tit for tat

posted by:  audra

so.  okay.  i have something to get off my chest.  something that  has plagued me ever since i bypassed my ‘training bra’ years.  one day, i’m flat-chested & willing my body to bless me with big,  squishy titties…the next day i’m crying my eyes out, begging my mom to okay breast reduction surgery.  it took me years to get comfortable with my body.  years!  and then you have all the other shit that goes along with bustiness; looking slutty, looking stupid…you know.

so, this last saturday night, we went out to see a friend’s band.  i was all up in arms about what to wear, & finally settled on a black cleavage dress i hadn’t yet worn.  i don’t do much cleavage these days, so i was a little nervous…i don’t want to look tarty, you know.  i’m pushing 30 & i’ve had my fill of push-up bras & smothering boys’ faces with my tits.  anyway! i put on a deep-plunge bra & left the house feeling pretty good.

not two minutes after we park, i’m walking across the street in 4-inch stiletto booties & totally eat it.  hard.  in the middle of the street.  sober!  totally sober!  i’d say it was a miracle from baby jesus that my tights weren’t ripped, i wasn’t gushing blood, & there was no spillage of nars eyeshadow out of my bag….but if it were a miracle, i wouldn’t have fallen in the first place, right?!  god, how horrifying.  i don’t think anyone saw though…despite the massive amounts of men teetering in their own 4-inch heels for the annual red dress party, literally just steps away – NOT falling down.

i collected myself on the sidewalk & did the ‘that did NOT just happen…becoolbecoolbecool…you are a graceful suductress, audra…people love you & you totally did not just fall down!‘ talk with myself.   it worked.  boys were stepping aside, smiling & holding doors for me…  i was like, what the fuck!  why don’t i take the tits out more often!?  this is luxurious!

while i did get expedited drink service & complimented on my figure by several people, the entire evening wasn’t all that swell.  i got glared at.  lots of times.  all by girls!  they hated me.  some little skank with tiny boobies was texting in front of the paper towel dispenser in the loo, & when i politely told her, ‘pardon me’ with hands dripping, she glared at me.   apparently she was too troubled to move her tiny skanky ass aside for me.   then, sam & i went outside to smoke.  we left our drinks on the table, covered with bar napkins & a newspaper all askew to make it clear that table was taken.   not five minutes had passed when through the window i see that skank #2 & her skeezed out boyfriend were confiscating our table!  the best table in the bar!  hands off, motherfuckers!  i got the table back, but not before they managed to spill my drink & soak our paper.  and they were totally rude about it!  i was nice!  i believe i heard a “well, sorrrr-EY!”  from the boyfriend, too.  what a dick!  the bitch left her cell phone on the table, so before they were out of sight, i slid it across the table so she could get it before moving to a less-cool table.  she walked off.  i didn’t run after her.  cunt.

the night goes on as such:  i see cute girl.  smile.  cute girl glares and/or looks away.  repeat.  seriously!  i swear to god, you guys! i have never gotten so much concentrated negative attention from girls before, ever!  i realize i can look mean at times, but i was being so nice!  i blame the tits.   i only saw one or two other girls with their junk out that night & they were kind of fat…and everyone knows that fat girls are nicer than skinny girls.  wait!  i did not say i’m skinny, but i’m not fat either.  jesus!

i really don’t know what i’m saying here anymore, but i may have to do an experiment now.  perhaps one night i will cover it up like normal & assess the general feedback from fellow females, then the next night i will do cleavage & see what happens…?  is it jealousy?  really?  do you know how hard it is to find tops & dresses that fit properly?  bras?  and did you know that i wear a minimizer every day just to fit into my clothes?  have you seen the permanent indentations in my shoulders from carrying around a 34ddd chest for nearly fifteen years?  and i hope you mean little skanks from saturday night are happy for glaring at me, because i now i have welts on a new part of my shoulders just from wearing that fucking bra.  yes.  i do hope you’re happy.

now i’m just wishing i would have brought my camera on saturday.  i could have been able to take photographs of these mean girls AND made some real quality submissions to this website…then i could just call it even!  sigh!  whatever!

…and don’t worry, skank #2 came back for her phone, like two hours later.  i wish i would’ve spilled my drink on her shit.

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3 Comments

Filed under potpourri

3 responses to “tit for tat

  1. Travis

    It is sooooo annoying when people take tables that are already spoken for. There should be a sign that says NO VACANCY!

  2. art to choke on

    yeah i know, right?! jesus christ! there’s a bar in portland that i read about…it has little signs you put on your table when you step outside or go to the loo…something like, ‘i’ll be right back so leave my fucking table alone!’. for real! of COURSE i can’t remember what bar it is. of course. i’ll have to investigate further & get back to you…

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