miss steaks & other valuable nuggets of knowledge

posted by:  audra

*batteries left in expensive, rarely used vibrators will start oozing toxic acids or whatever into your tool.  be sure to remove the batteries if you plan on stowing your naughty things away for awhile, otherwise you’ll have to toss the entire thing!   you done fucked yourself!

*if you find two used copies of the same hardcover patricia wells cookbook in perfect condition, buy them both!  give one to your mum!

*missing an epi of it’s always sunny in philadephia  is for retards.  what else are you going to talk about at happy hour with your friends?!  don’t you want to impress people with your knowledge of ‘flipadelphia’?!

*parmesan pastry pups at trader joe’s are a delicious, “upscale” alternative to just plain old le pigs in a blanket.  but buyer beware:  they will smell up your house somethin’ awful, & probably give you terrible heartburn, as well as make you burp lit’l smokies burps all night, which is NOT savory.  DO NOT ENTERTAIN WITH THEM!  plan on going home alone on nights like this. 

 

*read her last death  by susanna sonnenberg!  just fucking do it already!  trust me!  it’s amazing!  vogue told me to do it, and i did & i’m better for it!  go!  my review is coming soon…i hope.  we’ll see.  that seems a little too ambitious to me.

  

*when you find out you’re within the top-applicants of some crazy-awesome rad job you want, don’t get too fucking excited!  calm yourself!  don’t spend your future paychecks already!  don’t picture how you’ll tell your loved ones how amazing you are that you now have a really important job!  you’re not that great!  and then  when you find out that you were in the top fucking TWO out of 325 applicants & don’t get that crazy-awesome rad job, you’ll thank me! 

 

*so, when you’re a granola-y little waif wearing flannel & skinny jeans attempting to cross the street, look in front of you, not behind you before crossing!  you may see a blinking red hand, signalling you NOT to cross the street just yet!  and a car turning the corner!  jesus christ.  and you know what?  don’t fucking flip me off.  had you been paying attention to something other than your nasty, nappy hippie hair hitting you in the ass, maybe you wouldn’t have almost died.  i already hate bicyclists, don’t make me hate pedestrians too. 

 

*watch fashion docs!  lagerfeld confidential just may change your life.  so may valentino: the last emperor.  i actually teared up in both films at one point or another!  maybe it was the booze, maybe it wasn’t, but they were really  touching! 

 

*admit that the family stone made your list of top 5 favorite holiday films.  diane keaton, rachel mcadams, luke wilson, claire danes, sjp?!  and the dad from poltergeist?!   a deaf gay?!  sign language?!   a sad but heart-warming ending?!  please.

 

*defriend the assholes on facebook who chastise you for having an opinion!  they’re obviously not your friends anyways!   since when is it news that i don’t want to be around children!?  just because you have them doesn’t make you smarter, holier than thou or special in ANY way!  stop making me feel like a heathen with no purpose for not bearing 8 children!  motherhood does not define a woman!   just because i don’t like them or want them doesn’t make me a bad person!  we could have still been friends, but you ruined it!  don’t judge me because i don’t want stretchmarks & because i don’t want to spend life in prison for killing the children i didn’t want in the first place!   somewhere someone is living with agonizing guilt for convincing their friend diane downs that she would not be socially acceptable unless she had children.  i’m saving us both a step.  really.

*there…i feel better now.  i mean, have kids if you really want to–that’s fine!  just teach them well, clean them & for god’s sake, make them use their “inside voices” in public spaces…there is no excuse for a child running willy-nilly screaming bloody murder in a fucking book store or whole foods.   oh, and can you teach them to not be little shits?  is that too much to ask?  some of my best friends are mothers of amazing, well-mannered children, so i know it’s possible!  go!  be a good parent! 

*rubbing alcohol makes an excellent cleaning solution!  just straight–no diluting.  pour it in a spray-bottle & it will make your counter-tops, cooktops, stainless steel what-have-yous & even mirrors gleam!  and sanitized!  you probably already smell like a lush anyway, so why not go with it? 

*getting years of black hair dye off your head is really hard fucking work!  it may take 5 or 6 seshes of the one ‘n only colorfix, but there is light at the end of the color spectrum.  be prepared to smell like a bubbling vat of sulfur for days, if not weeks  afterwards–even after shampooing & conditioning like mad.  AND be prepared for the most hideously orange hair of your life!  is it worth it?!  we don’t know yet….

*…speaking of which–after hours of painstaking color-lifting, for god’s sake, if you’re desperate for some deep conditioning after, don’t reach for your tube of color amplifying conditioning balm!  it will darken your locks considerably & you’ll probably be on the verge of tears for doing something so retarded! 

*the real housewives of orange county is kind of amazing. 

i’ll leave you with that.  happy xxx-mas, you dirty little birdies!