posted by: audra
i meant to post something earlier, but i was busy making out with david sedaris…that’s an entirely other post for another day. get excited.
behold, my pretties — these little dicks are back this season to ruin my life yet again:
you’d think what with the lack of greenery on our third story balcony, that this would not be an ideal dwelling place for little asshole tree frogs. but! they find their way back every year. i hate them. yes, they eat insects. but, they also eat the pretty ladybugs that i love, and sometimes even buy. one year, in an effort to exterminate some aphids on my roses organically, i purchased some ladybugs…only to find them being consumed at warp speed by these fucking wicked creatures of skank.
they jump on me. they mock me whilst i’m sitting on my patio. they scoff at my attempts to chase them off by tapping my gardening spade on the railing. they think it’s hilarious! they do! they stare me down & i have nightmares about them invading my living space. true story! believe it! my most feared death is that scene in magnolia where all the frogs are falling from the sky. sweet jesus, that shit is scary:
the other day — sunday i believe — i went out to do some much needed planting on the patio. i had several basil plants, grasses & such that needed some potting. so, i put on my hot pink gardening gloves & my sequined patio flats & went to town.
i picked up the crate the basil plants were in. resting underneath like a sneaky snake was a smug tree frog, just sitting there, waiting for me to piss my knickers upon uncovering it. it was dark green. i gasped & shouted at sam to come investigate. i was pissed because of course this was the vessel i was to use for my basil & i wasn’t about to touch this thing. sam & i tapped the spade at it. i flicked dirt on it. it laughed & jumped a few inches. i told it to get the fuck off my patio. i glared at it. it glared at me.
hours later, i found it hovering in the corner on the railing. then it moved. jumped. moved again. then finally jumped to its death off the balcony.
thank god that was over with, & i wasn’t (entirely) responsible for it.
but! just when i think it’s safe…? another one shows up tonight! its cuter, younger, smaller, hipper version of the one that was here before! unbelievable. every year! i fucking hate it & i hate frogs! they do not need to be on a third floor balcony when we have acres of green space & wetlands beneath us! it’s bullshit! selfish fucks.