posted by: audra
sigh…oh my god, you guys! we’ve been so lame. i think about blogging every day & nothing comes. nothing! i knew that bitching about broken shoes & such would get old. and whilst i can’t think of anything remotely interesting & exciting that’s happened over the last week worth a blog post, i do have some news, but nothing terribly interesting & exciting. …but i do promise you that sam is working on a most epic return, & it may even be a two or three-parter! get excited!
actually, i take that back. whilst i don’t have anything pretty, witty or gay to report, there has been some somewhat-exciting things happening. here’s the first story:
i went to the gynecologist last-last tuesday. a trip i’ve been dreading for years. as much as i wanted to postpone it yet another five years, i think one more 14-day, bleeding-like-a-quintuplet-miscarriage-complete-with-excruciating-cramps-period would kill me.
so, i went doctor-shopping. this was in april. i picked one out: dr. stella. she was young, but not too young, probably indian…red dot indian, not feather indian…and i liked her name; it made me think of perfume, beer & the band stellastarr*. how bad can she be?!
when i went to make the appointment, dr. stella was not available…unless i wanted to wait six months…but i could certainly make an appointment with a mid-wife (dr. susan), if that was alright, but it would still be several weeks before i could get in. sigh. okay. fine.
i looked at this one’s profile & she seemed nice. husky, older, short hair…like she’d come home to her girlfriend named bo, fixing the roof while dr. susan was busy rooting around in vadges all day long. dr. susan. yes. she would be mine.
when i arrived at the vagina doctor’s place on tuesday, i wasn’t impressed. children everywhere, fat, unattractive pregnant women in sweatpants with hair like top ramen…god, it was terrible. there was one “gentleman” wearing carhartt pants and these huge, black work-boots, which were unlaced of course. his little boy ran, screaming towards me when i checked in at the front desk. this horrified me, and i glared at the child. the receptionist thought this was cute, & giggled. as if every child who lets out a bloodcurdling screech at complete strangers is adorable.
this event is followed by, “oh, i’m sorry…dr. susan called in sick today! we’ll have you with dr. oldpants, if that’s okay! we’re transferring all of dr. susan’s patients over to dr. oldpants today!”
i sighed heavily, to let her know this is not okay, but said, “alright. that’s fine.” then she turned to her side, mumbling, “oh, there was supposed to be a new patient questionaire to fill out. hmm. not sure where it went. oh well, just have a seat!”
sam & i had a “seat” on the gross chairs in the waiting area, probably teeming with child-bacteria. and waited. and waited. i was told to arrive 20 minutes early in order to fill out the little questionnaire thingy, & so now i’m just wasting my time. i could have slept an extra 20 minutes or even a half an hour. don’t they have extra forms someplace? one would think!
finally, after nearly 25 minutes of waiting, i hear something that resembles my name being called. a short, thin, asian woman with shoulder length hair scans the room behind one of the partitions. me, being short as well, is unseen behind said partition, even in heels. so she keeps looking for me, “audwa? audwa…?”
her name is trang.
totally really fucking annoyed at this point, i make it into the height/weight portion with trang. she seems nice. i notice that one of her eyes is lazy, and the lid is bulging, like a bee-sting. i thought for a second that she indeed might have been stung by a bee, but later determined that she’s like that all the time.
she takes my blood pressure & pulse. “oh, you berry nerbous to-day!”
of course i’m nervous. but i’m mildly excited to meet this new, exotic, substitute doctor. will she be pretty? will she have a red dot on her forehead like dr. stella?
as soon as trang is through with asking me how much i drink & smoke, and how often i bleed buckets of blood, everything will be okay & my new doctor will arrive. i’ll be in & out in minutes.
trang hands me a scratchy cape thing with a terrible pattern on it & says, “ebryting off! doctor will be in berry soon.” i thank her, and she exits. curiously, the first place i start sweating when i nervous is the inner thighs. it’s gross & it’s a curse. so now i’m really freaking out. pretty dr. mystery will completely recoil in disgust at my sweaty thighs & vadge, declaring she can’t possibly go any further unless i take a cold shower. as soon as i got the little smock-cape thing on, i mopped up any suspicious sweat emanating from my body with the flowing skirt part.
a little rap at the door & someone steps in behind the curtain. it was a really close call on the sweat-mopping situation. THAT would have been really embarrassing. i say a hello, and an odd looking old man in a white jacket appears. fuck. a man.
this is the moment i name him dr. oldpants. a skanky female, probably 22 or 23, followed him in to watch, in case he’s super-friendly with the patients.
while i may have an inappropriate pipe dream about a super-sexy gynecologist giving me a thorough breast exam before burying his head between my thighs, i don’t really want it to happen. i mean, come on! especially when this guy comes in & is a total troll. i may have to switch up my little chimera to be a dentist. i’m ruined on gynos now. but wouldn’t it be just as bad if he were super-hot? i’d rather have an unattractive gynecologist than an attractive one…wouldn’t you? god, what if lou pucci walked in with his white jacket & skinny jeans & stuck his speculum in my business & saw that i was wet?! how fucking embarrassing!
anyway, what the fuck do men know about vadges anyway? they could have all the schooling in the world, but still never really know what it’s like to have one. you know?
i’m absolutely horrified & pissed. clearly, had i wanted a male doctor, i would have requested one. this isn’t really something you can just change, whenever, without proper notification, don’t you think? right off the bat, i concluded that this guy is a real loser, with no sense of humor. for example, when he asked me if i bruise easily, i said, “hmm…i don’t know…kind of? i mean, not really…but i’m always kinda bruised up. i mean, i am clumsy!” and then i laughed nervously while he stared at me blankly, almost frowning, & scribbled something onto my chart. my comment wasn’t funny, nor was it meant to be any sort of punchline, but a normal person would have given a polite smirk, or at least a knowing smile. jesus!
skanky assistant leaves & trang is once again in the room with me & dr. oldpants, which was a little comforting.
i had juuust gotten cozied into the stirrups when i blurted out that i was sorry if he’s offended, but i was totally expecting a woman. of course, both trang & dr. oldpants freeze & stop what they’re doing, apologizing profusely. trang is really upset by this, i can tell. “oh my gosh, i so soddy! i thought they toldoo?!” i told her that indeed they had mentioned i would be seeing a different doctor…but wasn’t informed that this was a male doctor. “oh, yoo want to reschedge-ull?”
she felt terrible. i told them to just continue so i could get it over with. of course, this whole conversation taking place with spread knees in the air, my special lady bits on public display. she kept rubbing my shoulder, apologizing under her breath while dr. oldpants was discovering that i have a tipped cervix. after he told me, “you may have a little spotting after the exam…”, she tucked a pink pantyliner into my hand & winked. where does she expect me to put that?!, i thought. didn’t she notice the absence of knickers in my pile of clothes on the chair?
after the examination, i got dressed & met with dr. oldpants in a borrowed office. dr. stella’s office. of course. she wasn’t even there! probably off visiting her cool & pretty sisters in india.
he expressed heavy concern in regards to my obnoxious cunt-problems & asked that i come in for blood work in a week, and then a follow-up with him in a month. gross. i wonder if trang will be there? will she slip me another pink pantyliner?
the moral of the story, kids, is this: if you have a super-bloody cunt & things that look like abortions are falling out of your junk, get it checked out! especially if you’re soaking through a super-plus tampax AND your jeans in less than 20 minutes! even if the doctor is a total bore, that doesn’t mean he’s a bad doctor! he might even be good! do you really want a doctor who monkeys around with you all the time, like sending emails saying, “i’m sorry, but you’re terminally ill with cancer of the uterus. JK JK JK!!!! it’s just a yeast infection! LOL!!”
and there you have it. take care of your special lady bits.