posted by: audra
i was fretting that you were thinking of doing something stupid; so, just in case…
- shampoos that claim to extend the life of your color-treated hair don’t stop the growth of your hair. or your ‘ultra-platinum’ roots.
- worms are disgusting & will ruin your brick patio. i don’t know of an organic method to kill them, other than slicing them in half…but when i do, i’ll let you know.
- marley dies at the end of marley & me, regardless of what your friends may tell you. they are lying, and you’ll sob till your eyes puff up into unrecognizable globs of flesh.
- beth ditto is the new jesus.
- if you’re a dirty hippie & work at new seasons, don’t tell the “goth” girl that she’s wearing too much makeup. it’s bad form & makes you look like even more of an asshole than your retarded hemp necklace-thing. who asked you anyway?! the day a drag queen tells me i’m wearing too much makeup will be the only day i start to cut back. fuck you! i’m still pissed.
- stop wasting your time on friends who don’t treat you with the love & respect you give them! i can’t stress this enough, & i’m disgusted with myself that i’ve put up with shitty friends yet again. will they check on you when you’re sick? no. will they respond to your embarrassing drunk-texts? no. will they call you to apologize because they’re being retarded? no. be done with them! i am.
- boy joy is awesome live, but NOT OKAY to listen to recreationally!
- tell your friends to fuck off if they tell you that the notebook is a bad movie. okay, it IS kind of bad…but it’s so good at the same time.
- echo has an amazing happy hour, decent menu, delicious pumpkin gnocchi…and the music there is like our ipod on shuffle. heart, heart!
- vacuum the dark & scary places in your house. sometimes icky, poisonous spiders reside there & may shock you with their presence at 2:30am. don’t become a victim!
- setting your cocktail down on the side of the tub while bathing is gambling with fate! make sure you keep a stern eye on that shit, and don’t let it slide into the bath & shatter into a zillion pieces. do you really want bloody footprints on the floor in the morning after your shower?! think about it!
- speaking of broken glass…. for god’s sake, if you have a tommy-tippy vase full of flowers or whatever–and you’re drunk–don’t go anywhere near it!
- it’s october & the purr-fect time to be listening to clinic. any album–but walking with thee is the bestest for the season. don’t worry; it’s not a jesus record. i hope.
- …shannon wright dyed in the wool is also delicious this time of year. turn it up super-loud on a cold, rainy day. you’re welcome!
- the hot girl with bangs & black hair across the street…? her name is betsy. BETSY!!! how cute is that?! but don’t be fooled; she WILL see you do embarrassing things…like swatting at an insect on your patio chair with a shoe at 2am without makeup & wearing a fleece. watch yourself at ALL TIMES. there’s always someone there seeing you being an idiot! YOU! you’re the idiot! be careful! just sayin…
- …and kevin federline across the street? he’s ALWAYS there, watching your back. respect him.
- never, EVER “settle down”. it is LAME & not necessary! do you think vivienne westwood & betsey johnson are going to “settle down”?! no! don’t be lame. just because you’re of a “certain age” doesn’t mean you have to stop being cool! if i turn into a mommy who wears juicy couture, drives a suburban & dines at the olive garden…please make me a paraquat cocktail, isabella blow style.