halloween in july & public urination

posted by:  audra

inhale deeply, babycakes!  do you smell that?  yes, that!  it’s sweat!  probably inner-thigh sweat!  and gunpowder!  or whatever the fuck they put into firecrackers!  resonating off of the stupid fucks who still think it’s awesome to be igniting fireworks well after independence day has taken place.  jesus.  i was fucking dying in the heat last week & i hate the fourth of july & i can’t wait for summer to be over already. and i can’t wait for the crumb-snatchers to get back to school.   i mean, jesus christ!  and i really am looking forward to those fall days where the sun is juuust going down at like 6:00 & you need your sweater to carve pumpkin trannies on your patio before watching sorority house massacre (1 or 2…both are excellent) for the fifth time whilst drinking pumpkin beer on the couch.  you know what i mean?  sigh…

you may be surprised to learn that the fourth of july used to be my favorite holiday.  it was.  believe it!  i was young…a tender 17 at best, and lived for it.  you know why?  because it was right in the midst of summer when it starts getting really hot.  the hotter the better, i thought.  god, what a moron i was.  now, if it gets over 70 degrees, i spazz out & develop hives (really!).  but when i was younger, even 98 wasn’t hot enough.

i would lay out in the sun forever…sometimes all day, on the roof.  and sometimes i would purposely burn myself…which wasn’t hard to do anyway, what with my fair, easy-to-burn complexion.  i thought that if i got just a slight burn, that it would make my skin more likely to tan the next time around(?!).  and then i would hit the tanning bed in the evening, just to be sure.  so gross.  it ended up just giving me tons of freckles & prematurely aging skin.  tanning is bad shit, kids!

whoa…what was that all about?!  anyway, your most beloved blog has been neglected as of late.  i’m sorry.  how is it you’ve been able to carry on?!  to satiate you, i’ll give you a few highlights from the recent past…stuff that happened & valuable nuggets of knowledge that i learned:

  • i peed in a cemetery.  i did.  in broad daylight & not even behind a tree.
  • i got drunk in said cemetery.  with my parents.  on courvoisier.  during a memorial service.  in 100 degree heat.  it was awesome.
  • sam & i drunkenly devoured cold fried chicken in my mom & dad’s driveway at midnight on saturday after frenzied, secretive chain-smoking.
  • we discovered we are indeed capable of 3-day benders.
  • surprisingly, the bender & being at my parents house are unrelated.
  • …in one instance, sam & i drank continuously for 25 hours straight.  vodka, beer, tequila and wine.  not one person out of the four of us was sick or fell down.  i’m impressed.
  • i ruined the heel on one of my betsey johnson booties during said bender.
  • i peed outside on a gravel road in the middle of nowhere.  again.  and managed to splatter my shoes.  again.
  • i bought a leopard print handbag with a gold chain at a yard sale for $3. i will probably never use it.
  • i learned that my great-great grandfather was an immigrant from sweden.
  • …and that my great-grandfather only had a 3rd grade education, but was very successful as the head of immigration & naturalization for oregon, washington & idaho.
  • it’s official:  i am allergic to sun.  i sat in the sun two weekends in a row & both times broke out in terrible, itchy welts & hives.  it was gross.  they’re gone now, but the freckles will take years to fade.  damn it.
  • i am on my fourth augusten burroughs book in about a month.  i’m in love with his writing…and i may even say that i like him more than sedaris(!).  i know…blasphemy.  but he’s so fucking amazing & hilarious & tragic.  i can’t believe we’ve owned several of his books for years & are just now cracking open the covers.
  • foreign horror films are a gabillion times better than american horror films, as you learned from watching them, of course.  we just watched a german thriller called antibodies (antikörper) that was over two hours long…and didn’t turn it off.  a lot of blood, a little sex, some pedophilia & plenty of nail-biting scenes.  lovely…just lovely.
  • i have purchased a new journal.  it’s black & looks like a bible, only without words & a cross & a mostly-naked hipster on the cover.  i read through one of my old journals the other night & realized that i’m not bad at writing…at least when i want to be.  i had written some “poetry” that actually kind of blew my mind a little bit!  either way, this new journal will no doubt soon possess some wicked awesome tales to help fill in my memoirs later.  get excited.
  • i’m pretty sure i’ve gained back at least the two pounds i had lost.  i’m afraid to weigh myself.  i’ve consumed nothing but booze, burgers, hot dogs, fried chicken & pizza the past week.  oh, and pigs in a blanket courtesy of the florida room.  how very american of me.

and there you have it!  i think that’s all.  i don’t know about you all, but i plan on milking this 68-degrees-in-july business for as long as i can.  perhaps i’ll pick up some pumpkin beer tonight, pull on a sweater, pretend it’s october & dig out sorority house massacre , just for fun…

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2 Comments

Filed under Diary

2 responses to “halloween in july & public urination

  1. Overrated: sun

    Underrated: pigs-in-a-blanket

  2. art to choke on

    eric: SO right. thank you.

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