?!).  i blurt out something like, “oh my god!  i’m totally not that drunk, i swear!  my heel got caug….”

someone (again, not sure who…it’s all a blur from the trauma) says to me that my heel has broken off.  what?

not just any heel.

my favorite-favorite red marc jacobs heels, peep toe, nearly mint condition, never had a scratch or had to get them resoled, deliciously tall towers of shoe perfection.

broken.

even the pad on the heel came off!  of course, instead of just taking off my shoes like any normal person would do, i walked tall & acted like nothing had happened.  i think i pulled it off pretty well…but i did have to hobble just a little bit…and fill every single bar patron in on my ordeal.  strangers even — the bartender, a plastic surgeon, a cute boy named garrett…

it was rough, but i made it through the evening.  i have to say, once we got back to the car, it made it easier to drive not having a heel on my right foot.  i was still upset though.  what’s a girl to do?

vintage shopping!  sunday afternoon sam & i dragged ourselves out of  hangover hideaway & went to my favorite vintage store.  i had a good feeling about this trip, because just friday night i dreamt that i went a’vintaging & found loads & loads of amazing stuff.   well kids, i didn’t find loads of amazing stuff…but what i did find were these things:

  • handbag i wanted in december.  it’s super cute, a bit too small for me, but 1950s flat flip top handbag with a mirror inside.  the reasons i didn’t buy it were that it’s a little beat up, & the mirror is unglued.  they still had it.  i almost bought it.  almost.  i couldn’t deal with the disintegrating leather.
  • blue & black striped jumpsuit, satin, circa 1985.  so rad!  i decided against it though.  really, how many times can you be seen in something like that?
  • black 1960s audrey hepburn-esque sleeveless cocktail dress.  super cute & doesn’t exacerbate my extra cushioning too much.  i actually bought this one.
  • tab hunter on vinyl.  i think this one speaks for itself.
  • super rad vintage ruched clutch, black leather, 1980s.  it’s tiny & awesome & looks like something lorna doom would carry.  i love it & am wringing my hands bloody in anticipation for wearing it out.
  • ready?  okay.  i found the raddest 1960s fetish stilettos.  i tried just one on in the store, & had to have them!  black patent deliciousness.  obscenely tall…they put all my other heels to shame.  i measured.  6″(!).  sixxx inchesss.    that means that when i put them on, it makes me nearly 6’0” tall…except i can’t stand in them.  they are literally so fucking tall that i can’t straighten my knees.  if they had some sort of platform on them, they would totally be more wearable, but they don’t.  so, they either become sitting-shoes or sex-shoes.  i’m cool with either.

here are the shoes…i know you’re dying to see them!  i swear on chanel, they don’t look half as tall in the photograph as they are in person.  trust me.  i know tall shoes & can walk in them better than flats.

jealous yet?  you should be.  sam & i then went out for yet more ketel martinis & beer & wreaked havoc at the porn store.  i needed something to go with my shoes, of course.

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my new crush!

posted by:  audra

ladies & gentlemen:  pam hogg.

why is it that i’m just now discovering her?!  i was milling about, reading the news, looking at parties & such.  at first i was sucked in due to all the kate moss appearances, but this little pam treat was in at least half of the photographs from london’s fashion week party.  and then something magical happened:  here she is hanging out with kate moss & jamie hince!  my dream threesome couple.  yum.  i just want to get them all roofied up, turn out the lights & roll around in a cloud of cool with them.  take a look:

so glamorous…edgy…dirty…all the good bits.   man…i bet i could play some mean dress-up with pam!  i mean, we look practically identical.  she is a fashion designer from the u.k., as well as a musician…and she’s bffs with siouxsie sioux & alison mosshart.  she’s just that fucking rad.   sigh!  pamcakes is totally going to be my next stalking victim, right after i’m able to kidnap m-k & make her love me.  want to know more?  of course you do!   but i’m too lazy to type it out right now.  just go here & here…and maybe here, too.  enjoy.  you’re welcome.

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