Category Archives: Diary

vadge of honor

posted by:  audra

sigh…oh my god, you guys!  we’ve been so lame.  i think about blogging every day & nothing comes.  nothing!  i knew that bitching about broken shoes & such would get old.  and whilst i can’t think of anything remotely interesting & exciting that’s happened over the last week worth a blog post, i do have some  news, but nothing terribly  interesting & exciting.  …but i do promise you that sam is working on a most epic return, & it may even be a two or three-parter!  get excited!

actually, i take that back.  whilst i don’t have anything pretty, witty or gay to report, there has been some somewhat-exciting things happening.   here’s the first story:

i went to the gynecologist last-last tuesday.  a trip i’ve been dreading for years.   as much as i wanted to postpone it yet another five years, i think one more 14-day, bleeding-like-a-quintuplet-miscarriage-complete-with-excruciating-cramps-period would kill me.

so, i went doctor-shopping.  this was in april.  i picked one out: dr. stella.  she was young, but not too young, probably indian…red dot indian, not feather indian…and i liked her name; it made me think of perfume, beer & the band stellastarr*.   how bad can she be?!

when i went to make the appointment, dr. stella was not available…unless i wanted to wait six months…but i could certainly make an appointment with a mid-wife (dr. susan), if that was alright, but it would still be several weeks before i could get in.  sigh.  okay.  fine.

i looked at this one’s profile & she seemed nice.  husky, older, short hair…like she’d come home to her girlfriend named bo, fixing the roof while dr. susan was busy rooting around in vadges all day long.  dr. susan.  yes.  she would be mine.

when i arrived at the vagina doctor’s place on tuesday, i wasn’t impressed.  children everywhere, fat, unattractive pregnant women in sweatpants with hair like top ramen…god, it was terrible.  there was one “gentleman” wearing carhartt pants and these huge, black work-boots, which were unlaced of course.  his little boy ran, screaming towards me when i checked in at the front desk.  this horrified me, and i glared at the child.  the receptionist thought this was cute, & giggled.  as if every child who lets out a bloodcurdling screech at complete strangers is adorable.

this event is followed by, “oh, i’m sorry…dr. susan called in sick today!  we’ll have you with dr. oldpants, if that’s okay!  we’re transferring all of dr. susan’s patients over to dr. oldpants today!”

i sighed heavily, to let her know this is not okay, but said, “alright.  that’s fine.”  then she turned to her side, mumbling, “oh, there was supposed to be a new patient questionaire to fill out.  hmm.  not sure where it went.  oh well, just have a seat!”

sam & i had a “seat” on the gross chairs in the waiting area, probably teeming with child-bacteria.  and waited.  and waited.  i was told to arrive 20 minutes early in order to fill out the little questionnaire thingy, & so now i’m just wasting my time.  i could have slept an extra 20 minutes or even a half an hour.  don’t they have extra forms someplace?  one would think!

finally, after nearly 25 minutes of waiting, i hear something that resembles my name being called.  a short, thin, asian woman with shoulder length hair scans the room behind one of the partitions.  me, being short as well, is unseen behind said partition, even in heels.  so she keeps looking for me, “audwa?  audwa…?”

her name is trang.

totally really fucking annoyed at this point, i make it into the height/weight portion with trang.  she seems nice.  i notice that one of her eyes is lazy, and the lid is bulging, like a bee-sting.  i thought for a second that she indeed might have been stung by a bee, but later determined that she’s like that all the time.

she takes my blood pressure & pulse.  “oh, you berry nerbous to-day!”

of course i’m nervous.  but i’m mildly excited to meet this new, exotic, substitute doctor.  will she be pretty?  will she have a red dot on her forehead like dr. stella?

as soon as trang is through with asking me how much i drink & smoke, and how often i bleed buckets of blood, everything will be okay & my new doctor will arrive.  i’ll be in & out in minutes.

trang hands me a scratchy cape thing with a terrible pattern on it & says, “ebryting off!  doctor will be in berry soon.”  i thank her, and she exits.  curiously, the first place i start sweating when i nervous is the inner thighs.  it’s gross & it’s a curse.  so now i’m really freaking out.  pretty dr. mystery will completely recoil in disgust at my sweaty thighs & vadge, declaring she can’t possibly go any further unless i take a cold shower.  as soon as i got the little smock-cape thing on, i mopped up any suspicious sweat emanating from my body with the flowing skirt part.

a little rap at the door & someone steps in behind the curtain.  it was a really close call on the sweat-mopping situation.  THAT would have been really embarrassing.  i say a hello, and an odd looking old man in a white jacket appears.  fuck.  a man.

this is the moment i name him dr. oldpants.  a skanky female, probably 22 or 23, followed him in to watch, in case he’s super-friendly with the patients.

while i may have an inappropriate pipe dream about a super-sexy gynecologist giving me a thorough breast exam before burying his head between my thighs, i don’t really want it to happen.  i mean, come on!  especially when this guy comes in & is a total troll.  i may have to switch up my little chimera to be a dentist.  i’m ruined on gynos now.  but wouldn’t it be just as bad if he were super-hot?  i’d rather have an unattractive gynecologist than an attractive one…wouldn’t you?  god, what if lou pucci walked in with his white jacket & skinny jeans & stuck his speculum in my business & saw that i was wet?!  how fucking embarrassing!

anyway, what the fuck do men know about vadges anyway?  they could have all the schooling in the world, but still never really know what it’s like to have one.  you know?

i’m absolutely horrified & pissed.  clearly, had i wanted a male doctor, i would have requested one.  this isn’t really something you can just change, whenever, without proper notification, don’t you think?  right off the bat, i concluded that this guy is a real loser, with no sense of humor.  for example, when he asked me if i bruise easily, i said, “hmm…i don’t know…kind of?  i mean, not really…but i’m always kinda bruised up.  i mean, i am clumsy!”  and then i laughed nervously while he stared at me blankly, almost frowning, & scribbled something onto my chart.  my comment wasn’t funny, nor was it meant to be any sort of punchline, but a normal person would have given a polite smirk, or at least a knowing smile.  jesus!

skanky assistant leaves & trang is once again in the room with me & dr. oldpants, which was a little comforting.

i had juuust  gotten cozied into the stirrups when i blurted out that i was sorry if he’s offended, but i was totally expecting a woman.  of course, both trang & dr. oldpants freeze & stop what they’re doing, apologizing profusely.  trang is really upset by this, i can tell.  “oh my gosh, i so soddy!  i thought they toldoo?!”  i told her that indeed they had mentioned i would be seeing a different doctor…but wasn’t informed that this was a male doctor.  “oh, yoo want to reschedge-ull?”

she felt terrible.  i told them to just continue so i could get it over with.  of course, this whole conversation taking place with spread knees in the air, my special lady bits on public display.  she kept rubbing my shoulder, apologizing under her breath while dr. oldpants was discovering that i have a tipped cervix.  after he told me, “you may have a little spotting after the exam…”, she tucked a pink pantyliner into my hand & winked.  where does she expect me to put that?!, i thought.  didn’t she notice the absence of knickers in my pile of clothes on the chair?

after the examination, i got dressed & met with dr. oldpants in a borrowed office.  dr. stella’s office.   of course.  she wasn’t even there! probably off visiting her cool & pretty sisters in india.

he expressed heavy concern in regards to my obnoxious cunt-problems & asked that i come in for blood work in a week, and then a follow-up with him in a month.  gross.  i wonder if trang will be there?  will she slip me another pink pantyliner? 

the moral of the story, kids, is this:  if you have a super-bloody cunt & things that look like abortions are falling out of your junk, get it checked out!  especially if you’re soaking through a super-plus tampax AND your jeans in less than 20 minutes!  even if the doctor is a total bore, that doesn’t mean he’s a bad doctor!  he might even be good!  do you really want a doctor who monkeys around with you all the time, like sending emails saying, “i’m sorry, but you’re terminally ill with cancer of the uterus.  JK JK JK!!!!  it’s just a yeast infection!  LOL!!”

and there you have it.  take care of your special lady bits.

1 Comment

Filed under Diary

halloween in july & public urination

posted by:  audra

inhale deeply, babycakes!  do you smell that?  yes, that!  it’s sweat!  probably inner-thigh sweat!  and gunpowder!  or whatever the fuck they put into firecrackers!  resonating off of the stupid fucks who still think it’s awesome to be igniting fireworks well after independence day has taken place.  jesus.  i was fucking dying in the heat last week & i hate the fourth of july & i can’t wait for summer to be over already. and i can’t wait for the crumb-snatchers to get back to school.   i mean, jesus christ!  and i really am looking forward to those fall days where the sun is juuust going down at like 6:00 & you need your sweater to carve pumpkin trannies on your patio before watching sorority house massacre (1 or 2…both are excellent) for the fifth time whilst drinking pumpkin beer on the couch.  you know what i mean?  sigh…

you may be surprised to learn that the fourth of july used to be my favorite holiday.  it was.  believe it!  i was young…a tender 17 at best, and lived for it.  you know why?  because it was right in the midst of summer when it starts getting really hot.  the hotter the better, i thought.  god, what a moron i was.  now, if it gets over 70 degrees, i spazz out & develop hives (really!).  but when i was younger, even 98 wasn’t hot enough.

i would lay out in the sun forever…sometimes all day, on the roof.  and sometimes i would purposely burn myself…which wasn’t hard to do anyway, what with my fair, easy-to-burn complexion.  i thought that if i got just a slight burn, that it would make my skin more likely to tan the next time around(?!).  and then i would hit the tanning bed in the evening, just to be sure.  so gross.  it ended up just giving me tons of freckles & prematurely aging skin.  tanning is bad shit, kids!

whoa…what was that all about?!  anyway, your most beloved blog has been neglected as of late.  i’m sorry.  how is it you’ve been able to carry on?!  to satiate you, i’ll give you a few highlights from the recent past…stuff that happened & valuable nuggets of knowledge that i learned:

  • i peed in a cemetery.  i did.  in broad daylight & not even behind a tree.
  • i got drunk in said cemetery.  with my parents.  on courvoisier.  during a memorial service.  in 100 degree heat.  it was awesome.
  • sam & i drunkenly devoured cold fried chicken in my mom & dad’s driveway at midnight on saturday after frenzied, secretive chain-smoking.
  • we discovered we are indeed capable of 3-day benders.
  • surprisingly, the bender & being at my parents house are unrelated.
  • …in one instance, sam & i drank continuously for 25 hours straight.  vodka, beer, tequila and wine.  not one person out of the four of us was sick or fell down.  i’m impressed.
  • i ruined the heel on one of my betsey johnson booties during said bender.
  • i peed outside on a gravel road in the middle of nowhere.  again.  and managed to splatter my shoes.  again.
  • i bought a leopard print handbag with a gold chain at a yard sale for $3. i will probably never use it.
  • i learned that my great-great grandfather was an immigrant from sweden.
  • …and that my great-grandfather only had a 3rd grade education, but was very successful as the head of immigration & naturalization for oregon, washington & idaho.
  • it’s official:  i am allergic to sun.  i sat in the sun two weekends in a row & both times broke out in terrible, itchy welts & hives.  it was gross.  they’re gone now, but the freckles will take years to fade.  damn it.
  • i am on my fourth augusten burroughs book in about a month.  i’m in love with his writing…and i may even say that i like him more than sedaris(!).  i know…blasphemy.  but he’s so fucking amazing & hilarious & tragic.  i can’t believe we’ve owned several of his books for years & are just now cracking open the covers.
  • foreign horror films are a gabillion times better than american horror films, as you learned from watching them, of course.  we just watched a german thriller called antibodies (antikörper) that was over two hours long…and didn’t turn it off.  a lot of blood, a little sex, some pedophilia & plenty of nail-biting scenes.  lovely…just lovely.
  • i have purchased a new journal.  it’s black & looks like a bible, only without words & a cross & a mostly-naked hipster on the cover.  i read through one of my old journals the other night & realized that i’m not bad at writing…at least when i want to be.  i had written some “poetry” that actually kind of blew my mind a little bit!  either way, this new journal will no doubt soon possess some wicked awesome tales to help fill in my memoirs later.  get excited.
  • i’m pretty sure i’ve gained back at least the two pounds i had lost.  i’m afraid to weigh myself.  i’ve consumed nothing but booze, burgers, hot dogs, fried chicken & pizza the past week.  oh, and pigs in a blanket courtesy of the florida room.  how very american of me.

and there you have it!  i think that’s all.  i don’t know about you all, but i plan on milking this 68-degrees-in-july business for as long as i can.  perhaps i’ll pick up some pumpkin beer tonight, pull on a sweater, pretend it’s october & dig out sorority house massacre , just for fun…

2 Comments

Filed under Diary

excess baggage

posted by:  audra

this fucker has let me down.  look at him, so smug with that retarded stephen sprouse graffiti!  but let’s make this snappy; i’m in a big hurry to get drunk before 11 & finish my augusten burroughs trilogy.

so, remember the marc jacobs handbag i purchased last november to reward myself for losing a certain amount of weight, when in actuality i never lost it & purchased the bag anyway?  it’s falling apart.  it is.  the internal stitching is fraying, the straps are peeling & the bottom looks like i’ve dragged it across the parking lot behind slow bar.  which i’ve done with some of my handbags, but never this one.

truthfully, i was never happy with the handbag to begin with.  this could be why she’s turning on me.  i wanted black; she was brown.  ‘bat brown’.  i settled for bat brown because the structure is nice, & there was no black option for that particular bag.  and it has tons of room.  seriously you guys, i could fit at least one premature baby in there…probably two.  twins.  and the latest issue of vogue, along with some lipgloss, a travel umbrella, spare panties just in case, perhaps a midsized perfume, too.  i grew to like her, even though she clashed badly with my reoccurring blackwear.

i noticed the scuffs & scrapes on the bottom & was slightly annoyed, but i let it slide.  then the straps started cracking.  then peeling.  then peeling some more.

i was pissed.  one doesn’t spend nearly five-hundred dollars on a tote to watch it die before her eyes six months later.

i investigated the zappos.com returns & exchange policy yesterday, the place from which bat brown betsey came.   actually, the couture side of zappos from which it was purchased.  it clearly states that for one to receive a refund or exchange, the merchandise must be in new condition, as well as in its original packaging…of which i tossed in a fit of feng shui the night i’d unwrapped it.  so, yesterday i emailed zappos.  and bitched.  nicely.

i told them that i was extremely happy with the bag at first… and that now the straps were falling apart… all that shit.  i may have exaggerated a little, but i shouldn’t have to put up with an mj taking its last breath so soon…especially when it took years of abuse for the heel of my red marc jacobs shoes to break on me.

this is what i got back, less than twenty-four hours later:

“i’m very sorry that the marc jacobs softy tote is not holding up as well as expected.  although the item has been used, we will allow you to return or exchange the bag as a one-time courtesy.”

but wait.  it gets better.

“i have taken the liberty of emailing you a pre-paid ups return label…we will ship the exchange order out right away, before we receive your return.  we only ask that your return order is received within 14 days of the exchange being shipped.”

how easy is that?  amazing customer service.  i’m not even sure if nordstrom would be that courteous.  so this is my very quick zappos plug:  they are awesome & will not let you down like a light tampon on an unexpected heavy day.  believe it!

the return part is set.  the replacement is another story.

i’ve spent hours looking at handbags.  do you know how many hideous bags there are out there?!  hearts, charms, zippers askew…and that’s only the high-end ones.  sigh.  i even considered taking the refund & spending my reimbursement elsewhere.  still, nothing.  well, not nothing–i did find a lovely alexander mcqueen that made my thighs sticky, but it would cost me at least two entire paychecks…which probably isn’t a wise decision.  tempting though.

i’ve decided to go with another jacobs.  i know, i know…it will probably fall apart on me too.  i just love him so much!  and they’re the only ones i like…really!  and, since i am able to return this one after almost seven months of wear in exchange for another, it’s sort of like having the new one for that long & so if it breaks apart like the one before, it’s like i’ve had that one for a year, which is better than six or seven months.  right?  i’ll keep you posted.

2 Comments

Filed under Diary, fashion

bitches saltin’ my game

posted by:  audra

i meant to post something earlier, but i was busy making out with david sedaris…that’s an entirely other post for another day.  get excited.

behold, my pretties — these little dicks are back this season to ruin my life yet again:

you’d think what with the lack of greenery on our third story balcony, that this would not be an ideal dwelling place for little asshole tree frogs.  but! they find their way back every year.  i hate them.  yes, they eat insects.  but, they also eat the pretty ladybugs that i love, and sometimes even buy.  one year, in an effort to exterminate some aphids on my roses organically, i purchased some ladybugs…only to find them being consumed at warp speed by these fucking wicked creatures of skank.

they jump on me.  they mock me whilst i’m sitting on my patio.  they scoff at my attempts to chase them off by tapping my gardening spade on the railing.  they think it’s hilarious!  they do!  they stare me down & i have nightmares about them invading my living space.  true story!  believe it!  my most feared death is that scene in magnolia where all the frogs are falling from the sky.  sweet jesus, that shit is scary:

the other day — sunday i believe — i went out to do some much needed planting on the patio.  i had several basil plants, grasses & such that needed some potting.  so, i put on my hot pink gardening gloves & my sequined patio flats & went to town.

i picked up the crate the basil plants were in.  resting underneath like a sneaky snake was a smug tree frog, just sitting there, waiting for me to piss my knickers upon uncovering it.  it was dark green.  i gasped & shouted at sam to come investigate.  i was pissed because of course this was the vessel i was to use for my basil & i wasn’t about to touch this thing.  sam & i tapped the spade at it.  i flicked dirt on it.  it laughed & jumped a few inches.  i told it to get the fuck off my patio.  i glared at it.  it glared at me.

hours later, i found it hovering in the corner on the railing.  then it moved.  jumped. moved again.  then finally jumped to its death off the balcony.

thank god that was over with, & i wasn’t (entirely) responsible for it.

but!  just when i think it’s safe…?  another one shows up tonight!  its cuter, younger, smaller, hipper version of the one that was here before!  unbelievable.  every year!  i fucking hate it & i hate frogs!  they do not need to be on a third floor balcony when we have acres of green space & wetlands beneath us!  it’s bullshit!   selfish fucks.

Leave a comment

Filed under Diary

some girls are bigger than others

posted by:  audra

okay.  check it:

last night, i did some exercise.

and tonight…?

i did some more.

i have also read an entire book in less than 4 days & started another.

i’m not sure what’s going on with me, but i think it may have something to do with a little mini-mental-meltdown i had on sunday evening.  i’ve realized that i have been lamenting about having a little extra cush on my tush for forever & we’re all way sick of it.  but mostly, i’m pushing thirty & i don’t want to exit my twenties being unhappy with my fat-girl arms.

and i also want to read more because it will make me smarter, wittier, more clever & irresistible to be around.

so there.  everyone wins!  nobody wants to sit next to a dumb, dull fatty.

but wait!  there’s more.  i’ve decided to disclose to you my actual, real, bloody, raw weight.  i’m not a typical girl in never wanting to reveal my weight, but it is a little humiliating to do in public.  i did this to myself!  mama’s lazy & the girl likes to drink.  and sit.  i can’t help it!  ready?  wait for it, suck in your beer gut, hold your breath…

160.0

exactly.

my weight is one thing, my height — quite another.  but anyway!  i feel this will force me to keep it up; if i periodically write updates about my progress.  so, get excited!  your friend audra is about to get more attractive.

Leave a comment

Filed under Diary