Daily Archives: Monday, October 26, 2009

dear audra…

posted by:  audra

i was fretting that you were thinking of doing something stupid; so, just in case…

  • shampoos that claim to extend the life of your color-treated hair don’t stop the growth of your hair.  or your ‘ultra-platinum’ roots.
  • worms are disgusting & will ruin your brick patio.  i don’t know of an organic method to kill them, other than slicing them in half…but when i do, i’ll let you know.
  • marley dies at the end of marley & me, regardless of what your friends may tell you.  they are lying, and you’ll sob till your eyes puff up into unrecognizable globs of flesh.
  • beth ditto is the new jesus.
  • if you’re a dirty hippie & work at new seasons, don’t tell the “goth” girl that she’s wearing too much makeup.  it’s bad form & makes you look like even more of an asshole than your retarded hemp necklace-thing.  who asked you anyway?!  the day a drag queen tells me i’m wearing too much makeup will be the only day i start to cut back.  fuck you!  i’m still pissed. 
  • stop wasting your time on friends who don’t treat you with the love & respect you give them!  i can’t stress this enough, & i’m disgusted with myself that i’ve put up with shitty friends yet again.  will they check on you when you’re sick?  no.  will they respond to your embarrassing drunk-texts?  no.  will they call you to apologize because they’re being retarded?  no.  be done with them!  i am. 
  • boy joy is awesome live, but NOT OKAY to listen to recreationally! 
  • tell your friends to fuck off if they tell you that the notebook is a bad movie.  okay, it IS kind of bad…but it’s so good at the same time.
  • echo has an amazing happy hour, decent menu, delicious pumpkin gnocchi…and the music there is like our ipod on shuffle.  heart, heart!
  • vacuum the dark & scary places in your house.  sometimes icky, poisonous spiders reside there & may shock you with their presence at 2:30am.  don’t become a victim!
  • setting your cocktail down on the side of the tub while bathing is gambling with fate!  make sure you keep a stern eye on that shit, and don’t let it slide into the bath & shatter into a zillion pieces.  do you really want bloody footprints on the floor in the morning after your shower?!  think about it! 
  • speaking of broken glass….  for god’s sake, if you have a tommy-tippy vase full of flowers or whatever–and you’re drunk–don’t go anywhere near it! 
  • it’s october & the purr-fect time to be listening to clinic.  any album–but walking with thee  is the bestest for the season.  don’t worry; it’s not a jesus record.  i hope. 
  • shannon wright dyed in the wool   is also delicious this time of year.  turn it up super-loud on a cold, rainy day.  you’re welcome!
  • the hot girl with bangs & black hair across the street…?  her name is betsy.  BETSY!!!  how cute is that?!   but don’t be fooled; she WILL  see you do embarrassing things…like swatting at an insect on your patio chair with a shoe at 2am without makeup & wearing a fleece.  watch yourself at ALL TIMES.  there’s always someone there seeing you being an idiot!  YOU!  you’re the idiot!  be careful!  just sayin…
  • …and kevin federline across the street?  he’s ALWAYS there, watching your back.  respect him.
  • never, EVER “settle down”.  it is LAME & not necessary!  do you think vivienne westwood & betsey johnson are going to “settle down”?!  no!  don’t be lame.  just because you’re of a “certain age” doesn’t mean you have to stop being cool!  if i turn into a mommy who wears juicy couture, drives a suburban & dines at the olive garden…please make me a paraquat cocktail, isabella blow style.

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